Raised voice at wife and am now in the dog house

[Nastynigel]

We were going shopping and my wife wanted to go one route but that would have taken longer, so we turned right instead of left.
My wife alleges I shouted at he when she suggested we turn left. I didn’t, although I did raise my voice to tell her she was wrong because her route would have taken longer.

I realised instantly I had made a mistake. We ended up cutting our shopping trip short, and she is now upstairs, crying and speaking to me

I’ve apologised but I’m being accused of shouting at her each week, although she cannot give me specific examples.

I was just annoyed at the kids fighting and her telling me what route I should take.
Advice? We seem to have a falling out every few weeks and it’s tiring for me and her.

Does she recognise that she has a problem, and is she seeking help?

If not, I would be getting the hell out and taking the kids before she has a chance to do any more damage to them.

More to the point get an Court Order to get her out so the kids can stay in the house with you.

I did used to say to my ex, not that she noticed 'Do you think your behaviour is helping the situation' you can try that.

If all went as you said. I'd have had a bit of a moan and told you not to shout at me.
But to take to your bed crying and not speak for days is insane. The silent treatment is abuse.

Not really. The anger with some people has lasted years.

OK, so not much prospect of things changing then. I agree with a pp that she sounds emotionally abusive.

What are you actually getting out of staying in this relationship?

Do you think this is a healthy environment for your kids to grow up in?

I have an obligation towards her. I don’t feel I can just separate. Also, any separation would have a massive impact on her mental health. It’s not ideal for anyone

You're right, you do have an obligation towards her. But she also has an obligation towards you to behave reasonably and to manage her mental health effectively.

And you both have obligations towards your children, not to raise them in a toxic, emotionally abusive environment.

I understand your concerns about her mental health, but ultimately, she is responsible for that, not you. Do you think that remaining in the toxic environment that she is creating is good for your mental health? What about that of your children?

What about your obligation to your children? Doing the same as you've been doing isn't going to help her, and your kids will probably need therapy when they try to negotiate adult relationships. Because this currently is their only model.
You are enabling her behaviour by accepting it. ( And yes you are accepting it because as much as you tell her she needs to change, you don't actually do anything about it, do you.)
Leaving her might be the kick up the backside she needs to get help. And if it isn't, only she can change her. You can't, and staying really isn't helping and supporting her, it's allowing her to continue as she is.
And it seems like only you can show your kids what a normal loving home looks like. Sort it out.

Spoke to me twice yesterday evening - one word answers only. Hopefully things will be better this evening

Her mental health may improve in a different relationship.

DON'T SHOUT AT HER !!!!!!

Shouting is abusive and controlling.

Why was your route right ?

Maybe her route was right.

The type of behaviour you are describing might be something else being manifested.

I have recently been assessed as autistic. Part of this disorder involves having meltdowns.

I couldn’t understand why I was having so many “fights” with my husband. It turned out that these were actually meltdowns.

I tend to yell, when I go into meltdown.

Autistic people tend to think that there is one right way to do things eg. Turn right.

We also get out of kilter if our schedules change. Do you always turn right when you drive to the shops?

If you aren’t autistic, there could be any number of mental health issues you are experiencing. Have a chat with your doctor.

They will if you rid yourself of the toxic prick.

Just stop trying to talk to her.

Calling someone that is really not on.

Well if my marriage was the barrel of laughs that yours is, I’d be seeking a divorce.

And you get my prize for being the first male poster I’ve seen on MN moan about his wife and it not be about getting enough sex.

Disagree, i think it's entirely appropriate for emotionally abusive bullies. C'est la vie.

The OP thinks he has a moral obligation to be her punching bag, he doesn't and they'd all be a lot better off if he sacked her off.

Calling someone a toxic prick when you don’t know them, haven’t heard their side of the story, nor contemplated their life in any detail is pretty disgusting actually.

Its quite impressive to see how toxic some threads on MN can become

@Nastynigel I feel like you are looking for validation here, so here it is. It’s not good what she’s doing, and she thinks what you’re doing is so outrageous she’s taken to her bed and won’t speak to you. From what you say you are in the right and she is in the wrong. She has this issue with many people, and presumably you don’t have this issue (e.g. being accused of shouting or of being unkind) with very many other people so it’s her, not you.

