Partner’s crazy ex wife.

[UpsetGirlx]

I met my fiancé in 2019. He has one child with his ex wife. He told me from the beginning that his ex wife was unhinged, but I put it down to him using the phrase flippantly, and assumed he had probably done some wrongdoings in their marriage. His friends and family also used to mention how insane she is. I genuinely didn’t take much notice, as how many times as women have we been told about the ‘crazy ex’?

For the first year of dating, everything was fine. However, any time something big happens in our relationship (or any time to be honest) his ex does something nuts.

It first started in March 2020, when my partner and I decided to move in together as we didn’t want to spend lockdown alone. My fiancés ex sent him a huge rambling email, probably over 2000 words long, accusing him of being unsafe, killing vulnerable people, that we were terrible for breaking lockdown rules. We didn’t do anything to break the rules, other than combine our households. My fiancé obviously couldn’t see his child at this time due to Covid restrictions. Throughout lockdown, we had visits from the police who had been told we were having parties and flouting lockdown rules. We can’t be sure it was his ex wife, but we are pretty certain due to her earlier email, the fact it was all lies and nobody else would have any motivation.

In 2022 my fiance proposed to me, and the day after the proposal, she turned up at our door with my stepson and said that he was living with us from now on. No explanation, just turned up on the doorstep with his bags. This caused huge issues as we had to change our entire lives around to do the school run some half an hour away, take him to all his clubs, his friends houses. We both work full time and didn’t plan for this. Before this, my stepson had been over every weekend, so it was a massive lifestyle change. Eventually, his ex wife agreed that stepson could come and live with her again, and it’s been a 50% arrangement ever since.

In 2023, I got a promotion at work. I’m not sure how she found out (maybe LinkedIn, is all I can think?) but a couple of weeks later we had a fraudulent claim made against us via the CMS. She claimed that we never had stepson overnight and we became liable for massive payments which took months and a court order to eventually sort out. In the meantime, we were down thousands and have no way to get the money back, even though it was clear fraud.

Yesterday I announced my pregnancy, and today she has sent my fiancé a long email saying she is going to be reporting us to stepsons school and social services as she doesn’t think we are fit parents, this is despite her up until this point being happy for us to have stepson 50% of the time. We are good people, stepson loves his time here, this is just another attempt to disrupt our lives.

These are all the big things, intermingled in all of this is lots of crazy phone calls, texts, emails. I’m at my wits end. It’s causing huge arguments between me and my fiancé and I’ve reached the point of just wanting to leave and go it alone. I can’t cope with the near constant disruption and living on edge not knowing what she’s going to do next. I feel idiotic as I was warned from the beginning that she was crazy, but it wasn’t until we made major life decisions that she really became a massive disruptor in our lives.

Wow I have a very similar situation to you.it could read word for word.combining homes in lockdown...the family all saying the same, the back and forth using the kids as a bag dumping them off.the COVID situation what can and cannot be done. I'm mad at people victim shaming you on here .I too have been victim to a narcissistic ex wife. It's improved over the year's I taught my partner to have boundaries with her.bo social media.it ended up quite a few family court visits.only contacting via my family Wizard. I found step mum motivational ladies on Instagram. Alisha akrasho I think one is called she's Been a Life line for me. Currently the ex wife has taken up smoking weed and drinking like a teen-ager.whilst this impacts her 50-50 custody with the kids they are well in teens now. Because of the distraction of her New habits she's infringing on our house less. She tried to come round once to start something..it's never happened again. You can become super strong and equipped in your boundaries. Good luck girl I'm thinking of you.this story is so similar to my own with blended family issues

I hate the word crazy in relation to an ex, surely losing someone who you had perceptions of growing old with, and watching them set up a new house would drive 90% of people irrational?

