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Original poster

Is this a mad plan?

189 replies

SellAllMyStuff · 06/10/2024 10:13

I want to leave DH. He's v difficult, temperamental, he shows me no love. I don't fancy him. He's become a Trump supporter. I could go on but pls just don't feel sorry for him.

We live in a small village. We moved during the pandemic and it felt like a panicked move. I had one toddler and was pregnant with twins and we basically bought the biggest house we could afford and didn't think about the area

The kids are now starting school. I can't make any friends round here. All our neighbours are retired. Nothing happens here.

There is small town 25 mins away which has one the best schools for miles and I've made a really strong group of friends there (by going to clubs and kids things there). They all have kids similar ages. The town has loads going on. Its much more expensive and we would downsize.

H has agreed we should move now while the kifs are young but he's also told me it's "my rodeo" and I want to happen "it's on you". This is his attitude to everything

I would much prefer to split from H, sell our house and split the equity and then move to this town to a tiny house near the good school and start to rebuild my life. H can stay round here as only 20 mins or move there or move anywhere he wants of course!

However H could make this all v difficult. He can be v v petty. I once said I didn't like a coffee he bought me and now he refuses to buy me a coffee if we are out. He holds a grudge!! He could block me moving the kids school - even though he agrees now. He could delay everything for years by refusing to sell for example- and the kids will get more and more used to their school and I will be stuck here for years!

Am I being mad/machiavellian/unfair to put house up for sale now, move, get all the kids into the schools, and settle. And then leave him. Basically create the life I know is best for them and me and then leave him as soon as ive moved us all? Do I sound like I'm losing my mind to try and control things so much? I'm so unhappy should I just leave H or is that foolish?

I'm spiralling here trying to work out how to fix my life. Any advice pls.

OP posts:
Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 10/10/2024 22:46

I wouldn't qualify for UC

Rental is 100% the best move. But it's so expensive I can't see him being persuaded by it unless we had a great offer for our house and couldn't agree on the next house perhaps.....which I guess I could orchestrate...

I feel like a sneaky piece of shit! But if you knew him you'd get it!

OP posts:
PennyCrayon1 · 10/10/2024 22:47

Do what you need to do, OP.

Teeshs · 10/10/2024 22:49

Please don't waste a single second feeling guilty about trying to offload that nasty prick.

CharlotteLucas3 · 10/10/2024 22:57

Teaortea · 06/10/2024 11:53

It's not sneaky, it's strategic!

People who are calling you sneaky and manipulative have never been in a relationship with a spiteful, abusive, toxic person. There's no reasoning with them, no fairness or logic.

Do what you have to do and try to make sure he doesn't find out.

When you're settled and ready to leave him, the next petty ridiculous argument he instigates do NOT try and smooth it over as usual but instead use it as the "last straw".

Good luck op.

This. A lot of people don't realise how important strategy is because they've not been in a relationship with a narcissist.

Never be tempted to tell him what you've done and I'd leave it a few months before you leave him.

Met44 · 10/10/2024 23:14

SellAllMyStuff · 10/10/2024 21:21

@Met44 I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. That's awful. Are you his carer?

When I start having a wobble and thinking maybe I should stay, I think about one of us becoming unwell and what that would look like

I keep saying ill do it next year, next month though and I still haven't found the strength. It was actually my 2024 resolution and here we are

I really hope you find your happiness x

Yes I am his carer and the emotional abuse has got worse.
I don't think I will find happiness now, I'm 54 with no job or friends.
im not saying all this to make you feel sorry for me. But please, please darling get out now.
It won't get better xx

Proudestmumofone1 · 10/10/2024 23:28

OP, you mention your DS is undergoing an EHC assessment - do you realise this means he would be priority for a place in the new school regardless of catchment?

However, you haven’t mentioned that they have confirmed there is space in his year….

Yes with an EHCP in a maintained state there are some legal routes to make them go against their max number of students, but this can be tricky and I wouldn’t rely on this route.

I would be putting resources and energy into securing the EHCP (even with legal support) and then moving DC, then splitting.

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 11/10/2024 08:26

@Proudestmumofone1

The ECHP process is complicated eh. The local authority has agreed to assess (DS has a diagonsis, OT referrral, and then an EP did report saying he would benefit from 121 support in order to stay in mainstream).

We are now in that stage of council gathering more evidence but they are insising on their EP report (despite us already having one from July). So it may take a v long time to get their own EP report done.

Obviously I'm doing all of this alone. In fact - DH tells me i like 'outsourcing parenting' by going through this process and I just 'like emailing people'.

