Refusing to provide details of funeral

[TigerandLion]

My stepdaughter, whose beloved step-grandma passed recently, is being refused the funeral details. Her step grandmas new partner before she passed doesn’t consider her to be family and so is refusing to provide her with the funeral details. She’s very upset over her step grandmas passing and would love to attend her funeral to pay her respects and say goodbye. They (her partner) are refusing to give her the funeral details though so she can’t attend if she doesn’t know when or where the funeral is. She’s very upset at the thought of not being able to attend her funeral. AIBU to think it’s cruel of them to refuse to give her the funeral details like this? My stepdaughter is very upset over it and over the thought of not being able to attend the funeral because they won’t give her the funeral details.

yep - I read the thread.

this child is not wanted at the funeral. That is hurtful but it is a decision made by the deceased’s partner and supported by the deceased’s family .

going against the wishes of the family is a crass thing to do. Putting a child in a position of showing up at funeral where she is not welcome is unforgivable. Trying to engineer a scene at a funeral demonstrates poor judgement or cruelty.

I think your DH needs to communicate with his ex wife and you need to step back. He needs to share with her how hurt his DD is. It is ultimately his ex wife’s job to secure DD’s inclusion in the funeral and any other functions in her husband’s family. It is his job to help DD communicate with her mom. At the least, he needs to negotiate the location of the grave so DD can go pay her respects on a later date.

It seems like you have maternal feelings for your stepdaughter. I don’t know how long you’ve been in her life. It just seems like the relationships in her mother’s side of the family are messy. Your involvement is only going to make it messier. Focus on helping your stepdaughter process her grief and come up with ways she can honor her step grandmother without attending the funeral.

If there is an interest or hobby they shared, offer to do it with her in honor of her step grandmother. Take her to a church to pray. Take her out to step grandmother’s favorite restaurant. Once you know the location of the grave, take her to put some flowers on it. Do not take her to the funeral if her mother and stepfather continue to refuse to provided the information. The ensuing drama will be damaging to her. Commiserate with her over how hurtful it is to be excluded, then show her how to rise above it with dignity.

@Bellyblueboy

"yep - I read the thread.

this child is not wanted at the funeral. That is hurtful but it is a decision made by the deceased’s partner and supported by the deceased’s family .

going against the wishes of the family is a crass thing to do. Putting a child in a position of showing up at funeral where she is not welcome is unforgivable. Trying to engineer a scene at a funeral demonstrates poor judgement or cruelty."

I believe the most unforgivable actions are that of her actual parents who should be supporting their daughter and of course their actions will have ramifications for future relationships.

But the parents do t have any say here. It’s not either of her parents mother that has passed away.

yes it’s nasty - and these are clearly not very nice people. But why push a child into that situation- why Casie a scene when for whatever reason she has been repeatedly told she isn’t welcome.

as someone upthread say - life isn’t an episode of eastenders. Sometimes it’s okay to take the high road.

there is no fight worth having here. The child can celebrate this adults life and have treasured memories without going to the funeral.

I believe the most unforgivable actions are that of her actual parents who should be supporting their daughter and of course their actions will have ramifications for future relationships.

It has nothing to do with her parents though. It's not their mother's funeral. They have no power to say who can and can't go to the funeral. One of the parents isn't related to the deceased lady in any way. Not even by marriage.

Why did you ask the question @TigerandLion ?

As you are clearly ignoring the hundreds of posts telling you that trying to track down a funeral that she has been told she is not welcome at, is the worst possible thing to do.

I didn't vote on Friday, as I felt there was a lot of back story to this whole thing that you won't share. By now, I have voted that YABU.

YABVU to even consider helping her go to a funeral she has a) been clearly told she is not welcome at and b) that her own mother and blood family have specifically said they will not tell her where it is.

YABVVVU to start a thread, refuse to answer anyone's questions, then completely ignore all the advice you have been given.

I re-read the first post and…OP is only focused on the fact that they are being cruel by not sharing the funeral details. YANBU for thinking they are cruel.

OP did not ask if she is BU for looking for the details or helping the DSD show up there uninvited. So, I hope when you both achieve what you want someone comes with an honest update of how bad all went down and how DSD damaged the relationship with her stepfather and her mother. All with your help.

Your DH is in agreement with the you yet he seems to respect a grieving family he is not connected with wishes. Everybody has decided they respect the partner’s wishes and there must be a reason for that.

Why are you so determined to steam roller an entire family and their wishes rather than speak to your stepdaughter about how going isn't appropriate?

You've said there's no backstory, but also that she had a row with her step-gran's partner. This is backstory. What did your SD row with him about?

This grieving man has now decided that he doesn't want your SD at his partner's funeral and he is being very strongly supported in that by everyone around him.

You are hounding a grieving family based on the wishes of one person. Continually pushing, and planning for her to turn up at a funeral where she has been expressly told she is not welcome, will destroy her relationships with the entirely family forever.

