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AIBU?

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Original poster

Refusing to provide details of funeral

296 replies

TigerandLion · 04/10/2024 22:21

My stepdaughter, whose beloved step-grandma passed recently, is being refused the funeral details. Her step grandmas new partner before she passed doesn’t consider her to be family and so is refusing to provide her with the funeral details. She’s very upset over her step grandmas passing and would love to attend her funeral to pay her respects and say goodbye. They (her partner) are refusing to give her the funeral details though so she can’t attend if she doesn’t know when or where the funeral is. She’s very upset at the thought of not being able to attend her funeral. AIBU to think it’s cruel of them to refuse to give her the funeral details like this? My stepdaughter is very upset over it and over the thought of not being able to attend the funeral because they won’t give her the funeral details.

OP posts:
Original poster
TigerandLion · 04/10/2024 22:25

I’ve tried to ask for the funeral details on her behalf too but the family won’t provide them and I don’t know how else I can get the details for her if they won’t provide them.

OP posts:
maverickfox · 04/10/2024 22:25

Funeral directors sometimes post the time and date of funerals online. She can do a search to see if she can find it and turn up and sit at the back if she doesn’t want to make a fuss.

Original poster
TigerandLion · 04/10/2024 22:27

maverickfox · 04/10/2024 22:25

Funeral directors sometimes post the time and date of funerals online. She can do a search to see if she can find it and turn up and sit at the back if she doesn’t want to make a fuss.

She’s had a look but can’t find anything online unfortunately.

OP posts:
BodyKeepingScore · 04/10/2024 22:29

What do you mean step grandma? Surely the child of the step grandmother presumably your stepdaughters step parent, could tell her?

I'd be inclined to respect the family wishes though in a situation like this rather than show up and create conflict.

maverickfox · 04/10/2024 22:30

TigerandLion · 04/10/2024 22:27

She’s had a look but can’t find anything online unfortunately.

Show quote history

That’s a shame. She should keep looking as it might come up.

Arlanymor · 04/10/2024 22:31

Why is the new partner gatekeeping? Is there a valid reason? It doesn't make sense that 'she's not family' - because nor is he if he wasn't married.

If it's a funeral and not a private service then anyone is allowed to attend and if it is announced externally then anyone may attend.

If you can't find out the details from an open source then I would just contact him and explain the damage that can be done through excluding her (particularly if she has known her grandmother for a lot longer than him - assume that is the case?) and that she only wants to quietly pay her respects.

yikesanotherbooboo · 04/10/2024 22:31

That is sad. It isn't usual to 'invite'people to funerals , they are public events and anyone can attend. Details are made know via family, friends, the funeral directors and sometimes the papers. In this case your the husband of the deceased has made it clear that he doesn't want DSD to attend which seems spiteful but as a grieving spot I suppose that his wishes are paramount.

Grabyourpassportandmyhand · 04/10/2024 22:32

BodyKeepingScore · 04/10/2024 22:29

What do you mean step grandma? Surely the child of the step grandmother presumably your stepdaughters step parent, could tell her?

I'd be inclined to respect the family wishes though in a situation like this rather than show up and create conflict.

This.

Original poster
TigerandLion · 04/10/2024 22:32

BodyKeepingScore · 04/10/2024 22:29

What do you mean step grandma? Surely the child of the step grandmother presumably your stepdaughters step parent, could tell her?

I'd be inclined to respect the family wishes though in a situation like this rather than show up and create conflict.

They won’t tell her unfortunately.

She really wants to attend the funeral and pay her respects and say goodbye.

OP posts:
BabyR · 04/10/2024 22:32

Nobody else willing to share them?

Heronwatcher · 04/10/2024 22:32

Hang on, I might be being dim but if the lady is her step-grandma, isn’t one of her parents the son/ daughter? Can’t she just find out from one of them or another relative?

That said, if she’s not welcome I think I’d probably focus on trying to persuade her to have her own goodbye rituals- she doesn’t have to attend the funeral, she could do a little remembrance at home, or a church or a special place to her- which would probably be nicer than the funeral for her if the dickhead partner is going to create a scene.

Original poster
TigerandLion · 04/10/2024 22:34

None of the other family will give her the details unfortunately. I think her partner has told them not to.

