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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find it rude when people call me ND/autistic/ADHD?

199 replies

OneStop99 · 04/10/2024 13:10

I've created a throw away account because this is quite personal.

Throughout my life people have assumed that I'm neurodivergent. I often get called autistic/ADHD etc even though I have never been diagnosed and do not believe I am. Even my closest friends have used terms such as 'indigo child'. My best friend often calls me a xxxxxx (removed as causes offence) said lightheartedly and with no malice.

I really don't understand why people make that assumption about me. The only things that come to mind are:

  • I can't sit through a film (it's not my thing, I prefer watching series of I do watch TV which is rarely)
  • I am academic (straight A*s at GCSE & took A levels early) but I don't really see why that matters
  • I don't always get other people's jokes, I don't know why that is, I tend to be quite literal and people don't always understand my humour. I am quite ironic and funnily enough people take my jokes literally when they are in fact jokes 🤣
  • people have commented on sensory issues but I mean, no one likes the feel of wet sand, or certain fabrics etc. Everyone is going to be irritated by an high pitched noise, very bright white lights, and I think a lot of neurotypical people get overwhelmed in a hot and busy shopping centre. To me these seem normal aversions rather than sensory issues.
  • I am happy to eat the same meal over and over again until I get bored then will switch to something else. I go through phases. I find it takes the stress away, don't have to think about meal planning, I like to know what I'm having. I know it might seem strange to eat chicken broccoli and rice every night for 2 months but I do have a balanced diet even if it is a bit samey
  • I get very focused on a particular hobby, I really put everything into it, then will switch to something else for a while. If I focus on one thing at a time I make better progress and kind of rotate between different things.
  • make quite impulsive decisions. But hey, life is too short.
  • can be pretty full on (hyper)
  • I like repetitive tasks..I find it relaxing.
  • I guess I'm just a free spirit, I don't try to fit in.

Reasons why I don't think Im ND

  • I am able to empathise with others
  • I consider myself quite a sociable person
  • I don't have melt downs etc. I'm actually very tolerant/chilled outt And there are very few things that actually bother me

-able to live with others no problem
-dont feel like I struggle with anything such as time keeping (always on time), planning (Im good at planning if there is a reason to do so) or socially

  • was an early talker, no communication difficulties when I was younger

Sorry for the long post. I guess my question is am I completely delusional? Or do you think it's rude to call someone ND when they do not have a diagnosis/ are not self diagnosed?

***DISCLAIMER - I really do not want to cause offense by this. I don't think ND is a bad thing at all! In fact I think some of the best minds are neurodivergent. The thing that has rattled me is being labelled when I do not believe there is a basis for it. I also think it is unfair to people who are ND and genuinely struggle.

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 04/10/2024 13:12

The word you have used in your second paragraph is highly offensive.

SweetSakura · 04/10/2024 13:14

MrsSkylerWhite · 04/10/2024 13:12

The word you have used in your second paragraph is highly offensive.

Agreed. Op I don't know if you can edit?

Nina1013 · 04/10/2024 13:15

Honestly, you do sound neurodiverse.

Equally, if I’m being totally honest, the way you have listed out your argument makes you seem even more so.

If your ‘quirks’ (as we call them in our neurodiverse extended family) are such that other people notice them enough to openly tell you they think you’re neurodiverse, they must come across pretty obviously, because honestly in our experience it isn’t something that gets picked up on anywhere near as much as it should.

loropianalover · 04/10/2024 13:16

I’ve reported your post for the word used at the beginning.

mushpush · 04/10/2024 13:17

You've listed a lot of traits that can be displayed by ND people! I too display those traits and am ND - I also don't struggle with the things you don't struggle with. There's so many different types of ND that not everyone is the same, it's a broad category covering lots of people with lots of different needs.

If you don't want them to call you that then tell them - it's rude if they continue to make comments about you that you're not happy with!

Original poster
OneStop99 · 04/10/2024 13:17

@SweetSakura @MrsSkylerWhite edited original post. Sorry, did not mean to cause offence.

OP posts:
MiddleAgedDread · 04/10/2024 13:17

Just because you don't have a diagnosis doesn't mean you aren't ND (and I say that as someone who sees themself in most of the things you mention above, apart from the maybe the jokes thing!)

Marian220 · 04/10/2024 13:18

The points you have made to evidence you aren’t ND don’t apply to all ND people, so you can still have those traits and be ND.

there are stereotypes that ND aren’t empathetic etc but I know several ND individuals personally who are empathetic and have a strong (albeit small) friendship group

Herecomestreble1 · 04/10/2024 13:18

I'm going to hold your hand when I say this...

PurpleJammyDodgers · 04/10/2024 13:19

I think I am and would be really upset if someone commented on it.
I am very shy and self conscious, anxious, get annoyed by loud noises, always too hot or cold. Amazing memory. I am sure people do see it in me but unless I ask for opinions then it's none of their business.

Blobblobblob · 04/10/2024 13:20

She's used quotation marks and explained that this is a term people are calling her. To my mind they are being offensive and she's reporting how others have been bullying her, essentially. Which isn't nice and I don't think she should be silenced for telling what happens to her.

The main issue here is that so called friends see fit to label and insult the OP for being herself.

She needs better friends.

SereneFish · 04/10/2024 13:20

Nina1013 · 04/10/2024 13:15

Honestly, you do sound neurodiverse.

