Would you leave dh over this?

[pringlesandcheese]

I've been married for 10 years and have 3 children together.
Dh fished out an old iPad from back when I first met him that he said I could use to read on while I was unwell as my phone is too small, he booted it up for the first time since right after we met.
I noticed on it were hundreds of messages to woman on his old fb friends list all basically saying the same thing that he'd liked them for ages and asking them out.
Unfortunately I was one of these woman and had taken the bate where nobody else had so instead of him genuinely being interested in me, he's just asked out hundreds of people all at once and I was the mug that accepted and now we're married.
He was desperate for a girlfriend and anyone would do and I just happened to fall in his net.
We have a happy marriage but It all feels so meaningless now.

I think some men look at dating quite analytically: as a numbers game. The bigger the number, the better the chance of success.

In that respect, it worked, didn’t it?

Rather than feeling depressed I would probably be somewhat amused and slightly impressed at his approach to get what he wanted.

Then I would gently rib him and (count massages) insist that he only refer to me as no. 173 until the end of time.

I don't think you were silly to believe he had liked you for ages. He might have sent this message to multiple women but I'm quite sure he didn't send it to people he disliked!

Similar happened to me. I found out a couple of years in he has messaged multiple people, including my sisters friend. I was mortified tbh BUT I loved him & it didn't really matter because that message got him a date, it didn't determine every great moment we had thereafter. We are 7.5 years in now, married soon & I don't think about it anymore. I hope you can come to terms with it too

But this could still be true. He's maybe liked lots of girls for a while and had a stage where he found the courage to ask people out. He was single. Just put it out your mind. Please don't let this silly phase he went through spoil your future.

I still can't quite get my head round having 'hundreds' of eligible single women on your FB on an account he doesn't use any more. Where did he get them all from!

I can see why this has upset you, I would probably gently tease him and his dating technique but then explain how it made you feel.

He might not have even sent it (I'm not sure if that makes it worse) a'Send to all's by a drink mate at a pub is just as likely and how lucky that you and he got together out of it.

Hi Op,
I can see why your feelings might be hurt but really, he’s not done anything for you to leave him over. He hasn’t broken your trust or betrayed you. He was trying to date women pre-tinder. He didn’t ask them all to marry him and have three children. You were the one who he connected with enough to build a life with. He just used similar lines on you all at the start because he was immature and inexperienced. It’s not a reflection of your relationship.
I honestly think you need to let yourself be hurt for a while and then move on. Forget about it.
And I’m usually in the LTB camp 😉

I understand this, you saying yes and engaging with him was based on the fact you thought he'd been harbouring specific feelings for you personally and these messages (if they are similar to many other women) show that was not the case and it was a line to hook you in. That's hurtful and must be a shock. With that said, it's in some sense like the online version and of a chat up line, and everything that came after that initial line to get you to go out with him was real, he liked you he began seeing you, he fell for you and wanted to spend his life with you and raise a family. Probably all of those other lines even if women had responded would probably have come to nothing as they wouldn't have fell for each other (maybe he did see a few prior to you that didn't work out). I think you need to tell him and see how he reacts, hopefully his response is supportive and helps you get over this, not easy and work to be done but it he's a good and honest guy I think you can work through it

I think I would've laughed and teased him

My good friend met her husband-to-be because he randomly messaged her on facebook one day - they weren't even friends! He is a lovely, genuine man who adores her to bits, but I don't believe for a second she was the only one he contacted. But it none of that matters because they have a happy life together.

I can 100% understand why you're upset - I would be too, but the life you've built is more imporant than how it started off

So according to your logic, 10 happy years together count for nothing because he was eager for a girlfriend before he started dating you. He's never been unfaithful. He's literally done nothing wrong at all, yet you might break your marriage vows and break up your little family over this. I'm gobsmacked. Your marriage isn't a charade. There would have been plenty of opportunity on both sides for either of you to say it wasn't working and to end it. I think you need to focus on the man you know now - the father of your children.

