To find it rude when people call me ND/autistic/ADHD?

[OneStop99]

I've created a throw away account because this is quite personal.

Throughout my life people have assumed that I'm neurodivergent. I often get called autistic/ADHD etc even though I have never been diagnosed and do not believe I am. Even my closest friends have used terms such as 'indigo child'. My best friend often calls me a xxxxxx (removed as causes offence) said lightheartedly and with no malice.

I really don't understand why people make that assumption about me. The only things that come to mind are:

• I can't sit through a film (it's not my thing, I prefer watching series of I do watch TV which is rarely)

• I am academic (straight A*s at GCSE & took A levels early) but I don't really see why that matters

• I don't always get other people's jokes, I don't know why that is, I tend to be quite literal and people don't always understand my humour. I am quite ironic and funnily enough people take my jokes literally when they are in fact jokes 🤣

• people have commented on sensory issues but I mean, no one likes the feel of wet sand, or certain fabrics etc. Everyone is going to be irritated by an high pitched noise, very bright white lights, and I think a lot of neurotypical people get overwhelmed in a hot and busy shopping centre. To me these seem normal aversions rather than sensory issues.

• I am happy to eat the same meal over and over again until I get bored then will switch to something else. I go through phases. I find it takes the stress away, don't have to think about meal planning, I like to know what I'm having. I know it might seem strange to eat chicken broccoli and rice every night for 2 months but I do have a balanced diet even if it is a bit samey

• I get very focused on a particular hobby, I really put everything into it, then will switch to something else for a while. If I focus on one thing at a time I make better progress and kind of rotate between different things.

• make quite impulsive decisions. But hey, life is too short.

• can be pretty full on (hyper)

• I like repetitive tasks..I find it relaxing.

• I guess I'm just a free spirit, I don't try to fit in.

Reasons why I don't think Im ND

• I am able to empathise with others
• I consider myself quite a sociable person
• I don't have melt downs etc. I'm actually very tolerant/chilled outt And there are very few things that actually bother me

-able to live with others no problem
-dont feel like I struggle with anything such as time keeping (always on time), planning (Im good at planning if there is a reason to do so) or socially

• was an early talker, no communication difficulties when I was younger

Sorry for the long post. I guess my question is am I completely delusional? Or do you think it's rude to call someone ND when they do not have a diagnosis/ are not self diagnosed?

***DISCLAIMER - I really do not want to cause offense by this. I don't think ND is a bad thing at all! In fact I think some of the best minds are neurodivergent. The thing that has rattled me is being labelled when I do not believe there is a basis for it. I also think it is unfair to people who are ND and genuinely struggle.

I could have written this-and I have the same experiences with friends. My son also regularly says, “that’s because you’re autistic “. I definitely have some strong traits of autism like you, but I am sociable, empathetic and have a good circle of friends. I have never sought a diagnosis and don’t think I am autistic. It doesn’t bother me when my son or daughter or friends jokingly say I am.

On Mumsnet there is an insistence that confirmation of ASD and ADHD is a complex process which can only be carried out over a long period of time by trained professionals. In reality, humans (especially neurotypical ones) can detect social differences from a very young age without much effort, and with a high level of accuracy. Sometimes it is just obvious.

But if we have any manners at all we certainly don't mock people for it. Your friends are rude, and I wonder if it has become a bad habit that they are getting away with? I know with some of my older friends I got an early reputation for being clumsy and a babble mouth (deserved) and because I've never nipped it in the bud, it persists among that friend group long after I left those traits behind. We should probably both be quicker to say "Actually I don't agree and it's time for you to stop saying that now", even if it is meant in a friendly way.

Your list includes some neurodivergent traits. But that doesn't mean ADHD or Autism in itself. There is no way anyone here has enough detail about context, intensity, impact, medical history to diagnose you (and I know that's not what you asked for).

It is rude of your friends to diagnose you whether or not you have autism or ADHD.

Most people will only seek a diagnosis in there is an impairment: if life is difficult. If you are happy and doing well, there's often no reason to investigate. Diagnosis isn't a precise art, and your friends should certainly stay out of it.

But I think it's worth noting that the OP has also confidently diagnosed herself as neurotypical, based on equally (more?) shaky evidence.

Nobody here can diagnose the OP as neurodiverse on the strength of her post, but nobody (including her) can diagnose her as neurotypical either.

I know what you’re getting at here. But the professional diagnosis for ADHD and autism is heavily reliant on a checklist questionnaire. I appreciate you wouldn’t know that if you haven’t been through it. Anyone who has been through it themselves or with a partner or child will be very familiar with the list of traits and experiences. And the OP’s first post is literally a list of traits she has voluntarily listed. So it’s not such a big leap.

YANBU to think it is rude of people to make these comments to you. YABU to think that the things listed as NT prove you aren’t ND.

In the end it is up to you if you would ever want to be tested. You seem to have a happy, well adjusted life (although with rude friends) so would you really anything to have a professional stamp a NT or ND label?

I think it's rude to call someone ND in the context you are outlining. It seems like they are using it to label things they see as inadequacies.

It is lazy and offensive of your friends, like someone saying "you're so OCD" or "you're so 'special'". It isn't being said in a positive or helpful way, so yes, it is rude.

Whether you are or aren't ND is none of their business anyway. And it is very odd that a forum full of internet strangers who have never met you feel they are better qualified to tell you that you are ND than trust your judgement that you aren't!

I am. You sound like you are, just from your style of writing. The suggestion clearly bothers you though.

If your daughter turns out to be ND, consider whether your head in the sand approach is best for her as well as you.

It is rude for them to say it if you haven't asked their opinion.

It is unpleasant of anyone to use it as an insult.

