To find it rude when people call me ND/autistic/ADHD?

[OneStop99]

I've created a throw away account because this is quite personal.

Throughout my life people have assumed that I'm neurodivergent. I often get called autistic/ADHD etc even though I have never been diagnosed and do not believe I am. Even my closest friends have used terms such as 'indigo child'. My best friend often calls me a xxxxxx (removed as causes offence) said lightheartedly and with no malice.

I really don't understand why people make that assumption about me. The only things that come to mind are:

• I can't sit through a film (it's not my thing, I prefer watching series of I do watch TV which is rarely)

• I am academic (straight A*s at GCSE & took A levels early) but I don't really see why that matters

• I don't always get other people's jokes, I don't know why that is, I tend to be quite literal and people don't always understand my humour. I am quite ironic and funnily enough people take my jokes literally when they are in fact jokes 🤣

• people have commented on sensory issues but I mean, no one likes the feel of wet sand, or certain fabrics etc. Everyone is going to be irritated by an high pitched noise, very bright white lights, and I think a lot of neurotypical people get overwhelmed in a hot and busy shopping centre. To me these seem normal aversions rather than sensory issues.

• I am happy to eat the same meal over and over again until I get bored then will switch to something else. I go through phases. I find it takes the stress away, don't have to think about meal planning, I like to know what I'm having. I know it might seem strange to eat chicken broccoli and rice every night for 2 months but I do have a balanced diet even if it is a bit samey

• I get very focused on a particular hobby, I really put everything into it, then will switch to something else for a while. If I focus on one thing at a time I make better progress and kind of rotate between different things.

• make quite impulsive decisions. But hey, life is too short.

• can be pretty full on (hyper)

• I like repetitive tasks..I find it relaxing.

• I guess I'm just a free spirit, I don't try to fit in.

Reasons why I don't think Im ND

• I am able to empathise with others
• I consider myself quite a sociable person
• I don't have melt downs etc. I'm actually very tolerant/chilled outt And there are very few things that actually bother me

-able to live with others no problem
-dont feel like I struggle with anything such as time keeping (always on time), planning (Im good at planning if there is a reason to do so) or socially

• was an early talker, no communication difficulties when I was younger

Sorry for the long post. I guess my question is am I completely delusional? Or do you think it's rude to call someone ND when they do not have a diagnosis/ are not self diagnosed?

***DISCLAIMER - I really do not want to cause offense by this. I don't think ND is a bad thing at all! In fact I think some of the best minds are neurodivergent. The thing that has rattled me is being labelled when I do not believe there is a basis for it. I also think it is unfair to people who are ND and genuinely struggle.

@ScaryGrotbag I hope I answered your question above

I hope my above post answers your question 🙂

I think people are rude trying to diagnose you, it's not their place. Tbh i think you do sound somewhat ND but i wouldn't bring it up unless you did first. Unless it's negatively affecting you it's irrelevant really.

I would get some new friends...

Thank you for this. It is exactly the point I was trying to make. When people make comments it's usually to focus on perceived inadequacies based on stereotypes rather than a medical diagnosis which is why it hurts. It makes me feel bad about myself NOT because being ND is bad but because they are pointing out my flaws and saying that I don't fit in or am 'abnormal', usually in a jokey way. I know I have some quirks, but I find it rude to point them out, just like you wouldn't comment on someone's appearance.

That's a bit unfair. Its other people pointing out that I'm different. I think I am pretty 'normal' or at least nothing special!

Interesting. Thank you. I understand why I might present as socially awkward, especially with people I don't know. I'm wary of physical contact, don't make eye contact. That tends to go away when I'm with my close friends - it's probably more of a nervous thing. This is something that started in my teens late 20s as a result of trauma rather than something I was born with.

First: Autistic people more often have hyper-empathy then low empathy.

Second: You REALLY sound ND. You should research autism, I think it would be of interest to you.

Third: If you think being ND is ok, why do you consider all your ND traits to be your flaws and pointing them out to be rude?

Trauma can cause asd type behaviours to be fair - see Romanian orphans for the most extreme example of that.

I too had a pretty difficult upbringing. I read voracious as a coping strategy to not have to deal with situations I didn't like.

But what happened here is that my coping strategies were asd like. I didn't do things like try to hang out with other kids, make friends with their mothers, getting into sports, joining clubs. I liked being in my bedroom doing homework and reading. And that is because I don't much enjoy being with other people!

So, it may look like it all started later on but you still might like to wonder why you chose asd type coping strategies and not eg hanging around bus shelters with other kids.

@Arran2024 thank you. That is a fair comment. I would put it down to a cross between personality and life experiences. Only a professional could confirm that, however, in my heart of hearts I am pretty confident I'm not on the spectrum. (Again, nothing wrong with ND at all,I just don't feel that I am).

I'm autistic, diagnosed as a teenager. I'm also able to empathise with others (it's literally my job), don't have meltdowns (anymore) and I'm a very good planner and timekeeper (actually quite an autistic trait!). I was also a very early talker and reader, but a late walker.

Otherwise I sound like you, sensory issues, ahead in school, don't get humour etc. I can relate to most of your list.

Not to offend or upset - but I can see where your friends are coming from tbh.

I haven't read the full thread, just your posts OP.

ADHD and ASD are both disorders. I'm not an expert (but I do have a diagnosis myself). But to be diagnosed with either you have to struggle with several aspects of every day activities. That's where the "disorder" comes in, it's affecting performance in multiple areas of life. You said in your OP that you don't struggle with planning, socialising - I can't remember what the other things were now but your post suggested you haven't struggled consistently with every day activities throughout your life.