Anyway - your question - yes, so if DS was given an EHCP - we would name XX school of course, but I don't fully understand the options then. I know we would be priority but they have a waiting list for DS year group so perhaps that means it's a no whether we have an EHCP or not.

The biggest fight was getting LA to agree to assess - I had to do a lot of evidence gathering myself and writing to them - but now it feel like a waiting game as they are gathering evidence during the assessment period.

OP posts:
Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 11/10/2024 08:50

Not sure why I gave you such an essay on the EHCP process!

I didn't mention my son's challenges as I think ppl can eye roll at SEN and i didn't want to discusss that really. But yes, it is certainly a huge element of me being so determined to move his school as we aren't at the best school for his specific needs.

i just did the school drop and watched so many dads being so cheeerful and affectionate - and i did feel v sad all of a sudden. and v guilty about oldest DS - as he does have specific neeeds and challenges and really like predictability so this is all a total mess fo him.

OP posts:
Proudestmumofone1 · 11/10/2024 09:03

SellAllMyStuff · 11/10/2024 08:50

Not sure why I gave you such an essay on the EHCP process!

I didn't mention my son's challenges as I think ppl can eye roll at SEN and i didn't want to discusss that really. But yes, it is certainly a huge element of me being so determined to move his school as we aren't at the best school for his specific needs.

i just did the school drop and watched so many dads being so cheeerful and affectionate - and i did feel v sad all of a sudden. and v guilty about oldest DS - as he does have specific neeeds and challenges and really like predictability so this is all a total mess fo him.

Feel free to msg me if you need help with ehcp side of things - I’m a tribunal EP :)

DS would jump to top of waiting list. Plus there can be an argument for them going over numbers , but as I said it can be complex.

thepariscrimefiles · 11/10/2024 09:17

LlynTegid · 06/10/2024 10:30

Unless you live in the US, I cannot see the relevance of his support for Trump here.

Even if they don't live in the US, it clearly shows what sort of person he is. If he supports that grotesque, delusional, spiteful adjudicated rapist and convicted felon, I can absolutely see why OP would want to leave him.

thepariscrimefiles · 11/10/2024 09:20

SellAllMyStuff · 06/10/2024 10:49

Oh yes. The renting plan seems v smart. Yes - that's a great idea. Possibly even more sneaky than I was being and would mean he couldn't block sale by refusing to engage for months.

I know @Anotherparkingthread it seems sneaky. I mean - it is sneaky. I hate thinking like this. But I know we would have a better quality of life and education if we moved and H agrees! He just doesn't want to do anything to make it happen. But I have this real fear of being trapped. I can only imagine what it must feel like for people posting who are in the same situation but in different countries! You have to plan ahead to not become trapped....I know this town is only 25 mins away but it's the school thing. He can control it all by simply refusing to give me permission to move their school. I know it might seem crazy that H would block something good for DC to punish me but if I'm judging him on previous behaviour - he could absolutely do something like that.

If he would deliberately block something good for your DC to punish you, I would definitely go ahead with your plan to move and get the DC in the good school before you leave him. You are only being 'sneaky' to protect your children's best interests.

TheCultureHusks · 11/10/2024 09:24

Your plan is exactly what I would do.

You know him! You know how best to get the outcome you want.

Is it ‘fair’? No. Is he ‘fair’ with the way he treats you? No.

🤷‍♀️

thepariscrimefiles · 11/10/2024 09:39

SellAllMyStuff · 10/10/2024 22:43

It all came up tonight. He started on me "I thought you were going to get a better paid job. How We gonna pay for this house move?" Then he said "you saw friends last Friday night when you could have been applying for jobs"

This is a man who was asked by his boss to go on a training course in order to get prepped for a promotion and he didn't do it because it meant slightly longer hours for a couple of weeks.

He honestly thinks my responsibility in life is to do everything for him. He was saying "you do a spreadsheet of how it will all work and I'll agree or disagree ok?". His patronisung tone with me "I know you have some fancy vision for the kids or whatever but you need to work out how we afford living in XX and make it happen. You need to be across the details because you're not good with details so you need to show me how it all works - like the commute, the school drop, etc, cost of bills - so get all that sorted and I won't say no"

I recorded him. I do when I remember and I make notes of all the shitty things he's done. It's hidden on my work laptop.

He is currently lying in bed looking at v v cheap houses in the new town shouting "oooh lovely. This one barely has a bathroom. Great idea moving isn't it love" and laughing to himself

He's a fucking bully. Spiteful, patronising, lazy weight around my neck

I have to escape in a way that doesn't trap us. I'm trying so hard to work out how that can happen

Thank you for advice. So nice to hear ppl understand my logic!

