Refusing to provide details of funeral

[TigerandLion]

My stepdaughter, whose beloved step-grandma passed recently, is being refused the funeral details. Her step grandmas new partner before she passed doesn’t consider her to be family and so is refusing to provide her with the funeral details. She’s very upset over her step grandmas passing and would love to attend her funeral to pay her respects and say goodbye. They (her partner) are refusing to give her the funeral details though so she can’t attend if she doesn’t know when or where the funeral is. She’s very upset at the thought of not being able to attend her funeral. AIBU to think it’s cruel of them to refuse to give her the funeral details like this? My stepdaughter is very upset over it and over the thought of not being able to attend the funeral because they won’t give her the funeral details.

If no-one in the family wants her to go, not even her mother, there's no way I'd be trying to find out the details to get her there.
You'd be risking that young girl being turned on by the whole family, and a scene being created at the funeral. Why would you be trying to facilitate that?

If you want to help her, you'll find ways of her marking her SGMs life in a different way.

I've been to many cremations that were funerals. I've only been to one cremation that wasn't when we had a funeral at a church and then a few of us immediate family went on to the crematorium.

By far the majority of funerals I've been to have been just at the crematorium. Hymns, prayers, readings, eulogies, orders of service and then the curtains closing round the coffin as it moves on.

Every cremation I’ve been to has a had a funeral.

@Arlanymor when I’ve been to a cremation they have had a ceremony, with singing, readings, a eulogy etc at the crematorium. I’ve never been to a cremation where they’ve just sent the coffin through the curtain. Would you not class this as a funeral?

The Oxford English Dictionary definition is

noun

1. a ceremony or service held shortly after a person's death, usually including the person's burial or cremation.

Because you're assuming the OP (and others) don't know what a funeral is and that a service at a crematorium isn't one if someone says they are going to a funeral at NewTown Crematorium that is almost certainly what they are doing.

One and the same thing. You are wrong. And seem to have been agitating all the way through thus thread as well.

Has she asked her own mum why she is not allowed to go? Surely her mum can understand that she wants to go and either tell her the details/take her along or appeal to the deceased’s new partner to allow her daughter to attend?

IMO the genetic relationship doesn't matter.

Thetes a young adult /16 year old child who wants to attend the funeral of a loved one. But isn't welcome, for whatever reason.

So, what is the best option for a 16 year old to mourn in that circumstance? It probably doesn't involve a drama.

What was the argument about? It must have been serious to be banned from the funeral by everyone.

I agree with everyone else who has said, if you want anything from this thread,, you need to be clearer, and try and answer some of the questions.

Can you explain the family tree a bit?
'Step -Grandmother' is not very clear what the relationship is.

How can you say there is "no back story" when you have a 16 year old who doesn't live with her mother, and a whole family refusing to share details of a funeral. There is clearly a much bigger issue that one argument with this 'step-grandmother's new partner.

Ultimately though, if someone isn't wanted at a funeral, by the dearest and dearest, the last thing you should be doing is helping her find a way to get there. Whatever the circumstances of them not wanting a person there, that is where we are, and encouraging her to turn up is very irresponsible.

Why not suggest taking the time to go somewhere and reflect, or maybe speak to a presbyter a her local Church (or whatever faith she might have) , or go to a peaceful place (woodland, beach, forest) , or somewhere she has a special memory with this lady. Go with her yourself and raise a glass / have an ice-cream / share some memories, / take some photos to look at and talk about.

Gently OP, this feels like you are trying to insert yourself into the drama and create more. Sometimes, as adults, we have to guide young people to the most appropriate decision and not indulge their demands. The most appropriate decision in this case is to find another way to honour the SG.

this sounds like a very dysfunctional family, with a lot of broken relationships.

you are daughter is a child and no one wants her there? Including her except step dad?u wouldn’t want a 16 going to a funeral where all the adults think like this.

why not spend the day with your step daughter and do something personal to mark this ladies passing. Spare her this hostile and unpleasant experience.

My mum gave specifics that one of my dads sisters was not welcome at her funeral before she passed. The sister in question was not a nice person and my mum was very aware she was likely to start an arguement if not a fist fight with my dads other sister at the funeral.

My mum was proven right when a few years later, they got in to a fist fight the day after their OWN mother passed and were all together arranging her funeral.

