Raised voice at wife and am now in the dog house

[Nastynigel]

We were going shopping and my wife wanted to go one route but that would have taken longer, so we turned right instead of left.
My wife alleges I shouted at he when she suggested we turn left. I didn’t, although I did raise my voice to tell her she was wrong because her route would have taken longer.

I realised instantly I had made a mistake. We ended up cutting our shopping trip short, and she is now upstairs, crying and speaking to me

I’ve apologised but I’m being accused of shouting at her each week, although she cannot give me specific examples.

I was just annoyed at the kids fighting and her telling me what route I should take.
Advice? We seem to have a falling out every few weeks and it’s tiring for me and her.

Well, if she does it to the kids too, they must be very confused
I think she should go to the doctor and see if there is anything wrong
or, what was her upbringing like?
Don't know the answer, more questions really.

Would your wife talk to her GP? It does seem an overreaction and i suppose it’s possible it could be a medical problem such as under/over active thyroid maybe. Or maybe something else would become apparent talking to a doctor as they know the questions to ask?
How would she react if you suggested you both go to counselling?
Walking on eggshells is never a good situation for anyone.

No, honestly, I don’t know what to do. We are both very unhappy and I feel unable to express any displeasure at the state of our relationship.
Today, I raised my voice, last month she screamed at me when she was frustrated. It’s an unfortunate part of married life: people get upset and angry.
It’s the aftermath I have a problem with. The crying for most of today; she’ll spend most of tomorrow in bed, ignoring me. It will continue for a week.

If you apologised I don't really see the huge issue here, everyone loses their temper now and then. Maybe she has something more going on because her reaction seems really over the top for a raised voice

Hmm.

"I'm truly sorry. I realise that shouting at you probably makes you feel unsafe, unheard, and afraid. I won't do it again, and I'm going to work very hard to stop bringing my frustrations at other elements of life into our interactions."

Then go and take care of the kids, make dinner, give them baths, and put them to bed.

You raised your voice because you wanted to choose a different route?

What an overreaction.

You both sound unreasonable. You for raising your voice and her for crying pathetically about it.

https://nationalhighways.co.uk/road-safety/tackling-dangerous-driving-behaviour/

In particular

Avoiding distractions
Safe driving and riding needs concentration. Avoid distractions when driving or riding such as:

• loud music (this may mask other sounds)
• trying to read maps
• starting or adjusting any music or radio
• arguing with your passengers or other road users
• eating and drinking
• smoking

Driving requires focus and attention at all times...........

https://www.driving.org/expert-reveals-6-ways-to-prevent-accidents-on-the-road-heres-how-to-avoid-being-a-backseat-driver/

The bottom line is she is putting you, anyone else in the car and other road users at risk.

It isnt acceptable behaviour.

Either she keeps quiet or doesnt travel with you.

I should have done this with my ex wife long before I did and in fact I left her by stopping the car and walking off

It sounds like a massive overreaction from your wife. Crying and not speaking to you just because you raised your voice.
I suspect all the posters saying raising your voice makes you aggressive and you must apologise and listen to her would not give the same advice if the roles were reversed.
People get annoyed and raise their voices, normal adults apologise and move on.
I'm not really sure what you can do. Talk to her when she's calm, admit you shouldn't have raised your voice but I think she also needs to apologise for not talking to you like an adult but crying and giving you the silent treatment.

I suggest that there is an underlying issue.

What I cannot say.

Why do you feel the need to raise your voice though? IME people who do that just want to shout someone down and dominate. Either make your point at a level volume or shut up, don't shut her up.

This leads to her behaviour. She feels she doesn't have a voice. So she either shuts herself away, or she screams at you first to try and give you a taste of your own medicine. Neither is healthy, but more importantly, you are making her feel silenced inside, and just because you shout, you're more important because you're louder.

Sort it out. Concentrate on making any differences of opinion in your normal talking volume. Watch how often you automatically raise your voice and come back - if you dare - in a few days to tell us how much you found yourself (and hopefully stopped yourself) doing it.

You might find your whole household is a lot calmer if your wife suddenly subconsciously feels heard, even if you ultimately agree to disagree.

I suggest that when he was driving he wanted quite reasonably to avoid being distracted and acted assertively to deal with the distraction that should not have been created in the first place.

If his wife has a driving licence she should understand what its like to drive and act accordingly.

I might add that 'back sear driving' is not to the best of my knowledge regarded as acceptable or normal social behaviour unless I am much mistaken.

If I am wrong please let me know.

This was me and my bf a few days ago, fighting. We've been fighting/arguing once every month and it's draining but i know i love him and it's not like he's cheated or something, fights over everything else is trivial and not worth losing him over. You've apologised to her, give her space to calm down. You will both be fine

@Nastynigel im concerned by your comment that she will cry for most of today; she’ll spend most of tomorrow in bed, ignoring me. It will continue for a week. That is not only extremely disproportionate to what, on the surface, appears to be a very minor incident but it is also extremely toxic and somewhat manipulative behaviour.

There are 3 explanations I can think of:

1. You are extremely aggressive and shout at your wife to the extent that she is terrified of you
2. Your wife has experienced some past trauma that results in any confrontation triggering an extreme reaction
3. Your wife is emotionally abusive and uses stonewalling to manipulate you and control the situation

Which do you think it is?

I suppose it’s possible to be a combination of all three but more likely to be one ir the other. This is not a healthy way to live and is modelling a terrible example of a relationship to your children. Sounds like you both would benefit from accessing personal therapy and marriage counselling because this is not good for anyone.

Not to hijack the thread @Quiinkong but regular arguments that involve shouting, crying and upset are not part of a functional and healthy relationship. Adults should be able to discuss conflicts civilly and move forward. I have never had any incident with my DH that I would describe as a fight - disagreement, bickering or being irritated yes but never a fight.

In a partnership it should never be you vs your partner, it’s the two of you vs the issue. If that’s not the case then it’s not meant to be, love isn’t always enough.

Why have you named yourself 'NastyNigel', @Nastynigel?

That's quite a username to give yourself, given the context. Do you feel 'nasty'?

Oh , and by the way the (female) doctor said to me
You hormone levels aren't that much different (menopause)
I said oh really?
I can't cross the road cause I can't gauge speeds, I can't balance on my bike
I have anxiety attacks
My grandmother was apparently sectioned due to this
Give me Blinking HRT NOW
it all disappeared after I had it.
Women's health, well what the F

I recognise her behaviour.

Rightly or wrongly and for whatever reason, she literally can't stand you and can't pretend anymore. She just hasn't been able to properly process it and decide what to do about it. Probably never learned healthy coping mechanisms or how to be assertive, and this reaction is all she's got.

If she's been like this since the beginning, why did you choose her to marry?

I get your point but my boyfriend and i are both headstrong and both want to be right. Although some of his behaviour and words lately have been very upsetting but they don't cross my bottomline as a relationship breaker hence why I'm only giving the same advice to OP as i would myself. But like i said, totally see your point there too.

My guess is this is childhood trauma related, it sounds like she might catastrophes negative interactions to help protect against or prepare herself from abandonment. She is possibly trying to read the tea leaves and is using immature coping strategies, by telling herself “if he does X, then I’ll know he’s really Y and is probably going to abandon or let me down ultimately”.
It’s just a guess, but if you tell her how it makes you feel (in a non accusatory way) and ask her what’s going on for her when she disappears to cry etc you might be able to connect and reassure her.
If it is trauma related, she can be helped but that’s probably not your call to make. I would recommend letting her know that you want to make her happy, and you want to make yourself happy and you’d like to figure out how to do that.