Equally, if I’m being totally honest, the way you have listed out your argument makes you seem even more so.

If your ‘quirks’ (as we call them in our neurodiverse extended family) are such that other people notice them enough to openly tell you they think you’re neurodiverse, they must come across pretty obviously, because honestly in our experience it isn’t something that gets picked up on anywhere near as much as it should.

Oh ffs.

OP the kind of people you're describing are all over MN, as you've already seen. By the end of this thread you'll probably have been told you have autism, ADHD, PDA, and god knows what else. I'd hide it now if I were you, and develop some stock response to the socially illiterate people who call you these things to your face.

Original poster
OneStop99 · 04/10/2024 13:20

@loropianalover I've edited the original post to remove the offensive word.

OP posts:
Foxblue · 04/10/2024 13:21

I think it's rude for people to be commenting! If a close friend said to you once 'hey, I think you might be neurodiverse' that's one thing, but to keep going on about it (and using offensive words...)

While there are things that jump out to me in your post that make me think you might be ND (as I do those things too and I suspect I am) if you don't think it affects your life in any meaningful way and you have no desire to seek an answer then I don't see what it has to do with anyone else!
Now, are you doing things that impact other people would be my question, maybe that's why it keeps coming up?

Original poster
OneStop99 · 04/10/2024 13:22

SereneFish · 04/10/2024 13:20

Oh ffs.

OP the kind of people you're describing are all over MN, as you've already seen. By the end of this thread you'll probably have been told you have autism, ADHD, PDA, and god knows what else. I'd hide it now if I were you, and develop some stock response to the socially illiterate people who call you these things to your face.

Show quote history

If you have any stock phrases, would be grateful as it is really starting to get to me!

OP posts:
IhateSPSS · 04/10/2024 13:22

I don't think anyone, friends, family, acquaintances, colleagues should be diagnosing/suggesting that anyone has got particular conditions. The only people who should be diagnosing are people who are trained to do so. It's a terrible condition of the modern age to pathologise everything and everyone if you aren't trained to do so. No idea if you are ND, we don't have the full picture. But I wish people would just quit with the 'Have you considered that you might be ND?' it is very rude and inappropriate YANBU there OP.

Anisty · 04/10/2024 13:23

Well - if they are calling you that and you are clearly not happy about it, i think they also have issues as NT people can easily tell when they have offended someone and they would apologise and not repeat it.

Don't hang about with folks that insult you. Life is too short.

SemiFat · 04/10/2024 13:23

It's rude, dumb and ignorant for others to say you are ND OP. Your best friends is weird as hell for calling your a derogatory word, are they really a friend? It sounds to me like they're trying to put you in your place. You may or may not be ND, if you have concerns, you can start with self tests. I love the feeling of wet sand but hate loud noises. I couldn't eat the same meal over and over. Whether you are or are not ND, look after yourself and work on your assertiveness. Thanks

Needmorelego · 04/10/2024 13:24

Maybe say something like -
"Maybe I am, maybe I'm not.... does it matter?"
(also get better friends if they call you that M-word)

ASimpleLampoon · 04/10/2024 13:24

No it's not rude to suggest to someone they may be ND, as there is nothing wrong with being ND.

Also FYI ND people can have empathy and can be sociable and live with others. I do and have an official medical diagnosis (Also an early talker fwiw)

FoxtrotOscarKindaDay · 04/10/2024 13:25

Austisic people are not inherently without empathy!

Some ASD children actually start talking early, don't struggle to communicate and are academically high achievers.

Planning and making sure to be on time is a coping mechanism for a lot of autistic people too. The ability to plan is not exclusive to NT people.

You may think you are social, but you don't get some jokes, have your friends told you that you miss other social cues? Just because you are social doesn't mean you can't also have ASD. Women are often late diagnosed because they mask so well.

HairyToity · 04/10/2024 13:25

I don't like crowds either... If I knew you I'd probably describe you as quirky. I always think people are normal when I meet them, and then when I really get to know them, they are quirky! I'm quirky too, as is my husband, parents and children.. Most people are! Ignore the people who want to label you.

Tiredalwaystired · 04/10/2024 13:25

Honestly? Even within one post I would agree with your friends.

My cousin is 100% on the autism spectrum but I know he wouldn’t take it well if we ever mentioned it to him. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t have ASD though.

Soubriquet · 04/10/2024 13:26

For years I was adamant I couldn’t be ND. But as time goes on, I have to admit that yes I probably am, and I actually have a doctors appointment next week to get the ball rolling.

I have sensory issues. I cannot touch certain fabrics. Microfibre for example sends me spiralling. I can’t wear flip flops cos they go in between my toes. I have huge food issues which causes me to have ARFID. I get meltdowns at times too and a few people have commented that they think I’m ND. It’s not a bad thing. It’s just who you are and having a “label” as such could help in the long run

SonicTheHodgeheg · 04/10/2024 13:27

The word that your so called friend uses is highly offensive and you are very unreasonable to say that it’s without malice.

You sound neurodiverse which isn’t a bad thing.

You have assumed what neurodiversity looks like when it’s often very different for women. For example neurodiverse people can be extremely empathetic to the extent that they get into a muddle trying to please everyone.

I live with a neurodiverse teen and his issues present in a way that doesn’t make it hard to live with him.

Your problem is your “friends”. If you’ve told them that you’re not neurodiverse but they still go on about it then they aren’t being good friends.