To find it rude when people call me ND/autistic/ADHD?

[OneStop99]

I've created a throw away account because this is quite personal.

Throughout my life people have assumed that I'm neurodivergent. I often get called autistic/ADHD etc even though I have never been diagnosed and do not believe I am. Even my closest friends have used terms such as 'indigo child'. My best friend often calls me a xxxxxx (removed as causes offence) said lightheartedly and with no malice.

I really don't understand why people make that assumption about me. The only things that come to mind are:

• I can't sit through a film (it's not my thing, I prefer watching series of I do watch TV which is rarely)

• I am academic (straight A*s at GCSE & took A levels early) but I don't really see why that matters

• I don't always get other people's jokes, I don't know why that is, I tend to be quite literal and people don't always understand my humour. I am quite ironic and funnily enough people take my jokes literally when they are in fact jokes 🤣

• people have commented on sensory issues but I mean, no one likes the feel of wet sand, or certain fabrics etc. Everyone is going to be irritated by an high pitched noise, very bright white lights, and I think a lot of neurotypical people get overwhelmed in a hot and busy shopping centre. To me these seem normal aversions rather than sensory issues.

• I am happy to eat the same meal over and over again until I get bored then will switch to something else. I go through phases. I find it takes the stress away, don't have to think about meal planning, I like to know what I'm having. I know it might seem strange to eat chicken broccoli and rice every night for 2 months but I do have a balanced diet even if it is a bit samey

• I get very focused on a particular hobby, I really put everything into it, then will switch to something else for a while. If I focus on one thing at a time I make better progress and kind of rotate between different things.

• make quite impulsive decisions. But hey, life is too short.

• can be pretty full on (hyper)

• I like repetitive tasks..I find it relaxing.

• I guess I'm just a free spirit, I don't try to fit in.

Reasons why I don't think Im ND

• I am able to empathise with others
• I consider myself quite a sociable person
• I don't have melt downs etc. I'm actually very tolerant/chilled outt And there are very few things that actually bother me

-able to live with others no problem
-dont feel like I struggle with anything such as time keeping (always on time), planning (Im good at planning if there is a reason to do so) or socially

• was an early talker, no communication difficulties when I was younger

Sorry for the long post. I guess my question is am I completely delusional? Or do you think it's rude to call someone ND when they do not have a diagnosis/ are not self diagnosed?

***DISCLAIMER - I really do not want to cause offense by this. I don't think ND is a bad thing at all! In fact I think some of the best minds are neurodivergent. The thing that has rattled me is being labelled when I do not believe there is a basis for it. I also think it is unfair to people who are ND and genuinely struggle.

I feel bad now. I mentioned my brother being autistic during an argument. I said you just think like this because you're autistic. He hasn't spoke to me in 6 months. He's never been diagnosed and I could be wrong

Agree with you. Being ‘diagnosed’ by friends and family is very very unwelcome for some people.

Hey OP - certainly I wouldn't refer to someone as ND if they had no dx - and I would never discuss anyone's dx to their face unless they were aware I knew and were happy discussing it. That's true whether it's cancer or a disability or anything really. So in that sense I think your friends are out of order.

However I wonder if you have ever explored ND in terms of yourself. Some of the things which you say show you are not ND are by no means true of everyone who is. Thinking of a couple of people (female) who I know who are ND, neither of them ever has or had meltdowns; both are sociable in the right context (so not a party where they know no one - would you like that out of interest?) and both are fine with talking and AFAIK spoke at the usual time as children. And plenty of ND people are very empathetic.

Some of the things that are true of you could be flags for ND. Most people who are ND imagine that everyone else experiences things in the same way as they do, until it is made clear to them. "No one likes the feel of wet sand" - actually I do, tho clearly some people don't.

Liking very specific food is also common for people who are ND. As are some of the other factors you mention. They don't mean that you are ND, but exploring a dx might help you understand yourself better.

No one can tell from a thread whether you are ND and there’s no obligation on you to seek a diagnosis even if you were.

Tell your friends to button it.

Based on your description of yourself, I suggest you go take the RAADS-R. It is available online for free.

nd people can have great empathy. We just tend to have our empathy misunderstood.

We often have superior language skills, especially if female. We can be quite social, we just tend to socialize a bit differently than NT individuals.

