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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is this a mad plan?

189 replies

SellAllMyStuff · 06/10/2024 10:13

I want to leave DH. He's v difficult, temperamental, he shows me no love. I don't fancy him. He's become a Trump supporter. I could go on but pls just don't feel sorry for him.

We live in a small village. We moved during the pandemic and it felt like a panicked move. I had one toddler and was pregnant with twins and we basically bought the biggest house we could afford and didn't think about the area

The kids are now starting school. I can't make any friends round here. All our neighbours are retired. Nothing happens here.

There is small town 25 mins away which has one the best schools for miles and I've made a really strong group of friends there (by going to clubs and kids things there). They all have kids similar ages. The town has loads going on. Its much more expensive and we would downsize.

H has agreed we should move now while the kifs are young but he's also told me it's "my rodeo" and I want to happen "it's on you". This is his attitude to everything

I would much prefer to split from H, sell our house and split the equity and then move to this town to a tiny house near the good school and start to rebuild my life. H can stay round here as only 20 mins or move there or move anywhere he wants of course!

However H could make this all v difficult. He can be v v petty. I once said I didn't like a coffee he bought me and now he refuses to buy me a coffee if we are out. He holds a grudge!! He could block me moving the kids school - even though he agrees now. He could delay everything for years by refusing to sell for example- and the kids will get more and more used to their school and I will be stuck here for years!

Am I being mad/machiavellian/unfair to put house up for sale now, move, get all the kids into the schools, and settle. And then leave him. Basically create the life I know is best for them and me and then leave him as soon as ive moved us all? Do I sound like I'm losing my mind to try and control things so much? I'm so unhappy should I just leave H or is that foolish?

I'm spiralling here trying to work out how to fix my life. Any advice pls.

OP posts:
Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 06/10/2024 10:49

Oh yes. The renting plan seems v smart. Yes - that's a great idea. Possibly even more sneaky than I was being and would mean he couldn't block sale by refusing to engage for months.

I know @Anotherparkingthread it seems sneaky. I mean - it is sneaky. I hate thinking like this. But I know we would have a better quality of life and education if we moved and H agrees! He just doesn't want to do anything to make it happen. But I have this real fear of being trapped. I can only imagine what it must feel like for people posting who are in the same situation but in different countries! You have to plan ahead to not become trapped....I know this town is only 25 mins away but it's the school thing. He can control it all by simply refusing to give me permission to move their school. I know it might seem crazy that H would block something good for DC to punish me but if I'm judging him on previous behaviour - he could absolutely do something like that.

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 06/10/2024 10:54

Obviously you need to leave the relationship.
But would you be OK with him doing the same to you? Stringing you along, making a house purchase etc knowing he was going to leave you?

If it were me I would be honest. Tell him you're splitting, put house up for sale and go.
Why drag this out over two house sales? So rather then telling him now, you want to stay with him through a house sale, a house purchase, another sale (or one buying the other out) and then having to buy separately again?

If he is the type to make your life hell, he will do that at any step. I would get out as soon as possible.

MissJoGrant · 06/10/2024 10:55

Does he know you're so unhappy in the marriage?

MrsAga · 06/10/2024 10:55

Does the chosen school have spaces for out of catchment children? If so, enrol them & make the commute work in the short term.
once they are in school and settled, you can split/rent/sell as necessary.

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 06/10/2024 11:02

@Notimeforaname no I would not be happy about any of it. But I also will not and would not block things that had been previously agreed as good for the DC.

I have suggested counselling, I agreed to work more hours so he could go on part time to "focus on his mental health", I do everything he deems "stressful" (mortgage, bills, car stuff, kids parties, school admin, christmas). I've spent years and years trying

OP posts:
Notimeforaname · 06/10/2024 11:12

As you said op, he can do things to make life difficult for you.
I would split and start the process now rather than going through more purchases , sales and setting up a "new life " together.