I do think it's rude or pretty ignorant to suggest to someone they might be neuro divergent, unless you're genuinely trying to help them access support. Because it's suggesting that there are aspects of life that they appear to be struggling with. Which is a pretty rude thing to casually suggest to someone.

Unfortunately there seems to be a trend of armchair diagnosing people who just seem unique or a little different. Nobody here can diagnose you or say whether you're neuro typical, but that's true of your friends too.

Yes! Come on, people.

OP does not feel like they struggle with anything. That is literally what they wrote. There is nothing to diagnose.

The outcome of this poll is insane.

Ah this does add to the picture. Basically trauma can present very similarly to neurodiversty. There is something called the Coventry Grid which is aimed at professionals but shows the difference between trauma and attachment and neurodiversty. Of course it's possible for both to be the case. Maybe be interesting for you to read to see why people may be interpreting.

Why is it rude though? Do you think it's an insult? Your reaction suggest you might.

I mean, what if you told a friend you had back pain, or they noticed you wince (a symptom) and they said it might be your kidneys (a possible source) - would you also find that 'very rude and inappropriate'?

Ime suggestions like this about ND come from a caring place, usually because the suggester can empathise with the observed symptoms, being ND themselves, or they have personal experience of the struggles many undiagnosed ND people face and knowing that, would prefer their friend didn't have to go through the same.

I've just looked at the Coventry Grid. Its very interesting. There are so many subtle differences it's easy to see why 'symptoms' are confused! Thank you for sharing. Looking at it, I can relate to things in both categories which wasn't what I was expecting.

I mean, what if you told a friend you had back pain, or they noticed you wince (a symptom) and they said it might be your kidneys (a possible source) - would you also find that 'very rude and inappropriate'?

Like it or not, there is still a stigma attached to having autism. People make judgements about you. There are preconceptions.

It’s not like back pain.

OP a diagnosis of CPTSD can make a person appear to have ASD..
The Coventry grid mentioned above is really very useful in picking things apart.
I would guess with the trauma history you are affected in some way.
Of course you can have both.....but it's nobody elses business but yours x

Also, it's a false equivalency. OP doesn't have symptoms. They don't struggle with anything. I'd consider you a bit of a nutter if you told me I might have a kidney problem while I was feeling perfectly fine.

@OneStop99 I've spent a long time trying to work it out myself. I'm pretty happy and sorted now and have done lots of therapeutic work and also work in the helping professions. Despite this I still score about 95% on an ADHD screening. I might seek a diagnosis in a couple of years to help with work organisation and parenting when we get there. My conclusion is it's probably both for me. My wife is autistic and has pointed out a good chunk of my family members probably are too. Although they also all have trauma. I think the lack of understanding of children's emotional needs and protection for my mum was due to both. My wife is one of the most empathetic people I know unless the other person is not obvious in how they are showing difficulties then if they are an adult she might not notice. She can always tell in children and works very successfully with them. People are complicated and are usually a combination of their genetics and experiences. I know the period when the penny started dropping for my wife she kept getting crosser and crosser about the suggestion which ironically meant her near perfect masking slid a lot and she was acting more obviously autistic. Then more people commented. Her mood massively effects how well she can mask. Leading up to diagnosis nearly every single person she worked with kept telling her she wasn't autistic and they didn't know why she'd been referred. I laughed and said yeah they don't live with you 🤣 a year later now she knows them all well and is too busy and knackered to mask it's kind of a running joke that noone believed her. When you talk about meltdowns thats basically a neurodiverse person not coping. If an autistic person is happy and not under high stress there really isnt anything to meltdown about

My DD has autism and she doesn't have meltdowns. She was the easiest child ever. Rarely cried, incredibly laid back. She also has empathy.

Nope, don't think it's an insult at all. I just know people's medical diagnosis are private and not up for public consumption, diagnosis or discussion and people doing it don't have the full picture.

'Helpful' suggestions that come from a caring place can cause anxiety and worry, especially if you are suggesting things about someone's child. And when the person suggesting it only has anecdotal experience I think it's odd to offer an opinion unless explicitly asked. Not everyone has to have an opinion or offer advice all the time - it's okay to think 'I don't know enough to be able to put this to this person' - you don't know if your suggestion is going to land how you want it to.

I'm always curious about the people armchair diagnosing me (I have cPTSD and have been told I have all sorts of mental health issues and neurodivergence, I don't I just had a horrific event x2 happen to me and it fucked my developing brain). Often it is serving the advice givers need to give advice/show concern/be helpful/give their experience. It doesn't often serve me at all to hear their theories if I'm honest. They know less about me than I know about myself but still see fit to 'offer advice' as though they know me better. It's shit.

I've suspected my DH is ND for probably 10-15 years. About 3 years ago I heard a radio report about adult ADHD and it was like light bulb moment - they were literally describing DH. It helped me make sense of behaviours I had previously found difficult or upsetting.

Not really, no. It explains why you don't think you are ND but but why you are so opposed to the idea that you might be. It's not a bad thing, you know. I'm interested in why you would rather consider yourself a traumatised NT rather than a typical ND person?

I get it, OP. And, tbh, I would.describe myself very much as you have in your op.

I also used to have people asking or 'accusing' me of being autistic. Sometimes by arseholes who were being dicks. Some times by ND people who 'recognised' me.

And then I was diagnosed.