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Original poster

Would you leave dh over this?

274 replies

pringlesandcheese · 04/10/2024 11:26

I've been married for 10 years and have 3 children together.
Dh fished out an old iPad from back when I first met him that he said I could use to read on while I was unwell as my phone is too small, he booted it up for the first time since right after we met.
I noticed on it were hundreds of messages to woman on his old fb friends list all basically saying the same thing that he'd liked them for ages and asking them out.
Unfortunately I was one of these woman and had taken the bate where nobody else had so instead of him genuinely being interested in me, he's just asked out hundreds of people all at once and I was the mug that accepted and now we're married.
He was desperate for a girlfriend and anyone would do and I just happened to fall in his net.
We have a happy marriage but It all feels so meaningless now.

OP posts:
XiCi · 04/10/2024 12:45

Oh god, that's fucking awful and I can understand why you're upset. He's basically lied to you to get a date. You thought the way he felt about you was special but in fact he'd sent the same message to hundreds of other women. I wouldn't feel the same about DH or the relationship after that. I couldn't not speak to him about it though as I'd not be able to forget it. You need to give him a chance to explain himself

PuddlesPityParty · 04/10/2024 12:47

Swear a lot of people come on here to purposely stir and make the OP feel worse about their life. Sad.

CrowleyKitten · 04/10/2024 12:48

I can see how it must have hurt, but the fact is, he is still with you, and you're happy together. he was maximising his chances of meeting people, but there must have been something that made you the right person for him. if that wasn't there, you might have dated for a while, and he'd have probably kept his options open.
okay, so maybe you weren't his first choice based on your online presence, but obviously, when it comes to real life, you are.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 04/10/2024 12:49

At the end of the day, it's not really any different to swiping on lots of different women on Tinder or whatever. Dating is a numbers game for men, women can afford to wait for someone to ask them out, men generally have to do the asking, and get a lot of rejection as a result.

And I don't think it makes it a lie that he'd liked you for a while either. I could probably think of 100 people that I knew by my early 20s that I fancied a bit. The difference is that it sounds like I was better at asking them out than your husband, so knew most of them were a no without needing a huge Facebook message!

It sounds like your relationship is otherwise good, so I'd be reluctant to blow it up over this. But I don't think a conversation about how finding this out has hurt you is necessarily a bad thing.

Blanketyre · 04/10/2024 12:52

I just want to say that although I'd find it upsetting and it would make me feel mortified for dh AND I'm not quite getting it in terms of practialities, I wouldn't leave him, no, as long as you are in a good place now.

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 04/10/2024 12:53

It might hurt my feelings a little but I wouldn’t leave. He hasn’t cheated, he just wasn’t very picky with who he went on dates with before you met. Just because he messaged these woman doesn’t mean he would have had long term relationships with them if they agreed. They might have gone on one or two dates and then decided they weren’t right for each other. He still chose to stay with you and marry you.

TheBluntTurtle · 04/10/2024 12:54

I would just try to forget about this OP. Like others have said it’s not too different from using chat up lines in a bar or online dating. He obviously went on to love you as you are now married and built a life together.
Im not sure how you came to read his old messages when he gave you permission to read books on the iPad. Your husband may see that as an invasion of privacy and lack of trust - raising the messages with him could cause more issues than the 10 year old messages.

taylorswift1989 · 04/10/2024 12:55

I get why people are saying to forget it, but it indicates that he started the relationship with a lie and under false pretences.

You thought you were special and he'd liked you for ages. That probably played a part in your attraction to him. Whereas in reality, he maybe hadn't thought of you that way at all, but was just throwing his net wide.

I would talk to him about it. It would be interesting to hear what his thought process was at the time. I wouldn't be looking to leave him, but I'd want him to know I'd found this out and that it had shaken my trust in our 'story'.

Buttermill · 04/10/2024 12:56

I would be upset too OP but love grows. You two were not guaranteed to get along you then went on to have children and marry each other and both fell in love dont leave him for that. He was young and just wanted to be loved himself. I understand your a bit upset but it was years ago think of the positives I assume he is a loyal hardworking man who's good with the kids and shows you love and affection. How many women do we see complaining about their DP on here.

SerafinasGoose · 04/10/2024 12:57

Ten years' marriage tells you a lot more than a glut of old messages. The surrounding context of the rest of your marriage should tell you everything you need to know. Your later posts indicate that you're happy.

Talk to him.

PeggyMitchellsCameo · 04/10/2024 12:58

OP so sorry you have had a shock. He’s clearly forgotten about the messages. When you mentioned his age at the time, in his 20s, he has clearly matured and you have a happy marriage.
Dating is a bit of a game and we put our rose tinted specs on. But the fact is that you did say yes and you are now happily married.
I bet everyone on here (me included) have at least one thing that they would really cringe about if their partners found out about.
Of course, our romantic hearts think we meet someone, he sees us as an angel sent, no other woman has ever existed, and we bowl him over and happily ever after.
You could have met someone in a similar fashion who then turned into a cheating nightmare.
As a decade has gone on, and you are happily married with DC, don’t let this reflect badly on your DH.
You could tell him and he may get defensive but I think being open is better than burying things.
And then get better and get back to enjoying your married life.

butterpuffed · 04/10/2024 12:59

It's hard to believe he sent hundreds of messages , how many were there roughly ? You were the person he settled down with , married , and had children with . He hasn't cheated , stay with him and put to the back of your mind what you saw , it was ages ago . 🌷

Ted22 · 04/10/2024 13:02

A lot of posters trying to stick the boot in and make you feel worse to make up for their own sad lives.

