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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say dh can take kids to Spain without me?

190 replies

NaanAnaan · 06/10/2024 04:39

Dh wants us all to go to Spain for 7 nights at Xmas with his PIL and his child-free sister. I don’t want to.

We would be staying in a large vacation home of family friend, but it will be too cold to swim in their pool (about 17 in the day) so I suspect kids will be disappointed and will whinge. And I have only a handful of days off work so I would have to work some days while we are there from 8am to 5.30pm.

It will cost £1600 for our travel to the airport, flights, and kennelling our pets for a week.

I told dh amiably that I don’t really want to go but so the in-laws aren’t disappointed he would be welcome to take the kids and I’ll have the £400 to spend on myself, thanks!

My teen dd then chimed in, “actually can I stay home with mum and have the £400 too?”

At which point dh lost the plot and yelled at us both “fine we won’t go then!” and was quite unpleasant to me.

aibu to just say no?

OP posts:
Cappuccinowithonesugarplease · 06/10/2024 06:52

Not unreasonable for not wanting to go, but you are being very unreasonable for suggesting you can keep the 400 pounds especially in from of your teenager.
I guess it would be a different outcome if you wanted to see your parents.

waitingforthebus · 06/10/2024 06:54

No one offered you £400, OP, that was a crass comment. So you're not going on holiday with his family, and you want to spend a load of money anyway?
Sounds like the kids are older and if they want to swim in a freezing pool they can just take a wetsuit.

Nameftgigb · 06/10/2024 07:02

Savingthehedgehogs · 06/10/2024 06:20

Beyond the churches and perhaps horse riding what are you suggesting they do in the winter in Spain exactly? It’s too cold for most water sports, the pools and beaches will be too cold. Many holiday hot spots will be closed out of season. Many of the restaurants will be too. I lived there for years and the winters can be bleak. They don’t have central heating in many places, so it’s also very cold.

Have you actually tried dragging disinterested teens around churches?
They could use the holiday money in the summer and enjoy the experience. Op also has to work. This is in no way going to be fun for anyone…

Show quote history

They can do the exact same things as they do when visiting relatives in the uk? Or maybe even a bit more? Or are they only allowed to visit their nan and aunt on their dad’s side when their mum can get a nice holiday out of it?

MintyNew · 06/10/2024 07:09

I wouldn't want to go either especially over Christmas. I prefer always being in my own home, and thankfully dh is the same. Also if you have to work, I would rather do it at home. The kids will be bored it seems. Fine to suggest you stay back, but the kids don't get the money if they want to stay too.
Do the kids want to go ?

Whaleandsnail6 · 06/10/2024 07:17

I think it was strange how you immediately asked for the money to spend on yourself.
And I'd be making it clear to teenager they are to go and not getting the money

But as to whether you were unreasonable in not wanting to go on the holiday depends for me...how much time do you spend together with his family? If this is a pattern of not really spending time with them, I can see his annoyance. What do you normally do for Christmas as a family?

Also, is this over Christmas? Will you be missing Christmas with your family?

Given you could afford to have the £400 to treat yourself, doesnt aound like money is the issue so I think for family time (even if you have to work some if it) I'd have gone . Holidays are what you make of them and teenagers can find stuff to do...so what of weather is grim, its grim in England too!

Pippa12 · 06/10/2024 07:23

It sounds like an unpleasant exchange from start to finish from all involved.

Has this just literally popped up out of the blue or have you been talking about it and you’ve now decided you really don’t want to go?

Ive never heard anything like the £400 comment.

I wouldn’t want to go as we spend Xmas with my mine and my DH parents altogether. But if that wasn’t an issue I’d jump at the chance of defrosting for week! Some parts of Spain will still have very pleasant weather. Bit strange teenagers can only be entertained by a pool!

soupfiend · 06/10/2024 07:45

It was 15 degrees here yesterday and bright sunshine and it was beautiful and people were in the sea and enjoying the beaches

OP hasnt said where the holiday is, so people talking about 'holiday hotspots' may be off key

I also dont understand how a child has been brought up to be only enjoy a holiday if a pool is involved,

And no, it shouldnt have been discussed in front of the children and the children need to go if thats the plan from the husband. If mum chooses to opt out, she can, she is an adult but the chlidren need to go.

IbizaToTheNorfolkBroads · 06/10/2024 07:47

It seems perfectly reasonable for the DH to want to spend time with his wider family at Christmas.

I'm not a big fan of my PIL, but I recognise that they are DH's and the DC's family, and they would like to spend it together.

When was the last time your DH saw his family, or spent Christmas with them?

Could the compromise be that you all go, but for a shorter time?

ChairmanMeowww · 06/10/2024 07:53

I swim in the outdoor pool at my gym all year! You get surprisingly used to it, and Spain will be warmer than the UK. It’ll still be nice to go for mountain walks, beach walks, see the local sights, eat nice food, relax together. And you could get lucky with the weather and ir ends up being sunny and quite warm.

Cas112 · 06/10/2024 07:56

OP if you don't want to go you don't want to go. Ignore everyone trying to persuade you.

Lemonadeand · 06/10/2024 08:10

Wetsuits?

Sugarysugar · 06/10/2024 08:11

Not unreasonable to not want to go.

But if you worded it in such an insensitive way as though you weren't bothered about seeing his family and it was all about the money then I'm not surprised your DH was upset. It comes over as though you were enjoying being hurtful.

JMSA · 06/10/2024 08:11

YABU.

Memyaelf · 06/10/2024 08:12

NaanAnaan · 06/10/2024 04:39

Dh wants us all to go to Spain for 7 nights at Xmas with his PIL and his child-free sister. I don’t want to.

