Cutting off MIL...am I in the wrong?

[insomniac1994]

I've decided to cut off contact with my MIL. I just need to know if I've made the right decision.

My fiance (her son) and I have been together for 2 years and a 9 month old baby. Throughout pregnancy and the first few weeks of having my baby my MIL was amazing and we really got on well. However the last few months she hasn't made any effort to see her granddaughter or even asked how she is. I post a lot updates about her on social media for family and she never interacts or let's me know how proud she is of her granddaughter. The last time she contacted me it was to criticise my daughters sleeping arrangement. I'd taken a photo of my baby sitting in her crib, and she criticised we had the cot next to plug sockets. I told her they'd be covered and I couldn't place the cot anywhere else due to the layout of the bedroom.

Now it's been the end of my maternity leave and the only childcare I can get is with nursery. However I can't get funded hours until Jan so my fiance and I have to pay for her nursery fees. My fiance and I were worried as we just can't afford the fees. He spoke to his Mum about it and she agreed to pay for her nursery and we'd pay her back.

I sent a message to my MIL and I said I'd talk to her closer to the time when invoices are due to arrange payments, paying her back etc. She agreed. I then messaged her closer to the time for the invoice and she said she's currently on holiday for the next few weeks so not to contact her. I again said it's about our daughters nursery fees. Again she reminded me not to message her because she has no signal and was very passive aggressive.

I then told my fiance about what had happened and he was very angry. His Mum has a habit of wanting to help but then taking it back.

We both knew our babies nursery fee would be due so my fiance suggested we asked for help from his Dad instead. I agreed there was no other option so I agreed. His Dad said he'd pay and we would pay him back in due course.

I then get a passive aggressive message from MIL a few days later asking why another family member is telling her my fiances Dad is paying for her nursery now and again told me off for contacting her while she's on holiday. I said I hadn't spoken to anyone else about it and I wasn't contacting her because she was on holiday and I was planning on talking to her when she got back.

I then got a nasty message back saying she will no longer help me with my daughter again and to not to play games she doesn't want to be involved in what we are planning. Even when my fiance (her own son!) tried to explain it again she accused him as well of playing games.

I've tried my best to bite my tongue to keep up a goodish relationship for the sake of my daughter but this is the final nail in the coffin. I was in tears yesterday and I told my fiance I had enough and I want to be no contact now I won't stop MIL from seeing my daughter but I won't be around when she is at our home.

I feel bad for doing this but it's just not been good for months. Am I in the wrong for this?

It seems that people can’t resolve differences and misunderstandings any more. Or at least learn to manage with flawed relationships.

All this cutting off that people mention seems so dramatic and final.

YANBU - she sound very unreliable.

If you have a big fall out over this you will be the one who looks unreasonable. Everyone will know you aren't talking to her because she didn't give you money.

Aside from that, it's a big thing to cut someone out. It will drive a wedge between your partner and his mother and between your child and her grandmother. I don't think your MIL has done anything to deserve such an extreme reaction.

Yes she disappointed you and let you don't and it's understandable you are annoyed about that, but I would try to let the dust settle. Don't escalate things as it sounds like things have been good between you all in the recent past and you may well need her in the future. It's also much less stressful to have a harmonious family life than one at odds with everyone.

Try and let it wash over your head and lower your expectations about what she can offer you. You know you can't rely on her for money now, just deal with it. The social media stuff is unimportant so try to ignore that.

You and your partner had only known each other for 6 months (together 2 years, 9 month old baby) when you became pregnant.
So presumably she also didn't know you very well. Perhaps as things have gone on she's just not very keen and has changed her mind about helping you- is there more complication to your relationship with her than is stated in the original post?

YABU.

You need to stop relying on people. She sounds really annoying. Promising stuff, asking for no contact on holiday etc. But you both being so awful with finances is what I would concentrate on.

She would most definitely be very low on my list of people I would put myself out for but I certainly wouldn’t go to the massive effort and impact no contact brings!

If you do this it’s going to make the situation even more unpleasant. I would leave communication with your mil to your partner.
The social media stuff is irrelevant.

Mate, I think you lost the audience when you said she doesn't like your social posts.

No you don't need to cut her off because she's saying she is doing that isn't she?
Or if not, no I don't think this is a good move, 'cutting people off' from family is really just a trendy current way of not dealing with family relationships that are often complicated & not straightforward. She's not abusive is she, just try to demonstrate a positive role model for your child & try to get on with her.

Why have you had a baby if you can’t afford the nursery fees. It’s very irresponsible of you. It’s not up to your MIL to pay your nursery fees.

