Raised voice at wife and am now in the dog house

[Nastynigel]

We were going shopping and my wife wanted to go one route but that would have taken longer, so we turned right instead of left.
My wife alleges I shouted at he when she suggested we turn left. I didn’t, although I did raise my voice to tell her she was wrong because her route would have taken longer.

I realised instantly I had made a mistake. We ended up cutting our shopping trip short, and she is now upstairs, crying and speaking to me

I’ve apologised but I’m being accused of shouting at her each week, although she cannot give me specific examples.

I was just annoyed at the kids fighting and her telling me what route I should take.
Advice? We seem to have a falling out every few weeks and it’s tiring for me and her.

If neither of you can control your emotions, you need to go your separate ways. You shouldn't be shouting at your wife. She shouldn't be sulking.
A man's raised voice can be terrifying. You should be able to navigate a simple disagree about route planning without shouting at your wife.
Regularly shouting at each other, silent treatment, sulking isn't normal. It's not fair on your kids.

He didn't shout at her though

He raised his voice. How does that differ from shouting?

@Nastynigel

If she’s shouting at the children and giving them silent treatment (or even if she’s ‘just’ giving you the silent treatment, that’s harmful for them to witness), I think you should seriously consider leaving.

I appreciate that I coukd be projecting here, but my mum was very volatile when we were growing up, made us (me, my sibling snd my dad) responsible for her emotions, couldn’t self-regulate, and alternated between screaming aggressively at us and giving us the silent treatment. My dad never addressed her behaviour or protected us, and even now says that we’re too sensitive, it’s just how she is, etc.

It’s so so damaging for children to grow up like this. I first had counselling in 2014 and I’m nowhere near ‘done’ yet. Please take care of your children and don’t let their childhood be like this any longer. Their home should be their sanctuary, not full of stress and walking on eggshells.

So she can scream at you, it's only wrong when you do it? Fuck that, ignore her when she acts this and think about if you want to stay in this relationship ..

I know she ‘ll react this way so I always try not to upset her, and keep my opinions to myself, but it’s impossible to do this 100% of the time.
This is a horrible way to live. Don't let her do this to you.

On the face of it, based on only reading your posts, OP, the sulking, not speaking to you and volatility of your wife’s behaviour verges on abuse. I say verges, because she may not be aware of what she’s doing and how it impacts you and your children.

Agree with a pp - she needs some sort of therapy but it’s doubtful she’ll take kindly to that suggestion.

Only you can decide if your marriage is worth the short-term pain of what needs to be done to fix it for the potential long-term gain of a happier household. But one thing’s for sure, it’s not a healthy environment for your kids or you right now.

Silent treatment and forcing your partner to continually make the effort until you deign to speak back and signal their forgiveness and end of their penance isn't trying to let them in, it's abusive emotionally stunted behaviour of a bully

My ex wife was very fond of shouting.

It has been suggested to me that she was either autistic or a narcissist.

Clearly I am not qualified to comment on these diagnosis and because of her well documented behaviour during the divorce and subsequently I didnt need a diagnosis.

People shouting during daily life need to chill out, especially in normal day-to-day interactions. Relearn how to communicate.
Shouting/Screaming
Sulking
Silent treatment.
Not very good is it?

In 25 years of being married I think I’ve shouted at dh once and I was very stressed out by a mouse running round the room at the time!

Hi OP, I think you both have some work to do on conflict resolution

I would recommend you look at Jimmy On Relationships on Instagram and look into this as a good start. Every couple fights, and the longer term outcome is very much dependent on her bringing up something without criticism and you being very open to listening and resolving it from your end.

For example, when you say you are repeatedly apologising, are you going (in an exasperated way):

"Look, I said I was sorry, what else do you want me to do? I said I wasn't shouting, I was stressed, you just took it the wrong way!!"

Or are you going:

"I can see how upset you are and how my shouting was really difficult for you. I am really sorry that I did that. I don't want to make you feel scared or unable to tell me when I do something that upsets you. I was stressed and I reacted badly. I don't think I shouted, so maybe I'm not aware of how I come across. Can you help me understand so I can try and avoid it in the future?"

It is likely that the first leads to her being more upset because you are invalidating her feelings and telling her she is wrong, and the second will lead to a calmer discussion where you both feel heard.

I know it is SO DIFFICULT to apologise for something you didn't mean to do, but your relality is different from hers, and her feelings aren't wrong. Being defensive and only caring about how you are understood when someone else is hurt is extremely damaging..

If you are describing It honestly then it also sounds like she really needs to work on emotional regulation and bringing things up with you in a calm way that isn't overly critical. You can ask her, after she has calmed down, to talk about this. For example you can say:

"When you picked on my driving, whilst I was driving, it made me feel criticised and stressed. Driving is hard when you're being told to do something else! This may be why I wrongly shouted. Could you work on bringing things up in a calm way? This will help me respond in the best way for us to resolve it.