Go to see a doctor and get checked if you have doubts. We don’t really know you and we cannot diagnose you here.
Does it change things if we say you are ND or not? Better have a talk with your so called friends if their words hurt or upset you. Friends should be supportive and kind to each other.

Thanks. The friend who said the offensive word is definitely not ND. She is older than me and not from UK which is why she may not have appreciated why the term was so offensive.

Funnily enough, it was different friend who said this today. The two people have never met. I think it was very inappropriate. It's bad enough when people project onto me but please leave my daughter out of it.

YANBU to find it offensive that people are just casually labelling you when you don’t have a diagnosis- that’s rude.

However, you do sound neurodivergent . I am neurodivergent , I am also very empathic, social and usually on time. Oh and I was an early talker. I’m not great at planning, but that’s not incompatible with being neurodivergent.

I agree. Sorry OP but I do think you're one of us ☺️

I wonder why you are so adamant you don't want to be?

Since my DD has been diagnosed with autism I'm noticing loads of things in myself that probably are traits too. Would it help me to get a diagnosis? Not now, definitely, but I might have been a bit kinder to myself as a young woman had I had something to attribute my social awkwardness to. I can be very sociable though when I'm not awkward.

Anybody who is not you or a doctor telling you you ARE something is pretty shit, whatever the something is. The things you describe can also be autistic traits though.

I will say that the lack of empathy thing seems really really wrong to me, certainly in girls/women. Sometimes a symptom seems to be way too MUCH empathy - so much so it's difficult to focus on your own business!

The criteria for diagnosing autism include that there are deficits which cause “significant difficulties” in more than one area of your life. As the things you mention do not seem to cause significant difficulties that would suggest you are not autistic. However the reasons you put forward for why you are not autistic are incorrect, lots of autistic people are sociable and have great empathy.

Regardless, it’s very rude for people to make remarks or jokes.

So I understand you don’t think it’s negative. I don’t know how old your daughter is, but if she does start showing traits, please consider getting her assessed. Don’t let your annoyance at people mentioning it about you/to you your whole life, stop you considering it for your daughter. If she doesn’t have it, she doesn’t have it and an assessment would show that.

My DH had very oblivious parents who were determined to ignore his extra needs / pointed comments from schoolteachers etc as a child. He was diagnosed as an adult, but there’s a lot of resentment now for the help and understanding he missed out on as a child and teen.

Obviously your friends have no right to diagnose you with anything and you are right to be annoyed.
However it is also quite offensive to say that autistic people have no empathy and are not sociable. Both you and they seem to understand autism through outdated stereotypes.

Your concept of ND is outdated, some ND people are sociable and have empathy, some can be over-empathetic.
And yes, you do sound like you are on the spectrum, nothing wrong with that.

It's your brain and your choice as to whether you ever want to find out more about It's processing functions or not. There is someone at work who is always going in about her boyfriend being adhd but he won't take a test. Drives me nuts! It is his brain and his decision.

Feels almost like someone adopted being pressured to find out their genetic history. Would it be acceptable to keep saying are you sure you aren't Norwegian? I think not.

Honestly, everyone seems to be on some sort of spectrum nowadays. My adult DD would probably get a diagnosis (she sounds very like you) but she just isn't interested. Quirks are wonderful and it annoys me how all aspects of the human personality now have to be diagnosed and labelled. Be yourself and tell people who try to label you to bore off. Back in the day, you could be different without needing a diagnosis. Keep on being your quirky self, you sound great.

Looking at your list and I am exactly the same as you and know I would be diagnosed if I arranged an assessment. I have also worked with autistic people for two decades and many have had great humour, were incredibly sociable, made jokes, empathise, didnt have meltdowns and enjoy communal living and communities. Each person with autism and ADHD is very different. Unique. The sensory issues, repetitive meals, taking things literally, impulsivity are typical traits of a adhd-asd mix.

Yes, I think you have plenty of ND traits. I do think it's a bit unnecessary for people to comment on it except I think that in close friendships, it's normal to comment and accomodate each other's quirks. I definitely have some sensory issues and my friends will tease me about hyperfocus when I'm reading, or happily agree not to go to certain restaurants because I simply can't cope. To that end, your point that "everyone" is affected by bright lights or high pitched noises.. that's not in fact true. It is just YOUR normal (and mine). I am constantly amazed that a local restaurant is constantly rammed - I cannot step foot in the place without my whole body seizing up in stress at the loudness. Another example, which was actually quite useful, was when I worked in big office buildings, I would notice that those fluorescent tube lights were going before anyone else. As it ALWAYS takes maintenance DAYS to get round to replacing them, I was the person who would make the call, and inevitably by the time they turned up a few days later, everyone else could now notice the flicker! I was quite popular for that!