However given the things you list, it is not unreasonable for people to assume you are ND.

No you won't have a DX if you don't go and seek one, they're not handed out without someone actively asking for that.

I'd say you have enough attributes (and the things you think mean you can't be ND are absolutely not a guarantee that you're not) to make asking for assessment/evaluation worthwhile if you want to.

If you don't, then don't - but you do have significant ND traits that people are going to assume that repeatedly!

In fairness, you sound quite like me. I am diagnosed ASD and sound very similar.
I am also very empathic, very sociable and popular and I recognise reading between the lines and fully understand sarcasm.
You don’t always tick every box. You’d be surprised how many of us happily live in society without anyone ever really knowing.

Whether you are neuro diverse or not, is not the point, it is rude and unkind to the point of bullying to keep going on about it and calling you insulting names, however 'jokey' they claim to be. Real friends would just accept you as you are, as should anyone, unless the you obviously needed help, but it doesn't sound as if you do, except, in how to stop these so called friends from bullying you.

My son (early 20s) was assessed for autism as a child - and he was diagnosed with sensory processng disorder and dyspraxia. This was because:

He is able to empathise with others - is actually more empathic than many NTs
He is sociable and likes bieng around others (although he found eye contact difficult)
He has not had a meltdown since age 3. He is very tolerant and chilled out.
He began talking at 8 months old

However, other people (especially autistic people) always assumed he was autistic.

He has now been diagnosed as autistic in the last year.

OP, I think if you pursued a diagnosis, you might find you are autistic. It's a myth that autistic people do not experience empathy, and so the diagnostic criteria have changed to reflect this.

My son sought a diagnosis because he does find life hard at times, and especially trying to be like everyone else so as not to stand out. Understanding that he is autistic has helped him to come to terms with the difficulties he has, access help with strategies, and accept himself as he is.

You sound just like me. I didn't see the offensive word but I get called one too.
I'm not neuro-diverse.

What is wrong with being Autistic of having ADHD? You are talking as if it an offensive thing to say.

Yes, they are being rude and inappropriate and so are many people here. It is my understanding that to be diagnosed you have to be experiencing traits that cause you significant difficulties in your life.

You don't feel that you are struggling in your life, so who cares whether other people think you're unusual or whatever?

Honestly people get so cross when other people say hey I'm NT and I also dislike certain food textures and get overwhelmed in crowds (or whatever), I think that's just normal. Which I totally understand why that is ignorant and aggravating!

But you can't have it both ways when someone says I get overwhelmed in busy spaces but it's not a significant problem in my life and I don't think I'm ND.

She's also almost exactly described me, and to the best of my knowledge I am very much not ND. But either way her friends are rude.

My DH is able to empathise and is very socialble but is also autistic and has adhd.

OP - I have no idea if you are ND or not but all I would say is that the traditional view of autistic traits is not representative of everyone on the spectrum.

Nobody should be throwing offensive terms round though - even in jest.

Your friends are just plain rude to be honest. Whether you are ND or not it is very odd behaviour from them to label you in such a way. It's not the done thing to continuously tell someone who is ND that they are or comment on how someone isn't ND if they aren't. Are you sure they are good people?

No one on here can diagnose from a list. If you have concerns and are struggling in situations speak to your GP. If not carry on life as normal and start replying "Do you mean to be so rude?" each time your friends mention it

I wonder if people who are close to you (and who hopefully are well meaning and have your best interests at heart) are commenting because your quirks/behaviour/social interaction are infact far from typical, perhaps much further than you imagine. Eating the same meal for dinner every night for months, for example, is quite extreme. You don’t say if this is also then what your daughter/other family members eat but if a friend told me this I’d be concerned and I would say something.

Your friends are clearly U to be going on about it now you’ve said you don’t like it. They ought to let it drop if that’s your preference.

However, there’s really nothing wrong with being ND! As many have said.

For what it’s worth, your list of reasons why you’re not ND aren’t really reasons - most ND people I know have empathy, are sociable, many can keep time very well, and I actually thought a tendency to plan a lot was an ND trait.

None of that means you necessarily are ND or that you’re not. The list you give of reasons your friends call you this does sound like a list of ND traits, but none of us can know from an internet post.

I don’t claim any expertise. My son is diagnosed with ADHD, I’m on the waiting list. Lots of women I know - genuinely people I feel I have alot in common with - are finding out they are ND in their 40s. I identify with much of your list, except for the food thing.

Why are you so wedded to the idea of not being ND? ND people can be sociable and empathic and not have meltdowns.

Can I ask why you are certain you're not? She listed many autistic traits. And if people think you're ND why are you so certain you're not?

I have a friend whose mom ignored his autism diagnosis as a child, because his father was exactly the same and he didn't have autism. ( His Dad also very clearly did. )

@TheYearOfSmallThings
In reality, humans (especially neurotypical ones) can detect social differences from a very young age without much effort, and with a high level of accuracy. Sometimes it is just obvious.

So YES to this. In fact, I was quite surprised when one of the assessment questions for DS's ADHD assessment was whether he has been bullied. But then I realised - of course he has. Because his reactions and behaviours are just slightly different and even 6 year olds could tell that but they're young and dumb so instead of being kind, they bullied him instead.

If she's described you, you sound very much ND.

Right well never in RL have I ever had people try and stick a label on me or seen it done to others by telling them they are ND - it would be extremely rude - and as PP said ask them to stop labelling you and being so rude.

Second I'm not sure you actually do know what ND condition can be or how they present - ND and non empathic do not go hand in hand.

Three many of those traits mentioned could be signs of ND but not conclusive proof of anything. We've just been told many things we in our family consider normal traits aren't in wider population as part of dx process for one child. They could if they significantly impact on your life be something to look into further.