No wonder he is a Trump supporter - they sound like kindred spirits, utterly repulsive and mediocre but feel that they are superior to people who are so much better than them.

His spite and willingness to put himself before his children's needs are his not so secret super powers. He will do anything to hurt and harm you because deep down he knows that you are better than him in every way and his ego can't deal with that.

I agree with other posters that you should contact Women's Aid. I don't think he is a safe person for you and your children to be around.

Grannyinnwaiting · 11/10/2024 10:42

jeaux90 is correct - sell and rent - get the kids into school then split to avoid 2 lots of legal fees and stamp duty. Good luck - it is a bit snakey but so is being a Trump supporter

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 11/10/2024 12:22

If you buy something smaller you can afford to buy him out of, you still will have to get him out of that house and agree with you buying him out. That could take a long time if he’s as stubborn as you think.

renting has an end date. You have a six month contract, you give notice that you and the dcs are leaving. He can stay in the same rental but you can be clear to the landlord you are moving out and they will have to do a new contract just with your ex.

anything that involves you waiting on him is a bad idea.

GabriellaMontez · 11/10/2024 12:41

Omg I'm sorry. He is vile.

I think I'd odd whatever got me out fastest. Even if that meant losing money or having the courts decide school.

You say he only pays £300. Why? Is this it? Are you sure he's not saving himself ? Have you told him he needs to pay more?

Whatwouldnanado · 11/10/2024 12:57

Do what you need to do. This vile slob isn’t doing anything to help your son. What does he say when you question is financial contribution to the household?

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 11/10/2024 13:06

Financially - he pays for the food shop and he says he has credit card debt so he is paying that off and that he will pay me more when he can. He v much sees it as paying what he can as opposed to the fact that the mortgage and childcare are joint costs. He used to be part time but he is now full time but the money still hasn't gone up. I have talked to him about it a few times this year but always descended into shouting and nasty insults from him to me. In fact the stuff he said in those moments are some of the last straws for me in accepting I need to make a plan to get out.

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 11/10/2024 13:29

It's concerning that he may have debts you don't know about. And that these could even be growing.

When you split you could find yourself having to share these as well as the assets.

I think this would be the thing I'd speak to a lawyer about. You don't want any nasty surprises in future.

Whatwouldnanado · 11/10/2024 13:36

Do you know what the debt relates to, possibly gambling or drugs? All the more reason to get out ASAP. Definitely take legal advice and secure a rental in the catchment area.

Bluevelvetsofa · 11/10/2024 13:45

Are you in a position to leave him in the house and rent on your own. The buying and selling process is torture, as I know from experience. Selling might take much longer than you think or hope. Do you have enough for a deposit and monthly payments on your own?

Aria999 · 11/10/2024 14:40

Bluevelvetsofa · 11/10/2024 13:45

Are you in a position to leave him in the house and rent on your own. The buying and selling process is torture, as I know from experience. Selling might take much longer than you think or hope. Do you have enough for a deposit and monthly payments on your own?

The problem with this is it would then be very hard to get him out of the house or get him to cooperate with selling it. OP can't default on the mortgage so she could be stuck paying for the house indefinitely while he just lives there.

Bluevelvetsofa · 11/10/2024 15:44

Well yes, that’s true, but it seems like stalemate at present and he could dig his heels in for the long term.

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 11/10/2024 16:37

if he is going to dig his heels in - i would rather he did so once i was moved and settled - either rental or much cheaper home. i think he will dig his heels in. or behave unpredictably. if was going to guess - he will be absolutely horrible for a few months and then beg me to change my mind & say he is having a breakdown, and then possibly go off the rails for a while - and then finally leave and find someone else and become more reasonable. i don't know. i can't control him but i just want to make sure me and the kids are in the best place possible to ride it out. i really worry about the kids safety too. i feel like i don't know him sometimes and he can be a v hands on, funny, affectionate dad - but when we have had fights or he's in a bad place - i've been really surprised at how little he cares about what they see or hear. i really worry about them if he's in one of his moods - which he 100% will be becuase he'll be so hard done by.

i accept we will live somewhere much smaller, we will lose money, i just hope my kids understand at some point in the future. i'm making everything much worse for everyone on the surface with this plan.

OP posts:
PaminaMozart · 11/10/2024 16:59

stop focusing on him and his emotions - go see a lawyer and hatch out a plan that meets your needs and is legally feasible.