Imagine how pissed off he will be when he realises this was the plan. He'll really want to get back at you then and could also do a million things to stop your plans.

janeavrilavril · 06/10/2024 11:14

It just seems like a really awful thing to do to someone. The fact that you ask people 'not to feel sorry for him' means you know you don't really have any justification to be this spiteful no matter what your disagreements are. This kind of underhand stuff always backfires. There are better ways you can do this, you know there are. Don't drip feed to try and add validation.

Notimeforaname · 06/10/2024 11:17

This kind of underhand stuff always backfires. There are better ways you can do this, you know there are

Agree with this.
If you're honest you can walk away with a clear conscience.

I may be wrong but I've never actually heard of a child 'stuck' in one school for their whole education because one parent refused to move them.

It's not right to lull someone into something as huge as a house purchase knowing you'll be leaving them.

Nogaxeh · 06/10/2024 11:22

I wouldn't move house and then split. Chances are the new house will have to be sold to split the equity, and then you've had to fork out for the transaction costs twice.

If there's a way to move the children's school without buying a different house together, then I'd do that, as that's the key thing you're anxious about.

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 06/10/2024 11:36

@Notimeforaname not for their whole education, but he can refuse for a very long time. they are just at start of primary so we have another 7 years to go. i could take him to court if he refuses but no guarantee they would agree to move. it's his wish against mine.

i'll struggle to get them into the primary unless we move.

i absolutely understand what people are saying that this isn't the way to go about it. i wouldn't have posted if it felt like a simple/acceptable thing to do - to move house knowing you plan to leave your husband

and every time i think 'stop being ridiculous - just leave him and be up front' - i then think of what the next part of that looks like -me saying i want to move to XX town and move to XX school (something he agrees is best for DC) and he says NO and we are all stuck.

OP posts:
Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 06/10/2024 11:38

i think renting is a great idea though. then we can sell the house - the equity will be in cash and can be split 5050 easily. he will be absolutely bloody furious though when he realises thats why i suggested renting. it is proper underhand.

OP posts:
Teaortea · 06/10/2024 11:53

It's not sneaky, it's strategic!

People who are calling you sneaky and manipulative have never been in a relationship with a spiteful, abusive, toxic person. There's no reasoning with them, no fairness or logic.

Do what you have to do and try to make sure he doesn't find out.

When you're settled and ready to leave him, the next petty ridiculous argument he instigates do NOT try and smooth it over as usual but instead use it as the "last straw".

Good luck op.

MrsAga · 06/10/2024 11:56

he will be absolutely bloody furious though when he realises thats why i suggested renting. it is proper underhand.

i think buying a property under the same circumstances is more underhand.

Renting would be much easier to walk away from
unless he is attached to & could afford to buy you out of the house you are currently in, then he should have the opportunity to stay there. If not, having it already sold makes life easier.

Greentreesandbushes · 06/10/2024 12:24

Do it!! Sounds great. Get some supporters on side, friends, family etc

FloatyBoaty · 06/10/2024 12:30

there is another way forward with this that’s a bit more ethical - depends on how much of an arse your DH is though.

you tell him, straight up, how unhappy both your marriage and your life in your village are making you. But you say also
that it’s hard to know how much is one issue, and how much the other.

You tell him that the choices are- sell up, move to the new location together and try and make your marriage work, or divorce now.

He’ll likely choose the first - easier than getting divorced.

You sell and do the renting shenanigans as upthread. Best case scenario- he wakes up, your marriage revives and you’re all terribly happy in your new lives. Worse case- you divorce, but he has less ammunition during the process as you’ve been transparent.

MuggleMe · 06/10/2024 12:40

Are you sure the children would get into the better school? How big is the catchment? It costs a lot to buy and sell, that's a lot of money you'd waste.

FancyBiscuitsLevel · 06/10/2024 12:40

You do need to prioritise what’s best for your DCs. If you are certain moving to the other town and other school would be best for them long term and also that your H would prioritise pissing you off not what’s best for your dcs, then you need to be as sneaky as you need to make that happen.

