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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Really upset with family’s reaction

317 replies

Autumnhedgehog · 03/10/2024 21:58

I have recently won my pip mandatory reconsideration for both PMDD and ADHD. Also generalised anxiety and depression.
I am currently unable to work as I’m not well enough.

I’m really upset as my parents and my brother think I’m taking the piss with getting pip it seems. My brother called it a ‘pisstake’ when he found out and my mum thinks that he’s right to feel that way as he’s working a full week and in her words I’m “sitting about at home, getting free money”
I’m feeling really down about it, as I thought they’d be pleased for me. It’s taken a lot of strength to get through the assessment processes and the stress of it made me feel very ill at times.

I’m now starting to question the decision and I feel like a bit of a fraud or something.

OP posts:
Laughydodo · 03/10/2024 23:27

MumApril1990
if I said what I wanted to say to you I would probably get banned.

Aavalon57 · 03/10/2024 23:27

As has seemed to be the wont in this country, especially over the past 14 years, people don't have empathy unless they are going through exactly the same thing themselves. People love a good benefit-bashing session, Those on benefits are seen as entitled, lazy, grabby etc etc. Everyone is a keyboard therapist qualified to comment on someone else's conditions. What I'm saying, OP, is ignore everyone, including your family. They have no idea what it takes to get and pass an assessment. Please just focus on your well-being and look after yourself. No one ever knows when they could be the one to fall through the cracks and need that welfare safety net. 💐

LuluBlakey1 · 03/10/2024 23:29

Autumnhedgehog · 03/10/2024 22:16

@Genevieva

I would love to work, but I am physically and mentally unable to. I hate the thought that I’m seen as a waste of space to the world, but I do volunteer half a day a week at the moment, as it’s all I can manage, but I’m trying my best to get back into the workplace eventually, in that sense.

Well you are one of 8 million adults in the UK who are claiming they are unfit long-term to work according to today's news so you're not alone.

Purposefullyporous · 03/10/2024 23:40

PMDD can be incredibly debilitating and very hard to treat. It's a serious mental health issue. I just don't think people understand that. Even some other people who have PMDD but with less impact on thier lives... I work in mental health and I've seen people be sectioned who have this. It can be really extreme.
I'm so sorry your family are being like this. It's just another facet of people not really taking mental health issues in the same way they would physical issues.

Faldodiddledee · 03/10/2024 23:46

Well you are one of 8 million adults in the UK who are claiming they are unfit long-term to work according to today's news so you're not alone one of the biggest problems in the UK is that the system is structured to discourage part-time work, The OP could potentially work that one half day or a couple a week in a paid job, but because it would be so complicated to do that, affect her claim and would be taxed at something crazy like 50-60% recovery from her Universal Credit, it would not be worth the stress.

If there were more part-time options, if there were a minimum guaranteed wage and people could work on the top of that part-time, and the system allowed for different hours per week without affecting your whole claim then people would do this more.

We also live somewhere with very long working hours, the longest in Europe, very few people working 4 day weeks or limited hours, having a better work life balance, and if you do then get sick, you are likely to have a very unpleasant time at work, be on report, be monitored and if in the first two years, just let go.

All told, there are ways in which society could be better structured to enable most people to work, but this all or nothing approach to working just ends up placing lots of people in the 'unable to work' category when they could still contribute.

SoNiceToComeHomeTo · 03/10/2024 23:52

I'm glad you've got PIP, you need it and hopefully it will give you a chance to live as well as possible. Good luck.

Pigeonqueen · 04/10/2024 00:05

Some of the comments in this thread are vile 😳😳😳 Have people completely lost the ability to empathise?!

I don’t know what it is about PIP that brings out the nasty side of people. The sheer and utter ignorance is embarrassing.

Italiangreyhound · 04/10/2024 00:10

I'm so glad you have the support you need OP, if your mum and brother don't understand or support you, I would simply not talk to them about it. Get the help you need and find your way.

My son gets Pip, it is heartbreaking he needs it.

I want to live in a society where people are taken care of and not being able to work is awful. Don't engage with anyone who makes you feel worse healthwise or in your own mind, engage with people who help you and bring out your best.

ToWhitToWhoo · 04/10/2024 00:30

MumApril1990 · 03/10/2024 23:15

I don’t think people should get disability payments for those conditions. They’re the kind of thing people get on with. That’s just my opinion though and as they say opinions are like x everyone has one. If you’re not ashamed of claiming and believe you are ‘entitled’ to it why are you bothered?

The whole point of PIP is to help people get on with things, despite the extra expenses caused by disabilities.

Many people who receive PIP do in fact work. The two whom I know best work full time; but probably couldn't if they didn't have help with costs of transport, etc.

And yes, we all have opinions, but some opinions are contradicted by evidence.