You need to teach her that making her step-gran's funeral all about her - which is what you are encouraging her to do - isn't a mature or acceptable way to behave.

This. You've had some good advice on here OP about helping your SD through this. Forcing herself into a situation where she isn't wanted will cause upset at best, an all out scene at worst.
My now retired Dad was an undertaker, and attended a few funerals where they were aware of tensions between family members, and had to prevent escalation. It makes a difficult time so much harder. Please do not encourage your SD to put herself in that position.

You've also been asked several times what the argument between your SD and the partner was about, but haven't answered. Can't help thinking that is the root of it all, and you might be passing something he found very offensive or hurtful off as a 'minor row'.

It sounds like this is just another way to shit stir with his ex wife then.

The daughter arguing with her mother and her step grandad , the stepmom involving herself in other people’s lives, everyone marrying multiple times, it’s an utter shitshow.

It is absolutely not your business to push this.

All that is happening here is more and more drama and upset. The lack of respect for the deceased and her immediate family is shocking.

.

And what would be the point of that? Even if you found where the funeral service is, they won’t let your SD in. All she’ll do is cause stress and upset - and embarrass herself. Is that what she thinks her SGran would want?

Find out the burial place later and she can visit the grave and pay her respects then.

I’ve no idea who is at fault here, but I find the idea of gate-crashing a funeral offensive. Your job should be to reconcile your SDto the fact she can’t attend and to help her find another way to pay her respects.

I still can't work out how OP'S SD and the SD's step-grandma are related.

OP, when did the row between the step gran's partner and your step daughter occur? And what was it about?

It's been explained a few times. Deceased is the 16 year old's mum's second husband's mother. I.e. her step-dad's mother so her step-grandmother.

OP, I get why your DSD is upset. This sort of thing is intensely hurtful. But I fear she will be a lot more upset if you manage to find out when and where the funeral is, she turns up, and is then told to get out because - as you have all been told already - she isn't welcome. Best to leave it.

This is so cruel. She could try calling local funeral directors to find out the time. However if the family are being this hostile it may be better not to go, at least not alone.

Would you really turn up at a funeral when you had been repeatedly told you weren’t welcome?

I know it takes all sorts, but I can’t imagine ever doing this. Unless it was the funeral of an immediate family member. It doesn’t matter who is right or wrong, the entire family has said this teenager is not welcome. Yes it’s low, but this lady should not be encouraging her step daughter to go lower.

An appeal to authority might work: see if she'll talk to her from tutor or equivalent at school/ college and if they or another member of pastoral staff is willing to try to talk to the bereaved partner.

There's all sorts of layers here; turning up when you aren't wanted is generally bad but not wanting a teenager to attend a funeral of somebody she was close to is equally bad if not worse. Perhaps the bereaved partner needs to be reminded that he's not the only grieving person and the step granddaughter is still a child possibly experiencing grief for the first time and excluding children from rituals around death doesn't help. (Could it be that? The partner doesn't want her to come because she's a child and funerals are horrible?)

If she does end up going, she'd be well advised to take you or another supportive person with her.

This is a lovely idea.

This is spiteful and mean. She wants to pay her respects to a woman she lived and who loved her.

Shame on them.

I do hope she finds out the details, but obviously if she doesn't, she could hold a vigile anywhere in respect of the step grandma.

Ring around the local funeral homes, once you find the one who is handling the funeral they will give you the details.

Tell her to remember her loved one in a different way

No, it's not. A funeral can be either a cremation or a burial.

A funeral is a ceremony that honors the deceased, while burial and cremation are two different ways to dispose of the body.

I think it's unreasonable of you to try and encourage/aid your stepdaughter in attending the funeral, against the wishes of what seems to be the entire family. I've given up trying to work out how DSD is connected to her 'step grandma' but ultimately it doesn't really matter - for whatever reason, your DSD is not welcome at the funeral. What that reason is, you either don't know or are refusing to share.

As many pp's have suggested, there are numerous ways DSD can pay her respects and say her goodbyes. Attending the funeral is not one of them.

What we know is that the DSD had a vicious row with the deceased’s partner recently. We don’t know what about but it’s not beyond the bounds of possible that this row happened on the last visit to the deceased and that the step grandma was also upset by what was said. Also not impossible that the DSD was hugely insensitive both in the timing and content of what was said. I think we can all work out from this thread that the DSD is pretty self centred with the hide of a rhino and zero empathy.

So if granny’s final few days were marred by DSD’s poor behaviour and lack of self control I can completely see why she would be persona non grata with the whole family and not welcome at the funeral. A harsh lesson for her that actions have consequences. And one which she will double down on if she tries to gate crash the funeral and is thrown out or just ostracised on the day.

This isn’t mean or spiteful at all - just the actual mourners protecting their own wellbeing on a painful day and wanting to avoid a three ring circus with an immature teen who can’t hold her tongue when she should and who has a less close relationship with the deceased than her partner and actual blood relatives do.