@UpsetGirlx I’m sorry you’ve had people focus on Covid period which is irrelevant to the behaviour of ex and to your situation now.
Any emails, texts, letters etc should be kept and shown to police to show the harassment your partner has faced. Even if you don’t want criminal proceedings, police can keep a log and perhaps discuss with the ex (I had a friend do this and the police had a conversation with the offending party as a warning without any charges). I would also keep to show to social services in case she does report. But def be proactive in contacting police.

Also COVID was a very difficult time.there we're alot of parents unsure if custody arrangements.your partner sounds a good man don't let the sniper comments bring you down. They don't know what you were going through.alot of children missed out on other parents through the general fear.it was such a strange time we were all doing our best including your partner for your stepson

All those will be logged with the relevant authorities.

I think that family wizard sounds like a good idea for contact.

Gather together all the emails, texts , record phone calls and report her for harassment and false allegations. She's the one that should be reported to social services, leaving her son with you the way she did , that should have been made aware of to social services and the school of his changed address. Once you report her for this and you have evidence it will be officially documented. Maybe organise stepson visting dad through a contact centre so none of you have to deal with eachother and just block her

Sounds like your partner was married to my ex wife!

For what its worth although he was 18 when lockdown came my son and I didnt meet up much during the lockdown period because of Covid, funnily enough we went for some rather nice walk together.

So in addition to reporting the ex to The Police or sending a Solicitors letter I might add that you could make a formal complaint to the CMS about how they treated your partner, in particular they need to make sure that they have made a rational decision based on the information they have in front of them.

Any issues about where your step son lived should have been dealt with via a mandatory Reconsideration/Appeal Tribunal NOT a Child Arrangements Order. I suggest in particular you ask that they refund the costs you had going to court.

Funnily enough a few years after I left her a subsequent girlfriend of mine had a floor fitted by a fitter who lived in the hamlet where my ex wife and I had lived, she had remained there after and my successor had an equally interesting time.

The evening after the fitter had been round I got a call from her, 'You said your ex was a bit nuts not bloody mental' turned out she had assaulted her subsequent partner in the street.

Hang on let's be very clear.

Behaviour during COVID by dad was horrendous.

Alleges the ex was always crazy. So had child with crazy person, left child with crazy person and then icing on top didn't physically connect with child during COVID but knew he was with crazy ex.

Okay anyone really ready to believe that pile of crap?

@UpsetGirlx I am sorry but there's clearly two horrendous parents.

OP has left the thread so the man hating first wives club can STFU now.

Usual suspects out in force getting their jollies by piling more venom on a woman already in distress.

It happens time and time again here.

The ridiculous shapes people bend themselves into to apportion blame would be hilarious if they weren't intended to cause hurt.

What is the matter with some of you? Are you this vile in real life?

Not part of any club. But I am very worried that people's critical analysis skills are so low

I feel desperately sorry for you and for your poor stepson who is caught in the middle.

In your place, I would try to go it alone if I could afford it, it may not be forever.

There must be some way of sorting out this awful business.

You only have 4 years of your DP needing to speak to her ever again! Once he is 16 years old I don’t see any reason to talk or email. Just block her.

i would just leave it and ask your DP not to tell you about these email. I think there a new law about malicious social services call outs.

if it continues then get legal advice on case for harassment

I know most of mumsnet likes to believe that “my ex is crazy” is just part of a script and nonsense, but sometimes it’s true.

amazing how many posters will twist and turn to avoid blaming a woman who’s clearly at fault and find a reason it must be the man’s fault…

Vexatious litigants are individuals who persistently take legal action against others in cases without any merit, who are forbidden from starting civil cases in courts without permission.
Vexatious litigants - GOV.UK (www.gov.uk)

This. She is jealous. Her ex has moved on with a new life and baby on the way. She is very bitter about how things have turned out. Were you the OW?

I’m sorry that other posters have been so nasty. Horrible situation for you. Maybe just cut right back on any information you post on social media and I hope she backs right off.

You could, that's what me and my ex did. We rotated every 2 weeks. I do understand her not wanted the child being exposed to anything if she was visiting an elderly relative though (I'm not on her side at all with anything else!)

