To find it rude when people call me ND/autistic/ADHD?

[OneStop99]

I've created a throw away account because this is quite personal.

Throughout my life people have assumed that I'm neurodivergent. I often get called autistic/ADHD etc even though I have never been diagnosed and do not believe I am. Even my closest friends have used terms such as 'indigo child'. My best friend often calls me a xxxxxx (removed as causes offence) said lightheartedly and with no malice.

I really don't understand why people make that assumption about me. The only things that come to mind are:

• I can't sit through a film (it's not my thing, I prefer watching series of I do watch TV which is rarely)

• I am academic (straight A*s at GCSE & took A levels early) but I don't really see why that matters

• I don't always get other people's jokes, I don't know why that is, I tend to be quite literal and people don't always understand my humour. I am quite ironic and funnily enough people take my jokes literally when they are in fact jokes 🤣

• people have commented on sensory issues but I mean, no one likes the feel of wet sand, or certain fabrics etc. Everyone is going to be irritated by an high pitched noise, very bright white lights, and I think a lot of neurotypical people get overwhelmed in a hot and busy shopping centre. To me these seem normal aversions rather than sensory issues.

• I am happy to eat the same meal over and over again until I get bored then will switch to something else. I go through phases. I find it takes the stress away, don't have to think about meal planning, I like to know what I'm having. I know it might seem strange to eat chicken broccoli and rice every night for 2 months but I do have a balanced diet even if it is a bit samey

• I get very focused on a particular hobby, I really put everything into it, then will switch to something else for a while. If I focus on one thing at a time I make better progress and kind of rotate between different things.

• make quite impulsive decisions. But hey, life is too short.

• can be pretty full on (hyper)

• I like repetitive tasks..I find it relaxing.

• I guess I'm just a free spirit, I don't try to fit in.

Reasons why I don't think Im ND

• I am able to empathise with others
• I consider myself quite a sociable person
• I don't have melt downs etc. I'm actually very tolerant/chilled outt And there are very few things that actually bother me

-able to live with others no problem
-dont feel like I struggle with anything such as time keeping (always on time), planning (Im good at planning if there is a reason to do so) or socially

• was an early talker, no communication difficulties when I was younger

Sorry for the long post. I guess my question is am I completely delusional? Or do you think it's rude to call someone ND when they do not have a diagnosis/ are not self diagnosed?

***DISCLAIMER - I really do not want to cause offense by this. I don't think ND is a bad thing at all! In fact I think some of the best minds are neurodivergent. The thing that has rattled me is being labelled when I do not believe there is a basis for it. I also think it is unfair to people who are ND and genuinely struggle.

Purely out of curiosity have you ever taken the AQ10 or AQ50?

Just say “please don’t put me in a box and label me. I am fine with myself, just the way I am.”

It is rude if the person is clearly uncomfortable!! I get that, between friends, it might be said in a lighthearted, jokey way and not cause any offence.

But our OP here IS offended. And yet her "friends" keep on upsetting her. What kind of friends are they?!

I'd probably go with a long pause then, "What did you just call me?"
Socially aware people would instantly realise they screwed up but these people aren't socially aware, so they might just repeat it.
Then I'd say "I'm not autistic/don't have ADHD [or whatever]. I'd suggest not saying things like that unless you know the person has a condition and is happy to discuss it." Then either end the conversation or change the subject.

Also OP, you sound nice, the same cannot be said about your so called friend. I worry that you are a bit vulnerable to their behaviour. Wise up and look out for yourself, tell them to cut it out. No friend should ever put you down on a regular basis, once is really too much, twice I might give another chance, 3 times and they can fuck off as far as I'm concerned.

Your list does sound quite neurodiverse, even including your “reasons why not”. Feels like you are making your own assumptions about how neurodiverse people are.
And if many people are pointing out that you are different, perhaps you are.

BUT it’s rude and overly personal for people to be constantly saying this to you. From a place of closeness, perhaps yes it’s useful. I’ve got a friend who is very neurodivergent, it’s very clear to everyone who knows him, and tbh it’s not something I ever thought to mention because it’s just him. But his partner recently started talking with him about it and it turns out this is something of a revelation to him, he hadn’t realised quite how different he is, and it’s helping him understand himself better.

You sound like it may be aspergers.

A lot like my awating diagnosis 12yo. She spoke very early and well.

She struggled with potty trainnig.
Then at school with behaviour.
But i think the issues are that she also has adhd so impulsive.

However gifted people can also have sensory issues op so could be that.

I think a big sign for us is after y3 dd only wanted to be friends with 1 person she just wasnt interested socially. And stsrted to not say hello to people she knew.

Well it’s not a negative thing to be neurodiverse, so it’s stupid to find it rude. It’s not rude for people to suggest it. They may just be trying to help you.

