To find it rude when people call me ND/autistic/ADHD?

[OneStop99]

I've created a throw away account because this is quite personal.

Throughout my life people have assumed that I'm neurodivergent. I often get called autistic/ADHD etc even though I have never been diagnosed and do not believe I am. Even my closest friends have used terms such as 'indigo child'. My best friend often calls me a xxxxxx (removed as causes offence) said lightheartedly and with no malice.

I really don't understand why people make that assumption about me. The only things that come to mind are:

• I can't sit through a film (it's not my thing, I prefer watching series of I do watch TV which is rarely)

• I am academic (straight A*s at GCSE & took A levels early) but I don't really see why that matters

• I don't always get other people's jokes, I don't know why that is, I tend to be quite literal and people don't always understand my humour. I am quite ironic and funnily enough people take my jokes literally when they are in fact jokes 🤣

• people have commented on sensory issues but I mean, no one likes the feel of wet sand, or certain fabrics etc. Everyone is going to be irritated by an high pitched noise, very bright white lights, and I think a lot of neurotypical people get overwhelmed in a hot and busy shopping centre. To me these seem normal aversions rather than sensory issues.

• I am happy to eat the same meal over and over again until I get bored then will switch to something else. I go through phases. I find it takes the stress away, don't have to think about meal planning, I like to know what I'm having. I know it might seem strange to eat chicken broccoli and rice every night for 2 months but I do have a balanced diet even if it is a bit samey

• I get very focused on a particular hobby, I really put everything into it, then will switch to something else for a while. If I focus on one thing at a time I make better progress and kind of rotate between different things.

• make quite impulsive decisions. But hey, life is too short.

• can be pretty full on (hyper)

• I like repetitive tasks..I find it relaxing.

• I guess I'm just a free spirit, I don't try to fit in.

Reasons why I don't think Im ND

• I am able to empathise with others
• I consider myself quite a sociable person
• I don't have melt downs etc. I'm actually very tolerant/chilled outt And there are very few things that actually bother me

-able to live with others no problem
-dont feel like I struggle with anything such as time keeping (always on time), planning (Im good at planning if there is a reason to do so) or socially

• was an early talker, no communication difficulties when I was younger

Sorry for the long post. I guess my question is am I completely delusional? Or do you think it's rude to call someone ND when they do not have a diagnosis/ are not self diagnosed?

***DISCLAIMER - I really do not want to cause offense by this. I don't think ND is a bad thing at all! In fact I think some of the best minds are neurodivergent. The thing that has rattled me is being labelled when I do not believe there is a basis for it. I also think it is unfair to people who are ND and genuinely struggle.

What I don't understand is why is this idea that ND people are anti-social or lacking empathy come from? I joked earlier about Rain Man but is it really that in popular media that's how they're portrayed. I actually find it really really frustrating.

You know who lacks empathy? Narcissists. Pyschopaths. Sociopaths. Not people whose brains are just wired a bit differently because they have ASD or ADHD or SPD.

Honestly you sound like my daughter she is neurodiverse but she is also a fully functioning member of society has a full time job lives independently so it doesn't affect her she is just a bit quirky

Absolutely this.

OP on paper you read as possibly Autistic. Even the way you've written your post and seem to have an inability to go 'ahh well, maybe I am 🤔' screams N.D. in it's self.

The idea that ND people have no empathy is a myth, I am ND and have plenty of empathy

Hey OP. YANBU.

We actually have a lot in common. I was assessed and I don't have ASD because I just don't meet the criteria in category A. It took my highly trained psychologist 10+ meetings of 2 hours each to come to this conclusion. People should give it a rest with these armchair diagnoses based on a single post on an internet forum. Almost everyone has some ND traits and could construct a narrative of themselves to make them seem autistic. And yes, it is insulting when random people call you ND when you don't have a diagnosis or have not embraced the label for yourself.

Even though there is obviously nothing wrong with being ND. You're right; some of the best people are.

I did not see the offensive word. I don't know if you are neurodiverse, but try and move on from this self obsession that you are different. Because you like x y z and dont like abc,

All the things you've listed have buts, ands, and becauses attached to them. It doesn't mean you're neurotypical just because you have your reasons for doing them, ND people are also doing the same things because they have their reasons.

I'm not ND but I'd class myself as being higher up the autistic spectrum than the average neurotypical person and I don't do a lot of the things on your list, like eat the same thing for months.

**Edited out unnecessarily mean bit, sorry OP!

A lot of offensive stereotypes in this thread. ND people can be sociable and empathetic. It's shocking that has to be said.

I could've written the OP. I also had friends point out that my "quirks" suggested neurodiversity, and that was part of my journey to discovering that I wasn't "weird", just autistic. It isn't a label I strongly identify with and in a way I do disagree with pathologising what is a different but equally valid way of thinking and existing. But there's still nothing offensive about being called autistic, so it might be worth examining why you seem to find it offensive, OP (I know you say there's nothing wrong with it, but that's still the vibe this gives off, rightly or wrongly).

