Refusing to provide details of funeral

[TigerandLion]

My stepdaughter, whose beloved step-grandma passed recently, is being refused the funeral details. Her step grandmas new partner before she passed doesn’t consider her to be family and so is refusing to provide her with the funeral details. She’s very upset over her step grandmas passing and would love to attend her funeral to pay her respects and say goodbye. They (her partner) are refusing to give her the funeral details though so she can’t attend if she doesn’t know when or where the funeral is. She’s very upset at the thought of not being able to attend her funeral. AIBU to think it’s cruel of them to refuse to give her the funeral details like this? My stepdaughter is very upset over it and over the thought of not being able to attend the funeral because they won’t give her the funeral details.

I would not encourage her to go anyway because it doesn't sound like it would be a peaceful quiet time for her to pay her respects if people are actively not wanting her there, both her own mum and the generation above. I would encourage her to light a candle and do her own remembrance.

It's good to go in most circumstances, but this sounds like she would be better off protected from and the emotions of it all are running very high. It's not ideal and it's a shame but she may need protecting more than encouraging.

I have one, my biological grandad's wife. My mum's parents got divorced and remarried other people before I was born.

I guess if your child took on a stepchild it would also make you a step grandma too, so there's two ways to have one.

Op if it's a burial I'd find out where the grave is going to be so she can go separately and say her goodbyes after the funeral.

Honestly, my brain was doing somersaults!

Ok so does she see her mum much? I just can't fathom how her mum would go along with this for a stupid reason like "she's not family" if her step dad's mum treated her as a GC.

Why haven't her mum and SD pushed back on this. I know you probably can't answer that, it's just craziness to me if she has a good relationship with everyone but the partner. If she had a good relationship with the step grandma and a good relationship with her SD, then her partner shouldn't be banning her because they had an argument once.

But now I have got to grips with it...

Her mum has a partner - stepdad - and it's his mum... right?

So he has a right - as the child of his mum - you've made out in your original post that he's getting in the way of something, it's HIS mum. FFS.

Unless this spaghetti family tree has eluded me because it's stupidly confusing when you could have been honest from the start and you weren't.

I think you'd be wrong to encourage her to go.
What's going to happen if she goes?
Emotions are high at funerals anyway and huge potential for failings out even when they're happy for all to be there.

It's not just the partner not wanting her there, everyone else is going along with it, and I very much doubt the family would have contacted the step-granddaughter's step-mother to explain a back story. So saying there isn't one, means you don't know one, not that there isn't one.

If she turns up against wishes, it's unlikely to be comfortable for her and there's a reasonable chance she'll have burnt her boats for other things with that side of the family. She's most likely to end up feeling very hurt.

Why don't you ask if they're filming it. It's quite common nowadays. She can watch it at her leisure without hurt feelings and feeling on display. There may be an option to watch live, or watch later. A lot of places do that now.

Don’t try and go. There’s the potential for her to be asked to leave and/or an argument, which would be worse for a teenager. Instead I suggest going somewhere nice and having a quiet sit and think of grandma. Lay down some flowers. You don’t need to be in the presence of the casket to acknowledge her. Grandma knew what she thought of the girl, hold onto that.

I find your answers to be short and you don't seem to fully answer what's asked. If the deceased woman's daughter (the mother of your step daughter?) is not willing to say to the deceased's partner my daughter will be attending and tell her the location then I think she should not attend. If no one is prepared to tell her where it is - then I think she needs to take the hint.
She can always find out later where she is buried and say a private goodbye.
I see no benefit in a 16 year old sitting alone - isolated when bereaved.

My dad died recently and his new family didn't tell me the date or time of the funeral. They also banned me and my sibling from visiting him in hospice as he died. He hasn't bothered with us in nearly 14 years but it was still a bit hard to take. If she wants to, she can say goodbye to her grandma in her own way.

Right?! Thank you.

But WHY? Even if you find it she’s just going to get a really frosty reception or worse get into a row. It could be really distressing for her, let alone the rest of the family. You need to be the adult here and tell her to respect their wishes. You’re doing her no favours turning into a low rent Miss Marple.

My local crematorium (& cemetery) post a diary of services for the next 6 weeks, on their website.

It's the step grandma's new partner that has the issue not the step dad, I think.

Take your SD somewhere peaceful with some flowers, a photo and a candle and have a little memorial service for her SGM together. She can grieve without the stress and bitterness.

After a few weeks, she can find out where her SGM is buried and lay flowers and say goodbye on her grave then.

Sorry her mother won’t tell her and doesn’t want her daughter there?

Is there no public announcement? Could she ring round the local funeral directors? Or check their websites?

Thank you, that's helpful. I'm not entirely sure I know who I am at this point in time!

But one of those posts where you go in with good intentions and then drip, drip, drip until the ACTUAL reveal.

After people on here have given kind and decent advice. It's rude actually.

If it’s her step grandma, I’m assuming she’s the parent of a step parent. And it is the step parent who’s not passing on details.

Also I do feel for your daughter but I do also see the point that she’s not immediate family- if as we’ve guessed she is the daughter of the lady’s son’s new partner who doesn’t live with the son. Maybe the issue is that if they let her come they’d have to extend it to other toxic relatives who they really don’t want to invite?

Either way however bad your daughter feels the son/ kids of the step grandma will be feeling at least as bad/ if not worse- they don’t want the funeral turned into a row.

Sounds to me more like you’re trying to prove a point about the daughter’s mum- that she’s crap because she won’t hand over the details. In any event I think you getting over involved is only likely to make things worse.

Yes, think you posted before reading the whole thread if you're quoting me from 10 minutes ago.

So the question is why isn't the step parent passing on the details isn't it? Hasn't been answered and their choice should come above the step granddaughter.

What? Everyone I know who's been cremated has had a funeral at the crem. Are you trying to make some kind of weird pedantic point?

I've been to seven cremations, none of them have been funerals. Sounds like you are the pedant?

And a bit derailing, what has your comment to do with situation at hand?

I've been to several funerals held at crematoriums. You are being pedantic

I think it would be a really bad idea for her to just turn up, having found out the details.

If family relationships are bad enough that her mum won’t tell her, they’re bad enough for someone to kick off at her for turning up. That will make everything so much worse.

I think it’s fair enough for you to try and reach out to someone reasonable to turn this around. But if you can’t, help her to have her own little service of remembrance - plant a tree, blow bubbles, float boats on a river, tell nice stories about the step grandmother in front of a photo of her - whatever works for her.

Sorry how is my life experience pedantic?