Is this a mad plan?

[SellAllMyStuff]

I want to leave DH. He's v difficult, temperamental, he shows me no love. I don't fancy him. He's become a Trump supporter. I could go on but pls just don't feel sorry for him.

We live in a small village. We moved during the pandemic and it felt like a panicked move. I had one toddler and was pregnant with twins and we basically bought the biggest house we could afford and didn't think about the area

The kids are now starting school. I can't make any friends round here. All our neighbours are retired. Nothing happens here.

There is small town 25 mins away which has one the best schools for miles and I've made a really strong group of friends there (by going to clubs and kids things there). They all have kids similar ages. The town has loads going on. Its much more expensive and we would downsize.

H has agreed we should move now while the kifs are young but he's also told me it's "my rodeo" and I want to happen "it's on you". This is his attitude to everything

I would much prefer to split from H, sell our house and split the equity and then move to this town to a tiny house near the good school and start to rebuild my life. H can stay round here as only 20 mins or move there or move anywhere he wants of course!

However H could make this all v difficult. He can be v v petty. I once said I didn't like a coffee he bought me and now he refuses to buy me a coffee if we are out. He holds a grudge!! He could block me moving the kids school - even though he agrees now. He could delay everything for years by refusing to sell for example- and the kids will get more and more used to their school and I will be stuck here for years!

Am I being mad/machiavellian/unfair to put house up for sale now, move, get all the kids into the schools, and settle. And then leave him. Basically create the life I know is best for them and me and then leave him as soon as ive moved us all? Do I sound like I'm losing my mind to try and control things so much? I'm so unhappy should I just leave H or is that foolish?

I'm spiralling here trying to work out how to fix my life. Any advice pls.

Yes, many men plan their “escape” silently for years and then just spring it on their wives as a fait accompli, so I’d think of this as cosmic justice.

This man doesn’t want to engage, has opted out, and if op did engage with him, it wouldn’t go well. So what option does she have?

I don’t have much practical advice to add, but I am willing you on OP.

You can do this and you will be so much happier.

@endlesslight thanks for all that helpful info. The school can't say no on that basis. The council are about to go over the legal threshold for issuing it so will need to start taking action on that.

@GabriellaMontez I don't know if I'm bein financially abused. I have my own income and independence. I just pay for most things and have been called every name under the sun.

He is a deeply insecure angry man. I am not scared of him but he feels v unpredictable. He doesn't have friends or a job or wider family that he cares about. I worry about how he will be without us because he doesn't have much else.

I think that the fact he is a Trump supporter would be enough for me to end it!

Don’t be deterred, OP. Get moved and the DC settled into their new school, that’s the priority.

Ignore PPs saying you’re being devious or unfair. That’s irrelevant here, You need to make this move, and if you’re divorcing him at the same time he will do everything he can to sabotage it. You have to get the move completed first.

Who knows, you may even get on with him better after that. If not, you are on much safer ground to start divorce proceedings. Best of luck xx

I worry about how he will be without us because he doesn't have much else.

That’s 100% his fault, OP! Don’t let inappropriate pity drag you and DC down. He can look after himself, he just prefers to exploit you.

You paying for everything is financial abuse. He has no redeeming features at all. You and your children will be so much happier without him in your home.

Do not feel sorry for him. He doesn't have any friends, workmates or family because he is a horrible, angry man.

I got a 2nd interview for the job I want. It's similar money but 20 min commute instead of 90 min which is far better for the kids if I'm about to become a single mum. I'll be able to do every drop and pick up and I can WFH a load too.

Anyway I told H I had a 2nd interview and he said "how much then. How much". I told him the salary and he said "that's alright I guess". And I said "no congratulations for the 2nd interview then?"

And he said "I'm not going to say well done for getting another interview when I don't know how much money you'll be bringing in. I need to see a job offer and a salary before I say well done"

I mean that's not normal is it? I feel like I'm being overly sensitive in those moments but I would say well done to someone for getting to last stage interview

Well done!!!!

And 🤞🤞🤞for getting the job.

But please stop paying heed to what he says and focus on your plans for the future.

You are a very capable woman - you'll be fine.

Thank you @PaminaMozart

New job
New school
New house
No husband

I'm so determined.

💃

It's not normal.

I assume he wasn't a deadbeat creepy controlling negative loser when you married him!? Sad how people change.

Also (ahem) congrats on your second interview 🍾🎉

Well done!!

No it's not normal. The guys a fucking freak. He sounds threatened by you.

Congratulations!

He’s an absolute piece of shit. Smile and ignore and just mentally think of how much every nasty loser comment is another nail in his coffin, and he doesn’t even know it 👌

No fucking way would I be married to a trump supporter..

So you're talking about moving first, together, and then leaving him?
Gosh, that seems super disingenuous and unfair.

But do you know what, if that's what you have to do for your own survival then go for it.

Best of luck to you, OP x

Can’t you really? Ok. I can.

I would move, get settled, then split.

Do you work?

This.
Keep your eye on the main goal.
Life being easier for your child in school and you getting rid of this abusive loser.
Of course he is financially abusing you.

Well, no. He wasn't all those things. But he was insecure. And he could say cruel things to me in front of other people in particular. He was generous and funny too though and those traits have almost gone. But he could always be cruel. I ignored the red flags. A lot of men have been shitty to me really, there is definitely a pattern.

So yes, he has changed. Things really shifted when I was pregnant and i remember feeling so surprised at his lack of concern and how everything was about him, and how angry it made him when I had morning sickness or felf tired. It didn't seem to add up with the man i thought id married. But if I'm honest with myself there were things from the early days too.

I hope you’re doing well OP. How did your second interview go or hasn’t it happened yet?

I'm OK @Hotmess1 he's a miserable arsehole. I find it so hard to be around him. I've bitten the bullet and paying for some legal advice specifically on moving house and school. And I've got another round of interviews soon.

He's such a dick.

Our autistic 5 year old just wiped a dirty spoon on the wall at dinner time. And H stood up and shouted at DS "you're five for God's sake. You're too old to do fucking stuff like this. Your mother is trying to sell the house and you're smearing shit on the walls".

Really shouting stood over him. And snatched it out of his hand. DS burst into tears.

However much I scheme and plan I can't protect my kids from him being such a dick. I mean that is arsehole behaviour isn't it? He was grumpy all dinner time. The kids were being v hyper and silly but one of them is autistic with a learning disability and the other one is 3! So they're going to be a little challenging sometimes!

Your kids still sound more mature than him.

Keep on keeping on, bide your time and keep your cards close to your chest. You are playing the long game and this too shall pass.

In the meantime I hope your solicitor can help you arrive at a feasible strategy. And good luck with the job interviews!

He can stop the children moving school.