To be fair I can see why you’re upset. You’re not expecting her to pay the fees- you’ve asked to borrow the money as she has it and you’ll pay her back. I’m guessing you’ve e got an invoice to pay and she agreed to pay it- and now you’ve messaged to ask and she’s refusing to engage so you’ve had to go elsewhere?

Yeah I would be cross, she’s left you exposed. If she hasn’t agreed you could have found another way to pay or found alternative childcare/ delay going back to work until the few hours kick in.

MIL offered to take care of her when I went back to work. That was a solid plan for months. Then she took it back after baby was born and I had to resort to a nursery instead.

I disagree with every single poster saying the OP is being unreasonable. You all act like you had everything planned down to a T when you all had your babies!! Jesus Christ, the MIL shouldn't have offered to help and then retracted it without even communicating . She went off on holiday and told OP not to contact her? Who does that?
As for the social media thing - again why are we all pretending it wouldn't bother us in the slightest? There was a very similar post on here a few days ago, but no mention of money and everyone was supportive to the OP. As soon as money is involved everyone changes their tune.

OP- ignore the judgemental twats who have apparently planned everything from the moment of conception to the child's graduation. We all know every single person on this post is winging it, made some error of judgement or a miscalculation. I can also bet 80% of people on MN do not like their MIL.

I literally can't with the comments on here, disgusting.

You're getting a really rough ride here, OP.

I actually agree with you- she shouldn't have been making promises to you that she then doesn't keep. It's really not on to offer childcare and then withdraw it and then offer to lend money for nursery fees but refuse to talk about it when the money is due.

I know people are saying 'your baby, your responsibility', and that is true. But plenty of people get help from the grandparents. And the key here is - she offered to help - twice - and then went back on it.

Have you asked anyone in your own family for financial help? I think you should consider other means of paying these bills and not rely on your partner's family. I get that you first thought she'd help and now she's backing out but please try not to take this to heart. You don't know what her financial position is. All the best.

But you can't have known that your MIL would offer childcare. So basically you and your partner conceived a child with zero plan for how you cope financially.

Let your partner take the lead in communicating with his Mum. Take a step back to avoid making a knee jerk decision.

Is the biggest issue that you didn't know her well enough to realise you can't take her offers at face value?

My partner has a family member that loves making offers because it makes them feel generous but never follows through so we just ignore their nonsense because it's not sincere. I would suggest taking a similar approach with your MIL. Your partner is probably well aware of what she's like.

Leave it to your fiance to sort this. The communication should have been between him and his mum in the first place.

Against the trend I think this has been really difficult and I would have taken similar action tbh. I'm not sure about cutting off contact but I would approach MIL with zero expectations, then everything positive is a plus. People often make rash promises they then break. Hang on in there, OP but probably in the future, you need a better plan than grandparent help. Are your parents able to help at all?

If you want people to agree with you unconditionally then you are in the wrong place.
You have no right to expect somone else to pay for your childcare and then chuck a tantrum when they don't cough up quickly enough.

You asked AIBU and are annoyed that people are saying yes? Why ask?

Of course YABU, and over dramatic.
I agree with the pp who said you are coming across as very immature.

It is yours and your fiancé's baby, and it is for you two to sort out how you are planning to afford life. It isn't anyone else's responsibility to cover for the fact you became pregnant very early on in your relationship.

The last time she contacted me it was to criticise my daughters sleeping arrangement. I'd taken a photo of my baby sitting in her crib, and she criticised we had the cot next to plug sockets.

Where you perceive 'criticism', many would read that as 'concern for her grandchild' in case you hadn't spotted it.

Cutting all contact is so dramatic, and is just going to leave your little one with one less loving Grandparent.

I think yabu over the bill. And if your knee jerk reaction is to go NC with MIL- I think that's up to you- but rather extreme.

It's probably best that MIL isn't looking after your child- given the current relationship

Just try and sort it out. This flouncing off because someone isn’t doing what you want and when you want is just so childish. You are going to be with your partner for a long time, hopefully, and your child is still her grandchild. Why would you damage future relationships for your partner and child over this. Walking away when there is a hurdle is really immature.

You should have got a credit card or taken out a loan if you couldn’t afford nursery. You got pregnant before she said she’d do childcare for you for free. You’re both adults, this stuff is your responsibility and yours alone. You seem to suggest it’s anyone else’s job to pay your bills, you don’t care who buy someone’s got to. No. Grow up.

As for “safe space”, don’t be daft. This a is popular international forum with millions of users. You post here for advice you accept the advice. Having produced a child doesn’t make you immune to criticism when you behave badly.

I’m afraid your response to the replies you’ve had is very childish. No wonder MIL wants to create some distance.