Cutting off MIL...am I in the wrong?

[insomniac1994]

I've decided to cut off contact with my MIL. I just need to know if I've made the right decision.

My fiance (her son) and I have been together for 2 years and a 9 month old baby. Throughout pregnancy and the first few weeks of having my baby my MIL was amazing and we really got on well. However the last few months she hasn't made any effort to see her granddaughter or even asked how she is. I post a lot updates about her on social media for family and she never interacts or let's me know how proud she is of her granddaughter. The last time she contacted me it was to criticise my daughters sleeping arrangement. I'd taken a photo of my baby sitting in her crib, and she criticised we had the cot next to plug sockets. I told her they'd be covered and I couldn't place the cot anywhere else due to the layout of the bedroom.

Now it's been the end of my maternity leave and the only childcare I can get is with nursery. However I can't get funded hours until Jan so my fiance and I have to pay for her nursery fees. My fiance and I were worried as we just can't afford the fees. He spoke to his Mum about it and she agreed to pay for her nursery and we'd pay her back.

I sent a message to my MIL and I said I'd talk to her closer to the time when invoices are due to arrange payments, paying her back etc. She agreed. I then messaged her closer to the time for the invoice and she said she's currently on holiday for the next few weeks so not to contact her. I again said it's about our daughters nursery fees. Again she reminded me not to message her because she has no signal and was very passive aggressive.

I then told my fiance about what had happened and he was very angry. His Mum has a habit of wanting to help but then taking it back.

We both knew our babies nursery fee would be due so my fiance suggested we asked for help from his Dad instead. I agreed there was no other option so I agreed. His Dad said he'd pay and we would pay him back in due course.

I then get a passive aggressive message from MIL a few days later asking why another family member is telling her my fiances Dad is paying for her nursery now and again told me off for contacting her while she's on holiday. I said I hadn't spoken to anyone else about it and I wasn't contacting her because she was on holiday and I was planning on talking to her when she got back.

I then got a nasty message back saying she will no longer help me with my daughter again and to not to play games she doesn't want to be involved in what we are planning. Even when my fiance (her own son!) tried to explain it again she accused him as well of playing games.

I've tried my best to bite my tongue to keep up a goodish relationship for the sake of my daughter but this is the final nail in the coffin. I was in tears yesterday and I told my fiance I had enough and I want to be no contact now I won't stop MIL from seeing my daughter but I won't be around when she is at our home.

I feel bad for doing this but it's just not been good for months. Am I in the wrong for this?

So u sorted childcare u can’t afford and that’s yr mil fault, even when u get funding they charge consumables on top, so won’t be as cheap as u think and only 38 weeks a year.

MIL offered to provide childcare. She then rescinded and offered to pay for nursery instead, then didn't make good on that either.

OP will have funding for childcare in January so just needs to bridge the gap.

Read her other thread, MIL couldn't provide childcare anymore due to her own workload. OP fell out with her afterwards. Withdrawing paying for nursery is more likely due to that.

Then why is she getting nasty because they're getting help from elsewhere?

YANBU.

She said she would do something twice and she has proved that she is unreliable and uncommunicative which are two main needs for looking after children.

Thankfully you have your FIL.

I wouldn't go no contact but I wouldn't rely on her for anything again.

Good luck with your beautiful baby.

Kids are expensive so ask for a pay rise and get some good childcare sorted so you can have a happy new family xxx

Firstly, I'm not judging you.

I'm working class/not a lot of money background too before you think I'm some wealthy person having a go or looking down on you.

OP. You need to shut your mouth. You really do.
I really hate saying that to another woman but I can see that cliff you're headed towards but can't see coming because you are so angry. Stop. Shut up for a minute. For your own sake Think, think really bloody hard, about YOUR future, your child's future and that of DH.

Do you want the chance of some support, occasionally and from a flake admittedly, or NONE at all...ever. No little gifts, odd kindnesses, a chance for peace, no job for DH and no inheritance because that is the steep as fuck cliff you're driving towards at 100 miles an hour.

By "tried to sort it out", with MIL, I'm guessing you and/or DH had another go at telling her some home truths that ended up going down like a cup of cold sick and made matters very very much worse.

You mentioned playing games and you're playing this one poorly. It's going to drop you right in the shit. She's got more practice than you, and holds a lot of the cards, by the sound of it. The only way to "win" with game players, if that's what she is, is not to play the game she expects, which I'm sorry to say you are doing, or not play the game at all.

You need to pull back and let things cool off. Think and then act, stop reacting.

Currently, you are digging that hole deeper and deeper. I understand your position. She promised and then let you down...twice. I get that. BUT...you are not without flaws here. From your other thread; she tried too hard to help you, including ending her travelling to move near your little family. She overstepped into interfering and you snapped. Probably, as far as she is concerned, you basically told her to shove it all up her hole. Now, there's a good chance she still wants to help but can't forget that. If she never gave a shit, why is your DH being employed and payed by her. Why did she give you bits of paid work to do at home when you were getting ready for the baby. You appear to want what you want, how you want it, when you want it and tend to get rather gobby if you don’t get 100 percent your way. If that is not the case, you've done yourself a disservice by making it sound like that's what you are like. You've rubbed people up the wrong way on here and don't seem to be able to see it. I think maybe you need to assess how you come across and be brutally honest with yourself before you can move forward and get what you want out of life.

