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Original poster

Would you leave dh over this?

274 replies

pringlesandcheese · 04/10/2024 11:26

I've been married for 10 years and have 3 children together.
Dh fished out an old iPad from back when I first met him that he said I could use to read on while I was unwell as my phone is too small, he booted it up for the first time since right after we met.
I noticed on it were hundreds of messages to woman on his old fb friends list all basically saying the same thing that he'd liked them for ages and asking them out.
Unfortunately I was one of these woman and had taken the bate where nobody else had so instead of him genuinely being interested in me, he's just asked out hundreds of people all at once and I was the mug that accepted and now we're married.
He was desperate for a girlfriend and anyone would do and I just happened to fall in his net.
We have a happy marriage but It all feels so meaningless now.

OP posts:
Blanketyre · 04/10/2024 11:28

Ouch. That must have hurt OP. Why on earth would he have made sure you saw these messages?

MummyJ36 · 04/10/2024 11:29

Wowww. That must have stung so badly. I’d give him a chance to explain but I 100% understand your upset.

Original poster
pringlesandcheese · 04/10/2024 11:30

Blanketyre · 04/10/2024 11:28

Ouch. That must have hurt OP. Why on earth would he have made sure you saw these messages?

He didn't make sure, they were just still on there, he doesn't have that fb account anymore but the messages were still there, mostly unanswered.

OP posts:
InformerYaNoSayDaddyMeSnowMeIGoBlameALickyBoom · 04/10/2024 11:30

I would be pretty hurt, but I wouldn't leave.

I would be needing a lot of reassurance for a while though.

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 04/10/2024 11:30

I can understand your hurt but I don't think I would leave him over this.

Try and reframe it. Instead of thinking of him as a wannabe player who was spinning a line to loads of women perhaps try and think of him as a hopeless romantic who thought that if he sent out loads of messages fate would intervene and send him 'the one'. Which is exactly what happened.

CaptainMyCaptain · 04/10/2024 11:32

I can understand your feelings but maybe think of it more like online dating where both parties out put feelers, go on dates and then pick one person to continue a relationship with. Maybe you weren't the only one who 'took the bait' but you were the one he chose.

You say you have been happily married for 10 tears so something must be right.

Blanketyre · 04/10/2024 11:33

pringlesandcheese · 04/10/2024 11:30

He didn't make sure, they were just still on there, he doesn't have that fb account anymore but the messages were still there, mostly unanswered.

Show quote history

He did make sure you saw them. He didn't delete them and he gave you the iPad that they were on.

What has he said?

Blanketyre · 04/10/2024 11:34

I would feel mortified as friends at your wedding knew he'd asked them out first.

Whatafustercluck · 04/10/2024 11:34

CaptainMyCaptain · 04/10/2024 11:32

I can understand your feelings but maybe think of it more like online dating where both parties out put feelers, go on dates and then pick one person to continue a relationship with. Maybe you weren't the only one who 'took the bait' but you were the one he chose.

You say you have been happily married for 10 tears so something must be right.

I was going to say this. He's basically done a load of swipe rights (or is it left?) and gone on a date with you that ended happily for you both.

Is your marriage happy? Does he treat you well? Do you suspect him of cheating or is he loyal? If he's a good man and you love each other (which you must after 10yrs and 3 kids!) then I'd ignore.

ConiferBat · 04/10/2024 11:35

Are you happy in the here & now?

I ask because while I'd definitely be a bit shaken by this revelation, I wouldn't consider chucking 10y of marriage & my family in the bin over it.

My DH now is a very different man than the boy I met. Isn't your DH?

FrenchandSaunders · 04/10/2024 11:35

I would be upset but if I loved him and the marriage was good I wouldn't leave over it. 10 years is a long time and it's obviously working out for you guys. If you had met and hadn't clicked then it wouldn't have taken off would it. He wanted a girlfriend and he set out to find one, is that really any different than chatting up hundreds of girls in bars/clubs every weekend?

Original poster
pringlesandcheese · 04/10/2024 11:35

I haven't told him that I've seen them and I don't suppose he would have given it a thought with it being so long ago.

OP posts:
MyOwnToes · 04/10/2024 11:35

No I wouldn’t consider leaving over something like this. It’s a bit embarrassing for him but not that different to him liking lots of people on a dating app and one ending up with him.

Yes he was a bit desperate for a date and did something embarrassing but everything after that- your relationship, marriage and children- are real. I wouldn’t even consider throwing all that away over what is basically nothing.