Fraaahnces · 04/10/2024 00:34

Perhaps one of the reasons you feel so down is due to your family's overwhelming empathy and support - not. I'd be examining that with the therapy.

Gymnopedie · 04/10/2024 00:46

Well you are one of 8 million adults in the UK who are claiming they are unfit long-term to work according to today's news so you're not alone

Your use of the word claiming rather suggests that you think they're all swinging the lead. Do you?

BooneyBeautiful · 04/10/2024 00:47

Why is everyone talking about PIP and work? It's not relevant! PIP is for the extra expenses people have due to being disabled or having a chronic health condition. You can work and still be eligible for PIP.

Freeyourminds · 04/10/2024 00:51

Genevieva · 03/10/2024 22:14

At the moment it’s within the rules, so enjoy its benefits. It’s unlikely to last because the benefits bill is (a) not big enough to meet demand and (b) crippling the taxpayer. Not long ago you would not have been eligible for any financial support, so would have had to find some other way of surviving.

I have PMDD, adenomyosis and endometriosis, which leaves me with anaemia. I work fulltime and manage my conditions as best as I can. I get immense satisfaction out of my work, so even though it’s challenging to manage at times, I know my self-esteem would suffer if I didn’t work.

This is about OP not you
"At the moment it’s within the rules, so enjoy its benefits”! Why feel the need to say this? And then lecture.You just sound very bitter and spiteful.What makes you think you know more, then the professionals who carried out the pip mandatory consideration.

nocoolnamesleft · 04/10/2024 01:01

It isn't exactly easy to get PIP, so I presume you are significantly affected by your health problems. Yes, work can be good for mental health, but only if your mental health is already good enough for you to be employable. I quite like living in a society that has a safety net for those truly unable to work.

mm81736 · 04/10/2024 01:13

PepaWepa · 03/10/2024 22:38

Do you have any idea what living with ADHD is like? Fortunately, it's not up to you to decide.

Yes I have ADHD and have worked always since my first part time job at 13, and full time in a professional career since leaving university at 21.I have run my own business for the last 7 years.

LockForMultiball · 04/10/2024 02:04

Why do people always pop up on threads like this and say "Well I have <whatever condition> and I work a sixty hour week, because I have to, and you just get on with it don't you, and yes my legs fall off and have to be reattached sometimes but that's just life when you've got a mortgage to pay, I've never asked anyone else for a handout, work is essential for self-esteem and we have a problem with entitled attitudes and generational worklessness, people wouldn't be laying about claiming [a benefit that has nothing to do with whether you work] if they weren't getting all this money out of my taxes, what would they have done in Victorian times, etc. etc. etc.…"

Firstly, if they really have it that bad, maybe they should be claiming PIP themselves. If they're not eligible, then their situation isn't comparable to that of someone who is eligible.

Secondly (and this is an almost embarrassingly simple concept, but one which seems to elude many such commenters), medical conditions are not like mass-produced bricks. They're not all churned out on a production line and interchangeable with each other.

For one person, their eczema may mean a recurrent dry itchy patch on the back of their hands in winter. For another, their eczema may be an extremely painful, unbearably itchy, extremely conspicuous disability that heavily restricts their movement and activities, and requires a great deal of time spent on management of the condition.

For one person, their depression may mean they spend a couple of months feeling really quite low, every few years or so, and they need to make sure they get out for some brisk walks and spend time with friends to help themselves rediscover joy in their lives and recover. For another, their depression may mean they're so mentally slowed, heavy and achy that they can barely speak or move, they feel no emotions but a yawning, agonising blankness, they can't marshall their thoughts sufficiently to plan a trip from bed to toilet and back, they see sinister hallucinations of evil around them, they go unwashed for months on end, and they stop eating and drinking and need to be admitted to hospital to save their lives.

I feel almost like I'm pointing out that sky is up and ground is down, but it apparently needs saying: different people with the same condition may have a different manifestation of that condition.

Even when two people have similar manifestations of the same condition, people's situations and personal characteristics may affect how they cope with it.

And people with multiple conditions may find they interact with each other in ways that multiply the difficulties. To pick a couple of conditions almost at random: Many people do just fine and hold down jobs while experiencing mental health problems. Many people do just fine and hold down jobs with coeliac disease. But say you were a coeliac and also had mental health problems, and these mental health problems affected your ability to follow the gluten-free diet. You'd likely get gut symptoms, deficiency symptoms and long-term damage. And the symptoms you experienced might affect your ability to participate in daily life in a way that would help your mental health problem. The interaction between the ways your conditions affect you causes an extra problem. And no amount of people saying "I'm coeliac and I manage fine" or "I have mental health problems and I just have to get on with it" or even "I have mental health problems and coeliac disease but I still manage to stick to my gluten free diet" is going to help, because those people don't have the same experience.

pinkgrevillea · 04/10/2024 02:13

Your parents and brother sound like they lack all empathy.
I hope you can use some of the money for therapy that will help you set better boundaries with them and challenge their beliefs about you.
Your brother in particular sounds like a nasty piece of work. You'll probably find yourself feeling better just by reducing contact with him and finding more supportive people. Blood family is not the only family.
Good luck on healing.