You are going to get your DH sacked and disinherited if you don't reconsider things.

You can read this as nasty and abusive if you want but it's not, just honestly what I'm getting from your posts.

You should never make plans for someone to look after your baby 100%. And expect them to fork out for childcare for your baby.
I get that plans didnt pan out and it's a bit crap but... what if she got into an accident, would you expect her to come over in a wheelchair and look after tha baby? She gave you months and months of notice, you had time to sort something out (except it would not be free...)
If she didnt make any promises would not not have had a baby? Did you only have a baby because she said she would look after them?

I voted you are not being unreasonable. But;

Many people are not big on social media. Some of us are rarely on it. It's something adults tend to grow out of when real life hits. Also, there is nothing more annoying than someone posting all the time about their baby. It's a 9 month old baby. That's all. They're not that interesting. They don't actually do anything at that age. We all have come across parents who post non-stop pictures about their babies that look identical to every other baby on the planet. To the extent some of us 'hide' or mute the poster because all you get is a non-stop wall of baby pictures. It's so bloody annoying! People get fatigue when someone posts continually about a baby and expect 'likes'. It's exhausting! As we get older, most of us grow out of that social media saturated baby post crap. So you sound like a silly teenager with that sort of stuff begging for 'likes'.

HOWEVER, you are not being unreasonable at all re the babysitting. It sounds to me like she is gaslighting you and accusing you of what she herself is doing; playing games with you. You needed the money quickly. What else were you going to do? It's more than obvious, OP, that you cannot rely on your MIL for anything at all. I too also would avoid her (as you said, not be there while she is there, it's not really going 'NC' as you just won't be there that's all, just letting her see her son and GC on their own) for the foreseeable future. She is flaky, nasty and a gaslighter.

She’d rather threaten to sack her son than actually go through with something she had promised him and her grandchild?

She is doolally!

He’d probably have a decent enough case for unfair dismissal so she could end up paying for it be nursery costs after all! 😁

How is she using her child as a weapon, @Lanzarotelady ? She hasn't said she'd refuse MIL to see her daughter. She just said she wouldn't be present when MIL is there.

That's all.

@Avanet
Great post. Lots of sensible advice.
I quoted some research the other day that showed posters on anonymous forums worked hard to paint themselves as the Goody and other people as villains. Posters put their own slant on a situation. It is clear that the OP has been less than honest if you compare the info given by her in the two threads. The reality is that situations are not black and white. There will certainly be fault on both sides and if the OP continues to be hell bent on destroying her relationship with her MIL, she stands to lose a lot in terms of financial assistance and good will.
OP, walk away for now. Take some time for quiet reflection and make friendly overtures when things have calmed down. Enjoy your baby and your family and don't look for a fight. Chances are things will sort themselves out.

I agree 100% .

A lot of these comments have really proved things for me and in the end she said she doesn't want to bother with her grand daughter. MIL proved herself to be the nasty narcissitic person she is! Thank you for a very lovely thread

She isn’t your mother in law (yet) and you barely know her. There is nothing you have said here that makes her nasty or narcissistic. Those are nasty unkind things to call someone. Perhaps address her behaviour without resorting to name calling especially as she is the grandmother of your child(ren). This is your interpretation because you didn’t get what you wanted. She probably does want to be involved with her granddaughter but you aren’t blameless here and I don’t think you realise this. Every conflict you are involved in means you have half of the responsibility of the issue. Take your piece of the pie and walk away gracefully.

She’s not your MIL, I’d love to hear her side , and you sound like a pot stirrer.

Very well said.

OP I can't believe this thread. People haven't even read your opening post properly.

It was quite clear to me your MIL was ill-intentioned from her actions, manipulative and borderline trying to activately sabotage you.
It's confirmed to be the truth. I hope your DH finds another job so you can put healthy distance between you. She sounds awful.

Your MIL is also a Mum and most people on this thread have supported her side of this story.

@Lemonadeand yes, strangely, a lot of people are supporting a woman who abandoned her son as a child, reneged on childcare arrangements twice and then threatened to sack her adult son... bizarre.

@narns
The OP has started another thread today with a different version of the story. I think that is why posters are not sure of the authenticity of this version.

@Crowbat hmm yes I saw that before it was taken down. It didn't look like a different version of the story to me though, what was different about it?

I can't check back because it has gone and I don't want to get it wrong but I think there have been three threads. In one the MIL had been kind to start with and given them financial help. In another the OP hasn't had any financial help. In the one today she denied being the author of the three threads when she clearly was responsible. I think the lying about being the author has made many posters question the accuracy of the story. Hence the sceptical reaction from most people.
I think it is kinder to let the thread die a death. The OP probably wanted to vent and over embellished. Hopefully, things will calm down and she will find resolution.

I certainly knew I could afford the childcare required. Not everyone wings it or is irresponsible.

Sounds like early onset dementia to me. Id cut ties and be glad. Next thing she'll be claiming 'grandparents rights' (yawn) knocking on your door demanding to see your child. Good. Bye.

Is there ever a thread on Mumsnet about a parent where someone doesn't suggest that dementia is the cause of all the problems? 😆😆😆