I think also it is really important to consider how sometimes the arguement is worse than the actual thing. This is how it is for me. My partner may do a small thing, and when he repeatedly denies, invalidates or victim blames me it quickly goes wrong and I end up very upset. If he took the approach above of validating my feelings and trying to understand his actions, instead of telling me I'm wrong for being upset, things would be a million times better.

Good luck op

You can firmly say something to someone without shouting. This shouldn't have to be explained.

No, separate.
This stuff lingers like a rotten shipwreck, to be
a bit dramatic.
Husband and I don't raise our voices at each other, apart from when he's got a deaf moment.
He's 74.

It is impossible for us to know whether your tone, volume and frequency of 'raised voice' makes this response justified.

But from what you say, she also shouts sometimes. So I tend to think she is over-sensitive and used to using manipulation tactics to elicit the apologetic response she thinks she deserves.

I don't think I could live with it and would prefer to separate, but I guess couples counselling would allow you to discuss it safely if you want to keep trying 'for the kids.'

What about her father? Is she still in touch with her parents?

Speaking firmly is not the same as raising your voice.

She sounds like an emotionally manipulative drama queen.

I am using the second approach. I am not invalidating her feelings or acting annoyed or fed up. However, she still isn’t speaking to me, she doesn’t reply to anything I say or ask.

In the past, she would leave the house and take the children with her, passports included.

I am just going go leave things for a few hours and try to speak to her again in the evening.

Yes. They live in another country.

I suspect they both went through something similar to what we are going through. Their marriage had its shares of ups and downs, mainly downs but they’re still married.

Impossible to say without more information or a fuller picture. The power dynamic in the household, the finances, the ages of both of you, culture differences etc.

But at the end of the day you cannot communicate well enough or respect one another not to shout during a disagreement, there is immaturity which prevents acceptable discussion. Regardless of intellegence, when frustration enters your conversation it escalates, normally it is the male who overpowers in these situations as they normally do not have an underlying fear.

Regardless of who is right and who is wrong, your wife is frightened of you, she is scared, her defences instead of shouting at you head on, is to hide and cry.

Some on here say it's manipulation but I wouldn't take the chance and say it's her who is a drama queen. She to me is waiting for your anger to subside and you are waiting to forgive her for having the ordacity to have a different opinion from you.

Hopefully you will separate because this normally gets worse.

Oh give over
She is frightened because he raised his voice because she was telling him where to go while driving?
Sorry but that is ridiculous. Everyone raises their voice a bit when they are annoyed it's human.

So she grew up in a household where there was a lot of raised voices and shouting at the very least?

There's another side to this (and thinking it was the same marriage dynamic as yours doesn't mean it wasn't outright violent and abusive).

She's grown up in a stressful, aggressive environment, one where acting tough, shouting back or shouting in general is a way to trigger the violence and subsequent relief from the constant feeling that it's going to explode in some way. And now, having the same dynamic repeated in her marriage - with the same 'oh, it's normal, everybody does this' - creates fear, resentment and the old coping strategy of trigger the explosion, get it over with. She's even said she wants to go somewhere else - the flight response - which she wasn't able to do as a child, just as your children were unable to escape the car shouting or your other arguments that you think are normal. So she's trapped in the same relationship dynamic (with the children) that she grew up being stressed and harmed by.

OP, you shouldn't have shouted but you already know that.

However, unless you are massively underpaying what actually happened, and it was more than you just raising your voice a bit in annoyance, I think your wife is massively overreacting and behaving very unreasonably.

You raised your voice, you've apologised. That should be an end of it but she is now dragging it out for the whole weekend. I feel so sorry for your poor kids who are stuck in the middle of all this!

Honestly, unless she has something like PTSD or similar which is causing her to overreact in this way, I think she is being incredibly unreasonable to carry on punishing you like this after you've already said sorry. Yes, you were wrong to shout and you need to get a grip on that, but she needs to get a grip on her reactions.

If she can't or won't, I would be seriously considering whether there is a future in this relationship. Your kids deserve better.

She is like this with everyone, not just me.

She has cut contact with friends and family members over trivial things, which most people would shrug off: someone rolling their eyes and her or disagreeing with her opinion. It’s exhausting.

She still hasn’t spoken me to and has spent most of the day in bed.

She either needs therapy, has an undiagnosed mental health condition or is seriously entitled.
If it's the latter I couldn't put up with that shit and it's especially damaging for the children.
Whatever it us it's not normal adult behaviour
You must have the patience of a Saint OP.