We would be staying in a large vacation home of family friend, but it will be too cold to swim in their pool (about 17 in the day) so I suspect kids will be disappointed and will whinge. And I have only a handful of days off work so I would have to work some days while we are there from 8am to 5.30pm.

It will cost £1600 for our travel to the airport, flights, and kennelling our pets for a week.

I told dh amiably that I don’t really want to go but so the in-laws aren’t disappointed he would be welcome to take the kids and I’ll have the £400 to spend on myself, thanks!

My teen dd then chimed in, “actually can I stay home with mum and have the £400 too?”

At which point dh lost the plot and yelled at us both “fine we won’t go then!” and was quite unpleasant to me.

aibu to just say no?

I live in Spain. It’s around 18-20 degrees Christmas Day and we go to the beach! As do a lot that live here! Costa Blanca.

honestasever · 06/10/2024 08:14

It’s not about the location is it?

rookiemere · 06/10/2024 08:17

Agree with others, this is a conversation you and DH needed to have without DCs in the room.

Is there an option to go at a warmer time instead ? That would be my opening gambit, as it seems a shame to spend all that money and not get warm weather.

AvaJae · 06/10/2024 08:21

And is there nothing local to enjoy other than the pool?

Christmas in Spain is beautiful, new ideas, foods, cultural traditions, religious services.
Something different to expand your DC’s view of Spain as only being about the pool.

Where in Spain are your family going?

You are being unreasonable splitting your family at Christmas. Costs are not massive, working for part of it seems fine. You are making excuses.

Heronwatcher · 06/10/2024 08:24

I think we need a bit more context. What do you normally do for Christmas? Does your DH often get to see his sister and parents? Who chooses where you go on holiday normally? Will DH organise it? Who will be doing the cooking/ cleaning when you get there?

Personally if my DH wanted to go and he didn’t have a history of always monopolising Christmas I would go. I’d manage kids expectations beforehand about no pool but think if a few other things to do (indoor pool, nice market, festive food). The weather could be decent but even if not we’ve had some fab winter holidays in Europe with the kids and I love seeing how places celebrate Christmas. I’d also expect my DH to occasionally do something they didn’t want to do at Christmas if it meant a lot to me (I’m dragging him across the UK to meet with my family this year, somewhere it is likely to be more cold and miserable than home!).

That might not be the case though if i suspected I’d be doing all of the cooking and washing up or otherwise being treated as a skivvy. I think I’d not go if that’s what had happened in the past. But the £400 is neither here nor there and I agree it was a bit manipulative to discuss it in front of your teen.

Sologurn · 06/10/2024 08:25

lol kids go in a pool no matter the weather 😂. But if you don't want to go, you don't have to

GabriellaMontez · 06/10/2024 08:26

On the face of it yanbu.

But.
There has to be more to this... did he broach this to you for the first time in front of the teen?

What are your usual plans for Christmas?

Blusterydaytodaypoohbear · 06/10/2024 08:29

I think the £400 was a bonus for not going not the actual reasoning for not going.. A week with ils at Xmas? No thanks!!

Sharptonguedwoman · 06/10/2024 08:32

NaanAnaan · 06/10/2024 04:39

Dh wants us all to go to Spain for 7 nights at Xmas with his PIL and his child-free sister. I don’t want to.

We would be staying in a large vacation home of family friend, but it will be too cold to swim in their pool (about 17 in the day) so I suspect kids will be disappointed and will whinge. And I have only a handful of days off work so I would have to work some days while we are there from 8am to 5.30pm.

It will cost £1600 for our travel to the airport, flights, and kennelling our pets for a week.

I told dh amiably that I don’t really want to go but so the in-laws aren’t disappointed he would be welcome to take the kids and I’ll have the £400 to spend on myself, thanks!

My teen dd then chimed in, “actually can I stay home with mum and have the £400 too?”

At which point dh lost the plot and yelled at us both “fine we won’t go then!” and was quite unpleasant to me.

aibu to just say no?

OP I think this isn't great on a number of counts. You sound maybe a little churlish?
It's another country, an adventure!
Couldn't you start with a private conversation with DP about what this might involve? Definitely not in front of any DC.
No pool is a shame but it depends on what other adventures are to be had locally. Can DP take DC while you are working?
Are there festivities and markets and events for DC or does everything shut for Christmas and it's all about family? if so, that's a bit hard on DC,
I'm a lifelong pet owner and lover but kennelling pets is just what you have to do and is incidental. It comes with the territory.

Are there other reasons you don't want to go?

Foxblue · 06/10/2024 08:34

Wow, read the comment about the £400 as OP making a point/joke, not a serious ask, but maybe I've really misinterpreted the OP!

ASimpleLampoon · 06/10/2024 08:38

Sounds like a shit deal for you.

A family holiday should be enjoyable for all the family.

your DH has the hump because you're not willing to have a shit time while he has a blast.

Without you he'd have to handle the whining kids himself.

Your compromise was reasonable. Not your fault if he's cutting off his nose to spite his face now.

SallyWD · 06/10/2024 08:40

My in-laws live abroad, and DH often takes the kids to see them without me. I often go, too, but not always. It suits us all as DH and the kids enjoy it, and I enjoy time alone at home.
So I don't think you're at all unreasonable to stay at home while they go. However, I do think you're unreasonable to want the £400! What's all that about? The money is for travel. If you don't want to go, that's fine, but why take the £400? I also wouldn't be discussing it in front of the kids.
So yes, I think you're slightly unreasonable in the way you're approaching it.