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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Really upset with family’s reaction

317 replies

Autumnhedgehog · 03/10/2024 21:58

I have recently won my pip mandatory reconsideration for both PMDD and ADHD. Also generalised anxiety and depression.
I am currently unable to work as I’m not well enough.

I’m really upset as my parents and my brother think I’m taking the piss with getting pip it seems. My brother called it a ‘pisstake’ when he found out and my mum thinks that he’s right to feel that way as he’s working a full week and in her words I’m “sitting about at home, getting free money”
I’m feeling really down about it, as I thought they’d be pleased for me. It’s taken a lot of strength to get through the assessment processes and the stress of it made me feel very ill at times.

I’m now starting to question the decision and I feel like a bit of a fraud or something.

OP posts:
Rattai · 03/10/2024 22:08

I assume you will use the money to do things/ cover the extra expenses you have due to your conditions? Therefore its not fraud

Genevieva · 03/10/2024 22:14

At the moment it’s within the rules, so enjoy its benefits. It’s unlikely to last because the benefits bill is (a) not big enough to meet demand and (b) crippling the taxpayer. Not long ago you would not have been eligible for any financial support, so would have had to find some other way of surviving.

I have PMDD, adenomyosis and endometriosis, which leaves me with anaemia. I work fulltime and manage my conditions as best as I can. I get immense satisfaction out of my work, so even though it’s challenging to manage at times, I know my self-esteem would suffer if I didn’t work.

Original poster
Autumnhedgehog · 03/10/2024 22:14

Yes it’s to pay for my therapy, needs for my various health conditions and to support me in general.

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnhedgehog · 03/10/2024 22:16

@Genevieva

I would love to work, but I am physically and mentally unable to. I hate the thought that I’m seen as a waste of space to the world, but I do volunteer half a day a week at the moment, as it’s all I can manage, but I’m trying my best to get back into the workplace eventually, in that sense.

OP posts:
mm81736 · 03/10/2024 22:17

I don't know what PMDD is, but I feel the other things are no reason not to work

bergamotorange · 03/10/2024 22:18

Genevieva · 03/10/2024 22:14

At the moment it’s within the rules, so enjoy its benefits. It’s unlikely to last because the benefits bill is (a) not big enough to meet demand and (b) crippling the taxpayer. Not long ago you would not have been eligible for any financial support, so would have had to find some other way of surviving.

I have PMDD, adenomyosis and endometriosis, which leaves me with anaemia. I work fulltime and manage my conditions as best as I can. I get immense satisfaction out of my work, so even though it’s challenging to manage at times, I know my self-esteem would suffer if I didn’t work.

This thread isn't about you though, is it?

The OP has been awarded PIP, the thread is about the OP.

WaitingForMojo · 03/10/2024 22:19

Why did you tell them? And you’re posting on mn, which is full of benefit bashing threads. You’re only going to get more of the same, unfortunately.

PIP is a statutory entitlement, not a handout. And plenty of people work and claim PIP. But be careful who you discuss it with, as you’ll get derogatory comments

Genevieva · 03/10/2024 22:20

Autumnhedgehog · 03/10/2024 22:16

@Genevieva

I would love to work, but I am physically and mentally unable to. I hate the thought that I’m seen as a waste of space to the world, but I do volunteer half a day a week at the moment, as it’s all I can manage, but I’m trying my best to get back into the workplace eventually, in that sense.

Work is really important for mental health. Not working causes people to lose self-confidence and self-worth, which contributes to depression and anxiety. So use this time while you are receiving PIP (which is not means tested) to focus on your journey back into the workplace. Having reasonable goals and then succeeding in meeting them will help you enormously. I presume you are receiving help for your PMDD. The right combination of contraception and anti-depressants helps many women enormously.

bergamotorange · 03/10/2024 22:20

mm81736 · 03/10/2024 22:17

I don't know what PMDD is, but I feel the other things are no reason not to work

Well clearly you're qualified to judge if a) you don't know what PMDD is and b) you don't know how the OP is affected by their conditions.

Biscuit
NahNotHavingIt · 03/10/2024 22:21

Why are you telling them your financial business?

Pomegranatecarnage · 03/10/2024 22:21

I wouldn’t have told them. People get upset about it, and I can understand why. My DD gets it for anorexia-I haven’t told anyone as it’s human nature to be resentful.

Loadsapandas · 03/10/2024 22:21

@Genevieva

Not long ago you would not have been eligible for any financial support, so would have had to find some other way of surviving.

How long ago are you talking about?

Original poster
Autumnhedgehog · 03/10/2024 22:23

I won’t be telling anyone else. I told my parents because I thought they’d be supportive, they know how I struggle. They then told my brother, which I didn’t know they had. I didn’t tell him myself.

