Would you leave dh over this?

[pringlesandcheese]

I've been married for 10 years and have 3 children together.
Dh fished out an old iPad from back when I first met him that he said I could use to read on while I was unwell as my phone is too small, he booted it up for the first time since right after we met.
I noticed on it were hundreds of messages to woman on his old fb friends list all basically saying the same thing that he'd liked them for ages and asking them out.
Unfortunately I was one of these woman and had taken the bate where nobody else had so instead of him genuinely being interested in me, he's just asked out hundreds of people all at once and I was the mug that accepted and now we're married.
He was desperate for a girlfriend and anyone would do and I just happened to fall in his net.
We have a happy marriage but It all feels so meaningless now.

I agree 100% with the above. Please do not let this ruin an otherwise happy marriage. The fact that he readily gave the ipad to you, shows that he is not intentionally hiding anything, that he trusts you and has probably forgotten it or he is thanking his lucky stars that you were the one who answered. Looking at it that way, it was "meant to be".

I would make light of it and joke 'so i was the only fish to take your bait hey?' and he will probably laugh it off

I would be more concerned if he was still messaging other women, this was before you started a serious relationship

As long as you are happy in your relationship, he treats you well and he is a good father i don't think you have anything to be worried about

Did you message any other men prior to going into a serious relationship with DH? Also, 10 years ago DMs were just becoming a thing, it was probably a novelty lol

I understand you feeling a bit shaken. BUT he presumably didn’t send the message to every female he knew. You were maybe one of a few that he put feelers out for, but you have fallen in love and built a marriage together over the past decade.

I would not even consider leaving over something like this.

I have known straight men with a strong nesting instinct and a general admiration for Women who'd have been able and willing to go out with anyone not positively unkind to them. I have known straight women who wanted a family to draw up schedules and date 5 men a week almost interview-style.

It really doesn't matter what state of general yearning he was in years ago.

You and he have a history and a future now, built on real love.

The others all missed out. You had the good sense to reply. If you are happy after 10 years, aren't you glad he asked and you said yes?

I think I'd be pretty shocked and upset at first. Then if I had a good marriage, I'd find perspective. So he reached a point where he wanted a relationship and used a scatter gun approach and played a numbers game. Is that any different to OLD? Or to applying for loads of jobs? If you applied for 20 jobs at once, would that stop the one you get hired for being your dream job? I wonder how much is that you feel a bit offended that you were the only taker? That you've ended up with the guy no one else wanted? Because if so, you know how unfair that is. Or perhaps you're worried he ended up with you for want of a better offer? Which again calls for perspective because there has to be more than that to last ten years.

This makes more sense as to why you are hurt as I didn't get it at first. He wanted a partner and tried to get one, which is what a lot of us do. I was on a dating website and was talking to a few men before my now fiancé and I went exclusive, and so did he. I dont feel slighted that he was looking around. I see it more as that we had a happily ever after. It seems your DH spun a romantic story, rather than saying I wanted a girlfriend and so spoke to lots. While you may wish for a romantic 'soul mate' type story, the reality as I see it is that there are no soul mates, just people who we get on better with and relationships are hard work. If you have had a happy marriage/relationship for 10 years I genuinely think you would be bonkers to split over this. Believe me OLD is no place to be and I wouldnt go back to that if I had a choice. Speak to him, explain your hurt but really would not be a deal breaker for me.

If it helps our marriage 'love story' wasn't as storybook perfect at the beginning either. We met and dated for about two months- we hadn't told many people as he was not long out of a serious relationship that had affected him a lot with the breakup. And then he finished with me as he wasn't ready, and then dated someone else for a few months, and then came back and said he'd like to date me again now he was ready.

Most people including all his family think the second time we dated was the only time and it was this big love story but honestly I was crushed by our first breakup and him seeing someone else. We are 100% the right people for each other and have a very happy marriage and kids, I think I felt that with him right away which is why it was so painful. But people are complicated difficult things. We talked about it and moved past it.

If I was you I would want to talk about this with my husband, because it has made you feel upset and you want reassuring, but when he reassures you should hear him, because being the one that said yes would not have gotten you further than the first date or so.

Ten years of a happy marriage and you would think about leaving over this? How do you know other woman didn't take the bait and he still chose you? Seriously I would have a laugh over this and move on, with 3 children and a happy marriage, you have more to think about and a lot to be grateful for, I wouldn't give it a second thought.

