Is this a mad plan?

[SellAllMyStuff]

I want to leave DH. He's v difficult, temperamental, he shows me no love. I don't fancy him. He's become a Trump supporter. I could go on but pls just don't feel sorry for him.

We live in a small village. We moved during the pandemic and it felt like a panicked move. I had one toddler and was pregnant with twins and we basically bought the biggest house we could afford and didn't think about the area

The kids are now starting school. I can't make any friends round here. All our neighbours are retired. Nothing happens here.

There is small town 25 mins away which has one the best schools for miles and I've made a really strong group of friends there (by going to clubs and kids things there). They all have kids similar ages. The town has loads going on. Its much more expensive and we would downsize.

H has agreed we should move now while the kifs are young but he's also told me it's "my rodeo" and I want to happen "it's on you". This is his attitude to everything

I would much prefer to split from H, sell our house and split the equity and then move to this town to a tiny house near the good school and start to rebuild my life. H can stay round here as only 20 mins or move there or move anywhere he wants of course!

However H could make this all v difficult. He can be v v petty. I once said I didn't like a coffee he bought me and now he refuses to buy me a coffee if we are out. He holds a grudge!! He could block me moving the kids school - even though he agrees now. He could delay everything for years by refusing to sell for example- and the kids will get more and more used to their school and I will be stuck here for years!

Am I being mad/machiavellian/unfair to put house up for sale now, move, get all the kids into the schools, and settle. And then leave him. Basically create the life I know is best for them and me and then leave him as soon as ive moved us all? Do I sound like I'm losing my mind to try and control things so much? I'm so unhappy should I just leave H or is that foolish?

I'm spiralling here trying to work out how to fix my life. Any advice pls.

So if you rolled up as residential parent to register kids for school you'd need ExH's signature?

I think @WhisperGold so let's say i split now, and then in a few months I would say "exDH I think we should move DC to XXX school because it's closer to me and it's the best mainstream school for learning disabilities in the whole region" and he says "i'm not happy with that" and I say "well, that is best for DC and i'm goign ahead" and he woudl have the right to tell the school he doesn't give permission for the move and then I would need to take him to court and the court would decide. family courts decide on school if co-parents cannot decidee between them.

Yes - not trusting my gut has got me into this mess - i have ignored or excused red flags/unacceptable behaviour my whole life. My gut is telling me he will spite me, he will hurt me, and he will use the kids to get at me when he realises i'm unaffected by his words towards me. He says i'm 'cold' these days which means he can't get a rise out of me. when he says i shitty things i don't cry anymore. and now sometimes he makes shitty comments about me to the DC. so abuse always increases when you leave right? so i do feel scared of what he might try to pull.

@5128gap

I never said anything about pulling out of the new house.

but having thought about it over my coffee I decided maybe renting & wasting the money, disrupting the kids twice, paying additional moving & storage costs might be worth it?

Though if they buy somewhere she can afford on her salary, she might do better to buy a house then buy him out after the divorce...

we don't know enough about their finance to say, I don't think.

what I DO know is she needs to get the kids in the school & I don't care how much she deceives him!

Same! I suppose she'd need to weigh up the respective costs of renting (which he'd pay with her if they moved in as a family) and court costs if he refused to move out/allow the sale of a new purchase.

Do whatever it takes to get to that point!!

OP maybe consider pretending to rise to his bait so he doesn't start on the children. Hone your acting skills, they will come in handy however this charade plays out. Good luck, he sounds like a nasty piece of work.

ah that's another issue. He isn't paying his way with the mortgage. He's now working full time again - but he only pays £300 a month to joint expenses (mortgage, nursery, bills, insurance) and I pay £000s. So I don't know how I would get him to pay half rent. He says he is paying for loads of other stuff. So if I rented I could presume I'd be paying the lion share of it all.

I want to be free of him so badly!

I think maybe buying a more affordable home I could buy him out of. I mean it would have to be really cheap but might be poss.

Thank you for the advice.

I may be trapped with a shitty husband who doesn't pay for anything but I do have a good job with plenty of potential and some v good friends, so it must be possible to get myself out of this mess!

@5128gap

i proposed her buying a new house she could afford by herself & buy him out during the divorce.

I was thinking more of the increased disruption & moving costs etc of renting inbetween, but we don't know enough about her finances (or kids) really, she'll have to decide what's affordable/better for her & the kids.

but alternatively I have a heavy spade and can help dig footings...

Just want to wish you luck. You sound amazing, strong and capable, trying to give your children a better life. Please don’t blame yourself for things that happened in the past that’s a waste of your energy. One day at a time you will achieve everything you need for your children.

Neither of the options is affordable or dont even know if i could persuade him. But both preferable to buying another house with big mortgage. I'm earning between 65 and 78 depending on a few things. H on 50. But could be on more. But younger kid only has another 7 months of childcare so that will make a difference

@AutumnTimeForCosy24 you joke...God I wish he could just up and leave us sometimes. I did a little therapy last year and the first thing she said to me when i said I wanted to leave my H was "well firstly - whether you're with him or not, you must come to terms with the fact this man will be in your life all of your life"

Horrendous but guess she was making me face the reality

So he is emotionally and verbally abusing the children speaking spitefully about you to them?
He does this because his emotional and verbal abuse of you is no longer working.

He is also financially abusing you by not working and only paying a nominal amount towards costs.

Please read up about different types of abuse and coercive control.

By educating yourself it will strengthen your resolve and help you to speak to domestic abuse organisations.