Hotpinkangel19 · 04/10/2024 02:15

Octavia64 · 03/10/2024 22:28

The whole narrative around working helping mental illness really annoys me.

I have a severe physical disability due to being in an accident and smashing my foot up. As a result of not being able to walk and being in constant pain I also have depression and anxiety.

I worked for nine years after my accident from a wheelchair. Working when you are physically disabled really does not help your depression or your anxiety as lifts break, you have to crawl down stairs, toilets are inaccessible etc.

Working didn't help my anxiety or my depression and in fact made them significantly worse as I had to fight for every reasonable adjustment I got.

In my husband's case, returning to work really helped his mental health.

MonsteraMama · 04/10/2024 02:19

MumApril1990 · 03/10/2024 23:15

I don’t think people should get disability payments for those conditions. They’re the kind of thing people get on with. That’s just my opinion though and as they say opinions are like x everyone has one. If you’re not ashamed of claiming and believe you are ‘entitled’ to it why are you bothered?

If you think you can just "get on with it" through clinical depression and anxiety, you've never had either of those things.

Here's a little assist for you - depression is not just feeling sad, anxiety is not just feeling a bit nervous. They can be completely crippling and debilitating. I have MS, I've also struggled with depression and anxiety. The MS is actually easier to deal with and if a magic genie offered to get rid of one of them, I'd ask for the anxiety to be gone forever.

Honestly. Some of these replies make me think a license should be required to use the internet.

Sweetiedarling2024 · 04/10/2024 02:50

I hope this helps you get the care you need. If I were you I’d spend some of the £ seeing a neurodiversity coach, and finding out more about the coping mechanisms you can put in place to assist your ADHD. And speaking to a doctor about being on menstrual limiting medication. I personally found the deppo helped me significantly.

RunningOutOfImaginitiveUsernames · 04/10/2024 02:59

mm81736 · 04/10/2024 01:13

Yes I have ADHD and have worked always since my first part time job at 13, and full time in a professional career since leaving university at 21.I have run my own business for the last 7 years.

Good for you. Others can't. I know someone who has successful businesses with ADHD and regularly has to take a lengthy absence leaving others in charge because of the mental load

I know another who struggles with basic tasks and can't work at all. .

It's not fun for either. Your ADHD diagnosis does not affect your your ability to work and do daily task it seems, therefore you would not be entitled to PIP.

I also think it's hilarious people think people on disability benefits are living the life of Riley.

zeitweilig · 04/10/2024 03:11

Autumn38 · 03/10/2024 22:28

I think it’s probably tricky as a parent, to have one child supported not to work and the other one having to work very hard.

She may be more aware than you of any struggles that he is going through. He might be struggling at the moment too and I can see it might feel unfair to him.

It's probably also 'tricky' when one child has issues which prevent them from working/make working more of a challenge, compared to the other. OP should be concerned with her own situation, not anyone else's situation or what they think of her.

beachcitygirl · 04/10/2024 03:43

David Cameron claimed DLA (which became pip) for his child.
Rightly. It's a non means tested benefit because it's more expensive to be disabled.
No one wants to be disabled. Some are. We as a big society need to support this.

SwanSong1 · 04/10/2024 04:02

Autumnhedgehog · 03/10/2024 21:58

I have recently won my pip mandatory reconsideration for both PMDD and ADHD. Also generalised anxiety and depression.
I am currently unable to work as I’m not well enough.

I’m really upset as my parents and my brother think I’m taking the piss with getting pip it seems. My brother called it a ‘pisstake’ when he found out and my mum thinks that he’s right to feel that way as he’s working a full week and in her words I’m “sitting about at home, getting free money”
I’m feeling really down about it, as I thought they’d be pleased for me. It’s taken a lot of strength to get through the assessment processes and the stress of it made me feel very ill at times.

I’m now starting to question the decision and I feel like a bit of a fraud or something.

Who cares what they think? Their opinions mean nothing, you do not need their approval or validation.

LBFseBrom · 04/10/2024 04:16

I do sympathise with you, op. No, you are not a fraud, neither are you alone. There are people who cannot leave their homes because of similar problems. Your mother and brother are out of order, it's a pity you said anything to them about. It's nobody's business but yours. At least if you don't have to worry too much about finances, there is a chance that you can improve somewhat. Please do nurture yourself, eat healthily, etc. Good luck.