To find it rude when people call me ND/autistic/ADHD?

[OneStop99]

I've created a throw away account because this is quite personal.

Throughout my life people have assumed that I'm neurodivergent. I often get called autistic/ADHD etc even though I have never been diagnosed and do not believe I am. Even my closest friends have used terms such as 'indigo child'. My best friend often calls me a xxxxxx (removed as causes offence) said lightheartedly and with no malice.

I really don't understand why people make that assumption about me. The only things that come to mind are:

• I can't sit through a film (it's not my thing, I prefer watching series of I do watch TV which is rarely)

• I am academic (straight A*s at GCSE & took A levels early) but I don't really see why that matters

• I don't always get other people's jokes, I don't know why that is, I tend to be quite literal and people don't always understand my humour. I am quite ironic and funnily enough people take my jokes literally when they are in fact jokes 🤣

• people have commented on sensory issues but I mean, no one likes the feel of wet sand, or certain fabrics etc. Everyone is going to be irritated by an high pitched noise, very bright white lights, and I think a lot of neurotypical people get overwhelmed in a hot and busy shopping centre. To me these seem normal aversions rather than sensory issues.

• I am happy to eat the same meal over and over again until I get bored then will switch to something else. I go through phases. I find it takes the stress away, don't have to think about meal planning, I like to know what I'm having. I know it might seem strange to eat chicken broccoli and rice every night for 2 months but I do have a balanced diet even if it is a bit samey

• I get very focused on a particular hobby, I really put everything into it, then will switch to something else for a while. If I focus on one thing at a time I make better progress and kind of rotate between different things.

• make quite impulsive decisions. But hey, life is too short.

• can be pretty full on (hyper)

• I like repetitive tasks..I find it relaxing.

• I guess I'm just a free spirit, I don't try to fit in.

Reasons why I don't think Im ND

• I am able to empathise with others
• I consider myself quite a sociable person
• I don't have melt downs etc. I'm actually very tolerant/chilled outt And there are very few things that actually bother me

-able to live with others no problem
-dont feel like I struggle with anything such as time keeping (always on time), planning (Im good at planning if there is a reason to do so) or socially

• was an early talker, no communication difficulties when I was younger

Sorry for the long post. I guess my question is am I completely delusional? Or do you think it's rude to call someone ND when they do not have a diagnosis/ are not self diagnosed?

***DISCLAIMER - I really do not want to cause offense by this. I don't think ND is a bad thing at all! In fact I think some of the best minds are neurodivergent. The thing that has rattled me is being labelled when I do not believe there is a basis for it. I also think it is unfair to people who are ND and genuinely struggle.

You can still be ND with the things you've described you do/don't do

OP thinks it's rude for others to suggest she's autistic.

OP doesnt seem to understand that being so ignorant and perpetuating inaccurate stereotypes of what characteristics autistic people must have is even more rude.

I have zero time or sympathy for the OP for this reason. It's massively hypocritical. The double standards are not a good look for the OP.

@RedToothBrush with respect, I think you've missed my point. I am annoyed that people feel it is appropriate to tease and 'armchair diagnose' me based on certain behaviours/aspects of my personality etc. The people who do this are doing so based of stereotypes which may be unfair but are nevertheless widespread. I am in some ways going against the grain by saying people can have traits typically associated with ASD without being Neurodivergent and there are many different reasons for this. I think it is unfair on people who are ND and struggle. Regardless of whether I am or am not ND, it is inappropriate, that is my business and my business alone.

I apologise if I have somehow offended you. There are many other reasons why I believe I am not ND. I am not a expert and have never claimed to be so yes my understanding is based on common knowledge and stereotypes. I have tried to remain as respectful as possible and I have said multiple times it is not my intention to cause offence. I will openly admit looking back that my OP may come across as ignorant to someone who knows more about ASD. Ultimately it's a sensitive subject for many people.

I have not missed the point.

You are happy to turn around from your armchair saying that people can not be autistic if they have certain traits.

You have suggested it is offensive to be labelled as ND too.

You are utterly tone deaf as to why this might be problematic.

You perpetuating stereotypes is worse than others suggesting you might be ND. Why? Because you are helping to increase ignorance and stigma about what should be an open conversation.

Your words on MN have a broad target, whether as some suggesting your manner might be autistic is just at you.