Yes, nobody can definitively armchair diagnose, but you mention an awful lot of textbook traits.

Well, your description of your traits are fairly obviously very typical ND traits. NT people don't display all of those traits I would say. If other people are assuming you are ND because of these traits then you are fairly obviously presenting as different, whether you have been diagnosed or not.
It is rude of people to come out and say it though.
A daughter of a friend of mine seems to be very obviously autistic (what used to be called aspergers) but I would never suggest to my friend or her daughter that I thought so because it's none of my business.

What a weird bunch of friends you have. I have a couple of colleagues who I suspect are autistic, and a couple of make friends. No-one ever mentions it. It’s their business.

I guess MN has taught me that if someone says something rude, just immediately stare them down and say “how rude”!

These people are rude to assume something about you (and by extension your daughter) so that would be my “stock phrase” suggestion.

It is not insulting to be called gay either, because there is absolutely nothing wrong with being gay. Still my DH spent a few unhappy years in secondary school because people called him gay or assumed he was gay even though he was not. Mind, he wasn't bullied. People just didn't take him seriously when he said he was straight because he was soft-spoken, didn't like sports and didn't have a very masculine look. Don't give people a label that is at odds with their own self-image, especially if that label is a complex clinical diagnosis. I don't know why that even needs to be said.

I agree with you and I think its part of a greater social irritant where everybody wants to diagnose or label everyone else. Its like Google has given everyone a PhD

That’s so interesting - I was definitely that child with slightly different responses, and both my dc are similar. They get much better support these days and help with social cues though.

The only kid who bullied my DS at primary was ND himself funnily enough - much more severely so that DS, but he was the biggest strongest, Sept born boy, with parents with pots of money to buy friendships, so he absolutely ruled the roost. Not blaming the kid as he has quite severe issues but it was a horrible time.

embrace-autism.com/raads-r/

I agree with PP that your friends and family shouldn’t be diagnosing you as they do not have the appropriate qualifications or training. YANBU for that. I guess it might be good to ask them why are they doing that to you? Do they think you need support and a diagnosis would help or are they just doing it as you are different from them? Do you think you need any support in your life OP? My in-laws diagnose my BIL with autism behind his back - ie he will behave in a way that they don’t agree with or give a view that is different to them and they say ‘we think he’s autistic’ as a way to dismiss his views/ actions and not reflect on their own- it’s really inappropriate IMO.

I did not say that it was ok to press the issue if someone's uncomfortable!

Just reading above the posts saying if someone is bullied is a cue for others to believe they are "ND" is ridiculous. Such pathologising does not allow for the fact that children and people are inherently different in so many ways. Because you are quiet / studious etc for example does not make you ND. I hate the constant pathologising; it's unhelpful and actually I think there's generally an undertone of "there's something wrong with you" or whatever. All remarks pathologising as such come across as having an undertone of nastiness or judginess, and I don't think it's generally helpful or even insightful.

To add to this I would also add that the elements that go into making a human being and developing their character can also affect beyond their innate brain wiring. For example, a child or person who has experienced trauma may give less eye contact, a person who grew up in certain circumstances (for example, if intelligence was highly prized) may be more motivated towards studying hard etc. It's stupid and unhelpful to pathologise in these ways where you're accusing people of ND. And actually generally quite nasty I think.

My autistic daughter is so emphatic that it becomes distressing for her. Look up hyper empathy

I have ASD and I'd definitely guess you are ND too from the list you provided. I also have no problem with empathy and am considered tolerant. I was diagnosed at 60+. I went to my GP for a referral after reading a MN thread, oddly enough.

You have a lot of traits commonly found in neurodiverse females.

Neurodiverse isn't an insult. But if people are repeatedly misidentifying you while knowing you are not diagnosed/do not wish to be considered neurodiverse then I understand the issue. They should be respecting your self ID. that being said, it was fucking mind destroyingly infuriating when my mum refused to acknowledge that she is neurodiverse becuase she therefore refused to acknowledge that her behaviours/expectations werent appropriate.

You sound autistic to me. If it doesn't bother you then fine, you don't have to get a diagnosis if you're not struggling. But if other people are pointing out behaviours that bother them that they attribute to autism, you still have to address the issue even if you don't think you're autistic. I.e being "hyper" in inappropriate situations for example, you still have to rein it in, whether you think its caused by ND or not.

You sound like a lot of later diagnosed women I know who can mask to a degree and are on the lower support needs end of neurodiversty. There's an autobiography called Drama Queen written by someone who was late diagnosed about the different ways that can present and how's it's interpreted. It might be worth a read. My friends and I have a running joke that its weird that I do so many things like them or more significant when I'm the only neurotypical one. The reality is just that I haven't been diagnosed and it's possible my ADHD type traits are due to trauma and attachment. Pretty unlikely though. I'm wondering why it's bothering you so much?

Most I’d expect!