I like the rental plan (don’t suggest now renting, wait until you have an offer on the house and say you can’t find anything and then talk about not wanting to make the same mistake as this house, rent for 6months) get it on the market and get on the school list.

kittybiscuits · 06/10/2024 12:47

speedmop · 06/10/2024 10:23

of course he doesn’t have the power to stop you moving to a town 25 mins away

Show quote history

You are really under-informed!

kittybiscuits · 06/10/2024 12:50

Teaortea · 06/10/2024 11:53

It's not sneaky, it's strategic!

People who are calling you sneaky and manipulative have never been in a relationship with a spiteful, abusive, toxic person. There's no reasoning with them, no fairness or logic.

Do what you have to do and try to make sure he doesn't find out.

When you're settled and ready to leave him, the next petty ridiculous argument he instigates do NOT try and smooth it over as usual but instead use it as the "last straw".

Good luck op.

All of this!!!

twomanyfrogsinabox · 06/10/2024 12:56

It would be pretty devious, but I see your predicament. Women are often told to get their ducks in a row before leaving, and you would be doing just that although in a rather extreme way. You know your DH best and if you think this is what you have to do to get you and your DCs where you need to be go for it.

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 06/10/2024 12:57

we moved to a retirement like village in a pandemic panic. silly thing to do. house is great - area just isn't set for kids. the primary schools are much better in the nearby town & the state secondary is v v good. hence why houses are so expensive. but it's very set up for kids - lots of mums groups, schools and clubs. i know the town is better for me and the kids. i just need to get us there.

the best way i can describe H is like he's a back seat driver - total passenger in his life - doesn't have any ideas or drive at all - but just sits at the back telling me i'm doing everything wrong. it's my fault we are here. it will be my fault when he doesn't make friends in the new town. but he does have the power to put the brakes on things if he is 'wronged'

(I'll stop the driving metaphor now)

i have really tried. i only mentioned the trump thing as wanted to give you a sense of the bloke without boring people with the details!

OP posts:
NC10125 · 06/10/2024 13:02

He’s least likely to be furious about the selling, renting, divorcing plan if the place you temporarily rent would be suitable for him to live in long term if he wanted to. So you’re not forcing an unexpected move on him. Just a thought…..

Original poster
SellAllMyStuff · 06/10/2024 14:00

@Teaortea and others thank you. I know he will try to make my life as hard as poss. but if the kids are at a good school and i have a good network of other women in walking distance from my house - i know it will be ok.

OP posts:
Pippa246 · 06/10/2024 14:14

Teaortea · 06/10/2024 11:53

It's not sneaky, it's strategic!

People who are calling you sneaky and manipulative have never been in a relationship with a spiteful, abusive, toxic person. There's no reasoning with them, no fairness or logic.

Do what you have to do and try to make sure he doesn't find out.

When you're settled and ready to leave him, the next petty ridiculous argument he instigates do NOT try and smooth it over as usual but instead use it as the "last straw".

Good luck op.

This. There are hundreds of threads on about men being selfish arseholes who put their needs before DC and/or to make DPs life harder.

OP already does most of the hard labour around raising DC with little input from her DH. Perhaps if he’d put in some of the heavy lifting then she wouldn’t be wanting to leave him.

I’d go with the renting option then leave him and I wouldn’t feel in the slightest bit guilty. Good luck 💐

Yvawn · 06/10/2024 14:23

WonderingWanda · 06/10/2024 10:35

Have they actually started at your local school? I would suggest get your house on the market. Push for a sale and move to a short term rental in the town under the guise of getting the kids settled in their new school as quickly as possible and finding the dream home (after all he's said its your Rodeo) then once they are in and you are moved break the news that you aren't happy and wish to separate. It'll be easier to split the house proceeds that way I would imagine and he can't be stubborn and refuse to sell up at this point.

This is a good idea.
It is machiavellian, but if you know your DH will turn nasty, it's only sensible.

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