What ever is making them think you are autistic, means they think you have a manner which isn't necessarily particularly sociable/potentially is problematic.

I would suggest from that - and your close minded responses here - you reflect on this.

"a nutter" there's that stigma rearing its head.

What are you talking about?
Have you read my other posts?
I've explicitly said the opposite of half the things you accused me of suggesting.

Being offended by the suggestion is a result of stigma, yes. That was my original point. But there's no need to perpetuate it. Unless you prefer to be ignorant I guess.

I think the best way to avoid causing offense is to educate yourself rather then to cite other's ignorance to excuse your own. It's not 'common knowledge' if it is wrong, it is a common misconception like the low empathy, no interest in socialising, meltdowns, poor time keeping etc.

I do think it is odd that so many people tell you you come across as autistic and this has not made you look into what autism is, just to dig your heels in that you don't have it. I suspect you are more comfortable this way as you see having autism as undesirable.

@BalmyLemons thanks, but I didn't say 'no interest in socialising' - I understand that people with ASD often want to socialise but struggle to do so OR appear to be good at socialising when masking etc. Difficulty empathising is a trait associated with ASD but of course people with ASD do not have all symptoms. Its unsurprising that some ND are highly attuned to other people's feelings and are highly empathic. I'm not going to create a highly detailed list that goes through every possible symptom as that wasn't the purpose of my post. I selected a few examples, to try and illustrate my point which I can see has caused some offence, for which I apologise.

Of course I have looked into it before. I have also spoken to a professional who told me it was unlikely which is why I decided not to pursue a diagnosis or investigation, so it isn't coming from a place of total ignorance. Ultimately that is my business. I have some understanding about why I actually the way I do. I really don't appreciate it when people put a label on my when I haven't asked them to.

@RedToothBrush

Quite.

Being offended is related to the fact 9/10 people saying such a thing are doing so with undertones of judgement and nastiness, and are not professionals and so have no place to make that judgement or even to speculate.

It is so goddamn rude to try to diagnose someone else with a condition, whether or not that condition is undesirable or benign or whatever.

OP, I get that your childhood means you don't want to be diagnosed, as for you the 'traits' are a reminder of that trauma.

However, you could be me. I am sociable, have good friends, am very empathetic etc. I am also autistic.

If you don't want to be labelled that's totally fair enough. It was a surprise to me that I am, but it has actually been useful as a lot of things I didn't quite understand have fallen into place. I can also be kinder to myself; the things I have got 'wrong' socially aren't just me being 'stupid', they're due to the way that I process information.

I'd recommend you read up on how autism presents in women and girls (it's interesting even if you are not ND).

I'd also recommend you find better friends. Not one person in my life has ever called me horrible words, and never 'accused' me of being ND/autistic. My friends love me for being me. I hope you can find people who celebrate who you are, rather than try and make you feel there's something wrong or odd about you. Being ND doesn't mean either of those things x

It's annoying when some layperson comes along and plays the expert.

It's especially rude to insist that you are privy to some piece of information or knowledge about somebody that they don't accept for themselves. (Unless that person is responsible for that person's well-being in an official capacity).

I'm adhd and autistic and yeah I agree. You sound very ND, and it's not an insult/offensive.

Either your friends are just thoughtless and unkind, or possibly they are getting frustrated at things you do and wishing you’d show more self-awareness (are you rigid about keeping to plans, avoid things that most of them want to do for sensory reasons, do you offer a lecture/solutions when they want a shoulder to cry on?) I was in denial about being autistic for years - it was really only when my daughter was diagnosed that I had to face up to the fact that I had many of the same quirks and struggles (despite a lifetime of trying to hide them). Being neurodivergent is just an interesting and different way of seeing and relating to the world and other people - it’s not an illness or a disability in itself. I have a good job, a family, was successful at school and university, I go on holidays and to new places and like trying new food… but I don’t get jokes, have to force myself to make eye contact, can’t cope with being in places where lots of people are talking at once, get ridiculously anxious about social interactions, need lots of time alone, and choose my clothes very carefully to be the kind of soft that I like. I have started to casually drop into conversation that I’m autistic if I'm talking with people about something relevant… and no-one that knows me has expressed any surprise, though unlike your friends they haven’t suggested it. If they are actually your friends, maybe ask them what makes them think you’re neurodivergent, and keep a bit of an open mind.

