Raised voice at wife and am now in the dog house

[Nastynigel]

We were going shopping and my wife wanted to go one route but that would have taken longer, so we turned right instead of left.
My wife alleges I shouted at he when she suggested we turn left. I didn’t, although I did raise my voice to tell her she was wrong because her route would have taken longer.

I realised instantly I had made a mistake. We ended up cutting our shopping trip short, and she is now upstairs, crying and speaking to me

I’ve apologised but I’m being accused of shouting at her each week, although she cannot give me specific examples.

I was just annoyed at the kids fighting and her telling me what route I should take.
Advice? We seem to have a falling out every few weeks and it’s tiring for me and her.

Stop raising your voice at her then, and the arguments/ fall outs will stop. Assuming she isn't mentally ill

Whoever drives dictates the route.

Have you asked her what's wrong OP, like a proper heart to heart? Like listen

🎣

There's obviously a lot more going on as she seems very upset. Instead of interrogating her for examples, perhaps wait until she's recovered then have a chat about what's going on. Be prepared to really listen and make changes if necessary.

Apologise

Are you a man? Because having had a male colleague raise his voice to me and another female team member recently, it is horrible. Male aggression is. If she's crying, that may be where she's at.

Busy lives and raising children can lead to bickering and exhaustion. You both need to be open to hearing each other's perspectives, acknowledging feelings, and changing behaviors such as shouting, because it is simply unacceptable.

Yes. Those of us who grew up around male aggression do not want to be around it in adulthood, particularly from someone who is supposed to be a safe and loving partner.

I think it may be less the volume and more the tone. Instead of saying you would be going right as you think it may take less time, you told her she was wrong. Do you tell her she is wrong a lot? Do you make her feel small or belittled?

Apologising doesn’t really help if the same thing keeps happening. You need to explain to her how you’re going to try to work on this, and actually try.

This is why I ask people who "raise their voices" at me rather than shouting to wait their turn rather than getting louder to try to shut me up. It saves a lot of semantic debate.

It doesn’t matter if you think you are right if she is driving she gets to decide and you should never raise your voice at someone who is driving, it is dangerous and distracting. Honestly telling someone what to do when they are driving is being a back seat driver and a bit controlling.

Sometimes I go certain ways even though they are technically a minute or two longer because I prefer driving on those roads - I hate going through the centre of a city for example because the number of potential jay walkers and traffic lights even though it is geographically shorter than going around the city. When I drive it is my choice.

Totally agree with this.

She is still very, very upset, said I have ruined her weekend and she wishes she had somewhere else to go.

I apologised again but she wasn’t interested.
I’ve moved downstairs for now.

Should have made the post clearer: I (the husband) was driving. She (my wife) wanted to go another route.
I raised my voice because she was her telling me which route I should take. I shouldn’t have

Seems like an excessive response if you just “raised your voice”. But if you shouted or appeared aggressive/belittling, maybe she starts to associate you with previous trauma. Just talk to one another and find out what the real problem is. Are you shouting? If so, stop it. Are you belittling her or being condescending? Then stop doing it? If she is reacting to rationale disagreements in an extreme way, find out why by discussing it sensibly.

I won't lie and pretend I have never raised my voice at DH. Is this a one off? Her crying so much suggests deeper issues. You have apologised. For now let me be and let her come down. Then schedule a time when you are both a bit rested and kids aren't there to talk. Not necessarily about this specific issue but about communications, feelings, exhaustion, couplehood etc. Meanwhile spend time with yourself reflecting on how you communicate. Dont be defensive. Open yourself up to yourself. Put yourself in her shoes. Also think about whether she is exhausted and overwhelmed and how you can ease that for her. And perhaps for you. My kids hardly sleep. Its bee. Six years of inadequate sleep for me with the last 4 being the worst. And when they are not listening to me or bickering my fuse shorts sometimes. My shoutometer as I call it rises and rises. Am not proud of it but am a flawed human and sometimes I raise my voice or get cranky. Good luck op

You can either be right or be married.

I'm not sure I understand why you raised your voice at her. If you don't want to take her suggestion about the route then don't. You don't need to raise your voice, especially not in front of the children. It shows disrespect, but you seem to think she disrespected you for having an opinion about the route. Someone else's opinions about a route is not an issue to get angry about!

Do you often raise your voice to gain control in your relationship? If yes, I can see why she is upset.

As another person has mentioned, male aggression can be horrible for women, especially if there is a history there.

Sounds like her tolerance is on the wane. Tolerance is all that keeps couples together. Once hers runs out every little thing pisses her off.

You had no right to shout at her, and if this is happening regularly then she is no doubt feeling abused.

You need to stop shouting. An apology is hollow unless you change your behaviour.

I think I would probably cry if DH shouted at me in order to win a disagreement. It's just so necessary and shows a lack of care. If I suggest a different route he would simply go with whatever he thought best and explain to me why, not shout me down. Simply apologising wouldn't wipe it away.

*unnecessary

How about letting it play out something like this in your mind:

"My, DWife is crying upstairs... She must really be feeling desperately upset ‐I know how bad I feel when I'm so sad I'm actually crying.

She said I shouted at her. Oh dear, that really wasn't my intention. But she said I do it most weeks ‐gosh, maybe my filter is out of whack, and I'm coming across a lot more forcefully than I think? I clearly can't tell, so I'm going to take her word for it; after all, I'm male, bigger and stronger than her, so maybe she feels intimidated? A raised voice does signal aggression, I suppose. Oh no, I wonder if that's how the kids perceive me too? Damn, I think I might just have been a bit self-indulgent and let my frustration run away with me in the moment. I really ought not to do that -her reaction tonight tells me everything I need to know, really: I come on too strong and must rein myself in before I mess this up completely. I'm not going to do it again, to DWife or the DC. Poor them. I'm going to write this down now, and really apologise, and slide the note under the bedroom door so she knows I'm sorry and so she can go to sleep knowing I've got the message."

Something like that.

Male aggression is terrifying. Frustration sits in the anteroom of anger, so expressions of impatience and displeasure can be scary too. Listen to your wife and dial it right down.

Could you not have asked her why she wanted take the other route to the shops? Maybe she wanted to pick something up on the way or maybe she had some reason to think that the route you chose was likely to have heavy traffic, or maybe she'd forgotten that your route was faster. It sounds as if you shouted her down rather than having an amicable conversation about it. Maybe your wife often feels shouted down?
If there wasn't time for a conversation because she suggested the alternative route just when you were about to turn right, you still could have said 'Sorry, I'm driving and I'm not sure why you want to turn left and I can't wait so I'm turning right... what were you saying?'
It sounds as if there is a lot of anger between you and you need to make a real effort to understand each other, before things get worse.