OP posts:
NahNotHavingIt · 03/10/2024 22:26

Autumnhedgehog · 03/10/2024 22:23

I won’t be telling anyone else. I told my parents because I thought they’d be supportive, they know how I struggle. They then told my brother, which I didn’t know they had. I didn’t tell him myself.

My brother called it a ‘pisstake’ when he found out and my mum thinks that he’s right to feel that way as he’s working a full week and in her words I’m “sitting about at home, getting free money”

How could you have got it so wrong?

That your mother would be supportive, I mean?

Octavia64 · 03/10/2024 22:28

The whole narrative around working helping mental illness really annoys me.

I have a severe physical disability due to being in an accident and smashing my foot up. As a result of not being able to walk and being in constant pain I also have depression and anxiety.

I worked for nine years after my accident from a wheelchair. Working when you are physically disabled really does not help your depression or your anxiety as lifts break, you have to crawl down stairs, toilets are inaccessible etc.

Working didn't help my anxiety or my depression and in fact made them significantly worse as I had to fight for every reasonable adjustment I got.

Autumn38 · 03/10/2024 22:28

I think it’s probably tricky as a parent, to have one child supported not to work and the other one having to work very hard.

She may be more aware than you of any struggles that he is going through. He might be struggling at the moment too and I can see it might feel unfair to him.

SabreIsMyFave · 03/10/2024 22:29

Yeah you really shouldn't have told them @Autumnhedgehog Sorry. Flowers

There is no turning back now though - the genie is out of the bottle. You are just gonna have to take the flack. (Until they decide to STFU.)

Do you live with your folks (and your brother?)

NezumiNezumi · 03/10/2024 22:33

It’s resentment, as PP have pointed out. Just because you share blood with people doesn’t mean they’ve got your back. Your family sound horrible but it isn’t a reflection on you or your needs. You wouldn’t have been awarded PIP if you didn’t qualify.

AnnaMagnani · 03/10/2024 22:33

I'd take this as a learning opportunity about who your support network really is.

Are your parents really supportive?
Do they tend to tell your brother your personal information? And you your brother's?
Do they see you as weak/a failure/should just pull yourself up by your bootstraps?
Do they even think ADHD and PMDD are real conditions as both are widely misunderstood?

I suspect part of your journey back to better mental health and in to work is going to be learning to separate from your parents and have more of an adult to adult relationship with them, than child looking for approval.

NormaLouiseBates · 03/10/2024 22:33

Some pretty unpleasant responses on this thread.

PIP is very difficult to get and even more so following mandatory reconsideration. Speaking from experience. Only about 14% of claimants get their award reinstated following MR. So you clearly ARE entitled to it and your family should be ashamed of themselves for their horrible and unsupportive attitude.

Pippa12 · 03/10/2024 22:35

You are clearly eligible for the support as you’ve been awarded it fair and square.

It’s a shame your family aren’t pleased you have won extra support. Times are very hard at the minute, people are struggling. You likely wouldn’t have got such a hard time if the economy was in a better state. Thats not your issue tho, and you mum and brother shouldn’t take it out on you.

Perhaps explain that the extra therapy and support the PIP will allow you to access may well get you back into work quicker?

mbosnz · 03/10/2024 22:37

They sure as hell don't give you PIP for shits and giggles, if you're receiving it, you need it, and have gone through the wringer to get it.

I wish you nothing but well, and hope the extra resourcing enables you to live a more fulfilled and productive (for you) life.

Imbluedalale · 03/10/2024 22:37

Getting pip is not easy no matter what anybody thinks.
46% of pip claims are rejected .
You have to be awarded between 8-11 points just to get standard rate which is £72.65 a week so it’s not a lot .
Even if you are awarded pip you then have the agonising worry of when you get your review through . It’s not an easy form to fill out .
I would love to be back in work and be able to work with my health conditions but it is just not possible at the moment .
I know many people look down there noses at people on pip but believe me it is definitely not easy money !

shdidhdbfj · 03/10/2024 22:38

You have been awarded- do not feel like a fraud!!
PIP is notoriously hard to claim. A family member of mine claims and I am so happy they managed to claim as it makes things (a tiny bit) easier.

Also, it doesn't matter what you use the money for, you don't have to justify it. When you get your first payment go and buy something nice for yourself and celebrate having the courage to go ahead and claim.

Maybe start a hobby (if you feel able) or join a support group to find people who understand and build a new support network. Don't confide in your family again, they aren't happy for you.

Wishing you all the best Flowers

PepaWepa · 03/10/2024 22:38

mm81736 · 03/10/2024 22:17

I don't know what PMDD is, but I feel the other things are no reason not to work

Do you have any idea what living with ADHD is like? Fortunately, it's not up to you to decide.