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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say dh can take kids to Spain without me?

190 replies

NaanAnaan · 06/10/2024 04:39

Dh wants us all to go to Spain for 7 nights at Xmas with his PIL and his child-free sister. I don’t want to.

We would be staying in a large vacation home of family friend, but it will be too cold to swim in their pool (about 17 in the day) so I suspect kids will be disappointed and will whinge. And I have only a handful of days off work so I would have to work some days while we are there from 8am to 5.30pm.

It will cost £1600 for our travel to the airport, flights, and kennelling our pets for a week.

I told dh amiably that I don’t really want to go but so the in-laws aren’t disappointed he would be welcome to take the kids and I’ll have the £400 to spend on myself, thanks!

My teen dd then chimed in, “actually can I stay home with mum and have the £400 too?”

At which point dh lost the plot and yelled at us both “fine we won’t go then!” and was quite unpleasant to me.

aibu to just say no?

OP posts:
Weenurse · 06/10/2024 04:45

Not unreasonable,

Tulip8 · 06/10/2024 04:46

Not unreasonable but a conversation I would have had away from the children to start with.

SantasRubiksCube · 06/10/2024 04:52

Not unreasonable to not want to go but is that to say you'd be happy to not spend Christmas together?

Tracyblot · 06/10/2024 04:58

This reply has been deleted

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IAmAFirestarter · 06/10/2024 05:31

If you're going to take the £400 to spend on yourself it's not about the money. It's just you don't want to go. I'd have had that conversation away from the kids. Also, the bit about the pool. Surely it's a parent's job to manage expectations and find other stuff to do. What are your real reasons for not wanting to go?

HoppityBun · 06/10/2024 05:52

IAmAFirestarter · 06/10/2024 05:31

If you're going to take the £400 to spend on yourself it's not about the money. It's just you don't want to go. I'd have had that conversation away from the kids. Also, the bit about the pool. Surely it's a parent's job to manage expectations and find other stuff to do. What are your real reasons for not wanting to go?

It’ll be too cold to use the pool
The children will be bored and whinge
The pets will have to be kennelled
OP will have to work anyway 8:00 - 5:30 some days
It’s a lot of money to travel abroad and then have to work

Those seem good enough real reasons to me.

Mamabobogo · 06/10/2024 05:53

This reply has been deleted

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MumChp · 06/10/2024 06:03

No a teen can't stay at home and cash £400. Nor should you! It's not how a family or marriage work.

FGS never get children into a discussion like this. If I were your partner I would be so so mad that you tried to trick a teenager to get it your way.

It's about the pool? Spain is so much more than a pool? You could have a great adventure. Is it about money? Can you afford it? Is it about your husband's family?

MayaPinion · 06/10/2024 06:09

I wouldn't want to go either. Can you go out for a weekend citing work as the reason you can't stay longer?

Savingthehedgehogs · 06/10/2024 06:10

I wouldn’t want to go either.
Its a waste of money, too cold, op knows her teen dc will be bored without a pool.
You also have to work, and kennel the pets over Christmas. It’s perfectly okay just to say no it’s not for you. If dp wants to go with his parents, he can.

In our home we sit down and discuss holidays. If my dh wasn’t keen on this over Xmas we wouldn’t be going.

it sounds like your dp is trying to keep his family happy, and not considering you or the dc.

amothersinstinct · 06/10/2024 06:11

And if it was your parents you'd be visiting OP....I'm sure you'd have made the effort

RandomUsernameHere · 06/10/2024 06:17

YANBU for not wanting to go but YABU for mentioning the money and saying you're going to spend it on yourself. Especially in front of the children. I think that's a pretty unpleasant attitude.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 06/10/2024 06:17

amothersinstinct · 06/10/2024 06:11

And if it was your parents you'd be visiting OP....I'm sure you'd have made the effort

But would her partner? If you need to work then I would just say you can't go because of work. He probably thought it would make a nice change. I probably wouldn't have bought the money into the conversation in front of your child. I would be clear that the child isn't getting £400.

