Refusing to provide details of funeral

[TigerandLion]

My stepdaughter, whose beloved step-grandma passed recently, is being refused the funeral details. Her step grandmas new partner before she passed doesn’t consider her to be family and so is refusing to provide her with the funeral details. She’s very upset over her step grandmas passing and would love to attend her funeral to pay her respects and say goodbye. They (her partner) are refusing to give her the funeral details though so she can’t attend if she doesn’t know when or where the funeral is. She’s very upset at the thought of not being able to attend her funeral. AIBU to think it’s cruel of them to refuse to give her the funeral details like this? My stepdaughter is very upset over it and over the thought of not being able to attend the funeral because they won’t give her the funeral details.

It’s a burial.

Not sure why people are talking about a cremation when the OP said it was a funeral? Two very different things.

Call the cemetery. X

Does her step-parent want her to go?

If you look at it neutrally is the partner keeping her away for understandable reasons?

FIL's godson and great nephew was prevented from going to his funeral. He was very upset about it but he'd caused great offence to people much much closer to FIL and they understandably came first. Is the partner simply putting the dead GP's child first?

That's what I was wondering too. Child's wishes come above grandchild's, particularly if they have behaved badly in the past. No answer yet though...

She probably shouldn't go

Is there any reason you know of why the whole family (including adult biological children) are submitting to her boyfriend of relatively short standing's wishes when it comes to this funeral? He almost certainly has no legal right to be making these decisions, and certainly no social right.

I'd it likely to be a church service and graveyard burial? If so see iv you can get a parish newsletter.

Can a non family member ",innocently" ask after step grandma?

I’m struggling to understand the interrelationships here but as a PP flagged, presumably one of the people refusing to provide the funeral details is one of your step-daughter’s natural parents. How can that person be comfortable with excluding their own daughter from the funeral of their step-mother/her step-grandmother? It makes no sense and seems incredibly cruel. Or is the partner excluding everyone who’s not a blood relative? If so, he sounds like a pretty nasty piece of work. And as a PP said, he is also not a blood relative. So it makes no sense.

She hasn’t behaved badly in the past or anything no.

So why won't her mum/dad share the details? Not being goady, genuinely asking. And also (edited to add this) surely the views of her natural parent trump those of the new partner. This is sounding more and more twisted.

Ok so why won’t her own parent or any of the other family members tell her where it is?

@TigerandLion you’re going to need to explain this properly if you want anything out of this thread.

No. There’s no backstory other than her having one argument with her step-grandmas new partner and him not seeing her as family. Her step-grandma always loved her and considered her family. She’s never had any arguments or anything with anyone else in the family besides him.

I don’t know why. Genuinely don’t know why as they’ve not said why to me or stepdaughter. I can only assume because her partner has told them not to.

That's what I'm trying to work out, it sounds like a riddle doesn't it?

@TigerandLion surely if she's 16, she still lives with her mum and step dad, who are attending the funeral?

I think its not your business and you cant fix this. Just tell your daughter that youre not surprised that shes feeling hurt, because its shitty behaviour, and its not her fault.
Tell her that you will have your own memorial and light a candle and talk about her and have a little cry, and that her step grandma loved her just as much as she did her, and that lots of people dont go to funerals at all. Its probably best to just drop it and concentrate on being there for your daughter. Shes upset and feels rejected and excluded, but I think if your exs mum has died, then just let him be.

It seems very vindictive of the DSGM's partner, but if no one in the family will tell her the details, finding them out through some other means and going seems unlikely to be a good idea. Why don't you help her come to terms with her DSGM's passing and pay her respects in some other fashion? Funerals are an accepted way of grieving but they aren't the only or necessary way to mark your love for some one who has passed.

She genuinely does just want to quietly pay her respects and say goodbye as she adored her step-grandma.

That's what I thought too. Leave the partner out of this, he doesn't get to choose above blood relatives, but if her own blood relatives who she lives with aren't giving her the information then it's a different conversation surely? Total riddle.

Actually i don't know who is who?

Blimey. They don’t want her there. Why would she go and potentially cause upset? She needs to respect the family’s wishes.

It is hard to follow.

I can't understand why her own mother would be going along with this?

@TigerandLion is there a backstory with your SD and her mum?

If the closest next of kin don't want her to attend she really has to accept that. Funerals at a crematorium are often live-streamed, is that possible in this case? Would the partner share that link and would that be sufficient for your stepdaughter? There must be a reason why they don't want her there and others who have the funeral details are respecting their choice.

Exactly this.

Even her own parent and step parent don’t want her there. Her wishes don’t trump
theirs.