Refusing to provide details of funeral

[TigerandLion]

My stepdaughter, whose beloved step-grandma passed recently, is being refused the funeral details. Her step grandmas new partner before she passed doesn’t consider her to be family and so is refusing to provide her with the funeral details. She’s very upset over her step grandmas passing and would love to attend her funeral to pay her respects and say goodbye. They (her partner) are refusing to give her the funeral details though so she can’t attend if she doesn’t know when or where the funeral is. She’s very upset at the thought of not being able to attend her funeral. AIBU to think it’s cruel of them to refuse to give her the funeral details like this? My stepdaughter is very upset over it and over the thought of not being able to attend the funeral because they won’t give her the funeral details.

Keep checking online I know when it was my DM funeral the funeral package included an obituary in the local paper. With details of the funeral arrangements. The funeral parlour sorted all that for us.

I can only work out two ways anyone could have a step-grandmother. The second wife of one her grandparents or the mother of her step-parent.

Narrowing it down, as OP doesn't seem to want to clarify, I'm ruling out the first unless the deceased was twice widowed/divorced and the recently bereaved partner was another new relationship. So more like the latter and the deceased was the 16 year old's mother's second husband's mother. Which does mean her own mother is keeping the details of her (the mother's) MIL from her. This isn't just the partner, the whole scenario is odd.

Then, I would probably reach out again to a different family member, explain that your stepdaughter is grieving just like they are, that you understand the deceased's partner doesn't see your stepdaughter as "family", but there is no rule that only family might want to say goodbye to someone who has passed and could they please give you the date and location of the funeral so she can pay her respects. And if they don't feel able to do that, could they give you the location of her grave after the funeral so she can visit. If the answer to that is no, you've done all you can and you may need to help your stepdaughter process a huge betrayal from people she cares for, and give her space to feel however she feels about that. Certainly I don't think I could continue even an acquaintance with someone who had been involved in this.

Yup - this doesn't make sense and @Grabyourpassportandmyhand has articulated the question very well. This stuff doesn't materialise out of thin air.

Can you even have a step-grandmother? 🤔

That’s all very well but she does have to respect the wishes of other people too. Hasn’t she asked, or haven’t you asked why she can’t come? Very regularly close friends do come to funerals, it’s not unusual at all.

But if they really don’t want her there she has to respect their wishes I am afraid.

I also suspect that you might not have the full story to be honest.

I’ve said there’s no backstory, she doesn’t live with her mum though. But no, there’s no backstory.

Yes - Your grandfather's second wife after divorce or your grandmother's death, or your stepmother's mother.

I think I will do this, thank you. I just feel so sad for my stepdaughter though because she genuinely does just want to quietly pay her respects and say goodbye, that’s all she wants to do.

Who does she live with? Can’t she just tell her mum she’s being unreasonable and needs to tell her. Have they told her when it is? Can she follow them?

So this is a 16 year old girl and her grandfather married this woman who thus
became her step grandma, but he died first, now step grandma has died but the new partner is not disclosing funeral details? Have I worked it out?

Is there no other family member who would know and tell her?

She lives with us. She has tried to ask her mum for the details too but she won’t provide them.

If her own mum doesn’t want her there then she needs to leave it and do her own remembrance somewhere else.

I'm confused

So does her mum want her there? Straightforward question.

I think that the partner might be being scapegoated here. If her mum is happy for her to go then there wouldn't be an issue would there? So is her mum happy? If so then the partner doesn't have a leg to stand on. If not, then there is a backstory, whether or not you want to share it.

I'm not being unsympathetic, as I say, if either of my parents ever elected to have a funeral and my sister popped up it would drive me insane, because she is a deeply disrespectful human. But if it were a funeral I couldn't very well keep her away and I would I ask my rugby-playing cousin to keep her contained and distract her so that people could mourn in peace because he's ace.

She clearly isn't wanted there and I don't believe it's 'because she's not family' - sorry but that might have been said to spare blushes, but I don't believe it.

OP, can I ask please, when did your SD last see her grandmother? Did she see her at all after the falling out with her new partner?

Are you her mum's mum? You must know.

Yes, the day before she passed.

Sorry, another question, are you in an area where there are loads of funeral companies, if not, maybe you could try ringing around the ones nearest where she lived? Don't tell them the story of what's going on, just say you're a friend of (name) and have been unable to get in touch with the family, but have heard about her passing and want to go and pay your respects at the funeral. You might strike lucky and find the right place. Just a thought.

Op is her dads partner.

16yo lives with her dad and stepmum. Her mum has a new partner, her stepdad. The step grandma is the stepdads mother. And the partner who doesn’t like her step grans partner

The first sentence of the OP makes it clear.

It’s quite a large town with lots of funeral directors but I’ll try on Monday. It might take a good few phone calls but I will definitely try for her.

Sorry it did get rather tangled up.

It had gone on so long with the drip I couldn't recall the first post in all detail.

I see what you mean. My brain is mangled trying to work out the relationships.