Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a mad plan?

189 replies

SellAllMyStuff · 06/10/2024 10:13

I want to leave DH. He's v difficult, temperamental, he shows me no love. I don't fancy him. He's become a Trump supporter. I could go on but pls just don't feel sorry for him.

We live in a small village. We moved during the pandemic and it felt like a panicked move. I had one toddler and was pregnant with twins and we basically bought the biggest house we could afford and didn't think about the area

The kids are now starting school. I can't make any friends round here. All our neighbours are retired. Nothing happens here.

There is small town 25 mins away which has one the best schools for miles and I've made a really strong group of friends there (by going to clubs and kids things there). They all have kids similar ages. The town has loads going on. Its much more expensive and we would downsize.

H has agreed we should move now while the kifs are young but he's also told me it's "my rodeo" and I want to happen "it's on you". This is his attitude to everything

I would much prefer to split from H, sell our house and split the equity and then move to this town to a tiny house near the good school and start to rebuild my life. H can stay round here as only 20 mins or move there or move anywhere he wants of course!

However H could make this all v difficult. He can be v v petty. I once said I didn't like a coffee he bought me and now he refuses to buy me a coffee if we are out. He holds a grudge!! He could block me moving the kids school - even though he agrees now. He could delay everything for years by refusing to sell for example- and the kids will get more and more used to their school and I will be stuck here for years!

Am I being mad/machiavellian/unfair to put house up for sale now, move, get all the kids into the schools, and settle. And then leave him. Basically create the life I know is best for them and me and then leave him as soon as ive moved us all? Do I sound like I'm losing my mind to try and control things so much? I'm so unhappy should I just leave H or is that foolish?

I'm spiralling here trying to work out how to fix my life. Any advice pls.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 06/10/2024 14:29

The rental idea is genius because you can sell it to him easily and it will deprive him of the opportunity to refuse to leave the family home, and stay there on his own whilst refusing to pay the mortgage and sabotaging the sale. If you're smart you can get the rental just in your name which may increase your chances of staying there temporarily with the children while you divorce him.

speedmop · 06/10/2024 16:38

how old are the children?

Caterina99 · 06/10/2024 17:06

If I thought that DP would block a house sale out of spite essentially, then I probably wouldn’t feel too much guilt in securing the house move and then telling him about the divorce.

Renting is a good option in that the money from the sale will be in the bank and can split between you easily. Renting has some downsides too, the main one presumably being the availability and affordability of a suitable rental property?

Perhaps as someone has suggested above you do tell him how you feel, but phrase it more as you want to get over it and the new town is the way forward for you both? It’s still strictly lying if you’re certain the relationship is over, but at least you appear to not have manipulated the situation so much. Of course he might double down at that point on the house move I suppose.

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 07/10/2024 18:26

Yes, I think you're right. I actually think there is something in moving genuinely being something that is the last final attempt to save us. He's done some awful stuff but his MH isn't great at times and I think he's v isolated. I've made an effort to make friends but maybe if we go to a new town - he'll make friends and stop taking stuff out on me.

I mean I highly doubt it as there seems so little love there but I can say to him that we need to move to get out of this rut.

But wow isn't renting so expensive! For a house similar to ours we would be paying thousands! So he might think it's a bit crazy

I'm definitely going to move first. Being stuck here in a messy divorce unable to move while working every hour - I think it will break me!!

OP posts:
Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 08/10/2024 19:00

God. He's such a miserable arsehole. Maybe I'll get legal advice. Maybe I can get them transfered to the school without moving first. Moving house with him is going to be painful and expensive.

OP posts:
ChemtrailsandCountryClub · 09/10/2024 11:21

I think it sounds like you’re nearing a breaking point? Maybe looking into getting the kids transferred first is a great option.

Sounds like a really stressful environment so I think you should do all you can to ensure you and the kids are protected by being able to set up life in a way that will work best for you.

