To find it rude when people call me ND/autistic/ADHD?

[OneStop99]

I've created a throw away account because this is quite personal.

Throughout my life people have assumed that I'm neurodivergent. I often get called autistic/ADHD etc even though I have never been diagnosed and do not believe I am. Even my closest friends have used terms such as 'indigo child'. My best friend often calls me a xxxxxx (removed as causes offence) said lightheartedly and with no malice.

I really don't understand why people make that assumption about me. The only things that come to mind are:

• I can't sit through a film (it's not my thing, I prefer watching series of I do watch TV which is rarely)

• I am academic (straight A*s at GCSE & took A levels early) but I don't really see why that matters

• I don't always get other people's jokes, I don't know why that is, I tend to be quite literal and people don't always understand my humour. I am quite ironic and funnily enough people take my jokes literally when they are in fact jokes 🤣

• people have commented on sensory issues but I mean, no one likes the feel of wet sand, or certain fabrics etc. Everyone is going to be irritated by an high pitched noise, very bright white lights, and I think a lot of neurotypical people get overwhelmed in a hot and busy shopping centre. To me these seem normal aversions rather than sensory issues.

• I am happy to eat the same meal over and over again until I get bored then will switch to something else. I go through phases. I find it takes the stress away, don't have to think about meal planning, I like to know what I'm having. I know it might seem strange to eat chicken broccoli and rice every night for 2 months but I do have a balanced diet even if it is a bit samey

• I get very focused on a particular hobby, I really put everything into it, then will switch to something else for a while. If I focus on one thing at a time I make better progress and kind of rotate between different things.

• make quite impulsive decisions. But hey, life is too short.

• can be pretty full on (hyper)

• I like repetitive tasks..I find it relaxing.

• I guess I'm just a free spirit, I don't try to fit in.

Reasons why I don't think Im ND

• I am able to empathise with others
• I consider myself quite a sociable person
• I don't have melt downs etc. I'm actually very tolerant/chilled outt And there are very few things that actually bother me

-able to live with others no problem
-dont feel like I struggle with anything such as time keeping (always on time), planning (Im good at planning if there is a reason to do so) or socially

• was an early talker, no communication difficulties when I was younger

Sorry for the long post. I guess my question is am I completely delusional? Or do you think it's rude to call someone ND when they do not have a diagnosis/ are not self diagnosed?

***DISCLAIMER - I really do not want to cause offense by this. I don't think ND is a bad thing at all! In fact I think some of the best minds are neurodivergent. The thing that has rattled me is being labelled when I do not believe there is a basis for it. I also think it is unfair to people who are ND and genuinely struggle.

Interesting thread, I'm ND. Most my family are. My parents have or did have learning disabilities and I struggle to learn, but I'd say I had difficulties but not disabilities in the way my parents have. I've been reading lots about ND over the last few years as all my DC display signs and 2 have been diagnosed with LD and ASD.

The old triad of impairment is very outdated and neurodiversity isn't people who solely lack imagination and empathy.
If we consider that that alot of people who'd be described as "empaths" (yes, ick word I know) will have adhd or possibly BPD because it's stemmed from trauma and things such as C-PTSD, they're able to read the room and pick up on emotions due to the skill of pattern recognition. Especially victims of child abuse or domestic violence. That counteracts lack of empathy for a huge majority of ND population. These people not only have the empathy to know there is someone struggling but also have the desires to help those people.
Lots of women especially with adhd have led very traumatic lives. Most my good friends have neurodiversity, they're all strong, intelligent and caring women. I'm proud of them all because each day is a struggle. Our most commonly used phrase in our group chat is "I understand" because we've all spent years being misunderstood or misunderstanding.

Autism and adhd can overlap of course but autism appears to be genetic but adhd the more information discovered about it seems to develop.

I think nd for things such as BPD and ADHD, maybe even types of bipolar seem to be responses to trauma as where asd seems something that you're born with.

Being ND has always been a thing lots of people where I think now people see it more and just discuss it more openly but don't let it upset you @OneStop99 x

Autism is a social communication disorder that essentially means that the unwritten rules of communication are never learnt without concrete teaching. DS2 had social skills teaching. Didn't really help. He still doesn't get social interaction but I guess he muddles through without overwhelming anxiety so that is a plus.

The NT child absorbs these and adheres to them but feels uncomfortable when someone else does not. So simple things like physical space, eye contact, turn taking, interrupting etc make them recognise something is wrong in the interaction. NT kids hone in on difference. .

In some ways assuming that someone who regularly breaks social 'rules' is ND is positive. Better than the alternatives.

