Refusing to provide details of funeral

[TigerandLion]

My stepdaughter, whose beloved step-grandma passed recently, is being refused the funeral details. Her step grandmas new partner before she passed doesn’t consider her to be family and so is refusing to provide her with the funeral details. She’s very upset over her step grandmas passing and would love to attend her funeral to pay her respects and say goodbye. They (her partner) are refusing to give her the funeral details though so she can’t attend if she doesn’t know when or where the funeral is. She’s very upset at the thought of not being able to attend her funeral. AIBU to think it’s cruel of them to refuse to give her the funeral details like this? My stepdaughter is very upset over it and over the thought of not being able to attend the funeral because they won’t give her the funeral details.

@Katrinawaves well said. This is a young lady being shown to disrespect other people boundaries.

the step mother seems to think the feelings on one trump the feelings of many. Dreadful life lesson. I can’t help but think OP’s motives for getting in the middle of this aren’t exactly pure.

Well said

This is spiteful and mean. She wants to pay her respects to a woman she lived and who loved her.

@Dibbydoos we have no idea this is the case.
The OP has given a very on-sided version and refused to engage with any poster who has asked for clarification.
There is no way this situation is the way the OP is trying to present it.

My DDs and I couldn’t attend their paternal Grandmothers funeral. She died during Covid & their father and I are acrimoniously divorced. This summer we walked past her old house to the park she used to walk her dog I every day. We nailed an engraved plaque that we had made to a tree overlooking the walking loop and planted some flowers around the roots. We all said our own individual goodbyes. It was very emotional & my DDs felt that they had closure and had honoured who she was to them. We don’t have to say our goodbyes formally and we don’t need to be where we might feel uncomfortable or unwelcome OP.

Your step daughter doesn’t have a good relationship with her own mother by the sounds of things…. The step dad and mum excluding her deliberately from this funeral….
In your shoes I’d be discouraging her from attending, she clearly isn’t wanted there
ans will likely get a frosty reception if she manages to find out when it is and turns up!
I would buy some rose petals and go to a place where your step daughter feels a connection to her DSGM & read out a little verse and sprinkle the petals there…
mits up to your DSD what she does about contact with her mother & step family going forward… I don’t think I could ever speak to any of them again if I were her!!

Think you’ve got that wrong?! It’s the young ladies mothers husbands mothers… so literally the step daughters step dads mum
that has died… it’s not a parents ex’s mothers but a parents current partners mother… so her mother absolutely could and should be saying that her partner/husband should be including his step daughter and overriding the deceaseds partners tantrum at a 16 year old child!!

Tbf we don't actually know if the mother and stepfather are still together.

I'm more perplexed about how the OP knows members of her DH's ex-wife's partner/ex-partner's family to be able to harass them for details. My dad barely knew my mum's details never mind his second-wife knowing my mum's second-husband's family. People need to stay in their lanes!

Small "only close family" funerals are very common now. I would leave it OP. Your SD isn't close family. I'm not certain as it's confusing but they may not even be related. Have a different rememberance another day just her and your DH( and maybe you)

She could telephone the crem and churches in the area just say she wanted to check the time, she should not give the back story, could say she has to deliver flowers and mislaid the details

And leap out and the mourners yelling ‘gottcha’?

Dreadful idea.

A distant relative of mine had a funeral recently for immediate family only -and a very small number of close, close friends. Only some of the grandchildren were there, there were four step children - they were not considered by the widow to be family. Harsh but there you have it.

I heard only ten people. It was unusual in our circle and raised many eyebrows. But what the widow wanted. No one turned detective to track down the funeral details and turn up unwanted or uninvited.

Was she her grandmother or step grandmother, it's a shame he doesn't want her there but you could support her by holding a private and quiet reflection, she can say a few words and that will feel more personal and special to her, there's no point in pushing it anymore, he doesn't want her there, it's only causing upset for everyone.

Really, it is extremely rude to go to a funeral where those more closely related have said they don't want you there.
Please do not go!

She's not wanted at the funeral, you're not helping.

And leap out and the mourners yelling ‘gottcha’?

😂😂😂😂😂🤣

What was the argument about? I think that’s the crucial thing here.

Was she acting in defence and it was down to the emotions of a sad teenager about to lose someone she is close to, or was there another level of spite or disrespect?

“You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my grandad”

“You can’t say that, Nigel, it’s transphobic/racist/sexist. I’ll report you to the police”

”You're not part of this family and everyone hates you - you’re killing my grandma!”

What happened OP?

Of course you can have one!

My older DD is not my husband's daughter but his mother (my late MIL) was her step-grandmother and my younger DD's blood grandmother. However no one was trying to exclude my older DD from her step-grandmother's funeral. This would have been unthinkable and twisted as my MIL regarded both her DGD's as just the same even though she was only the blood relative of the younger one.

The difference here is that my husband would not have entertained the idea of his stepdaughter being excluded from his DM's funeral by a recent partner! I simply cannot understand why the actual child of the dead lady (and step parent of the girl in question) would not want the girl who loved and was loved by her grandmother at the funeral, regardless of the dictates of the recent partner. The partner's are not the only feelings worthy of consideration here.

I simply cannot understand why the actual child of the dead lady (and step parent of the girl in question) would not want the girl who loved and was loved by her grandmother at the funeral, regardless of the dictates of the recent partner. The partner's are not the only feelings worthy of consideration here.

That will be connected to the fact that we have only one tiny bit of the story here, and only told from one person's perspective.
You are thinking of your situation. Clearly, there is a lot going on here that the OP has chosen not to tell us. Which is fine - no-one needs their family history broadcast on the internet - but equally, there is a LOT more to the whole situation than someone saying something sill in the heat of the moment at an emotional time. Even just starting with the fact the teenager does not live with her mum, even part time.

@Naepalz

I simply cannot understand why the actual child of the dead lady (and step parent of the girl in question) would not want the girl who loved and was loved by her grandmother at the funeral, regardless of the dictates of the recent partner. The partner's are not the only feelings worthy of consideration here.

Maybe the teenager's step parent has his own reasons for not wanting her there.
All we know is

1. She argued with the partner
2. She doesn't live with her mother
3. No one wants to tell her the funeral details
4. Step mother doesn't want to show respect to the family

There is so much more to it.

Presumably, as she is only 16, she still lives with the step parents? I find it odd that they can live in the same house and still keep this information from her without letting it slip. Equally if she did attend now, I think she would find it very awkward as she would be made to feel like an outcast? I think she might be better waiting and visiting the cemetery, with flowers after the funeral

Step Mum and father are the ones digging to find out. She doesn't live with her mum and step dad who we believe the step gran was related to. We'll probably never know as OP won't say

I had a step grandmother and she was the only one I ever knew. My maternal grandma died in her 40s so my grandfather remarried well before I was born.
I remember being upset at the funeral about how we (grandchildren, ) were referred too.