Would you leave dh over this?

[pringlesandcheese]

I've been married for 10 years and have 3 children together.
Dh fished out an old iPad from back when I first met him that he said I could use to read on while I was unwell as my phone is too small, he booted it up for the first time since right after we met.
I noticed on it were hundreds of messages to woman on his old fb friends list all basically saying the same thing that he'd liked them for ages and asking them out.
Unfortunately I was one of these woman and had taken the bate where nobody else had so instead of him genuinely being interested in me, he's just asked out hundreds of people all at once and I was the mug that accepted and now we're married.
He was desperate for a girlfriend and anyone would do and I just happened to fall in his net.
We have a happy marriage but It all feels so meaningless now.

This is exactly what I think. More fool the other women - you got your lovely husband of ten years - their loss, your gain.

You have a happy marriage after ten years and three children.

Do you know how rare that is?

If you’re happy now then try to let it go. I wouldn’t even bring it up with him if he’s a good husband to you

Definitely wouldn't leave him over this if he is a good husband!
Yes, you 'took the bait' and agreed to see him. But then you got to know him better, and he did you, and it's on THAT basis that you fell in love and decided to get married. And THAT wouldn't have happened with all the others. They might have had some dates, but doesn't mean they would have ended up getting married!
It's exactly like online dating.
It's not how it starts that matters, but what develops over the course of the relationship.
Sounds like he was needy, and you are a bit lacking in confidence and this idea that he 'liked you for ages before', and pursued you before finally winning you over is an important thing for your self esteem. Agree it's not nice to hear, but I wouldn't over think it. I would probably mention it to him in a sort of joking way - to get it out of your system, and see what he says and make him squirm a bit. But I wouldn't make a big deal out of it and i think you need to be more secure in your relationship. If i were him I would reply to you something along the lines of 'yes, I had a narrow escape, can you imagine me with so-and-so, thank God you rescued me' sort of thing!

I would think that l was the lucky one that said YES tbh OP.

Can anyone truly hand on heart say we don't have things in our past that we aren't necessarily proud of if our OH's found out about them?

It's ancient history, followed by 10 years of happy marriage and 3 kids. It would be fucking insane to break up over something like this.

@Arlanymor yes, I agree with this.

OP, you went looking through his old messages, why did you feel the need to do this?

Jumping to suggestions of leaving him after 10 years of happy marriage is a rash response.

It reads to me as there’s potentially something else going on here.

Isn’t that basically what internet dating is? I can see why it stings though.

I can’t see how this is much different from online dating - you out yourself out there and cast your net wide. Hopefully you meet someone you click with.

If you’re happy together, I wouldn’t dwell on it.

The things people want to throw their marriage away for. This is utter nonsense.

I literally slept with someone the night before I got with my now husband. Who cares! He certainly doesn't.

He wanted to settle down and sent messages, big deal. Honestly I'm baffled how this is even an issue if you generally have a happy marriage.

I can see why you are hurt.
But it doesn't change 10 years of marriage does it? How he behaves every day..
It's sad you weren't as special to him initially as you were led to believe.. but I'm pretty sure you're extremely important to him now.
He shouldn't have lied initially but he was in his 20s I guess and just wanted to impress a pretty girl. Would be lovely and romantic if he had actually been solely focused on you.. but in reality do many people have this? Or do they form a bond after they start dating and they realise they get on and could be a good couple?
Altho I understand how you feel I think if you've been happy for 10 years there's no need to ruin that about the way he acted when he was trying to get together with you

I think it’s sometimes just best not to find out something like this, and it must have been rather brutal in the moment for you. But he’s not that very young unknown man now, he’s your friend, lover, father of your three children, and a totally different, much more mature person. It sounds like you have got an awful lot of good in your 5 lives now, and yes it is now more than just you. I am sure that buried deep in a lot of relationships are the odd things that ought to not resurface, but this is a sad accident by the sound of it. Just delete, and cherish what you have got would be my advice. All the best.

Very much understandable to feel hurt and upset, but I think once the shock factor is over this is really no different to going on lots of dates and then one clicks and you end up falling in love and getting married. That he was interested in a proper relationship isn’t a crime. I would try to let it go and not sabotage a good thing, I certainly wouldn’t leave my DH over this.

I agree with this.. there must be some kind of fate in there op! You have also made choices based on how you felt about him. So you could see it as fate really… if you’d have hated each other it wouldn’t have worked beyond the first date!!