I suspect that your friends are less concerned about empathy. It's red herring. Diagnosis is a red herring.

Your daughter is key. Unfortunately there is a strong genetic component. If you are autistic it's likely your DC will be too. Works both ways - if your DC is autistic it's likely that you were too but undiagnosed. It's just reality. It's not learnt traits. Don't let your fears about yourself stop you getting support for her if she needs it.

Autism isn't "being quirky" or a few preferences, tastes or personality variations, and it's beyond depressing to have poster after poster declare that it is.

Can anyone even qualify as NT any more? The list of "you're definitely ND!" seems to widen by the day according to these threads and often the things contradict (plan really well/disorganised, talked late/early, did well at school/didn't, struggle at life/highly successful - all signs, apparently. Anything not 100% average in every possible way).

It's probably why actual ND people, while benefiting from greater awareness on one hand, are on the other treated like they've just jumped on the latest fad. "Oooh we're all a bit autistic aren't we?"

Also to a PP - nd doesn't always "come from" a parent (and anyway which one?). Not everyone in an immediate family is always ND. Too simplistic, ignores de novo elements. Don't assume a person is/isnt autistic because their child/sibling/parent is/isnt

I have this too OP. My friend got diagnosed with ADHD and now constantly tells me that I am. I don't care. A diagnosis would mean nothing to me, I'm so bored of it. I live my life perfectly happily. I do have an autistic child.

It is Instagram and tik tok that cause people to decide they must be too and diagnose everyone they bloody know. Don't insult my autistic daughter with this bullshit

It’s not that easy to be diagnosed. An individual must meet all three of the following criteria: Difficulties in social emotional reciprocity, including trouble with social approach, back and forth conversation, sharing interests with others, and expressing/understanding emotions. We had DD assessed and she didn’t meet all of the above so no diagnosis was given. She has traits but you have to meet all of the criteria across all of the framework. It seems for us DD didn’t show signs or enough signs from early childhood. They concluded she probably has anxiety rather than a neurodiversity.

Why is rude to suggest someone is autistic or has ADHD? Its not an insult.

Why is rude to suggest someone is autistic or has ADHD? Its not an insult.

Having pnd depression isn't an insult but I got fed up and found it very rude a friend kept trying to insist I had it like she did - and she knew better than me, my GP and DH.

Turned out she didn't actually have pnd but hypothyroidism only finally spotted when she developed a goiter by a locum despite bloods being taken to check for condition they weren't looked at as GP diagnosed pnd by then.

I don't know why people are suggesting Op is ND - to undermine her, to validate their knowledge or because they have real concerns.

But Op going about her daily life probably doesn't enjoy having her quirks or behaviors pointed out and used to bolster other positions - she just wants to go about her day.

Op makes it clear she find it rude people telling her she is ND when she has no diagnosis and doesn't think she is and personally I think she right - she not asking their opinion about herself and how she is.

Adhd and asd are hard to spot in many women. I think it's easier to see in children - if you think back to when you were a child you may get some clues.

I had no idea until I adopted two girls, who were both subsequently diagnosed. They are both very different. One was diagnosed aged 7 but it was another 8 years before her older sister was diagnosed - even with all the information I, and the professionals, had about autism and the younger sister's diagnosis, we didn't spot it. This is because everyone has their own ideas about what autism looks like and we are often limiting the breadth of what it encompasses. Plus we all use various strategies to mask.

I'm not saying you have asd or adhd, but you might. I realise I probably have both. I have never been formally diagnosed but I tick so many boxes. And I realise it runs like a seam through my dad's family.

I found the book "Twirling Naked in the Rain and Nobody Noticed" really useful re asd. And for adhd Richard Pink and his wife Roxie, who do loads on social media.

I have found it helps me understand why I do certain things, and explain it to my husband. Like, I get bored with eg tennis after about 10 minutes, I doodle over the newspaper, I leave stuff randomly about, I drop what I'm doing and do something else..I don't like certain textures, can't stand light touch, can't bear to hear people eat, can't make small talk...

It means I don't feel obliged to comply with stuff I don't want to do any more. Like having people round to the house. I feel I can be more authentic.

... But the diagnosis criteria doesn't say things like "are you sociable?" - it's about autistic people struggling with social cues. So it would be your point about not getting jokes. I know loads of autistic people who are super chatty and sociable, but they might tend to talk at length about a topic even if the other person wasn't that keen.

Equally there's nothing saying autistic people can't be empathic.

Um...you do sound very ND. Nowt wrong with that!

Yeah you're not neurotypical, sorry.