Savingthehedgehogs · 06/10/2024 06:20

MumChp · 06/10/2024 06:03

No a teen can't stay at home and cash £400. Nor should you! It's not how a family or marriage work.

FGS never get children into a discussion like this. If I were your partner I would be so so mad that you tried to trick a teenager to get it your way.

It's about the pool? Spain is so much more than a pool? You could have a great adventure. Is it about money? Can you afford it? Is it about your husband's family?

Edited

Beyond the churches and perhaps horse riding what are you suggesting they do in the winter in Spain exactly? It’s too cold for most water sports, the pools and beaches will be too cold. Many holiday hot spots will be closed out of season. Many of the restaurants will be too. I lived there for years and the winters can be bleak. They don’t have central heating in many places, so it’s also very cold.

Have you actually tried dragging disinterested teens around churches?
They could use the holiday money in the summer and enjoy the experience. Op also has to work. This is in no way going to be fun for anyone…

DoloresDelEriba · 06/10/2024 06:22

You do sound a bit miserable about it. But I’d love to go to Spain for Christmas. A proper calm discussion is required. I don’t think some going and some not is a sensible solution. Mostly because it’s really rude. But I’m old school. And quite old. And have ‘manners’. Sorry.

withalittlebitofhelp · 06/10/2024 06:25

I can’t work out whether your PIL live in Spain (so this is a visit) or whether this is designed to be a group holiday.

if they live there, and you don’t often
spend Christmas with them, then you’re being pretty mean to your DH.

Bearbookagainandagain · 06/10/2024 06:32

YABU not to support your husband plans to celebrate the holiday with his family. You haven't even tried to compromise because you just selfishly don't want to go.
None of the reasons you mentioned are real reasons, you're just trying to justify it to yourself.

hanali · 06/10/2024 06:33

Honestly, I think you are being difficult and the net result is because you don't want to go no one will now go. Possibly the entire Christmas holiday will now be cancelled by the in-laws. Can imagine it's not going to be a good look on you with your in-laws anyway. You could have handled this much better.

CurlewKate · 06/10/2024 06:33

I would be absolutely furious if my dp had this discussion in front of the children. Can't get past that.

Chillisintheair · 06/10/2024 06:35

Just to clarifiy the trip would be with DH’s parents or DH’s DS’s PIL?

Eenameenadeeka · 06/10/2024 06:40

I think it was unreasonable to discuss in front of the children and absolutely unreasonable to say that you'd rather have the money to spend on yourself, I can see why your DH would be hurt by your teen saying that about seeing his family. I understand that it probably isn't ideal with the timing because you have to work but you could try and compromise on timing or something? Do you mean you stay home on Christmas day without your family because that's pretty sad, I can see why he wasn't happy.

MumChp · 06/10/2024 06:40

Savingthehedgehogs · 06/10/2024 06:20

Beyond the churches and perhaps horse riding what are you suggesting they do in the winter in Spain exactly? It’s too cold for most water sports, the pools and beaches will be too cold. Many holiday hot spots will be closed out of season. Many of the restaurants will be too. I lived there for years and the winters can be bleak. They don’t have central heating in many places, so it’s also very cold.

Have you actually tried dragging disinterested teens around churches?
They could use the holiday money in the summer and enjoy the experience. Op also has to work. This is in no way going to be fun for anyone…

Show quote history

We spent a wonderful Christmas in Andalusia with teenagers. You can have a great family holiday if you want.
If you don't want from day 1 of course it's awful, yes, true....

Gladicalled · 06/10/2024 06:42

Not unreasonable to not want to go

But why would you or the teen get handed £400 for not going?

Tourmalines · 06/10/2024 06:48

Tell your teen DD no, she’s not getting 400 quid!

AnywhereAnyoneAnyTime · 06/10/2024 06:50

Fine to say it’s a bad idea to go and the reasons why.

But to say you will stay home and spend £400 on yourself in front of the dc was incredibly manipulative.

Clearly it’s not about the money if you’re still open to spending it.

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