She may be mentally ill. Part of why you are getting a lot of pushback here is because her reaction does sound a lot like how people react when they are in an emotionally abusive relationship where they are completely worn down by the experience, and very few people self identify as abusers so you will get people being suspicious of what you say. In fact, people who are mentally ill are often more vulnerable to emotional abuse and control from partners so even if your wife is mentally ill people will suspect you of using this reality to maintain the upper hand and to feel superior to her.
Ultimately if what you’re saying is true and you've made efforts to get counselling, you’ve tried to be more strategic in your communications, and you’ve tried to connect with her, then you are 99% in the right.

However, imho, you need to separate from her if you don’t love her or like her anymore. You can still fulfill your obligation to her, financially and in time maybe even emotionally through friendship. But no matter how much it feels like it, it isn’t a favor to stay with someone who you don’t love and respect. The truth is it’s an insult, in a way you’re saying to yourself you dont deserve better and you are saying to her you don’t think she could survive without or find someone else who loves her the way she is.

That’s a truth that’s hard to hide, you deserve to be happy so does she- she might meet someone who’s better suited to her demeanour, and you can maybe find someone who is more easy going and forgiving. Or both of you can just have a better life alone but still coparenting.

I think in life you have to fulfill your obligations with positivity or not at all, unless it’s to a child or someone who is entirely dependent on you for medical reasons. Otherwise what’s the point? You make all the effort and it goes unappreciated, and she has to live with someone who sees her for the unpleasant person she is.

Mine has less traffic, and is quicker.

I just wanted to get there without fighting. I sometimes raise my voice and can become frustrated when things don’t go the way I hoped / planned. I can understand how some people can view that as abusive, but I wouldn’t call it abusive.

That is interesting; how did your doctor treat your autism? Is it helping?

You cant 'treat' Autism.

If you are diagnosed though you can learn coping strategies

Why is her shouting abusive and yours is not ?

Is it because you say she shouts at the children and you do not.

Presumably you are the good cop parent then.

And also your wife falls out with everyone arround her friends and relatives, You do realise someones mental health can be affected by their home envioroment and that can affect outside relationships don't you.
It is common for abused women to allienate themselves from family and friends, it happens very often.

You on the otherhand are obviously happy and confident and safely feel you can trust those arround you.

Abuse is a strange beast, it tends to create very unhappy individuals who cannot help but let it affect many relationships outside the home.

Something to contemplate.

My wife isn’t abused. I wouldn’t class DH raising voice in frustration as ‘abuse’.

You’ve never raised your voice in frustration??

You believe your wife is being abusive by withdrawing from you.

Hiding in a bedroom, crying, you think she is sulking.

You obviously have to be right so cannot believe she's frightened of you.

That makes you dangerous.

And anger is frustration, the point at which your relationship began being unequal was when she began withdrawing after being shouted at. You are too fixed, who the hell has to shout about which way to go in a car, you have to win and your behaviour will get worse not taking your wife's opinion into account.

We all go through the same situations in life, family journeys, who gets to pick what in the home, choice of car, choices of everthing, there are people on here who can explain how abuse in their home escalated, in many cases it started by this very behaviour, by being shouted down, by having your choices surpressed, by courting other's opinions and shaming their wives to shut up and be silenced.

This is very in line with abuse, I am challenging you and you don't like it, you will not take anyones opinion into consideration, you are not sorry and feel no remorse for making your wife cry.
Many men would hate for their wive's to cry but you believe her response is unreasonable, you are taking away her right to be upset or to be frightened.

What you need to a very large 6'5 man to shout you down in a confined space and then have to spend the next few days with him in the same home, would you try to avoid him ? Would you fear him ?

I think you would.

Think about your behaviour.

And men wonder why women find other men to protect them.

I mean, I wouldn't take to my bed if DH shouted at me....but you know what else wouldn't happen?

He wouldn't shout at me.

I've known him for a decade and never, not once, has he raised his voice in "frustration". I'm not saying the DW is perfect in all of this, but if a man was routinely shouting at me and brushing it off with "it's normal, I was frustrated", I'd be fucking upset and angry too.

You sound foul tbh, OP. Minimising your own behaviour and making her out to be the crazy woman in the attic. For all we know, this could be tip of the iceberg behaviour with how you treat her and your dismissive explanations would suggest so.

She might be unwell. But I know male aggression, and I know men. Go and take a long, hard look in the mirror.