Would you leave dh over this?

[pringlesandcheese]

I've been married for 10 years and have 3 children together.
Dh fished out an old iPad from back when I first met him that he said I could use to read on while I was unwell as my phone is too small, he booted it up for the first time since right after we met.
I noticed on it were hundreds of messages to woman on his old fb friends list all basically saying the same thing that he'd liked them for ages and asking them out.
Unfortunately I was one of these woman and had taken the bate where nobody else had so instead of him genuinely being interested in me, he's just asked out hundreds of people all at once and I was the mug that accepted and now we're married.
He was desperate for a girlfriend and anyone would do and I just happened to fall in his net.
We have a happy marriage but It all feels so meaningless now.

So you have a good marriage and 3 children and you ask if you should end the marriage for something which happened before you were married, are you serious ? Is there nothing that you did before you were together that he would disapprove of ? Overreacting just a bit.

No.

That was then; this is now...

You are massively overthinking it, he was 20 reaching out to multiple women to see if they would date him and you responded, he went out with you, you both fell in love and have been married 10 years, I don't see the issue.

If he maintained communication with them or has been reaching out to multiple women since you started dating exclusively that would be different

I think your self esteem and confidence has taken a hit but you said you've had a happy marriage so just move on.

He loves you, married you and hasn't contacted them recently.

Don't sabotage your own relationship.

As you say, it's a happy marriage, but the devil hates that, don't give in.

When he said you could read on his 10 year old iPad, I don't think he meant go fishing around his old personal messages.

If I found out my partner had been snooping around my personal messages, I'd be the one leaving.

I can imagine it’s quite a shock to see how you got together. Your DH at that point must have decided he really wanted a serious relationship. I’m sure he liked you - or else he wouldn’t have contacted you. In some ways it’s like dating loads of people that look attractive that you meet on an app. My sister dated loads of people some of whom she really liked until she met her partner. It’s a numbers game - if you meet / contact say 20 people one is bound to ‘stick’. If he’s a good husband I wouldn’t leave him. What’s sore is that the story that you had in your mind - quite a romantic one at that - is no longer strictly true.

This is perfect 🥰

I have to say, this crossed my mind, too.

There was no need to snoop.

I understand you hurt and I would be. This sounds like dating now, you hear in work of girls/lads speaking to many people and going to see a few people to see what happens. You happened to click and he/you chose each other.

Let the past stay there, your fortunate he has turned into a good husband and father, he hasn’t hid anything and been faithful by the sounds of it since meeting you, what you want ? Blood 🥹 Leave it!!!

Bloke here ... to me, his lack of awareness of what was on there is quite astounding, tbh. And his 'method' back in the day points towards a total lack of emotional refinement. I'd say you can do much better, but you're 10 years and three kids in ....

Oh come on @InterestedDad37 give this bloke a break.
It sounds like he was a young, inexperienced, slightly awkward man who wanted to find a long term partner. He wasn't shagging around or snogging every person with a uterus - funnily enough I do remember some men who used to do that and they all married........... and then divorced.

We were all a bit stupid in our early 20s, and yes, sometimes we cast a big net to find our DH/DW. It sounds like he is a good, committed husband and good dad. These character traits are way more important than how he got a first date

Fair enough, I was perhaps overly judgemental. Good luck to them both, may they have many years of happiness 😊

OP, have you heard that Tim Minchin song “If I didn’t have you, someone else would probably do”?

DH asked a few of his female friends out before he got to me. I considered dumping him on our 3rd date because I wasn’t really feeling it, and only didn’t because he’d made me a handmade valentines card and I felt too guilty to do it. Hardly Mills and Boon. But we fell in love, and have been together for 25 years.

We could each have married other people, and our lives would have taken a different path but I expect we’d both still have been happy. If we ever split up (no plans to), I expect we’ll both find other people to date, and that will be different again but not necessarily worse.

No, he's a man, he'd probably forgotten what was on there - it was 10+ years ago! Or maybe he trusted his wife not to look at his messages from before they were together?

You are right, maybe I need to rephrase this a bit. Maybe I need to think how to address someone coming online asking if they should split up without addressing the real issue: Breach of trust by reading old emails which were sent before her time and the fact she is sitting on a high horse and behaving as if he was the pure garbage. So, yes absolutely, I will think next time how to be less harsh to someone like that. Thank you for pointing that out.

Leave him. 100% you should go. Find someone better. Someone who has not tried to find a another girl or a date before you. Leave him for something he has done before he met you, something as terrible as trying to get a date. The 3 kids need someone much, much better. And yes, you are so right to come here and ask if you should leave maybe the 3 kids also with him. Absolutely, leave now.

I wouldn't end a ten year marriage and break up my family for this, no.

10 years 3 kids a family, we all have a past, have you spoke to him? He obviously didn't even recall it all being there, he rebooted for you to use as a book while you were ill, sounds quite kind to me. So he threw a net whilst looking, he chose you. Tbh it sounds a little insecure on your part. No doubt rather than just read your book you had a little nose through his old stuff, we've prob all done it. Let it go life is too short!

After 10 years how are you even asking this question?

Guess what - dating, and especially internet dating (or FB dating, or whatever variant you might want to call it) is just as brutal for men as it (presumably?) is for women.

Sounds like something to joke with him about, not think about leaving him over.

Most sensible post on here. Some people really do not know how to put things into perspective.