To say dh can take kids to Spain without me?

[NaanAnaan]

Dh wants us all to go to Spain for 7 nights at Xmas with his PIL and his child-free sister. I don’t want to.

We would be staying in a large vacation home of family friend, but it will be too cold to swim in their pool (about 17 in the day) so I suspect kids will be disappointed and will whinge. And I have only a handful of days off work so I would have to work some days while we are there from 8am to 5.30pm.

It will cost £1600 for our travel to the airport, flights, and kennelling our pets for a week.

I told dh amiably that I don’t really want to go but so the in-laws aren’t disappointed he would be welcome to take the kids and I’ll have the £400 to spend on myself, thanks!

My teen dd then chimed in, “actually can I stay home with mum and have the £400 too?”

At which point dh lost the plot and yelled at us both “fine we won’t go then!” and was quite unpleasant to me.

aibu to just say no?

There's obviously a huge back story because both adults have managed to escalate what should have been a normal discussion quite unreasonably.

Particularly the OP. Not wanting to go away because she'd have to work is a perfectly fine reason for saying no, and that's where she should have left it. The swimming pool being too cold is a very tenuous reason for turning down what sounds like very nice free accommodation in nicer weather than Britain. Bringing up £400 for herself was odd and doing so in front of the teenager just plain manipulative.

Surely the children can also decide for themselves if a cold swimming pool is a deal-breaker for seven days?

I suspect that OP doesn't like the PIL or the "child-free sister" (why is her child-free status relevant here? And why do I get the vibe the OP disapproves of it?). I suspect she has history of dragging her feet and being reluctant to see her in-laws. And I suspect her husband is at the end of his tether about that. Why, or who is reasonable there - who knows.

It’s fine. I take dc to Spain without Dh. He took one of ours to France on holiday without me. It means we don’t have to worry about the dog or hiring extra farm help. I probably wouldn’t have said it in front of a child so that they didn’t have the same option. If I was your Dh, I’d go with my family if I wanted to (personally, I’d never in a million years go on a holiday with my in-laws 😳).

Completely unreasonable to have the conversation in front of your children.

I don’t see it as manipulative. Maybe she was just joking about the money. I think the context is missing here.
Either way she has a right to an opinion, to say no, and to choose. I would not want to go either, so I don’t blame her. I would decline. Absolutely.

I would have discussed it with dh and said "it's difficult with work and pets, I'm not bothered about going. I'll stay at home and work and look after pets.
But you and kids should still go I wouldn't want you to miss out "

I definitely wouldn't have brought up cost.

Your dh is right to be annoyed at the way you managed it.

I'd apologise for managing it badly and explain why you don't want to go but you don't want him to miss out if he wants to go. At this point kids will have to make their own decisions but they definitely shouldn't be getting any money

They are not children - they are teenagers with some autonomy and they also have a right to an opinion about where they spend Christmas. Most parents include their teens in decisions around holidays and occasions.

They are intending to hire a holiday rental for all of you, not their own property with kitchen equipment, possessions, and activities available? That doesn't sound like much fun, especially with teens! A family party in summer would be another matter...

Exactly.

I totally understand not wanting to go, and I wouldn't want to in OP's shoes either as it just doesn't make sense (financially or practically) but that's a conversation that needs to be had in private.

Having a discussion like that in front of the kids, especially when you both have totally different views, is always going to end up with someone getting their feelings hurt.

Nice marriage you've got there OP.

But OP wasn’t doing that, she was saying that she didn’t want to go and she wanted to get £400 for not going and to spend it on herself.

ahe wasn’t asking what her teen thought, she’s happy for them to go.

It's normal to involve teens in discussions about family holidays, yes.

It isn't normal to give teens the idea that they can either spend a week with their grandparents or they can choose to have £400 instead to spend on whatever they like.

We don’t know how it was said, maybe in jest, I would rather keep the £400 and the teen agreed.

Either way it doesn’t sound like an enticing prospect to most of us with teens (or even without)
Holidays are precious and need to be agreed by all, especially Christmas breaks with the in laws in less than optimal weather and circumstances. Maybe op would have enjoyed a hotel with some services and facilities.

An out of season villa with the in laws for a full week in the middle of winter would be my idea of hell at Christmas! Cooking and cleaning, bored teens, crap weather and trying to work sounds like a recipe for disaster.

Why not look after the kids yourself and let DH go alone ?

Exactly!

She said she wanted DH to take the kids and she’ll stay home.

It was very wrong to say it in front of the child, regardless of age.

Imagine hearing your mum would rather have the £400 than spend time as a family as Christmas.

This should have been discussed between just OP and DH.

And it's fine to think it sounds like hell - it doesn't appeal to me either - but it's still not a conversation you have in front of your kids (regardless of their age).

When the kids are paying, then they can have a say.

Ummm the dp raised the subject in front of said teen. So not really op’s fault at all.

Yep, I'm not saying he's painting himself in glory.

But she's still the one who said "he would be welcome to take the kids and I’ll have the £400 to spend on myself" - which not only sounds really selfish, it also basically cancels out her whole argument about money and how much it'll cost.

Like PP have said, the 'I'll stay at home and have the £400' seems odd and not how my idea of a family works.

What's the financial situation with you and your DH? What's your relationship like? Transactional and always trying to get one up on each other?

Where does it say anything about the DH raising it in front of the kids?

They had worked out how much it was going to cost to get there and for kennels etc.
OP had worked out that she would have to work and couldn’t get time off etc.

He hadn’t just brought it up.
They’d obviously discussed it previously and OP had then thought about it and decided she would rather stay at home.

But then chose to say it in front of the teen, instead of discussing her idea as adults first.

suspect that OP doesn't like the PIL or the "child-free sister" (why is her child-free status relevant here? And why do I get the vibe the OP disapproves of it?).

Probably to add to the frothiness. It's got everything that some people on here hate - husband asking for wife and kids to spend time with his family, the dreaded in laws and as the cherry on the top the child free sister who is probably going to be painted as a child hating witch in any subsequent drip feeds.

I don’t think the OP had had her arse handed to her at all. Opinions seem pretty mixed, and the poll is that she is NBU. Yes, some people are using pretty OTT language.

I think Op, YANBU not to want to go, and not to go. Your reasons seem fair enough, and this isn’t something one parent should be able to railroad the family into.

Your teen obviously doesn’t get £400 for not going though- I hope you told her that straight away!

I don’t think a marriage partner (ie you) should be taking £400 from the family pot to stay home either as to me that’s not how a family works. However I assumed it was a joke!

Or maybe it’s just to show that there won’t be other kids/ teens there?

Me too, I assumed it was a joke too.

The way you handled it sounds really horrible and if my husband did this I would be really upset.
If you didntvwant to go you could have had a proper chat about it all.

I agree that you anbu not to want to go. That is how you feel. You were really out of order with the £400 discussion in front of children though. I don't think there is any getting past that. If I were you, I would be going now.