Is this a mad plan?

[SellAllMyStuff]

I want to leave DH. He's v difficult, temperamental, he shows me no love. I don't fancy him. He's become a Trump supporter. I could go on but pls just don't feel sorry for him.

We live in a small village. We moved during the pandemic and it felt like a panicked move. I had one toddler and was pregnant with twins and we basically bought the biggest house we could afford and didn't think about the area

The kids are now starting school. I can't make any friends round here. All our neighbours are retired. Nothing happens here.

There is small town 25 mins away which has one the best schools for miles and I've made a really strong group of friends there (by going to clubs and kids things there). They all have kids similar ages. The town has loads going on. Its much more expensive and we would downsize.

H has agreed we should move now while the kifs are young but he's also told me it's "my rodeo" and I want to happen "it's on you". This is his attitude to everything

I would much prefer to split from H, sell our house and split the equity and then move to this town to a tiny house near the good school and start to rebuild my life. H can stay round here as only 20 mins or move there or move anywhere he wants of course!

However H could make this all v difficult. He can be v v petty. I once said I didn't like a coffee he bought me and now he refuses to buy me a coffee if we are out. He holds a grudge!! He could block me moving the kids school - even though he agrees now. He could delay everything for years by refusing to sell for example- and the kids will get more and more used to their school and I will be stuck here for years!

Am I being mad/machiavellian/unfair to put house up for sale now, move, get all the kids into the schools, and settle. And then leave him. Basically create the life I know is best for them and me and then leave him as soon as ive moved us all? Do I sound like I'm losing my mind to try and control things so much? I'm so unhappy should I just leave H or is that foolish?

I'm spiralling here trying to work out how to fix my life. Any advice pls.

We have been getting on OK these last few days and ive even been thinking - maybe we will move and it will all work out. I'm so stupid!! And then this morning he has shouted at me for not getting the 3 year old ready and hilariously has "told me off" because I ate one of the "expensive breakfast bars". Yesterday I had a job interview, 3 x meetings and had to take kids to after school clubs and I didn't have time for lunch and my H is shouting at me for daring to eat a breakfast bar in the daytime. He honestly looks like he hates me in those moments. And I have to think to myself for a moment "is he really shouting like that at me in front of our kids because I ate something out of my own cupboard. Is that really happening?". I don't know if I can stick it out. I'm so scared for what he's going to be like. If he speaks to me like shit in front of DS over food, what on earth will he do or say in the process of the split?

I think you know your situation and dp better than anyone and if you feel he would block you out of spite then you're right to try to get your ducks in a row before splitting.

Renting sounds like a good idea, he doesn't need to know this was your intention. By the time you reach that point I think there will be little point in your being open about it.

OP ignore this, I commented without reading all of your posts, apologies.

@Crankyracoon why ignore it? seems like good advice!

i just don't know how to persuade him to rent. i also don't know how i can tolerate this for so long. but i musn't snap and just say 'i want to split' because i'm not in a good enough position yet.

Sorry OP, I was intending to come back.

I do still believe it's your best option but reading the rest of your posts your situation seems so much worse than I originally thought and my comment felt a bit casual in the circumstances.

You and your children are in an incredibly toxic situation with a man who is verbally and financially abusing you. He sounds likely to respond to the loss of his financial stability and control over you far worse than the loss of his family. It's a much smaller step from verbal abuse to physical abuse than most like to think and I would hate to think you were endangering yourself and your children in sticking around to play the long game. That said, I think you're aware and switched on enough to recognise this.

I think while you're ultimately playing the long game you also need to have a short-term strategy in place should it become necessary.

As previously suggested, speak to Women's Aid, know your options and get your situation on record. Again, raise it with your GP, your employer if appropriate, get it on record. Speak to discreet friends.

Try to have somewhere/friends you can stay with, at least temporarily, lined up should it be needed quickly.

Get as much evidence as you can but be careful not to be caught recording him.

Ensure you have financial statements/evidence in place.

Seek as much legal advice as possible.

Do your homework on the new school and have a case in place for how this school meets your child's needs in context of any EHCP that's granted, push the EHCP through as quickly as you can.

Try to have funds held separately to your husband wherever possible if you don't already.

Be safe. xx

I agree with PP. The new info about finances and debt is worrying.

If he has (or feels like he has) nothing to lose, it could all get very messy. Financially.

For eg he could refuse to cooperate entirely. For eg refuse to pay anything. Run up even bigger debts. Empty the joint account.

So I would suggest you speak to a solicitor about your position and see what they suggest.

And women's aid. You cant be the first to be trapped in this manner.

I agree about debts certainly. He has some credit card debt but i'm not sure how much. he isn't out spending all the time - he is giving bare minimum to me because he is paying off his debt but i expect also saivng some. i don't know. but he doesn't have any drinking or gambling habits.

we don't have a joint account and i have my own income.

i think the finances are worrying but i feel reasonably secure in the sense i have my own income that covers costs and that goes straight into my bank account.

my main worry is he will refuse to cooporate and refuse to pay anything at all for a very long time and i will be stuck paying for our kids, our home, our bills post split. i meam i'm basically doing that now but at least he gives a few hundred quid and pays for food.

It sounds like you could probably make that work financially if you could get him to move out, but not if you leave now and take the kids to a rental and end up paying both rent and mortgage.

Is that right?

