Is this a mad plan?

[SellAllMyStuff]

I want to leave DH. He's v difficult, temperamental, he shows me no love. I don't fancy him. He's become a Trump supporter. I could go on but pls just don't feel sorry for him.

We live in a small village. We moved during the pandemic and it felt like a panicked move. I had one toddler and was pregnant with twins and we basically bought the biggest house we could afford and didn't think about the area

The kids are now starting school. I can't make any friends round here. All our neighbours are retired. Nothing happens here.

There is small town 25 mins away which has one the best schools for miles and I've made a really strong group of friends there (by going to clubs and kids things there). They all have kids similar ages. The town has loads going on. Its much more expensive and we would downsize.

H has agreed we should move now while the kifs are young but he's also told me it's "my rodeo" and I want to happen "it's on you". This is his attitude to everything

I would much prefer to split from H, sell our house and split the equity and then move to this town to a tiny house near the good school and start to rebuild my life. H can stay round here as only 20 mins or move there or move anywhere he wants of course!

However H could make this all v difficult. He can be v v petty. I once said I didn't like a coffee he bought me and now he refuses to buy me a coffee if we are out. He holds a grudge!! He could block me moving the kids school - even though he agrees now. He could delay everything for years by refusing to sell for example- and the kids will get more and more used to their school and I will be stuck here for years!

Am I being mad/machiavellian/unfair to put house up for sale now, move, get all the kids into the schools, and settle. And then leave him. Basically create the life I know is best for them and me and then leave him as soon as ive moved us all? Do I sound like I'm losing my mind to try and control things so much? I'm so unhappy should I just leave H or is that foolish?

I'm spiralling here trying to work out how to fix my life. Any advice pls.

Op I'd be tempted to move kids school, secretly set yourself up in an affordable rental for you and kids and leave. Change mortgage to interest only and file for divorce.

Even better put in for mortgage holiday after you leave and force house sale.

@Hankunamatata I thought mortgage holidays were only for pandemic reasons/context?

This is v helpful though. I hope to get both kids into new school to start in Sep 25 but they should have their places confirmed much earlier.

So wait for that confirmation. Then leave H and move to rental in new town and force house sale. I could end up paying both mortgage and rent but hadn't considered moving to interest only or holiday. That might make it more doable. Takes a long time to force a house sale though I guess!

The kids are going to be upset. But I can't stand it anymore.

Op, I just wondered, as he leaves all the admin up to you, would he even be up to opposing the school move? I get he might threaten it but does he have it in him to actually initiate the process?

He really sounds abusive. Have you tried doing a child maintenance calculation on what you would be entitled to?

@Sweetnessandbite i've thought that. he doesn't know anything about anything. the mortgage, insurance - he likes to sound off about that stuff but practically he doesn't even know who our mortgage is with. he wouldn't hvae the first clue to find out how much we have left to pay for example, or have any idea about when things need to be done about schools. he isn't signed up to any alerts from the school, doesnt' get the emails.

the problem is - he must be capable of doing things. he must be. he is alreadly slighty infuenced by men online who think feminism has gone too far blah blah - and i think he would hate me, and hate women, even more that he does now and that might mean he would soon quicklky learn how to make all those thigns are difficult as possible for me. he would google stuff and find out pretty quickly that half the house, half the kids are all his.

he has a big thing about me "thinking im better than him" - and i think he would do anythign to stop me "having one over on him".

honestly, i have no trust in him whatsoever to do the right thing or be an adult about these things.

CMS - no, i haven't. I will do. But i guess that depends on whether he goes for 5050 or not. I hvae thought long and hard about my approach and read lots of things on here and it seems if your ex asks for 5050 you should give it?

i can forsee a 5050 arrangement where i'm still doing all the admin for the kids so i need to prevent that.

Just dropping in here to post a quick comment about the 50/50 question.

If he suggests 50/50 then suggest an initial every other weekend (fri night to mon morning straight from school ) plus one weekday night (straight from school) initially, moving to 50/50 in 3 months.

On his days do absolutely nothing at all to help, and be incredibly positive about the break and the chance to focus on your work. Don’t pay for anything on his days. Don’t help with childcare. Don’t support. Don’t talk about missing the kids.

I cannot stress enough how few previously unengaged dads consistently do a genuine 50 percent after divorce except to deliberately spite their exes. So the chances of this increasing at the three month point when he’ll need to be available for school drop offs, pick ups etc is almost nil.

This approach might be a bit hard for the kids, but a lot less hard than a long protracted court case to end up in the same position.

I got legal advice today. A proper paid for hour so we could get into some detail.

She recommeding cracking on with it. Basically said that it would be great if I could transfer the school right now, and then split next year - but if that might drag on for months and months as try to move into catchment area OR wait for an ECHP to come through - she recommended just starting process and that given the evidence of why the other school is better - if I need to go to court - I would win. Maybe she just wants more work! I don't know. But she said that this waiting game was all v well if i had a date when it would be sorted but given it could drag out another year - she felt that could mean 2 or 3 more years working this out and the earlier i start the sooner i'll be out of there.

he is being really truly horrible to me so at the moment i kind of agree with her. i want to be strategic but it's v hard to keep this going.

Do it OP. No guilt. I didn't and am stuck because absolutely everything is being blocked by my ex out of pettiness, down to moving drs because I had to move to a nearby area instead of staying in the old area because I had trouble affording it after the split. If your ex is anything like mine absolutely please don't be me. Like some others on this thread I'm also stuck in England without family support, because yes, they can block you from everything and yes, they turn into Daddy of the year once they know they can A. Make your life hard and B. Not pay maintenance when they get awarded 50:50. Family court are a nightmare, and seriously, it can take more than a year for cases to be concluded. Do NOT be me

@Bafflingpineapplecow I'm so sorry. What an arsehole. He's stopping you move to a new doctor? That's ridiculous. Are you taking him to court?

A solicitor's job is to advise their client to the best of their ability and this solicitor sounds as if she knows what she is doing. It's not about more work for her, it's about what's in your best interest.

Take her advice. Go and see her again if you need to. Get her (or her firm if it's not her specialty) to handle the house sale etc as well.

Also he will have to find another solicitor once you separate and start legal proceedings so she is acting for you alone.

I wish you well. Be brave.

I didn't see this mentioned upthread, but please lock down all your emails/social media/correspondence and internet history. Don't let him find this thread. I'm not very tech savvy but maybe there is advice on the internet which can explain how to do this and make sure your devices are not connected.

Also don't let him see any bank payments to solicitors etc.

Please stay safe. We all know women are most at risk when planning to leave x

THIS

I disagree strongly with that.

@SellAllMyStuff Go for it. It s a good plan of you have the emotional resilience to sustain it. But DO find a job before divorcing.
that way a) you ve got an income however low; b) you re building an independant life away from your stbx and children as they grow quickly; and c) you can blame that yoy ve gone and grow “your separate ways” which a good re-frame of the situation.

sometimes in life we have to remember the end goal and that sometimes the way to get there is NOT to be black and white. It is much easier in the long run. And yes I do believe that women are smarter that way.

but you need the emotional resilience to sustain it. Do you have what it takes? It wont be easy.