Partner’s crazy ex wife.

[UpsetGirlx]

I met my fiancé in 2019. He has one child with his ex wife. He told me from the beginning that his ex wife was unhinged, but I put it down to him using the phrase flippantly, and assumed he had probably done some wrongdoings in their marriage. His friends and family also used to mention how insane she is. I genuinely didn’t take much notice, as how many times as women have we been told about the ‘crazy ex’?

For the first year of dating, everything was fine. However, any time something big happens in our relationship (or any time to be honest) his ex does something nuts.

It first started in March 2020, when my partner and I decided to move in together as we didn’t want to spend lockdown alone. My fiancés ex sent him a huge rambling email, probably over 2000 words long, accusing him of being unsafe, killing vulnerable people, that we were terrible for breaking lockdown rules. We didn’t do anything to break the rules, other than combine our households. My fiancé obviously couldn’t see his child at this time due to Covid restrictions. Throughout lockdown, we had visits from the police who had been told we were having parties and flouting lockdown rules. We can’t be sure it was his ex wife, but we are pretty certain due to her earlier email, the fact it was all lies and nobody else would have any motivation.

In 2022 my fiance proposed to me, and the day after the proposal, she turned up at our door with my stepson and said that he was living with us from now on. No explanation, just turned up on the doorstep with his bags. This caused huge issues as we had to change our entire lives around to do the school run some half an hour away, take him to all his clubs, his friends houses. We both work full time and didn’t plan for this. Before this, my stepson had been over every weekend, so it was a massive lifestyle change. Eventually, his ex wife agreed that stepson could come and live with her again, and it’s been a 50% arrangement ever since.

In 2023, I got a promotion at work. I’m not sure how she found out (maybe LinkedIn, is all I can think?) but a couple of weeks later we had a fraudulent claim made against us via the CMS. She claimed that we never had stepson overnight and we became liable for massive payments which took months and a court order to eventually sort out. In the meantime, we were down thousands and have no way to get the money back, even though it was clear fraud.

Yesterday I announced my pregnancy, and today she has sent my fiancé a long email saying she is going to be reporting us to stepsons school and social services as she doesn’t think we are fit parents, this is despite her up until this point being happy for us to have stepson 50% of the time. We are good people, stepson loves his time here, this is just another attempt to disrupt our lives.

These are all the big things, intermingled in all of this is lots of crazy phone calls, texts, emails. I’m at my wits end. It’s causing huge arguments between me and my fiancé and I’ve reached the point of just wanting to leave and go it alone. I can’t cope with the near constant disruption and living on edge not knowing what she’s going to do next. I feel idiotic as I was warned from the beginning that she was crazy, but it wasn’t until we made major life decisions that she really became a massive disruptor in our lives.

I suppose we don't know as the harpies have successfully bullied the OP out of the thread, but there could be any number of explanations- including that the kid missed his mum.

@justasking111
*
Friends ex was a seesaw depending on how much she had drunk that day. It was awful for the four children, who eventually abandoned her as adults.*

It Is sad isn't it.
Dh ex ( who I mostly got on with ) is the same.
Of her 3 children- one born from another marriage - she has only the very briefest contact with one child only. - birthday/ Christmas.

He didn't. Read again, they went to 50/50 custody at that point. And he likely did that because she's the child's mother who he had primarily lived with his entire life and allowing her to completely abandon him would in itself be incredibly harmful. It's the same reason courts prioritize keeping both parents in the child's life unless that's clearly outweighed by abuse.

There wasn't a good option here.

This

The perpetual excuses made for deadbeat fathers never cease to amaze me. I'll never understand why some women set their bar so low.

Sorry, you think the "deadbeat" here is the parent who agreed to forego weekend visits for 3 months during lockdown, at the request of the child's mother?

The same dad who had sole custody of the child when his mother abandoned him?

I think you need to report this to the police as harassment. Also if she is blocked on all your social media she won't be able to find out about your life updates and react

Take the evidence of malicious reporting to social services straight to the police.

I know not the point in this thread and she does sound nuts but there is no way wild horses or a rule could drag my husband away from our son, so it's extremely odd he didn't see him in Covid, could have done it in the safest way possible . I also feel really sad that she dropped him off with all his bags to live in a new house and no one really wanted him with them. He must have felt so sad and unwanted 😔

Yes who didn't see his child for months when he was perfectly able to as everybody and their granny knew it was allowed but he never bothered to check. Wild horses wouldn't have stopped me seeing my child and judging by the responses most people feel the same.

Previously seeing him at weekends only as disney dads often do leaving the ex to do all the weekly donkey work such as school runs.

Persuading the ex who he claims is unhinged and crazy to take the child back 50/50. Who the hell sends a child back to be with someone they think is crazy? Because it suited him to put his needs before that of his child.

I'm not defending the actions of the mother. The poor kid clearly has 2 shit parents.

I'm not defending the actions of the mother

Good, because there’s no defence for her. Vile.

At some point you have to ask yourself why you’re still in this relationship. It’s easy to blame the ex wife but you have made the decision to be a part of this mess for years now. Whether you admit it or not, a part of you must like the drama. Maybe it pushes you and your partner together. People who don’t like drama would have extricated themselves years ago.