I can see why you'd be upset. It's never nice reading things like this, even if they were written before you were together.

Why would you feel upset for replying to his message so he messaged a few* women? Maybe he was ready for a long-term relationship; maybe he'd had enough of being messed about. he was doing tinder before tinder. I know a few single people and they send a dozen plus messages to women/men each day.

You've been married for ten years with three kids, and it sounds like a happy marriage. He's had plenty of time to find someone better. He sounds like a decent guy.

Men are simple people, really. We want someone to love and to be loved. Everything else fits in between. Some old messages from 10 years ago hardly sound worthy of throwing your marriage away.

*was it hundreds?

On a small side note, my BIL kept letters from his then GF and his wife found them years later, she was upset that he'd kept them as she said he still had feelings for her, crazy. We've all had lives before; those memories, emotions, etc don't just magically disappear when we get married.

I'm not sure I would leave him over this assuming the rest of our story was fine and our life together made me happy. I'd ask him a lot of questions about it, though.

Admittedly not the most romantic thing to discover, but the fact is, he was looking for a relationship, putting the feelers out and so were you. The stars aligned and it was right place right time. Its a happy marriage and it's worked out well because you were both ready, interested and ultimately get on and work well together. Youve chosen to frame it as if he would have married anyone and i don't think thats true.
Its where you are now that counts.
He was willing to put his heart out there and risk rejection multiple times. Thats better than just sitting there wondering why a relationship just doesn't fall into your lap.

I'd absolutely hate this to be honest. I'd feel mortified so i understand your feelings.

This happened to a friend of mine. Years ago when a group of friends were all on the dating sites her now husband messaged everyone, he clearly wasn’t fussy. She met up with him and now they’re married. None of us ever had the heart to tell her that he’d been after just anyone.

I don't think it's that big of a deal, he was looking that was all. I would relax about it and see the funny side.

We all love the fantasy of seeing 'her' or 'him' across a crowded room and knowing that this is THE one... but real life dating is usually a little more mechanical.

Step 1 - finding someone
So - step one for him was finding a girl he liked the look of who also liked the look of him. (The look of most girls is very attractive to an early 20s single guy-so you can believe that his messages were sincere even if not as spontanious as they sounded)

In this case you liked the look/sound of him. That was lucky for him as apparently women are more picky.

Step 2 - finding THE one from all those someones
The next step from here was finding out if you both liked enough to love.
You did and he did. You found each other. Happiness!

If there are messages on the iPad asking many girls to marry him after they replied to step one... you have cause to be saddened.

10 years ago, first time you've had reasons to doubt your marriage or is this the finishing touch? I say your DH has forgotten that his non-existent, pre-marriage account is even on the iPad, doubt he would want you to see it and have the expected reaction. He sounds quite thoughtful to offer you the device, boot it up for you, to use because it's easier than using your phone. So you got the hump about previous gfs, anyone probably would but this is 10 years down the line and 3 kids, and I'd say quietly forget it if you don't have any other reasons to doubt.

Very shocking and upsetting but its thr intervening years that matter, is he trustworthy and does he make you happy. Both me and my long term hubby got together because I had just come out of a relationship (first dramatic teenage love) and didnt want to date anyone I could get serious with and he had never had a relationship (late teens) so just wanted someone to mess about a bit with. Long and wonderfully marriage.

DH and I have a friend, when we first met him we advised everyone single to take a wide berth, he was desperate for a relationship.

about a year down the line he asked my friend Angie on a date before I could warn her about him.

she was super excited after their first date, they married two years later, male friend is a totally different person, in fact we were shocked at the change in him. They have a great life, social life better than mine, holidays ever other month now they are both retired. (We’ve never told her what he was like before).

If you are happy I’d try and move on. Sometimes people get themselves in silly situations which perhaps isn’t really them.

My partner was on-and-off sleeping with someone else before we met - if she'd been interested in a relationship probably we wouldn't be together now, thirty-five years and one beautiful daughter later.

I asked a friend of mine once how she'd met her husband and she said "he was sort of around at the time I wanted to marry someone". They seemed to be quite happy!

You feel what you feel but I can't imagine leaving someone and making three young kids go through a separation over this. You could always tell him you're a bit upset and he can make up for it by taking you out for a nice romantic dinner!