Eddielizzard · 09/10/2024 11:32

You absolutely must be strategic. He's abusive and you need to manage this process carefully. Yes, to getting legal advice. Absolutely sell the house and give him as little indication of your intentions as possible. Good luck Flowers

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 09/10/2024 21:35

I've got a meeting with the admissions person at the school next week. He started saying last night he doesnt want the kids to move school. Honestly I know him and he's just saying it to upset me. He just hates to see me happy or doing things. This school is perfect for DS and he knows it but for some reason the more I make happen - the unhappier he is.

He's been promising to fix the mould in the bathroom for 2 years. This week I took 2 days off work and I've sorted it. He walks in and sees the bathroom and kicks off. It's not that he doesn't do anything, he wants to stop me doing things. Whether big like schools, or small like a bathroom.

My plan is to get them places at the school if I can at all. Then put the house up for sale. And then leave him

I know I sound mad trying to control the timeline but if I leave - he will do everything to control us. If I get the kids into the new school then he can't do anything - well he'd have to go to court to get it reversed.

I wish I could just leave him. I wish on eyelashes that he would just pack his bags and fuck off.

OP posts:
bluebirdholiday · 09/10/2024 23:11

Primary school are usually much of a muchness.

I think the primary school is something you're fixating on as though it will solve all your problems.

If he's as coercively controlling as you've described him there then you're faffing with deckchairs on the titanic with this obsession about there being one perfect school.

Sorry you're going through this, op.

Pussygaloregalapagos · 09/10/2024 23:15

Rigatone · 06/10/2024 10:39

This seems like a good plan. (Contrary to my advice up thread)

Show quote history

Would you be in a position to get a mortgage though? I would say move. Buy new house: encourage him to get work elsewhere…

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 10/10/2024 10:47

@bluebirdholiday you're right i probably am fixated on the school. but it's only because the school is the only thing he can control really - and if he refuses to give permission for me to move the DC to a new school - then I am stuck here.

everything is happening at the same time. i want to divorce my husband. lots of ppl at work being made redundant so applying for new jobs. I want my kids to move school. I need to move house. My DH tells me i'm having a midlife crisis and just want to change everything. But actually i'm just unhappy. and he is the cause of that unhappiness

living with someone who is so rude and uninterested in you is one of the most depressing experiences of my life. last night i had a work event i had been organisign for months - he does not look up from his phone when i walk in the door. he laughed at 'your shitty work going down the drain' when i told him my colleagues were losing their jobs.

OP posts:
FFSWherearemyglasses · 10/10/2024 11:44

This man sounds absolutely vile. What a toxic environment for you and your child to be living in …. Do whatever it takes- you really need to get him out of your life 💐

5128gap · 10/10/2024 11:57

The best option logistically is to say nothing and sell up and move together into rented on some pretext. Then leave from there and buy a house for you and DC with your share of the proceeds from your house. If you buy another house jointly you're still going to have issues of joint ownership, joint rights to occupy etc and he could refuse to leave. Obviously that is extremely underhand, but you are asking for advice on what's best for you, not him, so that's what this is.

BigDahliaFan · 10/10/2024 11:58

My DH's ex effectively did this, moved them all to be nearer his family as her family live abroad, so she'd get support for looking after the kids and divorced him within a year of moving.

MilesOfCarpetTiles · 10/10/2024 12:04

God, what an arsehole. Can you pretend you don't want to move and it would make you miserable but feel you have to do it for the kids? That might make him more excited to do it.....

AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 10/10/2024 12:12

Do whatever is best for your kids & you.

Dont think of it being sneaky or anything. You will put your kids first, he will put pissing you off first!!

I would start looking at places to buy that you can afford on your own & buy if one comes up. 'Together' if necessary to keep up the charade. Renting is expensive, I'd only rent if I absolutely had to to get the school places.

i wouldn't mention your plan to anyone in real life. If YOU don't tell anyone, they can't give the game away.

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 10/10/2024 12:33

Sorry to drip feed but didn't want to out myself but oldest DS is currently being assessed for an EHCP so that changes things - and I can't allow my H in stand in the way of getting DS the best support he needs. Good chance he may need to go to a specialist setting in the future - and i keep thinkign i need to stay with H to protect DS and getting him the best support we can find.