Oh bollocks I know loads of moms who didn't let their children go to fathers as they didn't know what father would do or who seeing.

Yep, same.

Cms don't have the power to do this.

The don't have the means to see your partners income.

What is more, they don't have the will. They're barely able to collect money from 1 parent.

My God. What a bizarre thread.

An extremely stressed pregnant woman posts for advice on how to reduce the stress perpetrated by her DPs ex and all 80% of that so called support is an obsessive focus on her partners relationship with his son FOUR years ago ! The reason for which OP has already clearly explained.

The mum DIDNT WANT the child to move between households. Because of her regular contact with elderly relative. This is completely understandable. I would have agreed to this arrangement if my Ex DH had regular contact with his 80 year old mother. It is completely logical.

What is NOT logical is the constant harassment of the OP and her partner.

Dropping a child off to live with his father without warning IS unhinged and unacceptable behaviour, designed for one reason and one reason only - to disrupt OP & her DPs life. With no thought given to the child .

Before the MN sisterhood start braying that 'it's his child of course he should be happy with that' I would say that no it isn't. In the real world - in order to earn sufficient money to keep 2 households (he pays the ex mortgage on top of CMS) he needs to work full time. They had agreed contact at weekends to enable him to do this. To spring a child on him and expect him to still pay her bills without notice is again bonkers behaviour and illogical.

I do not see this father as anything else than involved and decent. Saw him weekends by agreement with ex . Then child moved in when forced on to him - but the OP and DP adapted to their new lifestyle pretty rapidly - and then quite rightly agreed to 50/50 as this is the right decision for the child.

But no. The rabid misandrists on this board are DESPERATE to find guilt with a man and excuse appalling behaviour from a woman - no matter what she has done. I'm sorry folks but sometimes women are mean, nasty, cruel and highly manipulative. Just as some men are.

OP . What you describe is stalking and harassment. I say stalking because the fact she ramps it up after significant life events and I would want to know how she is getting this information from.

. Gather all your evidence, emails, text messages, court hearing documents etc and go to your local police station and ask to see an officer responsible for harassment (this sits within the DV unit in my station but different constabulary's work in different ways.

Do this now. It will only get worse with babies birth.

The treatment you've had from Cms isn't unusual at all. If you have further problems, there is a Facebook group that will help you with the correct process.

You mean the grown man who ‘didn’t know’ the lockdown rules meant he was allowed to see his own son.

OP said more than once he wasn’t aware of this rule, which is absolute BS as everyone knew that rule.

Of course the drip feed then came out about the ex apparently stopping him (this would be one of the first things you mention) but still maintains that DP had absolutely no idea that other people were allowed to see their children during lockdown.
Which is a complete lie.

The mum didn’t abandon the child.
She got him to live with his dad (not abandonment), so the dad would become the residential parent like she had been for years.

Are you saying the ex also ‘abandoned’ his child for years when he was living with his mum and only seeing him weekends?
Which would make him an absolutely awful dad or is it different if the mum is the RP?

Then the ex and OP decided they couldn’t cope with being the RP (and admits that the mum has to fit work around the child and school clubs, whilst they don’t) and eventually got the mum to have him 50/50 (even though it was only weekends when it was the other way around).

Why would you not want to be the RP and be fighting for this if you felt that your child was living with someone unhinged?

Why if you finally became the RP would you be pushing for your ex to have more contact than just weekends, even though you were happy just seeing him weekends yourself?

This poor kid has been massively let down by his dad on more than one occasion, no one can deny that.
If the mum is unhinged then I can’t see why the dad wouldn’t want to give him some stability.

There are some exes who are completely unhinged.

But considering there are so many holes in this story and the majority of things that the ex has apparently done is pure guess work with no actual proof, then it would be unfair for anyone to call the ex unhinged and crazy.

For the first year of dating, everything was fine.

March 2020
sent him a huge rambling email

In 2022
she turned up at our door with my stepson

In 2023
fraudulent claim made against us via the CMS.

Yesterday
sent my fiancé a long email

I’m not dismissing your feelings or what you’ve been through but there have been 4 major instances in the past 4 years that you have been dating.

2 of which were emails, which can be deleted (although I wouldn’t delete) or ignored.
And if I was your DP I wouldn’t have even told you about.

1 time was her bringing the child to his dads, which is a pretty normal thing to happen when you share a child with someone.
Read MN about how many times MNers will advise the OP to get the child to live with the dad if they cannot cope for whatever reason.
I’m not saying it was good for the child but when you have a child or step child, you need to be prepared that they live with you FT.

The CMS claim is annoying but it’s sorted and was easily proven.

I am not excusing her behaviour at all but most of the stuff, apart from the 2 emails, is just guess work and there’s no proof it was her.

Being a step parent is one of the most difficult things you can do, not because of the kids, but because you’ll have that other parent in your life for your entire relationship.

If you are struggling with the above now, how are you going to feel when you have your own child.

Im not sure why you chose to get pregnant knowing there was a ‘crazy’ ex on the scene (most people who thought this round run a mile) but you may find that actually the relationship is just not worth the baggage it comes with.

