To say dh can take kids to Spain without me?

[NaanAnaan]

Dh wants us all to go to Spain for 7 nights at Xmas with his PIL and his child-free sister. I don’t want to.

We would be staying in a large vacation home of family friend, but it will be too cold to swim in their pool (about 17 in the day) so I suspect kids will be disappointed and will whinge. And I have only a handful of days off work so I would have to work some days while we are there from 8am to 5.30pm.

It will cost £1600 for our travel to the airport, flights, and kennelling our pets for a week.

I told dh amiably that I don’t really want to go but so the in-laws aren’t disappointed he would be welcome to take the kids and I’ll have the £400 to spend on myself, thanks!

My teen dd then chimed in, “actually can I stay home with mum and have the £400 too?”

At which point dh lost the plot and yelled at us both “fine we won’t go then!” and was quite unpleasant to me.

aibu to just say no?

It's a group holiday, thought up by her PIL and childfree SIL. Posters seem to think that they live out there and they don't get to see them.
@DoloresDelEriba but would you board your dog. On the one day off work, spend it flying out. Then have to sit in working from the accommodation. Not be able to see your family/friends. Not have the usual food/drink/television etc over Christmas, when you were an age to have children at home?
Most teens wouldn't want to not see their friends and have proper downtime at home over Christmas. I think that the teen should have been asked for input. It's their Christmas too.

It sounds like working would be quite difficult if everyone is expected to be a big family group, or your kids are bored and having a go at you!

@Nameftgigb the PILs don't live out there, they have decided with their childfree DD to go on holiday gor a week over Christmas and want their Son and his family to go with them. If the PILs only get to see one of their adult children over Christmas it's because they've decided to go on holiday.

What a lost opportunity OP! You should be encouraging your DC to be adventurous and support them to experience different cultures and ways of doing things.

instead you are teaching them to value 400 quid over travel.

I wonder if they will look back as adults and question your choices somewhat….

Its not unreasonable to say no , but you didn't just say no. You chose to say it in a way that made it sound like you were very happy to spend Christmas on your own instead of with your family in return for £400. Your DC then decided £400 was better than seeing Dad siblings and GPS at Xmas. I would be feeling pretty pissed off if I was DH, not because you didn't want to go but the fact you are seemingly very happy to spend Xmas alone.

Unless there’s a massive back story such as you don’t get on with PILs or you can’t afford the flights and he wants to get you into debt then I think you are being a bit unreasonable. It sounds like it’s a whole week’s free accommodation in Spain, to get to spend family time. There are loads of things to do in Spain over Christmas, it’s not just about pools and water parks.

I also think if the post was about someone’s DH wanting to spend Christmas at home alone the responses would be very different.

I have been to Spain many times in winter \ early spring in all weathers, having Spanish grandparents, but I'm not a teenager with expectations of Sun and sand. I recently spent a few days in a rainy city checking out the museum s restaurants etc and enjoyed the break thoroughly, but most people I know would have hated it.

It was a very cheap break too! OP knows what she likes and knows her child? Why should all three go and only one enjoy it?

Presumably DH brought it up in front of the teen, but neither teen or wife allowed an opinion!?!

Does he often try to railroad you into doing things that only really suit him and his family? Do you have family you'd like to see over Christmas?

I think if you read the post correctly OP states she brought my it up.

So Not sure why you think the DH is at fault there?

OP also stated she wanted £400 for herself, encouraging her DC to ask for the same. The apple hasn’t fallen far from the tree here.

Nothing wrong not wanting to go, but the way she’s done it and wanting £400 as she’s not going, is entitled and unkind.

I wonder if OP often demands money when she doesn’t want to go to an event.

Shall we go out to dinner tonight, no, but I’ll have the £50 instead.

YANBU

You still have to work but in a different location and you don’t want to spend the money on top of Christmas gifts.

I took your £400 comment as that is how much it cost for you to go and you rather not spend the money to go when you’ll be working and likely end up doing most of the parenting. I think it would be a bit different if you weren’t all staying together because your DH could take the kids out to his family while you work vs having to have others about while you are trying to work and likely being interrupted.

