To say dh can take kids to Spain without me?

[NaanAnaan]

Dh wants us all to go to Spain for 7 nights at Xmas with his PIL and his child-free sister. I don’t want to.

We would be staying in a large vacation home of family friend, but it will be too cold to swim in their pool (about 17 in the day) so I suspect kids will be disappointed and will whinge. And I have only a handful of days off work so I would have to work some days while we are there from 8am to 5.30pm.

It will cost £1600 for our travel to the airport, flights, and kennelling our pets for a week.

I told dh amiably that I don’t really want to go but so the in-laws aren’t disappointed he would be welcome to take the kids and I’ll have the £400 to spend on myself, thanks!

My teen dd then chimed in, “actually can I stay home with mum and have the £400 too?”

At which point dh lost the plot and yelled at us both “fine we won’t go then!” and was quite unpleasant to me.

aibu to just say no?

That would explain how they know things for sure that haven't been mentioned by OP in their one post before never coming back

You are massively projecting on here. It doesn’t say in the op that it’s her dps ‘home country’ just that it is a friends vacation house that they will be staying in.

Most of these houses simply have a warm air facility on the air con units ( at best) and it doesn’t actually warm up the house. It’s very cold in December at times.

I agree it wasn’t ideal speaking about the money in front of the teen dc, but I’m not sure why they would want to go in the first place in the middle of winter.

A week with my pil and I’d be at the absolute end of my tether. It’s quite a chunk of time, plus the OP will have to work. I’d not want to go either.

Fine not to want to go but sometimes these things are not about wanting to do them but recognizing the value to of your partner.

It was either foolish or manipulative to have that conversation about not going in front of the children. I also think the attitude of your daughter is rude and entitled. For that reason alone, I would be going and backing my partner up in front of his daughter.

Why would the partners values matter more than ops?

If this were a family holiday, I would agree with you OP. But this is him wanting you guys to spend Christmas with his parents. If they flew to the U.K. for Christmas, there’d be no pool, it would be much colder….

It’s for Christmas, it’s not meant to be a holiday in the Sun.

So think your approach to this is unreasonable.

I said sometimes, not every time. It's about balance and being in a relationship where both people "sometimes" get to do what they want. I think that makes for two happier people in a relationship.

Because OP has showed poor values, by asking for a reward of £400 for not going. When she doesn’t want to go.

Keep digging though!

Honestly this thread is ridiculous! Op can choose how she spends her own money and time.

where does it say it’s “her” money, but you’re right she wants to spend it on herself….

Have you conceded now that it wasn’t a hilariously s joke with all the lolsssss?

Being party of a family, sometimes means compromise though!

Would you not agree? The title indicates she wants to send her DH off with the children, then she says they don’t want to go?

I think you are way too invested in forcing op to do something she doesn’t want to. I am out.

Hi OP
Flouncing again?

No one is trying to force anyone to do anything. Pointing out how badly OP (you) behaved and saying sometimes we have to suck it up for family isn't forcing anything

The irony!

So funny!

Bye bye! Enjoy Christmas, whatever you decide to do….

I am sorry I wasn’t back before now - but catching up on all the replies has been fun!

So to clear a few things up:

DH did catch me by surprise. DH probably didn’t expect me to “answer back” as usually I’m diplomatic (read: walking on eggshells).

Spain would not be an adventure. You’ll just have to take my word for it. Teen dd doesn’t enjoy old buildings and a nice view is wasted on her. Those who said she could swim at 17 degrees/take a wetsuit - yes you are right, she would like that. I realise I was projecting my own horror at the idea.

The £400 comment I can now see was an unwise and provocative blurt. For future reference, does it make it okay if I think it but don’t say it? 😂

I definitely shouldn’t have said it, bad parenting form. Both teen dd and I have a very dry sense of humour. I would not actually expect to “cash in” a holiday offer! I think teen dd would though.

Reading the replies on here … I have apologised to dh. To those who spotted our marriage is in poor shape, well done. You are correct.

I’m not a grasping materialist, actually quite the opposite. So on reflection, the £400 comment would have sounded to dh like “I’d rather cut my own arm off than go on that holiday.”

Back story: I do like DH’s family. My only UK blood relatives are my kids, although I have one blood relative living overseas. We summer-holiday amicably with dh’s family every other year and I have often hosted Christmas and always happy to do so.

DH hates hosting Christmas because of the effort involved and the house being “messy” with decorations. He lets me have it (read: he can’t stop me putting a tree up as the kids would be crushed if he said no). His family don’t “care” about Christmas; it’s a few days off work and a nice Xmas meal especially if you can persuade someone else to cook it for you!

I guess dh was thinking it will be easier to be away so no pressure to cook Xmas lunch or decorate a tree or do presents and other adults can help entertaining the kids. He’s 100% right but … I just want to stay at home. I think actually, it is still grief driving me - clinging to treasured memories of traditional Christmas from my youth.

That all makes perfect sense to any reasonable person op. I felt your cash comment was said lightly and not meant in any way.

I sincerely hope you can create a traditional lovely Christmas for your family this year, I know it can stir up lots of emotions - hence your blurt op, be kind and compassionate with yourself. It sounds like there is a big back story, just to say many of us support your decision, would do the same and do not perceive you as materialistic!

Sending hugs

This is ridiculous. I sm NOT op!! I am a completely different poster, feel free to check 🙄

I think don't go if you don't want to but expecting £400 is a but tacky. As is speaking about it in front of the kids. If my OH did this to me I'd be appalled. Sorry OP you are wrong.
I'm sure being with family at Christmas is more than just having a pool to swim in. There are probably lots of things to do. Expecting £400 each for you and your teen seems mean and petulant.

Also I hate that you refer to your sil as childless. You say nothing else about her that is the some being of her existence.

Oh well I’m glad you apologised, I hope you also spoke to your teen and told them you were wrong to try and make a monetary transaction to get the money to spend on yourself. That’s not how families work, each taking a percentage of the holiday money to spend on themselves.

Hopefully, he’ll go, the children will go and all have fun. You of course can stay home without the £400. He had good reason to do this, as he doesn’t like the same things you do and Christmas and wanted a change, not unreasonable at all.

If your marriage is in poor shape, this won’t have helped.

Hopefully he has accepted your apology.

But you are over invested?

Good that OP had the decency to apologise, for her “light heated joke, in a marriage in a poor state”?

Why are you still doing this? Honestly, just take your boots off and have a nice cup of camomile or something.

The irony…. Again!

Maybe @Savingthehedgehogs should join me… ?