Did you take in the fact that ex wasn't allowing her son to see his dad during Covid as she was visiting an elderly relative?

OP, I'm sorry for the influx of harpies you experienced here. This thread was certainly not the best of MN and I don't blame you for leaving.

On the off chance you read this, my advice is to have an honest talk with your fiance and tell him that tackling this issue head-on is necessary for you to remain in the relationship. He can't remove the mother of his child from his life entirely, but her behavior is harmful for your family and it's escalating not abating, so it's time to do more than just try to weather it. I don't care whether the ex was angry at him for a valid reason, a primary parent packing up a young child's belongings and dumping them on the doorstep suddenly with "he lives here now" is actually child abuse.

Your partner needs to find an attorney with family law expertise immediately and get their advice. Discuss speaking with the police or other legal action and working directly with social services to protect your family (stepson included).

I'm a stepmother and love that role, but blended families are complex at the best of times and I very much took into account the co-parenting relationship of my now DH and his ex when investing in and committing to the relationship. I was on particular alert for issues because my own mother was absolutely the crazy ex/mother and it was the source of major trauma.

Op this sounds an absolute nightmare. It is hard enough being a stepparent and dealing with an OH's ex (my DH's ex is not a difficult person at all, but I find dealing with her in any way annoying and it has caused arguments). I genuinely in your shoes would end things if your fiance cannot find a way to have her bullshit not affect you, or affect you as little as possible. She should not really feature in your life other than very occasionally at shared occasions with your stepchild. I have minimal interaction with my stepchild's mother, like if I once in a blue moon do drop off we are civil, at the stepchild's school christmas concert, birthday parties etc. Day to day that's my husband's stuff to deal with, and he keeps it about the child. If your fiance cannot do this, I don't see how you can even contemplate continuing. You don't need to be involved in this circus.

So sorry you’re going through this. Don’t let it ruin a good relationship with a man you want to spend your life with though. You will hopefully have 40-50 years together and a family ahead of you and you just need to get through the next few years until you can have a relationship with your stepson independent of his mother. Then anything she does like this you can report as harassment.

A man in my family experienced similar behaviour by his ex and mother of first child. It was horrific. Lies about child abuse, even getting thugs to do things to their house. And they’re genuinely just a normal middle class family with no drama in their lives. Him and his new partner have been together 25 years now and I think they would tell you it was worth it not letting that woman ruin what they have.

Also don’t know why people are super focused on the lockdown thing. Considering the poison the woman is likely saying to her son about your partner alongside the other lies / chaos it’s a testament to your partner as a father that he’s maintained a positive relationship with his child. I know from our family’s experience how difficult that is when one parent makes no secret of their hatred for the other.

@UpsetGirlx I also dealt with a very difficult ex for years and I'm afraid she won;t change. It's always he kids who suffer, but equally it is so stressful for the adults, especially when you did not choose this person to be involved in your life.

I hope you manage to make it work, bu you may need to consider if you can cope with this at least until he's 18

Nobody in that situation that I knew stepped back and didn't see their child. I call bullshit.

Better to deal with an actual crazy ex than what you thought you were getting into, a relationship with a man who behaved badly and then made out his ex was unhinged.

It's bizarre that you believed that but then got into a relationship with him anyway.

Report all her behaviour to the police so it’s on record. To the individual who said he chose her over his own child and it “was only one email”, if they decided to live together, they were now part of each others “bubble” and it shouldn’t have stopped the son coming to their home. She’s unhinged and stalkerish, and causes issues when something big happens. The problem if she reports you to social services is that they will investigate, they always do, and it’s stressful, she knows this and she knows the worries you will experience over that, being pregnant. Please don’t ditch your partner as this is not his wrongdoing. If I were you I’d start with making your social media private, how does she know everything that’s going on in your life, is it through her son, or have you not privatised your info? Just get everything down on record so nothing she says will stick.