People make too much of a big deal out of Christmas as if there isn’t other times in the year to spend with people.

What about seeing family? Spending time with grandparents?
everything isn’t always black and white. I am
from a boring place abroad, sometimes it’s very hot and sometimes too cold to do nice things. My DH does not constantly winge he has to go there and spend time there. I know it’s not always exciting there but it’s also family time for me and the kids.

Yes exactly this. Plus Op is working some days anyway, her DH and in-laws can entertain the kids. What do you do in England with them when it’s also not pool weather?

Fair question! 😁

While some of your points are valid (having to work and paying for kennels over Christmas), you made yourself look quite unpleasant by saying (in front of your kids) that you'd just stay home and spend the £400 instead.

I'm not surprised your husband is upset with you.

If you didn't want to go, it was a conversation to have with DH in private.

We need more info.

Do ILs live close? How often do you normally see them over Christmas? For how long ?

One of your kids is a teen. How old is the other one?

Who decided location ? Would you go if it was a different location? Only being able to be amused by a pool is strange. What would h be doing all day because the kids doing the same activity would make sense to me.

Are you reluctant to go because of past history or is h likely to do something like get drunk every day with his family and expect you to do the cooking and cleaning ?

Sorry I misunderstood, I thought PILs live in Spain. YANBU for not wanting to go, demanding £400 and involving your teen was a bit mean and unnecessary. You are also quite negative about a nice place that will still be tons warmer than England immediately saying the kids will whinge. Sounds like you are not keen to spend Christmad together.

Not unreasonable to not want to go but incredibly petty to ask for cash instead (unless you were joking).

In England we have a huge variety of activities to do in inclement weather they simply do not exist in Spain. The teens will have their own friends, lives and socials here. They won’t be away from home.

Christmas events in the uk are huge and varied in comparison. Spanish festivities are limited to largely religious ceremonies and family gatherings and celebrations. It is completely different.

I have to say the U.K. at Christmas is one of the best experiences. It’s one of the things we do well! London, Edinburgh, Bath, Cotswolds are flooded with tourists for that reason. I think op will be much happier at home.

YANBU not to want to go.

YANBU to suggest he takes the DC if he and they want to go.

YABU having this convo in front of DC.

The monetisation of your Christmas arrangements is odd.

Seriously you are saying that two kids/teenagers can’t entertain themselves without a pool or their friends for SEVEN days? They will be with at least 4 family members.
christ alive

i doubt if they stay in the Uk that they are dying to go to the Cotswolds or Bath.

Bit of a jump. Personally I would stay with ILs over my mum.

YANBU about not wanting to go but YABU in the way you went about it.

The bath Christmas markets are great fun for teens with ice skating! It’s very Christmassy!

Do you actually have teens???

The idea that they should content themselves with three relatives they hardly see for SEVEN days over Christmas is laughable. Op is predicting arguments and boredom, and I suspect that is exactly what it will be like. These places are summer destinations for a reason. There is very little to do otherwise.

It is cold, it can be wet, and all of the usual attractions and activities may well be closed. Op is right to have her reservations in my view ( mother of teens)

Not the point but is 17 degrees really too cold to swim? That’s positively balmy in much of the UK 😂 Perhaps the pool will be drained for winter though.

Conflicted about this as DH wants us to travel “home” for Xmas but he really means to his family. I’ve said I don’t want to as i don’t enjoy being torn between 3 different non-adjacent parental locations (and tbh I’ve had enough of his family xmases, nice as his family all are) - I would rather stay home and not have to put the cats in a cattery and keep options open if older DD decides to come home from uni or perhaps pop over to see her. But he and DS are welcome to go across. Need to consider if I am being unreasonable, as DH probably does have some romantic notion about being together on Cmas Day but I’m not bothered now that kids are older teens..

I don’t think you are BU to stay home except in the way you’ve framed this in front of the kids and the attitude about the money.