Yes - exactly @Aria999 i can't afford rental plus mortgage plus nursery costs. I could afford one house by myself (mortgage OR rent) and nursery, bills, car etc - (just about!) but i think paying for 2 x houses won't be possible - and with no end in sight it woudl bankrupt me!

Do you think you will actually be able get him to sell up and move into a rental with you all? It sounded like an uphill struggle from what you said 😟

He sounds so horrible to you. The thing about the breakfast bar. Ffs. I would definitely want out urgently in your position.

But if you kick him out now, you are stuck in that house until he cooperates with selling it (and you somehow need to physically make him leave though there may be help you can get with that).

Another option for the 'new' house is to look for one that would be ideal for you and the kids, and affordable for you, and could be made suitable for a 'family' home with an extension - and show how the extension would give you the extra space you need - and then buy him out of the house when you split. Not necessarily as easy as renting - but at least you'd be where you wanted to....

That's an interesting idea!

I urge you to invest in competent legal advice. Any experienced family solicitor will have dealt with similar situations and will help you find a solution.

You could post in Legal Matters as a first step.

What about a mortgage holiday?
Is that an option to help you flee domestic abuse?

Yes - I think perhaps time to fork out for some legal advice. Right at the top of this thread some people were doubtful that he could prevent us moving or moving school but I'm pretty sure he cpild make it v difficult
But maybe better to split and then just fight. I have evidence that the other school is far more suitable for our kids - I'm not doing it on a whim. Maybe I could get legal advice and split now and just spend a ton on legal support to fight him rather than a ton on stamp duty/rent for a house that isn't going to be our home.

I am surprised by how bad people think it sounds

I have a found a tiny but perfect home for us right near the school. 3 bed. Overgrown but big garden. and I could afford it on my salary by myself! We would be happy there. Walk to the school and a big park and near some of the kids friends. It can't be impossible to get us there somehow!

What worries me is that his debts are much bigger than you imagine. (Or he does have a gambling habit. I mean what are his debts from?)

And that as a result, you don't have the equity you thought you had.

Or you're unable to get a mortgage in future. Because you've defaulted on the current one.

I have no idea how to minimise the risk of this. Presumably someone at women's aid or a solicitor could advise.

I agree with moving school now and fighting the battle later.

And yes he sounds fucking vile. No wonder you want to escape.

The coffee thing alone is the most pathetic, petty, loser behaviour. He sounds like a tiny, insecure man.

Have you gone to look at this house you found?

YANBU. Get your ducks in a row, I don't see anything morally wrong, just doubting whether you can last long enough. Get legal advice first, it will be money well spent.

Personally, I got my ducks in a row before leaving my emotionally abusive exH. Finances, solicitor, everything. I even put a deposit on another apartment as I knew that once I announced I would leave he would kick off.

And the day I decided would be leaving day, I caused an argument. How did I cause a massive argument? I didn't make the bed perfectly neat. He came home and saw the bed wasn't made "properly" and yelled abuse at me for 3 hours. It validated my decision and also made him feel bad when I walked out. I was so happy. The second I left the house, I felt free. Also sad and overwhelmed and exhausted but free.

If the state school is named in an EHCP, they must admit regardless of if they have a waiting list or not. If the school is named it is not complex.

Get as much proof as possible that the school is better for your children.
Even go so far as to tell your husband THAT is the reason you are leaving, for the children's education.
Get legal advice and from Women's aid.
Keep stressing the school is best for your child and you don't want his spite to stop it.

@EndlessLight I am asked to name the school no? I thought schools could refuse an EHCP is they are absolutely maxed out?

@GabriellaMontez I agree about the debt. He earns reasonably well so i don't know where his money is going. The main issue though isn't that he pays so little but that he won't talk to me about it. If i bring it up - he will start shouting within second honestly.

So, he refuses to discuss money or contribute. He shouts if you try.

This is definitely something to discuss with women's aid/lawyer. Could this amount to financial abuse?

If the LA agree to issue an EHCP, when you get the draft you get the chance to state your preferred placement.

Unless this is wholly independent, the LA must name your preferred placement unless the LA can prove:
-The setting is unsuitable for the age, ability, aptitude or special educational needs (“SEN”) of the child or young person; or
-The attendance of the child or young person would be incompatible with the provision of efficient education for others; or
-The attendance of the child or young person would be incompatible with the efficient use of resources.

This is set out in law. Being full is not defined in law, and on its own being ‘full’ is not enough of a reason to refuse to name your preference. The LA has to prove the school is so full admitting DS is incompatible. Obviously there is a point where LAs can do this, but the bar for the LA to be able to prove the above is higher than many LAs and schools admit (which is partly why so many appeals are upheld). Case law shows it is more than an “adverse effect”, “impact on” or “prejudicial to”. Unless the school is wholly independent, the LA can, and must, name the school regardless of the school’s objections unless the LA can prove one of the reasons above. You only need an offer of a place for a wholly independent school.

If the school is named in I, they must admit. The school could, in theory, look at JR if they disagreed with being named. However, in the vast, vast majority of cases, schools don’t because they know they don’t have a case legally (because objecting to being named isn’t enough on its own) and costs could in theory be ordered. Or some types can ask for the SoS determination but again, this is not common at all and the school must still admit whilst the SoS makes their decision. And the determination can still be appealed to SENDIST.