I've read all the replies so far and I really really can't understand why this is a problem or why anyone would be hurt by this. It's a complete non issue and a huge over reaction to even consider giving it more than a couple of minutes discussion let alone to consider leaving what appears to be a happy marriage. Does no-one take their wedding vows seriously any more?

Was that literally hundreds of fb friends? I would find it very odd that he had hundreds of female fb friends to send such messages to.

Initially I thought nothing of it, why not ask a few people? But if there were hundreds that's really odd. I would ask him what's with all these women? Either it was a bit of a joke, put up to by 'friends' maybe or he was really desperate.

I would be pretty upset. I wouldn't leave him though, I would suggest marriage counselling to help you work through your feelings, and to hopefully realise that as a couple you love each other for who you are.

You have to forget his initial "chat up" line and separate it from your relationship and marriage. It's not quite the romantic story you believed, that he'd fancied you for ages but lacked the courage to ask you out. Or maybe that is actually true but he didn't really understand his feelings and sent a similar message to other women to increase his odds? Either way, at some point, he fell in love and wanted to spend the rest of his life with you.

Get a grip... he dug out an old iPad with a disused FB account on it.
He's forgotten they're on there...

It was ages ago and you are happy, let it lie. A friend told me years ago that her male friend fancied me. I said I was uninterested. I was also married which she knew so I’ve never trusted her since. Anyway the man went on to date and marry a mutual friend. I’ve never told her. What’s the point? She’s happy and it was ages ago.

Well you were snooping! I'm not having a go at you, but can you, and other people who are saying that they would also be upset, explain why something that happened before you started going out with your husband is such a big deal?

Surely it’s a bit like tinder? You like hundreds of photos, send out messages etc and see what comes back and then what comes of it.

You’re married to him based on your relationship, not one single message. You could have gone out with him and felt nothing and you wouldn’t be here now. I wouldn’t give it another thought!

I suspect he'd be mortified if he knew you'd seen them, I don't think he'd have thought about it seen as though it was so long ago and he doesn't have the FB account anymore!

I can see why you feel this way, but honestly he wouldn't have married you simply because you messaged back. You say your marriage is good and he treats you well, nothing to suggest he doesn't love you deeply and isn't thankful everyday it was you who responded so he could get to know you more in a romantic way.

Bin him. He was a sad loser and you've been the laughing stock of the neighbourhood all this time.

Only marry someone who fell hopelessly in love with you the instant you met, and only if he has a title, wears shining armour and has a tall white horse.

I'm only joking. He sounds like a good husband. Does it really matter to the big picture if his attempt at finding a girlfriend were a bit less romantic than you'd have liked?

Would you remember precisely what was and was not on a 10+ year old iPad? I don't think I would.

Met my other half on a dating site he chatted to loads of women flirted etc and I did men but this was before we dated I certainly wouldn't leave my marriage for it but do see why you felt that way in a similar situation after meeting my dp I was using his phone and he had left the dating site messages on their I did witness a conversation of him having a sex chat with another woman it wasn't ideal it wasn't fact he done it I did to just didn't want to see it so can kind of relate to you but you know what we've been together 7 years now and everything worked out well for us

We all say and do stupid shit in the early stages. If this is enough to make you want to leave your marriage you have some huge problems going forward. Honestly I’d have laughed and ribbed my partner if I read that. Not planned my exit 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

I completely understand how you’d feel that the start of your relationship wasn’t quite the romantic approach you thought it was.

You could tell him you’d seen the messages and that you think he’s a massive dickhead, but, quite honestly, what would be the point? He’s probably going to get defensive and you’ll get upset about something he did before you’d even gone on a first date with him. Neither of you are going to feel any better and it’s not going to improve your relationship.

So my advice would be to try and let it go. Concentrate on the fact that he stopped messaging anyone as soon as he got with you, and that he must have been attracted to you because men do not ask women they find unattractive out on dates, introduce them to their friends and family and get married to them, even if they do really want a girlfriend.

Honestly OP whilst I could understand you being slightly miffed when you read them your having a bit of a over reaction here.

It's like me saying I found out my husband used a chat up line on 40 other women before he met me but it only worked on me.....reality is your relationship has long since passed how it initially started don't dwell on it.
It would be very different if they were recent messages.

Aw, I agree, it's just like online dating. He put feelers out there. Maybe he DID rather fancy a lot of female friends! Fair enough. But things clicked with you two, and that's the thing. I wouldn't give it any thought!