Raised voice at wife and am now in the dog house

[Nastynigel]

We were going shopping and my wife wanted to go one route but that would have taken longer, so we turned right instead of left.
My wife alleges I shouted at he when she suggested we turn left. I didn’t, although I did raise my voice to tell her she was wrong because her route would have taken longer.

I realised instantly I had made a mistake. We ended up cutting our shopping trip short, and she is now upstairs, crying and speaking to me

I’ve apologised but I’m being accused of shouting at her each week, although she cannot give me specific examples.

I was just annoyed at the kids fighting and her telling me what route I should take.
Advice? We seem to have a falling out every few weeks and it’s tiring for me and her.

I don't know, I'm getting real 'bitches be crazy' vibes from the OP here.

I've known men who treat their partners with utter disdain and then complain about how 'over-sensitive' they are.

Not saying that's definitely the case, as I don't know the OP or his wife.

I can understand having a row while driving, shopping and children fighting. It happens all the time with couples. It might be a minor passing thing but if there's a pattern and no way to resolve these spats, there is a more underlying problem between you.

Dealing with the actions and reactions of both of you probably requires mediation at this point in your marriage, as you seem to be at an impasse where you can't discuss or mend things between you. Marriage or relationship counselling is needed.

true, but it looks like there are a lot of people on here already responding as though that’s the case so it might be helpful to have more responses assuming good faith on his part.
If OP is so profoundly deluded so as to think Mumsnet is a good place to get sympathy and reassurance for shouting at his wife then he’s beyond help anyway.

Do you know the reference? Im guessing op is referring to Nasty Nigel from the first series of big brother- he was dubbed ‘nasty’ for smuggling a pencil into the house and trying to influence the way other housemates voted. At the time it was a massive scandal, I suppose because it was an entirely new tv concept and he broke the rules, but in today’s world it’s laughable that everyone was so outraged. He barely did anything and yet was flamed for his actions - actually quite apt given what the post is about.

Thank you for taking my comment with the intention it was written, I’m not wanting to condemn your relationship but it always concerns me when people say they regularly fight with a partner. Personally I couldn’t be in a relationship that involved this level of conflict but DH and I are very laid back so I understand that different things work for different personalities. Just make sure you do stick to your boundaries as it’s easy for them to get trampled when someone repeatedly pushes at the edges.

That was Nasty Nick!

I don’t think you understand that for some women (many women), they have a zero tolerance approach to male aggression. In my entire life, I have NEVER heard my dad raise his voice at my mum. My husband raised his voice at me a couple of times and I told him I don’t tolerate it at all and he stopped completely

If my husband regularly raised his voice at me or the kids, it’d be a divorce.

@AutumnCrow i can’t edit my post but just realised Ive muddled my early 00’s media villains. It was ‘nasty nick’ from big brother, ‘nasty Nigel’ was Nigel lythgoe who was a judge on popstars which was the original singing talent show. He was the Simon cowell character and was a bit mean in a panto sort of way.

of course OP might just be a horrible bloke called Nigel, who knows 🤷‍♀️

I was typing a correction as you posted 😁 couldn’t edit for some reason

It seems to me, that her reactions are not 100% because of you raising your voice.
I would say that's she's unhappy on more than one level, and doesn't know how to fix it, or she does, but is too scared to go ahead for reasons only known best to her.
That amount of upset for you raising your voice is probably the trigger that makes her breakdown.
Obviously I could be wrong.
Do you think she'd welcome some counselling? She may wish ti feel heard without risking talking to you op.
I wish you luck, for the sake of everyone including the dc.

Mansplaining driving, lol.

Believe it or not, many of us drive, despite being women. We manage to do it safely while sharing the car with howling babies, whining toddlers, teenagers changing the station on the radio, tweens belting out Taylor Swift songs at top volume, or even while we referee fights in the back seat.

"Keep quiet or you don't travel with me" isn't an option. I can't believe you think that's how a relationship might work.

How glorious it would be to go through life with the self awareness of some men.

Honestly, OP, having read a bit more, you’re both very unhappy in your relationship and don’t know what to do about it. Get some marriage counselling. You both just can’t go on like this

But OP says she's like this with her children as well. Are you saying she can't stand her own children too?

OP, what was her earlier life like? Have her parents or siblings ever made a comment about what her behaviour was like when she was a child or teen? Sometimes a throwaway comment can be made during conversation, but it can be very insightful.

Believe it or not, things have been much better between us.

She is very sensitive and is easily upset in most situations. Although, she only reacts like this towards me and people she knows and is comfortable with.

I shouldn’t have said anything, I deeply regret raising my voice and feel annoyed. I’ve apologised but she doesn’t want to listen.

I just want to add that she routinely raises her voice at me and I don’t respond or I brush it off.

I agree with the posters who’ve said this is a horrible environment to raise children, but short of a separation, i cannot see our relationship being fixed.

Obviously.
Why do morons feel they have to shout to get their point through?
Tiresome, unnecessary, abusive.
Full stop.

Whatever you do never ever go to Relate, but I suggest that some sort of 'diagnostic interview' to try and get to the bottom of why these behaviours are happening for both of you might be a start

Yes, there is something off about this thread.
There are a lot of men posting on MN at the moment trying to make themselves look very hard done by and basically slagging women off.
I am wondering if this is one of those? 🤔

Her childhood was very unhappy. Her mother was very short tempered, although she I mellowed out now.

I get the feeling there were a complex set of problems between her parents and between the wider family.

I have no anger or animosity towards her; I feel very sorry for her. We are two very different people and the marriage isn’t working for either one of us.

Things will calm down and we’ll continue for a month or maybe more, until it blows us again. And the cycle will just continue to repeat.

Why did it matter if her suggested route took a little longer? It certainly didn't warrant you raising your voice (or shouting at her to use a less euphemistic term). Is she frightened of you?

It doesn’t sound like the marriage is working for either of you. Would separating be an option?

Do something about it then.

You could suggest relationship counselling.

You could suggest separation.

What do you want from this thread?

We were already late for an appointment and I hate taking that route, lots of traffic and lights. I prefer my route.

Yeah, definitely something off about this thread.
Do you want us to say you were within your rights to shout at her??

I’d raise my voice at someone who was insisting I was driving the wrong way when I didn’t need their help too OP.

This stropping upstairs and crying for a week is ridiculous. It is gaslighting, manipulative behaviour and if a man was doing it to a woman on here they’d be told it’s abuse. But as it’s a woman it’s because they’re really upset, and it’s the man’s fault.

Whatever it is OP, it’s not right or healthy for either of you. It is worth considering separation.

I want to know if her reaction is appropriate: crying, shouting, ignore me and being short with the children.

I shouldn’t have raised my voice at her but couples do.

I have learnt about male aggression which didn’t even cross my mind.

Lastly, I wouldn’t have reacted this way if it had been a friend in my car instead of my wife, which says a lot about me as a person and a husband.

Despite all this, I still think she is overreacting and I don’t know how to address this.