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Original poster

Would you leave dh over this?

274 replies

pringlesandcheese · 04/10/2024 11:26

I've been married for 10 years and have 3 children together.
Dh fished out an old iPad from back when I first met him that he said I could use to read on while I was unwell as my phone is too small, he booted it up for the first time since right after we met.
I noticed on it were hundreds of messages to woman on his old fb friends list all basically saying the same thing that he'd liked them for ages and asking them out.
Unfortunately I was one of these woman and had taken the bate where nobody else had so instead of him genuinely being interested in me, he's just asked out hundreds of people all at once and I was the mug that accepted and now we're married.
He was desperate for a girlfriend and anyone would do and I just happened to fall in his net.
We have a happy marriage but It all feels so meaningless now.

OP posts:
CaptainMyCaptain · 04/10/2024 11:49

Blanketyre · 04/10/2024 11:43

I think it's a bit worse than online dating as presumably they were actual friends of his - unless he was a creep who invited loads of women that he didn't know to be friends on FB.

I think that's a bit harsh.

Miffylou · 04/10/2024 11:51

I can understand why finding out about this was unpleasant, but I think you’re over-thinking it. He might not have been genuinely interested in you to start off with, but that obviously changed as soon as he got to know you better. It’s you he wanted to marry and stay with.

divinededacende · 04/10/2024 11:52

You've been in a happy marriage for 10 years. I'd be mortified if I was him and I realised you'd seen this.

We can all have the romanticised view of finding the right one but the reality is, people are out there trying to find connection and they're lucky if they land on someone they can happily settle down with. It's messy. Your husbands attempts are a bit blunt, possibly a bit sad but maybe he was a bit hopeless and had no clue what he was doing? He obviously had 0 game.

I think we'd all feel a bit less special than we'd like to think we are if we saw our partners old dating profiles and chat histories. He found you, and you've been happy so you've both came through ok.

Unless I had any genuine suspicions about his current behaviour, I wouldn't even bring this up. I

MounjaroUser · 04/10/2024 11:53

But once you started to date he wouldn't have continued unless he really liked you, would he? I can see you must be really hurt, but I'd go by what he was like when you first started to actually see each other.

betterangels · 04/10/2024 11:55

We can all have the romanticised view of finding the right one but the reality is, people are out there trying to find connection and they're lucky if they land on someone they can happily settle down with. It's messy. Your husbands attempts are a bit blunt, possibly a bit sad but maybe he was a bit hopeless and had no clue what he was doing? He obviously had 0 game.

This. You say it's a happy marriage. You're overthinking decade old messages.

Original poster
pringlesandcheese · 04/10/2024 11:57

Maybe I am overthinking a bit, it wasn't what I was expecting to see so I was a bit shocked and upset.
It will teach me for opening the message app.

I don't think any good will come of bringing it up accept I'll look like I was snooping through his iPad that he let me use with good intention.

OP posts:
Springsnowflakes · 04/10/2024 11:59

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 04/10/2024 11:30

I can understand your hurt but I don't think I would leave him over this.

Try and reframe it. Instead of thinking of him as a wannabe player who was spinning a line to loads of women perhaps try and think of him as a hopeless romantic who thought that if he sent out loads of messages fate would intervene and send him 'the one'. Which is exactly what happened.

Edited

Agree to this

That is all history and you have a happy marriage. He probably forgot that was there.

It is similar to online dating. It takes time and effort to meet the right one

divinededacende · 04/10/2024 12:02

pringlesandcheese · 04/10/2024 11:57

Maybe I am overthinking a bit, it wasn't what I was expecting to see so I was a bit shocked and upset.
It will teach me for opening the message app.

I don't think any good will come of bringing it up accept I'll look like I was snooping through his iPad that he let me use with good intention.

I get that. We all have a narrative running in our head about what our life has been and this changes that or you. You need to adjust but it's ok to be thrown while you process it. It doesn't cancel out all of his good qualities or any of the happiness you've had.

user86345625434 · 04/10/2024 12:05

I wouldn’t leave, no. You say it’s a happy marriage and 3 kids…how would you explain it to them one day? “Well before we got together, your father messaged other women” I can understand your upset seeing it written down, but its just the modern digital equivalent of chatting people up in a bar, which my generation had no record of! - forget about it.

bignosebignose · 04/10/2024 12:07

For all you know, in a parallel universe, he went on dates with twenty of those other women and didn't marry and have a family with any of them because they weren't The One. Because you are.

divinededacende · 04/10/2024 12:07

user86345625434 · 04/10/2024 12:05

I wouldn’t leave, no. You say it’s a happy marriage and 3 kids…how would you explain it to them one day? “Well before we got together, your father messaged other women” I can understand your upset seeing it written down, but its just the modern digital equivalent of chatting people up in a bar, which my generation had no record of! - forget about it.

Christ, that's terrifying. If my clumsy and wildly unsuccessful flirting in bars in my early 20's was on record anywhere, I wouldn't even date me 🤣.

Saphire123 · 04/10/2024 12:10

He chose you, you chose him, 10 years down the line you have a happy marriage, we all did daft things before we settled down, get over it.

Personally I would mention I had seen it, if something is bothering you, it's always better out than in.

Garlicbest · 04/10/2024 12:10

divinededacende · 04/10/2024 12:02

I get that. We all have a narrative running in our head about what our life has been and this changes that or you. You need to adjust but it's ok to be thrown while you process it. It doesn't cancel out all of his good qualities or any of the happiness you've had.