Do what you can to reduce the amount she knows about your life (make your SM private).

Get your DH to put in boundaries with her but also with how much he tells you.
If she sends a long, rambling email you don’t actually need to know about it, especially when you’re pregnant and stressed already.

And then after the baby is born decide whether the relationship is worth this stress for the next 6+ years.

He's a brilliant dad you say, who had the opportunity to parent his child without this 'crazy' woman's interference and he persuaded her to agree to take him back 50% as you didn't want to change your lives.

I'd go this alone if I were you. Not only did he not bother to look up whether he could see his child during lockdown and take a 'crazy' woman's word for it, he invited her back in to your and your stepson's life for convenience. Parenting without him and all his drama sounds much easier, how did she find out about the engagement so quickly for one thing? It very much sounds like he welcomes and invites the chaos.

For all the posters getting so upset that anyone is daring to question the role of the OP's DH in all of this -- this is AIBU? The point is not to post your question so everyone can give you nonjudgemental support. She could have posted on the stepparents thread for that. The point is people are going to ask some questions and point out some inconsistencies in your side of the story.

Sounds like the truth is somewhere in the middle. Your partner was happy to leave the burden of caring for their child to his ex, who like many single parents probably struggled hugely during the lead up to and during covid. Until the child was dropped on his doorstep and he had to do all the care, he wasn't looking to help her. Then he does 50/50 and is seen as a hero. Bullshit. Her behaviour has been awful. There is no excuse for fake ss referrals, they have too much to do as it is, and regularly fail to help children who do need it, to take their time and attention from genuine cases is disgusting. The only mitigating factor I can see is that you said you believe she has genuine mh problems, in which case your partner should be stepping up, offering to have their kid full time (has he done this?) and acting in the child's best interests. Doesn't sound like he's willing to put himself out though. Probably 'has to work', obviously his ex won't have had to arrange her life around their child though.

He has never gone into details about their relationship, but I’ve had confirmation from pretty much all his friends and family that she’s ‘insane’, so I think she genuinely has some serious mental health conditions.

I mean ultimately your partner was happy for a woman with serious mental health conditions (your words) to raise his child 90% of the time for his own convenience. There's no dressing that up. You chose to partner up with a man who rarely saw his child and had a bad relationship with the child's mother, that was only ever going to go one way.
Posting big news that will likely cause a reaction publicly knowing she will see it also just seems to be inviting drama to me as does opening, reading and repeating her emails. Your DP doesn't seem to be doing much to protect you from the stress of all this.

This whole was he a good parent to his son in lockdown is not the question. His ex made a decision and he honoured it. Lots of people went a bit insane during covid- and made up their own rules for their families especially if they had vulnerable relatives. I personally didn’t buy into any of it, but saw plenty of people do things their own way throughout. Lots of elderly people didn’t see any family during lockdowns, I don’t get the point you are all making, he simply honoured his exes choice and I’m sure it was hard for him, but he maintained contact throughout.

That’s not what the OP is here for. The behaviour of his ex is nasty and unhinged, any good news he has, has nothing to do with her at all, and if she has nothing nice to say she should remain silent. She should focus on building her own life. Dropping her son off like that was nothing short of abusive, she is using her child as a pawn in her games. It’s clear during covid she was punishing him for moving his relationship a step forward. Him honouring her wishes because she said it was about covid, doesn’t make him the bad guy.

For those who think her behaviour isn’t bad, take a look at your own lives, her behaviour is stalkerish. No way would I infringe upon my exes life in this way, and I want only the best for him and his partner. Anything I can make easy for them, I will, and they do the same for me. We share a child and childcare, and that’s it. I wouldn’t ever comment on anything to do with them, apart from for example, when they moved in together I got them a housewarming gift, which was just signed as from my child, or on birthdays I make sure my child gets his partner a card, just signed from my child, There is a mutual respect there, and if I meet someone special I’d like to think it would be the same from their side.

unfortunately they share a child, and she is using that to make your lives miserable. Not too long before he is grown up, but please you need this on police record before she does something even crazier. Especially if she is getting social services involved in your life. They will do an assessment, and it will help if you have actually reported some of these harassing behaviours to the police.

Sounds like the truth is somewhere in the middle. Your partner was happy to leave the burden of caring for their child to his ex, who like many single parents probably struggled hugely during the lead up to and during covid.

Did you miss the part where it was the ex who didn’t want their DC to come over? Single parents didn’t have it any worse than anyone else, it’s no excuse for her behaviour. So many apologists for single mums/mums in general on this thread. As if they’re saints and any wrongdoing must really be when they hit their limit as a result of their very, very, very unreasonable ex.

Op should be allowed to post good news if she wants; it’s nothing to do with the ex. She does not have to consider the ex’s mental health, adults are responsible for themselves. If she’s jealous, she’s jealous, that’s not for OP to mitigate her life to pander to the ex.

Ex’s like this are utterly, utterly pathetic. Move on.

OP - grey rock her, she is not worth your time. She wants to cause issues as you’re happy - don’t give her the satisfaction. Ignore.

I think that this may need to be the next step