Refusing to provide details of funeral

[TigerandLion]

My stepdaughter, whose beloved step-grandma passed recently, is being refused the funeral details. Her step grandmas new partner before she passed doesn’t consider her to be family and so is refusing to provide her with the funeral details. She’s very upset over her step grandmas passing and would love to attend her funeral to pay her respects and say goodbye. They (her partner) are refusing to give her the funeral details though so she can’t attend if she doesn’t know when or where the funeral is. She’s very upset at the thought of not being able to attend her funeral. AIBU to think it’s cruel of them to refuse to give her the funeral details like this? My stepdaughter is very upset over it and over the thought of not being able to attend the funeral because they won’t give her the funeral details.

If it is her step dad's mum thats died and her step dad is willing to honour his mum's partners wishes than really thats the end of it. It's sad and very hard on her and I certainly wouldn't exclude a child, but it's her step dad's call, not hers. If her step dad won't give her the information she shouldn't be going.

Please just leave it, OP. There had to be a reason why she is ' banned'. Can you imagine what it will be like if everyone knows that reason and she arrives? People in a state of grief anyway and then the banned person arrives, causing more grief?

Rather than forcing things believing she has a right to attend perhaps use this experience to teach your DSD how to be resilient when going through difficult times.

If it hurts - it isn't love. Instead of increasing her feelings of being 'left out' it might be wise to set aside a special day where you both can remember the love that step grandma has for her. [I don't believe love dies when the person dies]

From your lack of response is seems almost as though you wish to rock the boat rather than helping her manage her expectations. Sometimes we are unable to do the things we want to do & learning to accept that is a valuable skill.

As it’s a burial if you can find out where the internment is, she could always quietly pay her respects at the grave in the days after the funeral.

So the last time she saw step grandmother was the day before she died. Is that when the argument occured? If so it sounds a bit raw. What was the argument about? Could step grandmother's partner be blaming your step daughter for added stress if step grandmother was ill?

It sounds like they really don’t want her there. Even her own mother won’t tell her the details. Why would she want to go in those circumstances?

The best thing would be to find out the burial place so she could go along to the grave after the burial and pay her respects there.

Everyone on this thread rn..

TBH, I think I would just leave it. Can you imagine the hostility if she attended? Find out where she is being buried and go after or the next day so she can have a private moment and lay some flowers.

As no one has told her why they won't pass on the details, why are you assuming it is the new partner of step grandma's decision rather than her step dad's.
She doesn't live with step dad which suggests complicated family dynamics already.

If she isn't welcome at the ceremony then I think it is selfish of her to attend. Would step grandma want an argument at her burial?

If the whole family is willing to go to such lengths to keep her away maybe she should just stay away.
Find another way to honour her memory.

I laughed at this!

It sounds like early days for your DSD. I'd give her time to process her grief. Then I would quietly talk with her about how she can pay her respects. Is there a special place for the 2 of them? A park they visited together or something linked to her step-grandmother's interest. Could you visit the place, talk about her memories (she could write something or draw a picture) and listen to some music?

I understand she is hurt, particularly by her own mum not sharing. However a funeral is tough anyway, let alone at 16 when you feel unwanted. Is pushing this going to help your DSD process her grief or make things more complicated. Her step-grandmother loved her and she saw her just before she died, which are the important things.

A funeral is a service that takes place when someone’s died. Some funerals involve a burial, some involve cremation. Both variations may take place in church initially then move to a crematorium or cemetery for the cremation / burial.

Why won’t she provide them?

If it's a burial I'd call up.all the churches/crematoriums in that area, and enquire.

Why do posters on here do this?! Give a vague account of a situation that clearly has much more back story. When questioned directly about this they refuse to answer. In this scenario you're refusing to give details about how exactly the step grandmother is linked to your sd, about why she doesn't live with her mum and whether there's been any previous upset. You've vaguely alluded to a disagreement. However no clue as to whether this is over sd bringing muddy footprints into the house/turning mum's house into a crack den or something in between. I really don't believe the whole family (including sd's own mum?) Would be going to such lengths to keep her away without a significant back story. If you're not prepared to share this a little then nobody can help you or give their opinion so what was the point in starting this thread?

I’d also add that funerals can be private. Most have family members at the door giving out the order of service/memorial booklet. They’re hardly going to let in this girl if the family don’t want her there. She’d just be causing stress and upset to others, as well as to herself.

The whole idea of finding out the funeral details of a funeral where the family don’t want you there sits wrong with me.

It could be an even more upsetting situation for her if she was to turn up and be made to feel unwelcome or unwanted in person.

It may not be fair, or right, but focus on finding another way she can grieve and pay her respects.

I was abroad when my Uncle died and was buried, so at the same time as the funeral, I went somewhere beautiful and spent time reflecting on him and our relationship over the years.

Maybe if you know the date and time you could help her do this?

I have a step grandma but I don’t have any step parents. My grandfather remarried after divorcing my grandmother.

Yes , I'm one. My partner has grandchildren with his late wife.
Don't know if it's an official title though.

Agree with this. If it's a burial it'll be better for her to visit the grave afterwards, rather than risk unpleasantness if she just turns up to the funeral.

You've mentioned she had a row with her SGM new partner - what was that about? I'm guessing that's the crux of it.

If there truly is no back story, then the step grandmother's partner sounds like a nasty bit of work. If she turns up at the funeral despite him not wanting her there, things could become extremely unpleasant. Which is perhaps why her step-dad and mum won't give her the details. She would be better off paying her respects in a different way, and as someone else suggested, if you can find out where the burial took place, she can visit the grave at a later date.

Your poor DSD. This is really hard, I’d hate to think of her attending and being on the receiving end of hostility.

For a plan b, could you attend a local
church on the day of the funeral. Sit for a while and think about her Grandma and light a remembrance candle? I know it isn’t the same but might help her feel like she got to say goodbye in a respectful way.

We were unable to attend the funeral of a dear friend so we lit a candle, spent time in reflection at our local church and went for a meal where we drank to her memory. I suggest you do something similar with your daughter. It will give her more consolation than attending an event where it’s been made plain she isn’t welcome.

Sometimes, local paper list deaths, usually with undertaker's details. She could look in a back copy for the week after her GM death.