Show quote history

Yep. OP, I'm pretty hard-line about ending relationships that no longer work or have become unfair, and I agree fully with this quote!

KTB (Keep The Bastard). And get well soon Flowers

Lurkingandlearning · 04/10/2024 12:13

pringlesandcheese · 04/10/2024 11:57

Maybe I am overthinking a bit, it wasn't what I was expecting to see so I was a bit shocked and upset.
It will teach me for opening the message app.

I don't think any good will come of bringing it up accept I'll look like I was snooping through his iPad that he let me use with good intention.

That’s how you should look at it and what PPs have said about their husbands being completely different in their 20s to who they are now. He was young but very practical. It doesn’t mean he was a player as he didn’t look around any more once you were together.

I would have had exactly the same reaction as you at first. Having thought about it though, you’ve read the messages of a complete stranger in a way because he was a stranger to you when he wrote them. It’s a weird situation, isn’t it. I hope you can put it out of your mind and stay happy.

Nogaxeh · 04/10/2024 12:13

pringlesandcheese · 04/10/2024 11:46

I think it's just the fact that I believed him when he said he'd liked me for ages and been trying to find the courage to ask me out and thought he was just chasing me.
He was only in his 20s then and hadn't really had a proper girlfriend but he does treat me well and our marriage is good, I just feel hurt that I could have been anyone of those woman who got the same message.

I can see where you're coming from. Not much courage involved if he copied and pasted the same message to a hundred different women. You now feel like you were misled.

I know that I want to feel like I'm special for my OH, but realistically there are many millions of people in the world and there have to be a few others that they could have made a life with.

What really makes us special to each other is the life that we've lived together, the years of love and generosity, laughter and empathy. I think that's probably true for you too and worth holding on to.

I would think about talking to him about it though. I think it helps for a couple to have a shared story about how their relationship started, and having this as a secret could eat away at you. Obviously not in a confrontational way, but if he would tell you when he knew that you were special to him it would help you to recreate that shared story of the beginning of your relationship that was based on something true, and you could more easily laugh off that he'd started with a scattergun approach.

mushpush · 04/10/2024 12:15

I mean honestly - did he actually message hundreds of women? Are you genuinely saying he sent 200+ messages to women he was friends with?

It's a shit thing to see and I'm sure it made you feel a bit rubbish, but just because you replied to the message doesn't mean you are now married and in a 10 year relationship because you were the first to reply! If he didn't like you, the relationship wouldn't have continued, you wouldn't have got married / had kids if he didn't want to - the initial date might have come about through him chatting up a few people at once (literally the premise of online dating!) but the relationship after didn't.

Blanketyre · 04/10/2024 12:16

CaptainMyCaptain · 04/10/2024 11:49

I think that's a bit harsh.

Show quote history

Just wondering how he had hundreds of single FB women friends to message in the first place!

Growlybear83 · 04/10/2024 12:17

If the messages were from before you started going out with him, then I don't see the problem. It's not as if he was proposing marriage in his messages - he was just asking a number of women out. You accepted, and presumably your relationship developed, you fell in love, and got married. It's no different to a man asking loads of women out in a club or pub, it's just that you've seen evidence of this, and the other women he asked out are so meaningless that he didn;t bother to delete the messages.

BlackStrayCat · 04/10/2024 12:18

It was a decade ago!
Before you got together!

Starfish3 · 04/10/2024 12:20

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Courgettesandonions · 04/10/2024 12:20

No different to messaging lots of people on online dating platforms. It's a leap to think that he would easily have married one of the others if they had replied. That's not how dating and relationships work.

Blanketyre · 04/10/2024 12:20

I would cringe myself inside out if I discovered that dh had done this. It's not the same as chatting someone up in a bar. It's literally mass messaging women you don't know and haven't seen in RL to go out with you. Particularly if noone replied except the OP!

PrettyPickle · 04/10/2024 12:20

Nooooo....absolutely not, unless there are some other pretty major issues in yur marriage.

Its tough for guys asking someone out and not everyone is a natural and so when they find a chat up line that works they stick with it. Its naïve and stupid but do you seriously believe he would have married you just because anyone would do?

I understand it would be upsetting to see what you have, but some blokes lack confidence and there natural personality stumbles when faced with the difficulty of asking someone out. It got you out of the starting gates on a date, what came after that was an entirely different matter. What you have is a happy marriage - how it kicked off maybe under a pretence but the end result sounds pretty good to me. I wouldn't mention it to him.

Now if you were adding into the mix that every female he messaged was a multi millionaire and he was just after a cushy life, you may have something to worry about but the reality is, he proposed, you accepted and from what you say, you have a good marriage. Is it worth losing what you have?

PennyApril54 · 04/10/2024 12:21

I can totally see why this has upset you but in the grand scheme of things it doesn't really tell you much. Yes he must've really wanted to go on dates and get to know people back then. Dating is so hard when you're single. He's used the "scatter gun' approach to see who likes him back having messaged those who he found attractive and was interested in getting to know (one of which was you). This was only the very first step to initiate an opportunity to get to know someone better. It's what happened next that really matters i.e. you liked each other, dated more, stayed together. Has he not fallen for you he certainly would have returned to the drawing board. Id laugh it off. Delete them and never mention it again. It's honestly no big deal .

Goodluckanddontfitup · 04/10/2024 12:21

I can see that it would be upsetting to see that, but as others have said, you obviously fell in love and you must know that it’s real, he wouldn’t have married you if it didn’t turn into genuine love and it sounds like you have a happy family, so that’s really all that matters!