OP posts:
Sweetmelanin · 04/10/2024 22:34

Is she an adult? I imagine there is likely to be a backstory to this.

BodyKeepingScore · 04/10/2024 22:36

@TigerandLion so the child(ren) of the lady who passed away don't want your step daughter to attend... surely that ought to be respected?

Grabyourpassportandmyhand · 04/10/2024 22:38

TigerandLion · 04/10/2024 22:34

None of the other family will give her the details unfortunately. I think her partner has told them not to.

One of those people is her parent surely? And the child of the deceased?

If they don’t want your DD to attend, then she really needs to respect their wishes.

I also assume there is a backstory to this.

SunsetSkylane · 04/10/2024 22:39

Sounds like it would be better for her to hold some sort of ritual just for herself; turning up sounds like it will cause drama.

When a relative dies overseas I just took flowers down the beach, floated them on the water and thought my private thoughts about them.

Maybe something to consider.

redalex261 · 04/10/2024 22:39

Sometimes there is nothing you can do. She will have to pay her respects without attending the funeral. One of my childhood friends died and his estranged wife held a private cremation with absolutely no attendees - refused to tell anyone, even his mum or brother where and when it was happening. Then scattered the ashes without anyone being told where and when. She had not been on good terms with him or his family after they separated, but all decision making fell to her as legal next of kin. Seemed very harsh, it was a sudden death and family were distraught but could do nothing.

Original poster
TigerandLion · 04/10/2024 22:40

Sweetmelanin · 04/10/2024 22:34

Is she an adult? I imagine there is likely to be a backstory to this.

She’s 16. There’s no backstory, other than she had a row with her new partner and he didn’t consider her family. But her step-grandma always considered her to be family and loved her.

OP posts:
Dearover · 04/10/2024 22:41

Your husband's ex-wife's new husband's mother?

TeenLifeMum · 04/10/2024 22:42

What about the actual step parent who lost their own mum. If they won’t provide the details and don’t want step daughter there I wouldn’t push it.

Arlanymor · 04/10/2024 22:42

TigerandLion · 04/10/2024 22:34

None of the other family will give her the details unfortunately. I think her partner has told them not to.

Erm, that's weird. One of her own parents won't give her the details then given the step connection. More to this story then. Maybe there is a very good reason for not wanting her there?

For example, neither of my parents want a funeral and I am glad because my sister would rock up and make it all about her because she is a shameless using and abusing narcissist (diagnosed too, I don't throw the term about like so many people seem to do, true narcissism is scary and hollowing).

Not saying that this is your situation, but the idea of my sister turning up to pay her respects when she has never respected either individual in her whole life makes me feel sick. But there must be a reason why no one in the family will tell her - you're pinning this on the new partner, but others who know her will be going, so why aren't they telling her?

Heronwatcher · 04/10/2024 22:42

TigerandLion · 04/10/2024 22:34

None of the other family will give her the details unfortunately. I think her partner has told them not to.

Do you really think it’s a good idea for her to go in these circumstances?

Surely at best they will ignore her, at worst they will ask her to leave or physically eject her. Neither sounds like something her gran would want happening at the funeral or a nice respectful send off. It’d be like a scene from Eastenders.

Does she actually just want to prove a point?

Changeyourfuckingcar · 04/10/2024 22:42

TigerandLion · 04/10/2024 22:34

None of the other family will give her the details unfortunately. I think her partner has told them not to.

This is really weird. To have one or two people acting the fool is one thing but a whole family colluding to exclude someone often indicated a complicated back story imo.
In any case, I think I’d be encouraging stepdaughter to opt for her own plan to honour her step grandmother (?) rather than forcing her way into a funeral where it seems no one will welcome her or even be remotely pleased to see her.

Boopeedoop · 04/10/2024 22:47

If it's likely to be a cremation, just call the crematorium. Ask them for the details as you would like to send flowers.

Coruscations · 04/10/2024 22:47

TigerandLion · 04/10/2024 22:25

I’ve tried to ask for the funeral details on her behalf too but the family won’t provide them and I don’t know how else I can get the details for her if they won’t provide them.

If it's a cremation, crematoria also sometimes post those details online.

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