The point is that, unless she’s harming them, it’s none of their business. And rude to say so, particularly in such an offensive way.

OP, you sound a lot like me. I have no diagnosis but I suspect I have a ‘different’ brain to most people, which I guess might make me ND. I was also an early talker, am sociable, get jokes, can read social cues etc. But I know my mind works a bit differently to most people. I’m ok with it.

The important thing is that it doesn’t do me or others any harm, apart from getting overwhelmed sometimes, so why worry?

Tell your friends you might be but are ok with not pursuing a diagnosis.

The 4 reasons you don't think you aren't ND aren't actual reasons. Autistic individuals have empathy, many don't have meltdowns at all and are quite chilled and plenty have no early communication issues.

Honestly, everything you have described sounds like autism.

And there is NOTHING wrong with that.

And yes, your friends are knobs for going on about it.

This stuff can be used as an insult so I understand where the OP is coming from.

I had a boss once armchair diagnose me with these conditions. What he actually meant was, "You don't always agree with me and therefore there must be something 'wrong' with you."

There was certainly something wrong with HIM.

You may need nicer friends, OP!

You might want to look up how ADHD and autism manifest in women.

Your post is ignorant tbh.

Reasons why I don't think Im ND
I am able to empathise with others
I consider myself quite a sociable person
I don't have melt downs etc. I'm actually very tolerant/chilled outt And there are very few things that actually bother me

-able to live with others no problem
-dont feel like I struggle with anything such as time keeping (always on time), planning (Im good at planning if there is a reason to do so) or socially

was an early talker, no communication difficulties when I was younger

There are a lot of ND people who would also fit these criteria.

You may be NT. But your knowledge of what characteristics of being ND is off and doesn't reflect well on you. There is a broad range of what someone who is ND is like. You are pandering in an inflexible manner to stereotypes... (Hmmm).

A diagnosis is given if someone's life is impacted hugely. Not because they forget their keys and are good at maths ffs

You sound great!

Maybe he was the one who was ND!

I just knew there would be one! The OP finds it rude for people to make assumptions or to be given an unsolicited diagnosis, and I agree it is quite rude to do so. Whether she may be on the spectrum is neither here nor there, for the purposes of how these people are treating her. It does not sound like it’s a good friend asking whether she has considered she might be ND or gently suggesting she should consider investigating a diagnosis: that would not be rude, imo.

Wow. I wasn't expecting so many responses. Thank you everyone.

I do want to answer a couple of questions that keep cropping up.
Why are you reluctant to get tested?

Why are you so adamant you are not ND?

Most of my 'quirks' or behaviours that are typically associated with spectrum disorders appeared as a teenager/adult. Autism is something you are born with, not something you acquire. For example, hyper focusing for me was a coping mechanism as I had a dysfunctional family life - it was a way to block everything out. I had no stability in childhood, so eating the same meals etc. gives the that comfort/reassurance. I can understand why outwardly it may present as ND, but in my heart I know that these are most likely learned behaviours to cope with trauma. The reason I get annoyed, even when well meaning people say "have you considered testing for ADHD/Autism" is because it is a constant reminder for me that I am a product of my past. It makes me wonder would I have been more popular or successful or likeable or 'normal' had I not had to live through many years of traumatic experiences. I think it is unfair to people with ASD to armchair diagnose people who may show similar behaviours.

Also, to address the 'empathy' comment I made. I accept that that was unfair and perhaps distasteful. I'm not an expert in ASD, I haven't researched it fully. I'm not entirely ignorant but do not know the full range of ASD symptoms. I sincerely apologise if that offended anyone. It wasn't my intention.

The strange things is that everyone I meet seems to make these assumptions about me,for the last 10 years. This makes me self conscious (and probably a little awkward) around new people because I am worried now about seeming different (probably helping to confirm their suspicions!)

@BrotherViolence @SmileyHappyPeopleInTheSun

Your understanding of these conditions might be different to the diagnostic criteria.

So until you are assessed, you won't know if other people have corrected identified certain features that are related to the condition.

If you want to put this to bed, get assessed.

No I haven't 🙂

Hello

I worded my post too harshly in retrospect - I think it's just the implication that it is bad to be ND, because why else would it upset you? But you did explain that and I can imagine why you'd feel kind of under a spotlight if it keeps coming up.

It's ultimately up to you whether you want to dismiss what they're saying or perhaps investigate it further. If you don't need a label then obviously that is great! I found it helpful in understanding myself better, though, and I was able to be kinder to myself when I understood better some of the challenges I'd faced growing up.