To say dh can take kids to Spain without me?

[NaanAnaan]

Dh wants us all to go to Spain for 7 nights at Xmas with his PIL and his child-free sister. I don’t want to.

We would be staying in a large vacation home of family friend, but it will be too cold to swim in their pool (about 17 in the day) so I suspect kids will be disappointed and will whinge. And I have only a handful of days off work so I would have to work some days while we are there from 8am to 5.30pm.

It will cost £1600 for our travel to the airport, flights, and kennelling our pets for a week.

I told dh amiably that I don’t really want to go but so the in-laws aren’t disappointed he would be welcome to take the kids and I’ll have the £400 to spend on myself, thanks!

My teen dd then chimed in, “actually can I stay home with mum and have the £400 too?”

At which point dh lost the plot and yelled at us both “fine we won’t go then!” and was quite unpleasant to me.

aibu to just say no?

Op won't come back now she's had her arse handed to her.

You knew exactly what you were doing OP.

Going away at Christmas sounds lovely. Even nicer to a family friend's home. You decided to do that to prove a point and if I was your husband I'd be going, without any of you.

Many of us agree with her actually!

You have valid reasons not to go so are not being unreasonable, but you were being unreasonable to bring it up in front of your children and ask for the £400! This was
adult conversation and should have been discussed when the children were in bed, sensibly.

17 degrees is not cold.
no I don’t have teens but I find it laughable that kids are whingy if the pool is too cold and there is nothing else they can possibly do anyway. They are there with dad when mum works, surely they can do trips and activities together. But sounds like they are entitled like mum (demanding money for not going)

quite a stretch to say going to Spain at Christmas is miserable unless you can use the pool.

Only the fellow manipulative ones.

@HoppityBun the first 2 reasons that you list are lame reasons.

It will cost £1600 for our travel to the airport, flights, and kennelling our pets for a week.

The cost seems slightly irrelevant tbh because you’re putting it across as it’s a lot of money but you not going wouldn’t save the money because you’ve said you’d have £400 to spend on yourself. You’ve got your reasons why you don’t want to go but they don’t seem enough to spend Christmas as a family separately. The £1600 would be being spent either way from the plans you had, the kids you tell them beforehand the pool will be to cold to swim in, the holiday is for 7 nights you say you only have a handful of holiday days so will have to work a couple(?) of days. All sounds doable tbh… is it that you just don’t want to go? What was said to the child when they suggested getting £400 for not going, did you shut that idea down?

You realise some people actually live in Spain all year round - it’s a country not a holiday park for British tourists?!

If that were my family even if there wasn’t a lot to do we would amuse ourselves with movies, board games, cooking nice food etc.

To me a holiday is about getting away and forgetting about work. To be working a few days there would be awful.

I wouldn’t go and think you’re certainly not unreasonable to stay home.

Not unreasonable to not want to go but shouldn't have mentioned the money.

OP I’m baffled by the responses you’ve had. I’m beginning to think if a poster takes a strong position on something, she will be shot down in flames by some posters even if that means saying the exact opposite to what they would say to a woman who was less confident.

I’ve read countless posts saying if the DH wants the family to holiday with his parents and the wife didn’t want to go then he should take the children without her.

Similarly, if a husband is taking a holiday without his wife, the wife should have the same opportunity. That’s got to include the £, so why shouldn’t you have the £400.

I don’t think your 14 year old should be given £400. She doesn’t contribute to family expenses / holidays. But I am surprised that she has been called a brat for deciding she also would prefer to stay at home. If children of that age can choose which parent they live with when parents divorce, why shouldn’t they choose not to go on a holiday and stay home with their mum.

That holiday is likely to be very disappointing and boring for the children. Most resorts have little to offer off season, especially for children. If they can’t even swim, they will just be travelling a long way to do exactly what they would’ve been doing at home.

I can’t even see the attraction for the adults. Winter sun is nice but why go at Christmas unless you want to avoid it, which I assume they don’t as they are taking the kids. Have they got all the stuff needed for Christmas out there? Or will it be half arsed and not as Christmassy for the children as it would be at home?

Stay home and if your youngest wants to go she can go with DH. You’re not telling him he can’t go. Why is him wanting you to go more important than you not wanting to?

I think context it's important.

Do you spend every Christmas with your side of the family and you're throwing a strop about seeing his?
Or do you go away with his every year and you're fed up of it being dictated by them all the time?

I imagine the actual situation is somewhere in the middle but probably still relevant.

Either way I think raising the "I'll keep my £400" in front of a teenager was a bit manipulative. If this holiday is actually over Christmas Day I assume you don't actually want to be apart from your children and husband? So it does look like maybe you engineered it so that your child wouldn't want to go either.

@Savingthehedgehogs you're acting as though Spain is some kind of holiday theme park for Brits and that there couldn't possibly be anything enjoyable to do there outside of tourist season

She’s a brat for asking for £400, which is more an incentive than wanting to be home, I’m sure.

but it’s not hard to see why she acts like that!

You are being deliberately obtuse.

I lived there for many years, and I know without lots of friends and an established social and cultural life/hobbies Spain mid winter can be dull. Young locals will tell you that!

It is quiet, often chilly and many attractions are closed. I enjoy history and riding, I had tons of friends and my work so winters were not too bad. Would my teens enjoy it? Probably not. They enjoy iceskating, Christmas films, parties and Christmas events here with their friends. Most teens are happiest with their friends wherever they live. That’s the reality.

@Savingthehedgehogs not obtuse at all - you're the one who seems to be forgetting that they're not really going to be "tourists" - they're going as a family to spend time together.

They don't need all the attractions to be open - they'll be doing a few Christmassy things and spending most of their time together at the accommodation or maybe at the beach.

I'm sure the teens would prefer to be at home but you know what? We don't always get what we want 🤷‍♀️

@Savingthehedgehogs we have no idea what part of Spain the holiday home is in. I lived in Spain in my early twenties and I loved it in the winter without the tourists!

With the right frame of mind just being somewhere different can make it exciting for kids, even if the “attractions” are closed.

You shouldn't have said this in front of the kids.
You should decide between the two of you if opting out of family holidays to keep money for personal spending is an option for children or not.

Unless they are in central Barcelona it will be quiet. Op is right to consider how this will impact the holiday. Bored teens are not fun. The money would be better spent at a time of year when they will enjoy it!

My teens enjoy family time, as most do, for about a day! Then they are keen to go out, do some sport, see their friends and be with people their own age. Why not agree to a ‘Christmas’ in July with said family? It will be far more fun and might actually be a proper holiday. I wouldn’t want to spend a week there either. Can you go for 2/3 days as a compromise op?

YABU

You’re putting yourself before your kids and at Xmas they should come first.

I would never not want to be around my kids at Xmas!
I wouldn’t even be thinking about the £400 that I could spend on myself!

If you have genuine concerns about the trip or think an alternative would be better, then you should speak to your DH in private about it and come up with a plan before discussing it with the kids.

No wonder your DH got shitty, you acted very poorly in front of your child.

Shockingly unreasonable on your part, OP.

It's fair enough if you don't want to go, but having that conversation in front of the kids about keeping the £400 to yourself was not acceptable. I think you knew exactly what you were doing when you suggested this.

Are you usually this manipulative and controlling?

But the kids would still be going.

OP said she wanted to stay home alone and DH take the kids without her.

So whether it’s boring for the kids is irrelevant, as them not going wasn’t an option.

I don't blame you for not wanting to go, but think you've been a bit tactless in the way you've expressed it!

Also, are your kids really so spoilt and ungrateful that they would spend a week on holiday with extended family complaining because they couldn't use the pool? Seriously?