Get over yourself OP. He probably had liked you for ages, along with the others. A lad in his 20s, looking for a girlfriend. He found you, you've been happily together for 10 years. You should both be laughing about it and how lucky you were to meet each other instead of working his way through the list first.

You're upset because of the shock.

But you've been together a while and you'll have a pretty good idea of who he is NOW.

Base your decision on that, and your life with him the last decade.

If he's never given you a reason to want to leave before, don't let this be the deciding factor.

Everyone has a past.

Talk to him about it but without anger. He was careless but it sounds like it wasn't intentional.

If he loves you, laugh it off and forget about it.

Maybe the reason you ended up with him isn't because you fell in his net, but because you were meant to be together x

That is really, really crap to see and certainly does not make you feel special. However if you are otherwise happy with your marriage and your DH I would not end my marriage over it.

I remember yrs ago men at discos would basically ask everyone in a row to dance until someone said yes. It takes bravery to ask someone to dance or ask someone out and risk rejection. I would see your DH's attempt as spreading the net wide. I would see it as you guys clicked and it worked out and I'm sure he is absolutely delighted it did work out.

The whole dating thing is an absolute nightmare for some men - women and all their criteria, it all seems so alien to some men and very difficult for them to figure it out.

I'm working with a lot of young people from India now and most of them still seem to get matches for marriage rather than find someone themselves. They acknowledge this is not always an easy thing to do and they get help with it from their family when they feel ready.

There are different ways to look at this. I would not necessarily be angry over it.

I think it would hurt initially but the way I'd try and see it is that you've been together for 10 years so it can't be meaningless. If it was, your relationship wouldn't have worked out.

What? You surely can't be serious!

Of course I wouldn't leave my husband of ten years (to whom I'm happily married and with whom I have three children) because of some messages he'd sent to potential girlfriends before we even met! That is an absolutely ludicrous notion.

I think the phrase is "give your head a wobble"!

I think I would be surprised, and a bit hurt if he'd portrayed the original situation differently - if he'd pretended that he'd completely fallen for me at first sight at the time. But I don't think you are just the "mug who accepted". You are the person he chose to spend the rest of his life with.
Even though he asked out a lot of people at once, when you agreed to meet him that first time he followed it through, then committed to further dates, and must have developed genuine feelings and love for you to marry you and have children with you.
Likewise, you must have had some interest in him originally to accept his first invitation, and presumably grew to love him enough to marry him and have his children.
Don't throw away the relationship you've grown and developed now over something that's pretty insignificant from 10 years ago.

I think you're shit-stirring. He lent an old ipad he hadn't used in years. He had probably forgotten all about the messages given it was 10 years ago. He also probably didn't think his wife was the type to snoop through old messages.

I think many of us would be a bit “woah” about it. But on taking a breath, the only right thing here is to forget and move on. It truly isn’t important. And it’s really a long time ago.

Definitely this - and then tries futher times to to stir things up.

No I wouldn’t leave DH over this. Honestly reading those messages was a breach of his privacy when he clearly trusts you so in this moment it’s you that’s done something wrong in the relationship not him. If you do talk to him about it you might want to open with an apology for going through his old messages.

Gross exaggeration by someone who is upset, maybe?

How many did he really message ,OP?

OP I’m sorry but you’re being a bit precious here. It’s ridiculous to feel upset. You’ve not had 10 years of a good relationships and 3 kids and got married etc. just because you were the “only one” who replied to his message. He obviously fell in love with you. You’re being a bit silly.

I think you've been given some lovely advice on here, and I agree with others who have said it really is no different to OLD, speedy dating or throwing out chat up lines in a bar.

I also want to add that the majority of us will have a 'past'. The only difference is that you have stumbled upon an event in your DH's. If your marriage is healthy, and there is love, I wouldn't even mention it - I'd take on board these responses. I do understand why you feel the way you do though.

I thought this.

Also, although this may not have started in the most romantic way, they must have continued well in order for you to get married and have children. This shouldn’t overshadow everything that came afterwards.