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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a mad plan?

189 replies

SellAllMyStuff · 06/10/2024 10:13

I want to leave DH. He's v difficult, temperamental, he shows me no love. I don't fancy him. He's become a Trump supporter. I could go on but pls just don't feel sorry for him.

We live in a small village. We moved during the pandemic and it felt like a panicked move. I had one toddler and was pregnant with twins and we basically bought the biggest house we could afford and didn't think about the area

The kids are now starting school. I can't make any friends round here. All our neighbours are retired. Nothing happens here.

There is small town 25 mins away which has one the best schools for miles and I've made a really strong group of friends there (by going to clubs and kids things there). They all have kids similar ages. The town has loads going on. Its much more expensive and we would downsize.

H has agreed we should move now while the kifs are young but he's also told me it's "my rodeo" and I want to happen "it's on you". This is his attitude to everything

I would much prefer to split from H, sell our house and split the equity and then move to this town to a tiny house near the good school and start to rebuild my life. H can stay round here as only 20 mins or move there or move anywhere he wants of course!

However H could make this all v difficult. He can be v v petty. I once said I didn't like a coffee he bought me and now he refuses to buy me a coffee if we are out. He holds a grudge!! He could block me moving the kids school - even though he agrees now. He could delay everything for years by refusing to sell for example- and the kids will get more and more used to their school and I will be stuck here for years!

Am I being mad/machiavellian/unfair to put house up for sale now, move, get all the kids into the schools, and settle. And then leave him. Basically create the life I know is best for them and me and then leave him as soon as ive moved us all? Do I sound like I'm losing my mind to try and control things so much? I'm so unhappy should I just leave H or is that foolish?

I'm spiralling here trying to work out how to fix my life. Any advice pls.

OP posts:
speedmop · 06/10/2024 10:18

It is completely unrealistic

speedmop · 06/10/2024 10:19

you’re presuming he will just say

“ok then, i’ll pack my bags and move out”

come on op. Wise up

moofolk · 06/10/2024 10:22

Classic mumsnet answer but never been so apt.

Get your ducks in a row and LTB.

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 06/10/2024 10:22

No, of course he won't @speedmop but at least the kids will be in the good school. He wont have the power to keep me and the kids stuck here.

OP posts:
speedmop · 06/10/2024 10:23

SellAllMyStuff · 06/10/2024 10:22

No, of course he won't @speedmop but at least the kids will be in the good school. He wont have the power to keep me and the kids stuck here.

of course he doesn’t have the power to stop you moving to a town 25 mins away

Rigatone · 06/10/2024 10:23

Your situation sounds really tough and I can totally understand your thought process. I actually know someone who is doing similar but that's lots more drastic and it involves getting the whole family back to her home country before initiating the divorce.

In think in your situation the main thing is you absolutely need to divorce your DH.

I think the easier and more straightforward way in the long run would be to get all your ducks in a row financially, solicitor etc (lots of advice on MN about that) so you are clear and prepped and can navigate the divorce in a way that sets you and the kids up for the move to the chosen town without STBXH.

DoNOTShakeItOff · 06/10/2024 10:24

@speedmop As the DC's father he can stop his children moving school!

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 06/10/2024 10:24

But he can block me moving their school no? @speedmop

OP posts:
speedmop · 06/10/2024 10:25

DoNOTShakeItOff · 06/10/2024 10:24

@speedmop As the DC's father he can stop his children moving school!

Presuming the children will be with OP most of the time as then yes she can

speedmop · 06/10/2024 10:25

SellAllMyStuff · 06/10/2024 10:24

But he can block me moving their school no? @speedmop

you’ll be the RP?

DoNOTShakeItOff · 06/10/2024 10:28

OP, nobody here knows your DH, much less what he's capable of. If you suspect, even slightly, that he may stop the kids moving then yes! I absolutely would go with your plan.
Just be warned that people on here will look for any criticism they can find and will likely call you selfish etc just to have a dig. It's not selfish, it's putting your kids' happiness first as well as your own (when kids get older it sounds like they'd be bored stiff in that area from how you describe it).

Dollshousedolly · 06/10/2024 10:28

I’d move with your DH, settle in, find a job if you’re not working at the moment and then review the situation.