If my dad or sister were to pass, i would not invite any of my mums side of the family due to how they've treated us since my mums passing, even though it would be their neice/cousin or brother in law etc.

Imo, the deceaseds wishes first, immediate family second when it comes to inviting people to funerals. He's lost his partner, if he's going to be distressed/upset etc at your step daughter attending, than as the immediate family member, his wishes for her not to attend trump hers wanting to, especially as he's likely the one whose paying for it.

Try the most likely crematorium first. Their website may list the dates and times of upcoming funerals. Or look in the local press where death notices often give funeral details. If neither of these work and you think it may be a burial, contact the most likely churches (they have websites) and ask them. Funeral directors do not always give details unfortunately.

This. OP is being obtuse .

I often struggle to follow my own family but l dont get this. Isn't this either your parents funeral or your DHs/exDHs parents funeral if this girl is your DSD. Or has her mum's current partner's mother died ?
<head explodes>

The stepgrandmother could be either the girl's (current or former) stepfather's mother or her own mother's former stepmother.

Seeing as they don't see her as family and her mum has been asked not to share the info, my guess is grandma is the mother (or stepmother) of a (current or former) stepfather.

I think your step daughter should drop this.

Funerals are emotional things and if the deceased closest family don't want her there, including her owm mum, then she should to respect their wishes.

The funeral is not the only way to pay respects. If she is religious, she can ask for a prayer to be said at her local church service and light a candle for example. Or go to a nice spot that reminds her of her grandmother and remember her there, do something they used to do together or lay flowers somewhere important to her

I think her going to a funeral she is not welcome at, could end wrong and lead to her feeling upset and rejected, cause a scene if other family dont react well and make the service about something it isnt when it should be about remembering the loved one.

The family could he wrong for not allowing her to be there, we cant say on the little information given but I think you need to encourage her to mark her grandmother passing in a way that is not trying to find details of the funeral

So this is OP's DH's EXW's DH'S DM who has died - I think.

Funerals are typically attended by friends and family. Your DSD not being a blood relation is neither here nor there. It is quite possible the ruckus that occurred prior to the death adversely impacted her own mother and the step-dad too, which no-one wants to see repeated at the funeral, nor to have to worry throughout whether something will happen again, hence them withholding details of the funeral location.

It may also be that the partner of the step-grandma has a health condition exacerbated by stress so again they would not want any upset at a funeral. All of the above could be true, in addition to one or two of them being fully paid up members of The Awkward Squad themselves, making it hard for everyone else to navigate around. She might love her SGM but her SD presumably also loves his mum and wants to say his goodbyes in peace. I doubt he appreciates his mum's partner having a fight with his teenage step daughter. Your DSD needs to consider the bigger picture here, not just her sentiments.

I would suggest she goes after the service to the graveside and pays her respects there. It would be very odd if they didn't disclose those details once the funeral was over. As previously suggested, I think it would be a great idea to look at ways to help her remember and commemorate her step grandma before the memories fade.

OP, if you find out where and when the funeral is, had you or her dad planned to accompany her or are you expecting her to go on her own? Surely not, if she is only 16.
Maybe the ‘family only’ rule imposed by the family is to exclude you or her dad. Maybe it’s one of you they actually object to for some reason is it?
Is that what you aren’t telling us because from the way you write, you sound very guarded and not forthcoming at all.

Teach your dsd that it’s possible to have your own little service to say goodbye, without any fuss or drama. I’m sure that in due time, you will discover where the grave is and be able to take your dsd there with flowers.

Is it a case of her parent ans step parent no longer being in a relationship? There does seem more to this than the info given

The family feels very strongly about her not attending, she needs advised to respect that.

Also at 16 is she will be poorly equipped to deal appropriately with anything that kicks off on the day.

You should be encouraging her to keep well away and find another way to pay her respects.

It does seem mean to exclude the poor girl, rows are usually set aside when someone dies.

Op, when you have found out where it is, your step-daughter can go to the grave, take flowers, some time after the burial and pay her respects privately. There's no point in her facing a frosty reception at the funeral and her presence could cause disruption if this man is so against her.

For now, just give her tlc and reassure her, poor girl.

How new is the partner?

Was her grandmother a member of a church or did she have a particular faith? If so, she should start phoning round those churches. There may also be an announcement in the local paper, or check a relative’s Facebook page where they may post details. Why don’t they want her to attend?