Eating the same meal is fine, but definitely very unusual.

I think also, without meaning to, you have a negative view of ND people. It's like people who think that all autistic people can barely communicate - Rain Man has a LOT to answer for. It's bollocks and in fact, most autistic people I meet, especially children, are quite happy to communicate, it's just that they don't seem to understand normal social cues so will ask inappropriate questions, or insert themselves where they are not in fact welcome. DS has ADHD and he's the most empathetic person I've ever met.

Finally, as our doctor has been at pains to tell us, ND is not a problem. It's just a slightly different way of operating. It only becomes a problem if it causes you not to be able to function in a world that is not set up for you. That doesn't seem to be the case for you, and you clearly have friends who don't mind adapting when necessary. So you're great. I would keep an eye on your DD in case she DOES suffer if she does also have these traits.

You've just described me. Even down to the reasons you can't be neurodiverse.
I am very much neurodiverse.

Your friends shouldn't be saying things about you that hurt your feelings or that you don't like. That said if multiple people in your life have made these observations then have you considered the possibility that they're correct? Just because you have not received a diagnosis it doesn't mean that there isn't a diagnosis to be made.

I was recently diagnosed with ADHD as an adult woman in my forties. I finally talked to my doctor about it after a friend and coworker told me multiple times that things that I said to her made her think that I might have ADHD. She was right.

You might be interested in this link about autism and empathy.

I was very confused by the fact that some people I know had diagnoses of autism and were clearly very capable of empathy.

https://www.thetransmitter.org/spectrum/double-empathy-explained/

The dual empathy theory of autism says that autism doesn't mean people don't have empathy. It can mean they struggle to work out how neurotypical people are feeling and what they are trying to say. So they don't succeed in showing empathy when and how neurotypical expect it. But the same happens the other way around! Neurotypical people can't read or communicate with people with autism effectively and show them empathy effectively either.

I always remember this extract:

"But a number of studies also show that autistic people’s social and communication issues are not evident when they interact with other people with autism. For example, in the game of “telephone,” in which a message is relayed in whispers from one person to the next, chains of eight autistic people maintain the fidelity of the message just as well as sets of eight non-autistic people do. It’s only in mixed groups of autistic and non-autistic people that the message quickly degrades."

You literally just describe a bunch of ND symptoms and then said you are not for things in no way linked to most ND conditions.

Of course you should empathize, unless you are a sociopath everyone does. Some autistic people might not outwardly show it but they do obviously feel like human beings. Its really bizarre you would think thats a standard thing.

ND people are sociable. In fact conditions with 'hyper' tenancies for example can make people overly sociable at times. Some conditions cause co-dependencies so people struggle to be alone even.

Most adults do not have meltdowns, you would need to be quite seriously effected to be melting down. Also my DS is autistic and never melted down or had a tantrum in his life, his condition is expressed through pure unwavering stoic calmness no matter what happens. However this can be wildly different to other autistic people.

There is a beautiful irony in you making a very detailed list to prove to an (invisible) audience that you are not on the spectrum 🫣

😁 I am also not neurodivergent. I think. Yet both my kids have been assessed at their schools at a young age for various SEN, coming out as ADHD

I remember my younger DS only getting tested in his teens, and me getting all confused during the assessment and saying “but that is normal”?! as to me a lot of autistic and adhd behaviour is normal. I guess it is “my normal” anyway

just saying that we are maybe not the best people to assess ourselves…

Just keep being you and tell people to bugger off if they are rude

I mean why have assessments by professionals if you can ,confidently disgnose the Op on the Internet having never met her based on a few written paragraphs?

• *I am able to empathise with others
• I consider myself quite a sociable person
• I don't have melt downs etc. I'm actually very tolerant/chilled outt And there are very few things that actually bother me

-able to live with others no problem -dont feel like I struggle with anything such as time keeping (always on time), planning (Im good at planning if there is a reason to do so) or socially

• was an early talker, no communication difficulties when I was younger

None of these things mean you can't be neurodiverse.

On balance, you have more neurodiverse traits than neurotypical ones, by the sound of it. I would probably assume you were neurodiverse too.