Sodthebloodymealplan · 04/10/2024 11:36

Is it any different to someone trying their chat up lines on multiple people until one responds?

FrenchandSaunders · 04/10/2024 11:36

Have a chat to him, get some reassurance. I doubt he wanted you to see them, quite the opposite, he's prob got no idea they are still on that ipad.

AnonymousBleep · 04/10/2024 11:37

It is a bit mortifying but not marriage-ending. He wanted a girlfriend - there's no crime in that. And it worked out with you and not any of the others but that doesn't mean he 'settled' for you. I'd definitely tell him if I was you though, if only to take the piss out of him!

Arlanymor · 04/10/2024 11:37

No, it was a decade ago and presumably you are both happy now? It's not a reason to leave, it's the equivalent of him as a single man going to a speed dating event and ticking lots of 'would date' boxes on the form at the end.

The use of 'I took the bait' was a bit telling though, it sounds as if you feel that you were tricked somehow? That's a strange way to frame things if you liked him and still do to this day. And it wasn't hundreds was it? Maybe a handful?

jjblack · 04/10/2024 11:39

Would I leave DH over this? No. As you said you're happily married with 3 children, why break that up for some messages 10 years ago before you were officially an item. I do think if you're upset it's important to let him know as open and honest communication is important. But I honestly don't think he did anything wrong, he obviously just used Facebook as an online dating tool, which ultimately worked as it led him to you. I can understand you being upset that his initial message to you wasn't as meaningful as you once thought it was, and I would tell him that you're hurt by that. But I wouldn't go in all guns blazing and accusing him of all sorts as, like I said, he didn't technically do anything wrong. I would just tell him in a way that lets him know this is the reason you might be a bit off with him at the moment, and you just need time to come to terms with that.

thismummydrinksgin · 04/10/2024 11:40

He may have cast his fishing net wide but he wouldn't have stayed with you if he didn't love you. He wanted to date and yes asked lots of women out but ultimately he got to know you and then made decisions based on that. He didn't continue to do this after you got together he choose you.

LePetitMaman · 04/10/2024 11:41

Yes, he's spammed a load of women he knew, waiting to see who would bite.

In a similar way to how you might internet date, and send messages to lots of profiles.

However. And this is the critical thing: Do you really think he'd have married you and had three children, just because you're the mug that answered?

Yes, you might have taken the bait so to speak, and that gave rise to the first date (and the rest is history) and many others were given that opportunity....but have you never been on a date and thought, jeez this is never happening again? You really think he had bugger all interest, but signed up for marriage and three kids because you said yes to a date first?? Both of you could have declined a second date. Or a tenth. But you didn't. Neither of you.

It's a bit of a kicker to realise the initial interest wasn't as special to you as you thought it was, but three children later, surely you see you're no mug.

Have a happy marriage x

Xiaoxiong · 04/10/2024 11:42

I also wouldn't consider throwing 10 years away. DH and I were students when we met 20 years ago and did all sorts of cringy things that students do like pulling other people at parties or whatever and may have had a few overlaps with other boy/girlfriends because we were immature young fools.

I'm sure there were about 5 people he could easily have ended up with, as there may have been for me (ahem)... but we grew up, committed to each other and we're celebrating our 15th wedding anniversary next year, we're a team and that's what matters.

Blanketyre · 04/10/2024 11:43

I think it's a bit worse than online dating as presumably they were actual friends of his - unless he was a creep who invited loads of women that he didn't know to be friends on FB.

Foxblue · 04/10/2024 11:44

Honestly, it depends how he is with you now - does he make you feel loved, cherished, desired, respected, as an individual and not just 'his wife'? Or has this made you look at your relationship and realise a few things?

Original poster
pringlesandcheese · 04/10/2024 11:46

I think it's just the fact that I believed him when he said he'd liked me for ages and been trying to find the courage to ask me out and thought he was just chasing me.
He was only in his 20s then and hadn't really had a proper girlfriend but he does treat me well and our marriage is good, I just feel hurt that I could have been anyone of those woman who got the same message.

OP posts:
bifurCAT · 04/10/2024 11:47

I don't see how this is any different than dating in general. You date a lot to find the one. You kiss a lot of frogs.

Assuming OLD, how many messages did you send and/or receive with other men before finally ending up with one?

Next we're going to find out he wasn't a virgin!

I get the 'sting', they were just messages. He married you.