You clearly are neurodiverse from your post. But if you don’t want to explore diagnosis that’s up to you.

You come across badly by painting neurodiversity as a negative thing, and also by saying “I can’t have it because I’m empathetic” etc (neurodiverse people can still be highly empathetic).

Can you point me to any information about gifted people having sensory issues? I'd be interested.

That's a lot of traits in both lists...

But they should not keep going on about or using offensive terminology.

I usually tell people that my personality is not a disorder, and doesn't have a label.

I'm always being told by people around me that I'm autistic. I have no reason to believe that I am. I have some quirks.

I don’t think anyone should be labelling others as ND or NT unless it’s a label the person has already applied to themselves and openly used. Even then, I’d take their lead and not presume to make unsolicited comments about it.

Some of the traits you have listed are unusual in NT people and/or more typical for ND people, but it’s something to get assessed properly (if that’s something you’re interested in doing, doesn’t sound like you are), not for others to armchair-diagnose over MN.

@IhateSPSS thanks for this. Its not even as if people are asking once 'have you considered you might be neurodiverse?', but talk about me as if I have a diagnosis, which I don't.

@Ted22 please read my disclaimer. I 100% agree that neurodiversity is not a bad thing.

@JohnSt1 I love that. Thank you for sharing.

Ooh I think this is fascinating OP. I strongly suspect there is autism in my family, that I have traits, and that (at least) two adult family members would meet criteria.

However, we are all quite empathetic and I think quite perceptive about other people. But we probably come across as a bit odd/quirky, and struggle with certain things.

I think autism is being diagnosed more frequently these days, so a lot of people aged say 40+ (especially females but also high functioning males) have never received a diagnosis.

Having said all that, if you don't consider yourself ND and don't wish to pursue a diagnosis then I think it is rude of your friends to keep going on about it.

Say what my cousin says "I am not interested in talking about it. Please stop"
But, honestly, both my cousin and I are autistic and I am relatively social and we are both quite empathetic. That's not really saying anything.
If it doesn't matter to you, it doesn't matter to you. Just be quite blunt in saying to your friends to stop piping up about it. They will just dismiss you being blunt as autism anyway.

Many of the traits you listed are the same as my daughter who is now in her thirties.
People used to describe her as a naughty child but I knew she wasn’t she was a bit different and challenging at times. I just let her grow the way that suited her, she is very clever and as a child had no social skills but learnt over the years how to interact with others.
Society appears to want to give people titles if their behaviour is not seen as “normal”. We are all different and we need to learn to appreciate our differences

I didn't think I was autistic and was shocked after being assessed that I was told I was. I was 35.

If you are a nice person and treat people with respect and kindness then it doesn't matter what label people put on you. If it bothers them more than you then get some nicer friends who appreciate and love everything about you. On one hand we get told that people shouldn't have defined labels eg. man,woman, they/them, he/she and yet so many people are obsessed with labelling. I really don't get it, lets all just be who we are, if you don't like it then bog off!

The thing that really got to me today was when someone asked "do you think your daughter will be autistic too?'
I mean, come on. Firstly, why do you think it's ok to diagnose me? Secondly, it doesn't matter if she is or isn't. Just (kindly) piss off.

Also, and I'll get slated for this, but I'm not sure there's a clear line between "being autistic" and "being a bit quirky with some autistic traits". I think you can be on the borderline and I think I probably am. So there may be no definite answer as to whether you are or are not autistic (though of course if you went for a diagnosis the clinician would try to give you a yes or no answer).

There was a very interesting thread recently about someone who considered they had had autistic traits as a child but had grown out of them. Obviously quite a contentious thread! But it resonated with me as I really struggled to fit in socially as a child and was bullied a lot, but I think I have been able to learn social skills and am now reasonable sociable, it just took me a while. Sometimes I feel I am masking a little, but this is part of "me" now, so I don't see it as a problem if it helps me fit in in the world.

Did your friend tell you that her disabilist slur is light hearted with no malice by any chance ? I am cringing at that sentence because nobody would argue that a racist or sexist slut was light hearted with no malice.

I’m a lot like you from your description. I couldn’t care less whether I’m ND or not. I’m just me and that’s fine 🤷🏻‍♀️.

Well I agree that is just plain rude, if you haven't said you are autistic in the first place. Does your friend have a bit of a mean streak ... or do you think they might also have autistic traits i.e. being inappropriately blunt? (I'm half joking, half not)

I'm diagnosed adhd/autistic. Late diagnosis in my forties. You've just described me. Completely. The fact that you won't even consider pursuing a diagnosis would only reinforce (for me) the assumption that you are. Very black and white thinking. Often those people which combined adhd/autism are very sociable (until we are not), empathise greatly with others and live happily with people. I would be examining why you are so against being described as such.