Maybe if i can't persuade H to sell and rent, I could persuade him to go for a much cheaper home which I could then buy him out of so it would mean less disrpution to DC and less costs of moving.

OP posts:
5128gap · 10/10/2024 12:44

AutumnTimeForCosy24 · 10/10/2024 12:12

Do whatever is best for your kids & you.

Dont think of it being sneaky or anything. You will put your kids first, he will put pissing you off first!!

I would start looking at places to buy that you can afford on your own & buy if one comes up. 'Together' if necessary to keep up the charade. Renting is expensive, I'd only rent if I absolutely had to to get the school places.

i wouldn't mention your plan to anyone in real life. If YOU don't tell anyone, they can't give the game away.

It won't work out logistically. OP needs to be free of joint ownership/mortgage with him. There isn't a point in the process of selling one house to buy another where the OP can spring her ta da! moment that is too late for him to put a stop to the sale. They would typically sell and buy on the same day and as soon as he realised OP wasnt going to sign for their new joint house could call it all off. Renting is expensive, but the only way i can see of her freeing herself from her joint property ownership with him without him realising, is to put a rental between sale and next purchase.

WhisperGold · 10/10/2024 12:57

Can someone inform me how he could stop OP?
Say she lives in Bourton and says, I'm leaving and taking the kids to live in Cheltenham. When she gets there she registers kids for Cheltenham Ladies College.
What rights does OH have to block this?

okydokethen · 10/10/2024 13:40

Sounds entirely sensible to me. Mumsnet always chants get your ducks in row but then doesn't like it it seems when you do it.

School and friends are important, make the life you want and then when you're safe to, leave him and his hateful trump views.

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 10/10/2024 13:49

WhisperGold · 10/10/2024 12:57

Can someone inform me how he could stop OP?
Say she lives in Bourton and says, I'm leaving and taking the kids to live in Cheltenham. When she gets there she registers kids for Cheltenham Ladies College.
What rights does OH have to block this?

I do think I need legal advice. When I was building up to leaving last year I spoke to a solicitor for an hour and it cost me a bomb (paying for every email etc) and i didn't get anything i couldn't hvae found online - so learning from that and trying to get advice from MN and reading other threads - but maybe that is casuing me to be more paranoid about what ex husbands can actually do post split!

But i don't think in your example he couldn't stop you moving to Cheltenham as it's only 25 mins away or - but if he needs to agree to the school move - so he needs to give permission/sign the forms to agree to school change - so if he stops the school move, he is essentially stopping the move to Cheltnenham altogether as the kids would still be stuck in Bourton schoul so move becomes logitically not feasible.

this is particularly big sticking point for me as my DS has specific needs and becuase his current school isn't the best option for him.

OP posts:
okydokethen · 10/10/2024 13:57

Also just to add my DD goes to a school 30 mins drive away. I do it because I really think it's better for her. So applying for your preferred school isn't out of the question without moving - albeit I know it's harder to get a place.

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 10/10/2024 14:07

Yeah - I'd do the drive, but the admission person told me there is basically no chance if we are out of catchment.

I would really really like to leave now. To just say we are done and start the v painful process of splitting. I would much prefer to do it that way. He ignores me routinely. I told him I has a job interview for a bit of a dream job and he didn't say well done just said "you'll still be able to do all the school stuff won't you".

I'm trying to grey rock and just let his nasty words roll over me.

OP posts:
Domino20 · 10/10/2024 14:16

Could you say that a rental right near the school was necessary at first to ensure that the kids fell into the catchment area? Then once they are enrolled can look to purchase slightly further away? The kids are young enough to cram into one bedroom in the short term, then leave him with that 2 bed property if he wants it?

Teeshs · 10/10/2024 14:18

OP, you are in a highly controlling abusive relationship.
Do you realise that?
You need to speak to Women's aid.
You are afraid of him.
He will go against supporting your childrens best interests to spite you.

You do not want him working part time claiming he is prime carer.

You need advice about domestic abuse and how you can get away from him.

Get advice first and then do WHATEVER it takes to get away from him.

Swipe left for the next trending thread