I met my DH on tinder and I don’t think
it’s that different. I was messaging loads of other men that week, determined to get a date (it was a last-ditch attempt before giving up the apps). I wouldn’t be surprised if DH was messaging the same chat-up line to other women that week. But we found each other.

I assume your DH wasn’t super close to these other women, and they were just “Facebook friends” (friends of friends and so on). I’m sure he only sent the message to women he found attractive, perhaps women he wished he’d chatted up in the past but didn’t have the confidence. Maybe it was a “last-ditch attempt” type thing, or maybe one of his mates put him up to it. But it’s no negative reflection on you. Just a bit cringy for DH.

Pipsquiggle · 04/10/2024 13:02

Do you know what - hats off to your DH.
In his mid 20s, he wanted a GF and got in touch with women that he was interested in. He was determined and motivated and you found each other.

OK, he may have been disingenuous with the initial contact, in terms of he contacted other women as well, but as far as you have described he hasn't cheated on you and been a genuine supportive DH who, probably in his mid 20s, was hoping for what he has now - a solid, loving relationship and a family.

People do lie to get that initial date, but over time you work out whether you are compatible together. You don't get a 10+ year happy marriage without both people putting in the effort.

Do not leave him for this and reframe it in your head. This is no different to swiping right loads of times on dating apps.

PosiePetal · 04/10/2024 13:02

pringlesandcheese · 04/10/2024 11:46

I think it's just the fact that I believed him when he said he'd liked me for ages and been trying to find the courage to ask me out and thought he was just chasing me.
He was only in his 20s then and hadn't really had a proper girlfriend but he does treat me well and our marriage is good, I just feel hurt that I could have been anyone of those woman who got the same message.

Both things can be true.

It has worked out well, you love each other so try to just put it in the past where it belongs.

CowTown · 04/10/2024 13:03

I had a similar mindset in my mid-20s—that dating was a numbers game. The more men you date, the higher the chances of finding a compatible match. I dated loads of guys (although I wasn’t intimate with them). When I met DH, I was also casually dating another guy, and I ended up dating them both for a while. Neither relationship was exclusive, it was early days with both, and we weren’t intimate. One of the relationships naturally fizzled out and I ended up becoming exclusive with/marrying DH. Putting feelers out there and making early connections/getting to know people is okay. It’s a numbers game.

Ted22 · 04/10/2024 13:04

Also - I think single men usually do like loads of women. As in “she’s fit but I’m too awkward to talk to her”. Women might be more likely to have one crush at a time. I’m sure he was thrilled that you replied.

Izzieloo · 04/10/2024 13:05

It was so long ago would put it out if your head . You worked out so all good

SereneFish · 04/10/2024 13:08

I'm in no way a "cool girl" but I don't get the problem. Like anybody on Tinder etc he messaged women he was attracted to and took it from there. You're the one he asked to be with him for the rest of your lives.

He might have been desperate at the time but he hasn't stayed with you for a decade out of desperation.

XiCi · 04/10/2024 13:08

CowTown · 04/10/2024 13:03

I had a similar mindset in my mid-20s—that dating was a numbers game. The more men you date, the higher the chances of finding a compatible match. I dated loads of guys (although I wasn’t intimate with them). When I met DH, I was also casually dating another guy, and I ended up dating them both for a while. Neither relationship was exclusive, it was early days with both, and we weren’t intimate. One of the relationships naturally fizzled out and I ended up becoming exclusive with/marrying DH. Putting feelers out there and making early connections/getting to know people is okay. It’s a numbers game.

Did you tell all of those guys though that you'd liked them for ages but had been trying to pluck up the courage to ask them out? Because I think that's the issue, not that he'd been out on other dates.
Just talk to him OP. You've been together 10 years so you should be able to talk about this. Hopefully he will be able to reassure you with his response

leopardski · 04/10/2024 13:10

OP it sounds like Tinder, you swipe swipe swipe all the ones you like and see who messages back; it’s how I met my husband!! I can imagine it was a shock but don’t let it upset you especially if you’ve now had 10 happy years together :)

Lavenderandbrown · 04/10/2024 13:11

@areallmotherslikethis has it right…everyone has a past. Two nights ago my DH together 12 yrs (2nd marriage) brought up some shit from my pretty basic bland not online dating but fairly active dating past when he was drunk. I had come out of a very bad marriage had a 5 yr relationship end and basically after being single for 1.5 yrs decided I really wanted a partner and I started dating more adventurously. Also He’s never drunk (hadn’t eaten all day) and we never ever talk about the past but I am pissed he brought it up.
as for any other women he asked out…if they were at your wedding or still social or real life friends they are looking at you and thinking…jeez op has it all DH three kids happy marriage. I should never have blown him off. To the victor goes the spoils

Chenecinquantecinq · 04/10/2024 13:14

You are massively over reacting. He was looking for a girlfriend so what? A lot of men do play the numbers game doesn't mean what you have now is meaningless. You will not get a normal response from MN btw!!!

pinkyredrose · 04/10/2024 13:15

Namechangefordaughterevasion · 04/10/2024 11:30

I can understand your hurt but I don't think I would leave him over this.

Try and reframe it. Instead of thinking of him as a wannabe player who was spinning a line to loads of women perhaps try and think of him as a hopeless romantic who thought that if he sent out loads of messages fate would intervene and send him 'the one'. Which is exactly what happened.

Edited

hopeless romantic! 😂

Op , I'd find it difficult to look at him the same way.

Yousay55 · 04/10/2024 13:18

I’m a he honest now? Perhaps he did always like you and wanted to ask you-along with the other women too?
II understand it does taint your memory of how your relationship started, but as you said, you’re happy.
I wouldn’t leave my dh for that, but I would be upset like you are.