I've been diagnosed myself, and I think this is rude. Trying to diagnose people from one single trait, or a few mild ones, can be pretty minimizing when it comes to more serious and complex challenges diagnosed people might face, and it adds to the misinformation "We're all a bit autistic/ADHD".

Also, diagnoses have been used as derogatory terms in the schoolyard etc(which they shouldn't be, of course), so I completely get how people get a knee jerk reaction and feel like it's used as an insult. Again, speaking from experience as someone who was diagnosed at a young age.

Even if I'd pick up some traits, I'd never try to claim to know for sure(or voice these thoughts out oud), and I think it's a bit disturbing how people can claim to be so sure from very little info. I do not share my diagnoses with everyone, and I'd definitely not enjoy speculation about diagnoses being thrown in my face.

Your friends don’t seem to have a filter, OP.
It doesn’t matter if you are neurodiverse or not (who cares?). If friends are making you annoyed or uncomfortable, it’s perhaps time to find new friends.

My post you're quoting has nothing to do with stigma around being ND. I was just pointing out that imo random people diagnosing other people who experience no symptoms are way out of line, and yes, nuts. Both ND and NT people can be guilty of this.

However great you think ADHD and ASD are, they are still disorders. And I know it is perfectly possible to get to a point where you're happy and comfortable in your own skin while having these disorders, and you can find a way to live and relate to world that works for you (whereas some NT folks, like myself, can be quite dysfunctional). But unless you are experiencing a certain friction with the world, and life and people's expectations (and you have since early childhood), unless you struggle, you will not be diagnosed with these conditions. It is not a fun label for a bunch of personality quirks. It is a fundamental difference in the way the brain processes information.

Like OP I was assessed and was found not to have ASD. I obviously had enough "quirks" to make going through assessment worthwhile, but I'm still NT. It does happen.

"But unless you are experiencing a certain friction with the world, and life and people's expectations (and you have since early childhood), unless you struggle, you will not be diagnosed with these conditions. It is not a fun label for a bunch of personality quirks. It is a fundamental difference in the way the brain processes information."

Yes exactly this, thank you. I am diagnosed with ADHD. I get quite irritated by people saying "maybe I have ADHD, I'm so high energy and boisterous and always rushing from one thing to another" etc, as if it's some fun personality quirk, like they're doing a Myers Briggs personality test or something. I would prefer people not to notice I have ADHD because if they do notice it means my coping strategies aren't working.

For ADHD at least, the NHS website has this as one of the criteria for adult diagnosis: "your symptoms significantly affect your day-to-day life – for example, if you're underachieving at work or find intimate relationships difficult". It is a rude thing to insinuate about someone IMO and I have it! 'I'm referring to ADHD rather than ASD as I don't know as much about ASD.

It's either rude or ignorant or both IMO to armchair diagnose someone when they haven't asked for help, support or advice.

@WiseBlankie @SquirrelMadness Thank you so much for your replies. I completely agree with you both. ADHD/ASD - these are not cute labels for quirky traits. They are diagnoses NOT adjectives.

I've heard people say in the workplace (about me) "She's a bit autistic but lovely when you get to know her"

Also, when out with friends,
"You are being so autistic right now"

These are the comments that I find rude. It's just inappropriate.

I can tick pretty much every box on the list in your OP. I have moderate to severe ADHD, combined type.

YANBU to be annoyed with other people’s comments. They wouldn’t speculate about your physical health and it’s equally rude to make comments on whether you are neurodivergent.

However you also seem to have a slightly stereotyped idea of what being neurodivergent is like. I can’t speak for ASD but people with ADHD can be hugely empathetic, sociable, chilled out in a lot of ways (e.g. many of us don’t have “meltdowns”) and successful both academically and in their chosen careers.

ADHD makes some things a lot harder but also has positive aspects eg being really good under pressure, intuitive, quick to understand things etc.

have you called these people out when they have said these things?

@realalala yes, but definitely not enough. I really dislike confrontation. I will in the future, people have made some good suggestions on this thread about how to respond to these sorts of comments

@OneStop99 I think I'd just ask them to repeat themselves please, they might then recognise the error of pointing out their private thoughts.