LlynTegid · 06/10/2024 10:30

Unless you live in the US, I cannot see the relevance of his support for Trump here.

DoNOTShakeItOff · 06/10/2024 10:30

@speedmop I think you're misunderstanding the laws. Yes a court would award OP custody but that's in a court! Before getting to the stage of court proceedings, the father can still legally prevent his children from moving school. Just like he could prevent them leaving the country or having a medical procedure. That's the law, nothing to do with custody.

Claudiashairismegashiny · 06/10/2024 10:30

Yes op, I’d do this. I’m in a similar situation, but abroad, so it’s even harder. I have to have this plan, I cannot just leave as out of spite, he can make me stay here until my dc turns 18 and it’s hard to find work, I have no family support etc. The law would be on his side. The only way I can do it is to all move back and settle and make sure I’m out of here, then see what happens.

Rigatone · 06/10/2024 10:32

LlynTegid · 06/10/2024 10:30

Unless you live in the US, I cannot see the relevance of his support for Trump here.

Oh god I can.

jeaux90 · 06/10/2024 10:32

Do you work OP? I'd be tempted to suggest you rent something in the town whilst you work out the right area to live and then pull the trigger on the divorce.

That way the capital is sitting there. Otherwise it's a lot of stamp duty to waste.

DoNOTShakeItOff · 06/10/2024 10:33

@speedmop If parents split whilst agreeing shared custody - ie without the need for court involvement as they've agreed a custody arrangement, but the mother wants to move the kids' school, the father can step in and say "Nope. Not happening" and so it wouldn't happen.

Same vice versa

Anotherparkingthread · 06/10/2024 10:33

I think it's quite manipulative and snakey to do all that while pretending things are okay. If the roles were reversed and a man has tricked a woman into setting him up in the new life he wanted then broke things off with her once he was settled the comments would be very different.

That said if he's a total POS and he deserves it I'd definitely consider it. I could probably only do it to somebody I genuinely really hated though.

OrangeSlices998 · 06/10/2024 10:34

Can you move them to that school while you’re still in the village and he’s on board? I’m sorry you’re in this situation OP. Any family nearby?

WonderingWanda · 06/10/2024 10:35

Have they actually started at your local school? I would suggest get your house on the market. Push for a sale and move to a short term rental in the town under the guise of getting the kids settled in their new school as quickly as possible and finding the dream home (after all he's said its your Rodeo) then once they are in and you are moved break the news that you aren't happy and wish to separate. It'll be easier to split the house proceeds that way I would imagine and he can't be stubborn and refuse to sell up at this point.

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 06/10/2024 10:35

We both work full time. I earn more than DH but not crazy amount or anything. I do 90% of kid stuff but there is no obvious "resident parent" as we work similar 9 - 5 hours. I do vast majority of pick ups and drops etc and do ALL admin but i have read a lot of advice threads on here and suspect if H pushed for 5050 he would get it.

He doesn't like it when I see my friends v much and always make shitty comments. He thinks the town is "stuck up" and I'm being "fancy". I really could see him blocking the move if he could.

OP posts:
DingDongDenny · 06/10/2024 10:36

Can you suggest you sell and then rent in the new area, while looking for a new house. You could argue it would make the process easier. That way it would be a lot easier to split once you move

Rigatone · 06/10/2024 10:39

WonderingWanda · 06/10/2024 10:35

Have they actually started at your local school? I would suggest get your house on the market. Push for a sale and move to a short term rental in the town under the guise of getting the kids settled in their new school as quickly as possible and finding the dream home (after all he's said its your Rodeo) then once they are in and you are moved break the news that you aren't happy and wish to separate. It'll be easier to split the house proceeds that way I would imagine and he can't be stubborn and refuse to sell up at this point.

This seems like a good plan. (Contrary to my advice up thread)

ChemtrailsandCountryClub · 06/10/2024 10:48

I think maybe you’re overthinking this. He’s already agreed to move as he thinks this is the best option for schools and activities for your kids, from what you say?

So it’s best that is where the kids have a home base. Anything further to that with splitting is up to you both when the time comes.