Raised voice at wife and am now in the dog house

[Nastynigel]

We were going shopping and my wife wanted to go one route but that would have taken longer, so we turned right instead of left.
My wife alleges I shouted at he when she suggested we turn left. I didn’t, although I did raise my voice to tell her she was wrong because her route would have taken longer.

I realised instantly I had made a mistake. We ended up cutting our shopping trip short, and she is now upstairs, crying and speaking to me

I’ve apologised but I’m being accused of shouting at her each week, although she cannot give me specific examples.

I was just annoyed at the kids fighting and her telling me what route I should take.
Advice? We seem to have a falling out every few weeks and it’s tiring for me and her.

Your dw need Counseling.
She behaved the same way her mother did (learned behaviour) but it’s not ok for anyone to slightly raise their voice to her .

It’s all very very extreme laying in bed crying for hours.
Something is deep rooted she needs to sort out.
Also maybe a few couples Counseling sessions would help with communication.

If you are genuinely both unhappy maybe you have to split .

Well, maybe this is what needs to change.
You said you have apologised, let her come round in her own time. This all sounds exhausting.

Once this latest argument is over, you both need to have an honest chat because you both sound utterly miserable. Life is too short for this.

This is not what marriages are usually like. Most couples have disagreements, but the fallout from your disagreement is extreme.
Your wife may need professional help to process a past trauma.
Or she may have borderline personality disorder. Either way it's not healthy to just let this continue.
Sulking, not speaking for days, that's manipulative behaviour. You say she can't help it, but she manages not to let rip at other people. So she very much can help it.
For your children's sake, do something about it.

This. It's not emotional rocket science.

Tbf there were a couple of posts which had the tide going in the favour of "shes driving she decides the route." At the start of the thread, not so many of them since that fact was ironed out and a lot more "jeeze what's the big deal of the route, pretty controlling to insist she was wrong "

This really isn’t a healthy way to raise children and that needs to be the main priority.

I think you need and your wife need counselling and to give yourself a time limit to either fix things or learn to split amicably.

She sounds like she has picked up this behaviour from her family and so what are your children picking up now?

You need to show your children what a healthy relationship is so they can have one for themselves.

This dynamic makes me so glad I decided early on never to get married.

I still think she is overreacting and I don’t know how to address this.

You can't address her overreacting. Because you can't address or change any of her behaviour. The only person's behaviour you can control is your own.

You might 'address' the behaviour of a young child or a dog. You don't address the behaviour of another adult.

Change your own behaviour - that is all you can do.

Then, if she wants to, seek marriage counselling together, as an equal couple with the starting position that neither of you is in the right or in the wrong.
If she refuses, go for counselling on your own for yourself.

Then after counselling, you decide whether you want to stay in this marriage.

What a load of misogynistic bollocks!

It really isn’t.

How is it?

Where does it say that he shouts at her weekly?

You've made it misogynistic. No passenger should be telling the driver where to go unless they start the conversation with... do you know it's blocked or there's roadworks down there... etc...

The only thing I'd say slightly differently is if she asks him for his opinion of her to help her self reflect... but that hardly ever happens... because they already know the answer.

Yup, this was totally my mother. Bloody awful to grow up permanently on eggshells. I have vowed never to repeat this behaviour, and I don’t.

The rule in our marriage is that the one who is driving decides the route. The one who is driving also decides which carpark we are using and which space is chosen in that car park. The passengers appreciate being driven and say absolutely nothing . The only exception is if the driver is lost and specifically requests help to work out how the hell to find X. Works very well for us.

This is my take on it too. Her reactions sound entirely OTT and everybody else has to walk on eggshells. I couldn’t live like that.

I don’t shout at her every week, I don’t know why you’ve said that. I try to be careful when speaking to her but I just cannot control myself every single day.

It’s a horrible environment for us and no one is happy.

Also, she is very shouty with the children when she is upset & she has been upset with plenty of other people other than me.

She acts like this whenever she is extremely upset.

Honestly? If everything you've said on this thread is true then your wife needs therapy. Talking therapy plus couples counselling and I'd suggest some sort of anxiety medication from the GP

However if what you've said on the thread is true , there won't be any point suggesting this ^ to her as she'll just have a meltdown

In which case, if I were you, I'd divorce her

Some marriages last forever ( happily or unhappily). Some marriages have a sell by date. My first marriage limped on for longer than it should have. We were both thoroughly miserable. In the end my husband left for someone else. Turned out to be the best thing that ever happened to me ( took a while to realise this because I thought marriages had to last forever no matter what). Perhaps this is where you two are. I would recommend counselling . It will either help you to continue together in a better marriage or to part in a better way. What you have currently is not working and you only have one life. Don't waste it in misery.

I would suggest that although you are trying your best, you may find that it's worth self checking for other habits. I decided I wouldn't do what my parents did, but then I found I was doing a couple of things my parents would never do. Realised early but still annoyed that I was so intense against their habits I let a bad habit nearly get through.

For the sake of your children, please separate. This is a horrible environment for them to grow up in and it is causing them lasting harm

I can't imagine this is a good environment for children to be in.

You both need to think about what's best for them.

From the information you have given, it seems they are having a very unhappy childhood and you need to think of how to keep them away from such emotional abuse and manipulation.

Yes, so speak to her then. She's trying to let you in and cross her defencive line. If all she feels is that she's shouted at, but is still willing to let you in, then you need to try. She may be in the wrong about the car, but she's trying. Whereas you have gone downstairs off your own volution. So she feels anabdoned now. As I say she was probably in the wrong but you are concentrating way to much on that argument, rather than trying to see that she is hurt. Only together do you make a partnership.