You are afraid of him hurting you and the children.

Tell Women's aid that you are terrified of him and what he might do to you and the children.

What about a refuge?
You need to box clever.
Talk to Women's aid.
Tell them he will do anything to stop you leaving.
You need help to get away.
Tell friends EXACTLY what is going on.
Go for a two bed place.
Put the children in one room.
Would your employer help you?
Can you rent and up and just leave with the children because of his abuse.
Can you ask Women's aid to ask you flee.

All that matters is you get away from him.
Can Women's aid help with the childrens school?
You will have support in this area to help you settle.
The more you educate yourself about his abuse of you the better you will be able to advocate for yourself and children.

Keep posting, we are here for you.

Hi @SellAllMyStuff

Im sorry you are going through this. I was in a similar situation but was a SAHM with not many friends.

I thought I would leave once the children were older and I managed to get a job. It didn't happen and I was so desperate I ended up doing something silly and being sent to a psychiatric hospital.

Im now stuck, no job, no money and he has a life threatening illness which has given him the excuse to ramp up the abuse.

Please, do what you have to do to move. If it means lying to him for the best outcome then do it and don't feel guilty! Get your house and children sorted then divorce him.
Yes, whilst the children are young he will be in your life and you will have to put up with his
nonsense but at least you can shut the door on it each night and have peace.

It will be tough and you are in a strong position with a support network and a good job. Good luck to you xx

Ideally find somewhere to rent in the new town that either one of you could afford solo. You can be planning to live there for a year while you get to know the area. You might as well save money on the rent if at all possible, even if the rental isn’t the fanciest.

That way if you want to move out or ask him to move out, neither of you is stuck in a lease you can’t afford.

it may be impossible with rental prices being so high, but I would still look.

Lol. It would certainly be the cheapest option! Yes, I understand what you're saying now.

@SellAllMyStuff

well firstly - whether you're with him or not, you must come to terms with the fact this man will be in your life all of your life"

well that was a depressing way to start counselling!!🙇🏻‍♀️

he said he'd move if you did the 'work' I'd just get on with it ASAP, mouth shut, plaster on a smile.
best of luck! You've got us all behind you!!

I know lawyers are expensive, but you really need competent legal advice to come up with a plan that is actionable, legal and meets your objectives. You'll save yourself both money and grief.

Educate yourself - do your homework. Wikivorce, Divorce for Dummies, family solicitor websites. Call a few family lawyers. Some may give you 20 minutes or so free on the phone, but paying for an hour would probably be a worthwhile investment.

Gather all financial documentation, including tax returns and pensions. Look at Form E and figure out where you might stand financially.

Then see the solicitor who feel most comfortable with.

@Met44 I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. That's awful. Are you his carer?

When I start having a wobble and thinking maybe I should stay, I think about one of us becoming unwell and what that would look like

I keep saying ill do it next year, next month though and I still haven't found the strength. It was actually my 2024 resolution and here we are

I really hope you find your happiness x

I raised an eyebrow at your first post as I thought you were pulling a bit of a dick move but, having read your subsequent posts, I am cheering you on from the sidelines. He sounds like the most miserable, hateful twat. He may be struggling with his moods but that's no excuse to be so spiteful and nasty. Do what you've got to do to safeguard your future happiness and that of your dc.

But to echo a pp, start documenting things. You're frightened of what he might do? Tell women's aid. He constantly undermines you and leads you to misery and stress? Tell the GP. Attempted alienation? Quiet word with their teachers. Get this on professional records for when the twat starts kicking off and making things difficult.

Also-speak to estate agents asap if you can , the market for family homes tends to slow down a lot in winter. You can do this, imagine what a lovely life you'll have without the constant jabs and grey mood affecting your every waking hour!

Baby steps! It's hard to just 'do' something so enormous but you're doing the right thing breaking it down.

So, first you're solving the problem of the kids schools, and you have also figured out a way to get out of a shared house ownership. That's a good start.

Once you have made progress with those things the next steps may feel easier.

Sell then rent. Money from sale info a joint account with 2 fo sign for withdrawals. Could be an issue though if OP needs to apply for UC.

He'd still have to agree to being bought out which he might not, or forced by a judge which would mean going to court.

This is a great idea. Otherwise you have to buy another joint home in the town which you’ll ultimately have to sell when you split.

It all came up tonight. He started on me "I thought you were going to get a better paid job. How We gonna pay for this house move?" Then he said "you saw friends last Friday night when you could have been applying for jobs"

This is a man who was asked by his boss to go on a training course in order to get prepped for a promotion and he didn't do it because it meant slightly longer hours for a couple of weeks.

He honestly thinks my responsibility in life is to do everything for him. He was saying "you do a spreadsheet of how it will all work and I'll agree or disagree ok?". His patronisung tone with me "I know you have some fancy vision for the kids or whatever but you need to work out how we afford living in XX and make it happen. You need to be across the details because you're not good with details so you need to show me how it all works - like the commute, the school drop, etc, cost of bills - so get all that sorted and I won't say no"

I recorded him. I do when I remember and I make notes of all the shitty things he's done. It's hidden on my work laptop.

He is currently lying in bed looking at v v cheap houses in the new town shouting "oooh lovely. This one barely has a bathroom. Great idea moving isn't it love" and laughing to himself

He's a fucking bully. Spiteful, patronising, lazy weight around my neck

I have to escape in a way that doesn't trap us. I'm trying so hard to work out how that can happen

Thank you for advice. So nice to hear ppl understand my logic!