Would you leave dh over this?

[pringlesandcheese]

I've been married for 10 years and have 3 children together.
Dh fished out an old iPad from back when I first met him that he said I could use to read on while I was unwell as my phone is too small, he booted it up for the first time since right after we met.
I noticed on it were hundreds of messages to woman on his old fb friends list all basically saying the same thing that he'd liked them for ages and asking them out.
Unfortunately I was one of these woman and had taken the bate where nobody else had so instead of him genuinely being interested in me, he's just asked out hundreds of people all at once and I was the mug that accepted and now we're married.
He was desperate for a girlfriend and anyone would do and I just happened to fall in his net.
We have a happy marriage but It all feels so meaningless now.

I think dating is a numbers game, to be honest - at that going out or asking out a lot of people is what you have to do. But there is a big difference to taking a punt to get a first date, and continuing to see someone, to the point where you get married. I dont think it reflects on your relationship now at all, although I can see why you were taken aback to find this out. I would not say this should be a deal breaker, no.

Babe you’ve been married for a while, Jesus. All the people saying “they’d be upset” my god. Does it matter how you got together? Are you happy now? Would you lose all that because you weren’t “the only one”. My god, you are happily married. That’s what so many people wish for and you are complaining. Get over it.

You are feeling hurt because you saw messages to other women before he even met you
you are being unreasonable
how else is he supposed to meet someone - he probably did meet up with some of those other women, but instead chose to pursue a relationship with you . If he was such a weirdo you would have noticed before you married him, and during your marriage, you’ve had a happy marriage for 10 years so what’s the problem. You can’t really seriously be annoyed at him for messaging women when he was single.

I get why you are hurt, but I don't see it as much different to online dating or a go to chat up line. Yes maybe he was "desperate" at the time, I think most people have felt lonely and want to meet someone at some point. The message may have been what got the first date, but it isn't why you went on a second, third, moved in, got engaged, got married ect

And that's where you should leave it - in the past. How you met doesn't really matter, it is how you are together in the here and now that does.

Really? Is this what OP or anyone in her situation should be focusing on? 🙄

The way you started dating may have been a bit random/‘iffy’ but you wouldn’t have remained together if something hadn’t been right. My husband and I started seeing other because I needed an immediate distraction from my break up from my ex! I didn’t expect to fall in love with him. It also doesn’t necessarily follow that the liking you for ages thing wasn’t true. Why were you Facebook friends in the first place? You must have known of each other in at least some capacity?
That you are happily married now is what really matters.

While it might feel hurtful, all you've done here is discover the harsh reality of dating for most men - hetero women largely have all the power and get to pick and choose, while for men it's mostly about numbers and a lot of rejection.

I can completely see how hurtful this is and I would fee the same. However what just sprung to mind is that I’ve applied for hundred of jobs in my life and only got a few. That doesn’t detract from me having loved a couple of those jobs and everything about it. I think it just meant that I had needs to get a job and was willing to consider anything but the ones that I actually took and stayed in were the ones that I had full respect for. I know it’s not exactly the same but there are parallels.

It just makes me think that he was in a very low place at one point in his life and I’d be keen to understand that. Also maybe you were the one who saved him from that.

What a gratuitously nasty post.

From the other women who replied, what did they say? If they showed interest then he still picked you over them.

About 16 years ago I received a message on Facebook from someone asking me out on a date.
I had recently come out of a long term relationship and thought why not it could be fun.
So I replied and said yes.
(This was quite late in the evening).
The next day we started chatting more and went out on a date a few days later.
After a few months of dating the guy admitted that he was drunk when he sent me the message asking me out and didn't even remember sending it.
He was surprised when he woke up the next morning and saw a message from me.
But he decided to still go along with the date.
I just found it funny.
He probably sent other people messages that day as well while he was drunk.
The relationship ran it's course and ended a few months later but it didn't end because of how we got together

Its over 10 years ago! Regardless of how many people he messaged he chose to marry you, just because you answered doesn't mean was set on marrying you but he did. The past is the past

Genuine question not judging, If you have such a happy marriage how come you read through his messages?? to be honest I understand the initial upset but just because he may of been 'desperate' for a gf doesn't mean his feelings for you arn't real, like when people go dating or make an online dating profile, they rarely end up with the first person they have a date with but they still go because there looking and ready for love, its no different to your situation really, id forget about it and definitly not let it ruin your marriage😊

Have you thought OP that he might have deleted all the ones that did reply, except you?

Can you not look on it as fate - you were obviously meant to be together. I would question him about it with a view to inwardly laughing at his expense. Men are pretty thick when it comes to covering their tracks. Make sure you take the pee and spend extra out of the joint account to make yourself feel better but I would let it go.

Bang on I do not read or look at his stuff and he dont look at mine (its called space privacy!!) all these tree huggers, you must feel hurt blah blah, he gave an old lap top so you could read a book, not analyse who he sent a message to in 2010. Look at your family pics look at the person whose looking after you while your unwell.

Well it was 10 years ago and he's been faithful since? I think your reading to much into it def dont leave him

When my ĎH and I started our relationship, I wasn't looking for anything serious... FF we've been together for 13 years, 5 of them married, and have 2 DC. Ahh the mystery of love... 😋

It would definitely be a kick in the gut but the truth is it is harmless and before you went out so really none of your business.

Saying that I would feel a bit🤔🫣about it.

You are putting to much energy into this, your marriage is good keep that in mind as for the messages men are notoriously clumsy in dating romance settings I doubt this was deliberate of anything other than he wanted to date and it was cheaper to use facebook like plenty of fish he’ll probably be mortified if you show him the messages

Honestly it sounds like he was just trying to shoot his shot? Dating is so so hard, and different people have tried different ways of dating. It's actually ok to want a relationship.

Judge your relationship on how it's been since then not how it met. If it's a really good marriage and you had a fantastic first, second third date that is what matters.

Really it could just be a funny story - he messaged lots of women but you were the only one who reciprocated and liked him too. I hope you are with him because you love him? Not because he liked you!

I'd talk to him about it personally. I can understand its not great to see but both dp and I were players before we met because we were free and single, but we met and prioritised each other.

It was ten years ago, unless you have other concerns I'd just talk it through and move on.

Retroactive jealousy + disappointment in knowing he'd used the same line on other girls. I 100% understand how you must be feeling.
Dating is a tough game, though, and we play with the cards we have. To me, his approach has nothing to do with being a player or anything like that. A player would certainly have gone in another direction. If we surveyed ppl on the streets about their dating methods before finding their OH, I'm pretty sure we'd be surprised by their stories! TBH, I do think our partners' dating history should be left in the past, which is where they belong. Your life with him is in the here and now.